Dreams of the Killing Haze
I lay in the hospital bed, wires, tubes and such attached to my wilted frame. I had been here for 3 weeks, 10 days of which were in a medically induced coma. I hit my low point, I could not take life anymore, I popped the top on a bottle of pain killers and took the whole dose with a swig of bourbon. If it was not for a friend, I would not be writing this now, I would most likely be somewhere really warm and surrounded by the women I hate and not be allowed to fight them…. My personal hell!
Some people say you are not aware when you are in a coma, but I disagree, I was aware. Unable to scream, yell out or tell my loved ones I was sorry for what I did. As I laid there in my drug induced slumber, I was visited by women from my past and present, and it was not a fun experience. Some of what I am going to write is toned down because most of the encounters where violent and bloody affairs. Some include members here… I write this as a thank you to those, which in my mind and dreams helped me find myself again and make me stronger as a person.
“You deserve all you get cxnt!” came a voice to the right of my bed.
I could not move my head at first, but realized it was a dream, so I willed myself to move… There was Joyce, a younger version I had known in my teenage years. Platinum blonde hair, cleavage showing blouse unbuttoned halfway down her front, tight black skirt with three inch heels. She towered over my bed, a sly smirk on her face.
“You gave up didn’t you whore!” She said, spittle hitting me in my face as she hissed at me. “You had everything, loving children, friends who adore you and you tossed it aside! You are so pathetic!”
I tried to answer her, but my mouth seemed to be glued shut. Then she gripped my throat and started to squeeze! I couldn’t scream! I couldn’t fight back! I started to thrash in my bed, my soon to be grave. The world started to go back, she was my angel of death! GOD WHY HER!!!! Then nothing….
I could tell nurses where checking my vitals, adjusting my medicine drip at my IV. This was night one… It went on like this 9 more nights until I woke up.
I woke…. I woke to an intense sense of shame for doing this to my family. My girls sat at my bedside. But they didn’t accuse me of anything, they did their homework, told me about their days at school, begged me to get better and come back to them. My oldest whispered to me one night before they went home for me to fight, fight like I never fought before to get better, to be their mom again!
The nurse could see I was tired but I was fighting sleep, she upped the dose to help me sleep despite my cries for her not to. I started to fade into sleep…. Dreaded sleep….
I woke in my bed, my bed at home. I was dressed in a black bra and panties… my breasts felt heavier than normal… I passed the mirror and it looked like I had grown a cup size or two… it was my dream, so hell yeah! I walk down stairs, it seemed to be day time but it was foggy outside, I could not see past the yard or the hot tub in the back yard. I walked into the kitchen and peered out the back door and walked outside… I could feel the air was heavy and thick with fog, the temp was cool, my skin had goose bumps almost right away. I walked out and made it to the hot tub, but had to jump back because the world ended there! There was a cliff… an empty abyss where my yard was supposed to be. I ran inside and to the front door… it was the same only I couldn’t get passed the front step… Fear hit me as I closed the front door, hyperventilating!
Was this my hell?!? Trapped in my house, not being able to escape… I tried to concentrate on getting out of the house or somewhere else but I remained in my mental prison. Then I heard laughter behind me….. There was Joyce, my mother, my enemy, the one who had tried to kill me every day I was in the coma.
She was not the old woman she is now, she was her 40 year old self, blonde, busty, perfect face and body. She was dressed like me, black bra and panties, her gravity defining tits bulging from the fabric.
“You pathetic cxnt!!!! You think you are in control here but you are on so many drugs and your mind is so weak!” She spewed at me, her face reddening. “Your mind is so warped that you see your inner demons as me right now! But I will not be the last one you face.”
Great!!! Now I have to go through some demented Christmas Carol where I am visited by different bitches instead of ghosts!!!
I back pedal as she enters the living room, I glance around and all the furniture disappeared…. Now just an open space…. Soft carpet, softer then I remembered under my bare feet…. She starts to circle about me.
“What has a cat got your tongue?” She asks walking around me, “You are such a loser you know, couldn’t hack it in the real world so you tried to commit suicide! You know your girls think you are weak pathetic loser too! Maybe I should try to get custody!
“SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BITCH!!!!” I scream, hands forming fists at my sides, shaking with anger!!! “You will never take them! They will never be raised by your hatred!!!”
I started to circle her now… .we were mere feet from each other… I was so angry, more than I had been at her before.
“You want to try and stop me Anna, “ she said, an air of superiority about her words, “You are in no mental shape to stop me from doing anything! I am here to fight you Anna, to make you hurt, to make you bleed, to make you give up again!!!”
I lunge at my busty blonde mother as she leaps at me!!!
