Amazonia – Empress Michelle Consults The Oracle of the Delphi
Or
A Serious Lesson In Sexual Objectification
Since I became Empress of Amazonia, I, Michelle, have had many challenges to face. Between fighting mercenaries and bandits along with conquering distant lands to add to my kingdom, there has been little time for celebration. I have heard the reports as I sit in my tent in the far off land of Elysium. The wars here are finally over and another nation conquered. My sadness grows as I hear the tales of the state of things in Amazonia. The forces that I feared would take freedom from its people have conspired behind my back and threaten the very fabric of my beloved country. What it might take to get Amazonia back under control would be costly and considerable. I have raised an army the likes of which the world has never seen and I could crush any and all who dared stand in our way. The cost to the people, however, would be horrific and that is a thought I cannot bear. While my warrior sister Xena is frothing at the mouth for an Amazonian war, my blood lust does not go as far as hers any more. I grow tired of the conflicts and long for being home and being part of a growing thriving Amazonia. Its what a true Empress should doing....leading...helping her people...... but I won't be allowed that luxury evidently. I just can't decide what to do...
I am truly lost and confused and feel no one is truly on my side. I then remember what my father would often do when he ruled Amazonia. He would journey to consult the Oh Great and Powerful Oracle of the Delphi. I remember him taking me with him when I was a little girl and he ventured out to consult the Oracle. I recall the fear and trepidation I felt standing in that cavern before the Beast as I called "it" as a child. I do not want to make that journey and face the Oracle, but I have no choice. As those who have ruled before me, I need the advice, counsel and support of the Oracle.
In Amazonian time, Delphi was the site of the Delphic Oracle, the most important Oracle in the classical Greek world, and became a major site for the worship of the god Apollo after he slew Python, a dragon who lived there and protected the navel of the Earth. To reach Delphi one had to undertake a day’s journey up into the large mountain range with bordered Amazonia to the north and protected it from the northern tribes.
The Oracle exerted considerable influence throughout the Greek world, and he (to some the Oracle appeared as a female) was consulted before all major undertakings: wars, the founding of colonies, and so forth. Michelle had spoke to the Oracle in her dreams as her legend grew larger during her warrior's life as the prophet would appear to her as a cloak-covered figure with a male voice, or so she dreamed.
SIDEBAR
(OK…..I know what your thinking….”God Damn Michelle that is some BORING ASS SHIT!” “Just because you like history and stuff doesn’t mean we do!” “When do we get to the good stuff?” “You know…the SEX!” Well, I do look pretty hot in my armor if I do say so, I mean if you’ll just use your imaginations, I bet you can get really turned on in no fucking time! In any event, here comes a little good stuff!)
EXIT SIDEBAR
After the many days journey, I had finally reached the cave of the Delphi. I entered the cave and began to slowly walk down the darkened hall, dimly lit by torches placed at regular intervals and providing just enough light to see one's steps. The walls of the corridor were adorned with strange markings and pictures representing languages long since dead. I finally reached the end of the hall where I slowly entered a large massive chamber which was dark save for a far wall which appeared to be made up of a mixture of stone, gold and silver. The wall was illuminated by torches, which were placed at different points in the wall. In front of me was a large thrown up against the bejeweled wall. There were marble columns on either side of the throne which was lined in jewels of all colors. On the throne sits an object that I can't quite make out so I approach with caution, my right hand on my sword, ready to pull it from its scabbard at an instant.
My firm breasts and chest heaving, expanding and straining the leather armor that covers me. The only sound I hear is the pounding of my heart and my rapid breathing as my excitement and trepidation grows. I suddenly hear a noise and my catlike reflexes cause me to instantly pull my sword from its scabbard and raise it high above my head, clutching it with both hands and standing at the ready!!
then........SILENCE.......and the silence was SO VERY LOUD....
On the throne sat a tall figure covered in a white cloak, a hood over its head. I squint to see in the dimly lit cavern when suddenly I see the head of the cloaked figure lift as I approach. I keep my sword raised high above my head, clutching it tightly, m knuckles white. Yet as my dark eyes peer into the hood I see.... NOTHING!!......DARKNESS!!.....then suddenly I see two orbs......are they eyes?.....glowing almost a ruby red, but meeting mine with an intensity I have seldom seen in my travels.
A voice from under the hood BOOMS OUT!! Commanding me in a loud tone that echoes throughout the darkened chamber!!
"Ahhh!” “The Empress Returns at last!!!" "I expected you sooner Oh Goddess!" "And please put the fucking sword down, OK?” “Your SO FUCKING DRAMATIC and you're gonna hurt someone with that thing and It BETTER NOT BE ME!" "I have not had my coffee today yet and I am in SUCH A MOOD!"
I stop in my tracks, hand on my sword as my own gaze narrows but remains fixated on the glowing orb-like eyes. The voice then BOOMS out again!
"WHO DARES ENTER THE PROVINCE OF THE ORACLE OF THE DELPHI!!!!!"
THEN IT HIT ME! Why does the Oracle sound like fucking JAMES EARL JONES?
The Oracle speaks again!
"Come on Empress!” “Have a seat and relax!” ”Get comfortable!” “GET NEKKID!!” “oooops” “Sorry, I mean, get comfy!"
I hear this loud cackling laughter come from the cloaked figure and I slowly lower my sword and shake my head in confusion. I then try and manage a smile as I walk up to the shadowy figure ever so slowly.
I straighten up, not wanting to show fear although goose bumps now cover my shoulders and arms. My strong hand is still clutching the sword, although at least the pervert did get me to smiling now...
"I dare enter!!!!” “Michelle!....Sister of Xena!.....Empress of Amazonia!!!” “And I will NOT be commanded like a common soldier…. MUTHAFUCKA!!"
(I think to myself.....”God Michelle! Fucking bitch! Holy Shit! DO YOU HAVE to take that sword out EVERY TIME you hear a thing?” “See what happens when you skip your Ritalin for just ONE DAY?” “MUTHAFUCKA?” “Was that WORD really necessary?”)
There is a silence, then a sound, almost like that of a chuckle of sorts, then a booming voice!!
"Come forward Empress Michelle!!!” “Take the hand of the Oracle!!!"
The shadowy cloak covered figure extends a hand towards me as I move to in front of him (OK.....Lets's get one thing straight right off the fucking bat.....I DON’T KNOW if this fucking Oracle is a man or a woman and right now I don't give a fuck!)...I drop to a knee and bow my head for a moment in deference, laying my helmet on the stone floor at my feet. I then raise my head up, my long dark brown hair dangling over my shoulders and down my chest and back.
I reach up and take the Oracle's hand in mine and the sheer coldness of the skin startles me at first. I then recall that same feeling I had as a child when my father brought me here and I kissed the Oracle’s hand, that same coldness, almost that of stone. I hold the Oracle’s icy hand in my long slender fingers, my face lowering as my full soft lips press to a large gold ring on the middle finger of the hand. I then notice something in the bad light on the back of the Oracle's hand. It looks like.....ink?....a hand stamp?........huh?.....what the fuck? I then lift my lips away from the ring as the Oracle retracts his hand and I hear a loud voice boom out again!
"Oh...its cool Empress Chelley!” “Me and the boys went down to the dance club in Sparta last night and it was some rocking shit!!” “Had to take a phone call on my cell so I had to leave the club a minute and you know, they stamp your hand so you can come back??” “And damn they had a band there you wouldn’t have believed! “Guitar player just rocked!” Fuck there were chicks and slaves girls all over da place!! Damn it was like a giant toga party! Freaking ORGY!
I place my hands on my hips in disgust and bark out at the Oracle!
“That’s the Empress MICHELLE!” “Not “Empress Chelley!”
I hear a voice coming from under the cloak...
"Hey Babe! Will you RELAX! What's shakin BEOTCH?" "It’s been too long!"....."Damn girlfriend...Where Ya Been?" “OH WOW!” “You have fucking GROWED UP!!”
"Oh wait, I apologize” “I should be more fucking serious shouldn't I?"
I hear the Oracle clear its voice a few times, coughing, then speak.
"You're troubled Oh Empress, you have only just begun your rule of Amazonia yet I see trouble in your eyes, sense it!"
The Oracle speaks again!
"Damn Girl! You look fine in the armor shit! Just how tall are you anyway?" "Come over here and let the Oh Wise Oracle see those legs up close!" "Damn those things just keep going up don't they?" "FUCK!” “I wonder what's at the other end!"
Come on!! “Let a 10,000 year old pervert…errrr….prophet…..take a look!” “You go commando today?” “You can tell me!” I won’t tell anyone I swear to Zeus!!
I start to get just a little pissed as its obvious Mr. Bad Skin is in one of his/her moods today and I am here trying to conduct some serious business! I clear my throat and try to be as serious as I can be as I begin to speak.
"Oh Wise Oracle!” “I have not spoke to you in a long time, not since I was a child, except in my dreams!” “As Empress of Amazonia, I have all the power the Gods could ever grant a ruler, yet I'm troubled"
"I sense treachery in my midst” “I don't know who to trust” “I thought I did KNOW and maybe deep down I still do, but as ruler of my kingdom in a dangerous world YOU and I BOTH know there are those who would take Amazonia as their own and enslave its people for their own selfish deviant ends"
The Oracle answers back....
"Oh Fuck Dat Sheeit BEOTCH!" "Lets do some chillin child!"...."You like Maroon 5?" "I got this new Bang and Olufsen stereo that fucking KICKS ASS!" I love that new song “One More Night”...Fucker Rocks!!!....RACK EM!!....MUTHAFUCKA!"
I put my hands on my hips as obviously the Oracle has been hitting the crack cocaine again and I am starting to get pissed and wishing a had a line nose candy right now!
"I don't know what to do Oh wise one” ”I may be proud and often arrogant, but I have decisions to make that affect so many other than myself"
I see the old ficker isn’t paying attention and I finally start to REALLY GET PISSED OFF!!
"A little help here would be nice YOU OLD FART! “I mean GOD DAMMIT!” “You promised me you'd have my back you geriatric asshole!"
There is a cold silence for a few moments. While I may have spoken to the Oracle in my dreams before and sought his council, to be in his presence is different. I will NOT SHOW ANY FEAR, but should my death be what is best for Amazonia, then I will hand it gladly to the Oracle...
I say to myself "Oh Fuck!! Did I just talk to it like I just did?" "Fuck I'm a dead girl!"
The Oracle then speaks "I DO NOT covet your life Michelle!!” the deep voice thundered!! "Now I would like a little action with those tits of yours!" "MMWWUAH!!!" "When can we do that?" "I'm free on Monday!" "Wanna do lunch at the palace?" Wanna let me DO YOU??”
I scream back at the Oracle!!!....
"OK STOP IT!" "I'm here on serious business!!!" I whisper to myself..."God damn Michelle, lets get outta here in one piece bitch!" "I know the guy has bad skin, is old, can reduce me to a pile of ashes in a millisecond but come on, show some RESPECT"
The Oracle looks up at me and I can see the red eyes in the darkness of that hood glowing even brighter.
"Hey Chelley those tits look pretty serious to me if you don't mind a 10,000 year old wrinkly-assed fart saying so!!"
The Oracle clears his throat again and continues....
"But seriously Oh Beautiful Empress you have few allies but believe me when I say there are those you can rely on and trust and who are with you in body and soul even as we speak" "In plain English girlfriend, you got some folks that want to BEND YOU OVER A CHAIR AND GIVE YOU THE BUSINESS!" "God I'd like a little piece of that shit myself!!” “AHEM!” “I'm sorry, are we STILL trying to be SERIOUS HERE AGAIN?"
Before I can answer, the Oracle speaks again loudly. "YESS Empress Michelle! You can trust your captain of the guard!"...."Sadie will always have your back...and trust me when I say...she REALLY likes your backside!" "God damn girl you been jogging more?" "Your ass is SOO fucking FINE!" “WHEW!” “You doin that Pilates shit?”
“Damn Chelley Girl, I have often asked my secretary why'd I get mixed up with that bitch Empress Michelle?”
“She looked at me and said” “Cause she's got a GREAT ASS... and YOU GOT YOUR HEAD ALL THE WAY UP IT!” “Chelley, when I think of a woman's ass, I got you on my 10,000 year old mind!”
“AHEM!” I hear the Oracle again clears its throat.
The Oracle then again speaks out in a booming voice!!
"You will find allies in ways that will be more clear to you in the future!" "Others whom you can place your trust will also come forth, it has been ordained and written to be so" "And if you don't find some good help soon BITCH, you are SO GONNA BE OUTTA THAT EMPRESS CHAIR!”
"And Hey.....if the head of your palace guard fucks you and stabs you in the back, there could be worse things girlfriend!" “Am I right?”
I feel my heart slow a bit at the Oracle's words, my breathing slowing at the words and how they soothe me. NOT!!!!!
"Your trust and loyalty are well placed Michelle so follow your heart and you will be rewarded in so many ways if you do! Your heart has NEVER led you astray, it is a wise heart even coveted by the GODs!" "OH and they also covet that rocking bod of yours too!! WOWSA! You sure you aint been working out more?"
Hey! How’s that crazy sister of yours Xena? How’d that rehab stint go for her? Girl I am telling you that sex addiction shit if a tough one! Went through that myself during the Trojan Wars.
"LEAVE ME NOW OH HOTTIE EMPRESS!!!" The Oracle's voice thundered in the darkness! "We shall talk again Empress, but follow your heart, it is the source of your strength!" "Oh and when you leave, can you walk out REAL SLOW?” “I wanna watch that fine ass of yours awhile longer!"
"Oh Hey Empress?" "Do you need you're parking validated before you go?"
"Check with my girl out front!” “She's the one in the white toga with the fucking AWESOME CLEAVAGE!"
I slowly begin to walk backwards out of the dark chamber, my thoughts coming rapidly, but with one overriding one. This Oracle IS ONE FUCKED UP ASSHOLE! Why do I keep listening to this cocksucker? Shit I'd be better off consulting my Magic 8-Ball!!
MUTHAFUCKA!
I do feel confidant though that while some dark days may lie ahead for my Kingdom, I will not be alone with just my sword.
Oh Fuck! Who am I kidding! OF COURSE I’LL BE ALONE!!! HAHAHA!
It is now time to deal with those who have no thoughts for the people of Amazonia, plans need to be made, and I need a really big stiff drink
TO BE CONTINUED - Chapter 2 Da Empress meets the Goddess Pythia
