I Fucking Rock!!!!
At least that’s what I tell myself every day, it’s hard growing up in a tiny Welsh town where you’re the only English girl. I’ve always been the outsider. I was treated like an outsider, I was stared at like an outsider, I was excluded like an outsider, I was mistrusted like an outsider and then… after years of loneliness when I started acting like an outsider? They hated me like an Outsider.
But that’s fine, I’ve adapted to my role rather well. I moved here when I was still a child - 7 or 8 I think. When your that young there isn’t anyway to rebel socially so I used my English heritage as a sword and shield - they would bully me for it so I would stick fiercely to it. My older sisters all changed, after a while their accents were manipulated and coarse taking to using local vocabulary and of course they were excepted into the loving arms of society like good little robots. But me, I kept my voice, I kept my tone not that I don’t like the Welsh, it’s just that I’m not Welsh and at when your 7 years old, this was the only rebellion I could think of
But I grew older... And other, more penetrative methods became available. I remember hating music with a passion, all the girls would dance in the school yard in unison to the latest noise and I loathed them for it. But then… oh my… then I heard Metallica… a Child of 13 and I discovered a new weapon in my arsenal! It became my saviour, by this point my mother had all but disowned me for my antics even when I needed her most, I was an outsider in my own home… that hurt bad, but Heavy Metal would see me through it!
The other kids had another stick to beat me with of course but my shield grew exponentially, it was an arms race really - every time they found something to hate me with, I’d take that and make it my own strength.
They cast stones, I took them and built a castle
They fired arrows, I took them and built a portcullis
They shot bullets, I’d melt them into armour
… I think I’ve taken this analogy as far as it’ll go…
I learned to wire a plug at 13... I’d come home to find my stereo wire cut so I learnt to fix it and start playing it louder, I smiled as I heard my mother rage “What kind of freak 13 year old knows how to do that!!!”. Older still I grew and secondary school faired no better. If anything the social casts were even more ridged and the few people who did like me were afraid to show it in public for fear of reproach by the other social casts. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not rebelling against any social casts or saying I’m a communist or any of that shit, I don’t have an agenda. I’m the United States of Gemma! And in the United States of Gemma we hate everyone equally!
I found hair dye and alternative cloths appealing mainly because everyone else was repulsed by it. Of course I had to sneak away and get a train to Cardiff to get this stuff because there was NOWHERE in Pontypridd that would stock any of this shit! My hair would change from week to week my makeup was freaky and applied with abandon and I loved it! So fucking what if these Fucks can’t accept me! They never tried to accept me! They don’t deserve to have me in their lives! I’d tell myself
When I was 16 my breasts were a rather predominant feature of mine (the only good thing to ever come from my mother) and I displayed them in corsets or low cut tee’s of various metal bands as a twisted parody of the beauty that everyone aspired to. I was called Zombie Slut, Corpse Whore and countless other slurs but I didn’t mind, I was who I was. My breasts also helped me get other things… tattoo’s and piercing… nobody suspected I was under 18 and I took full advantage of that! My parents freaked, the school went ape shit and society shunned me yet again! The boys took a keen interest but that only help cement the thought that I was an enemy into all the girls minds. This led to countless fights but that’s not what this tale is about…
The tale all this is heading towards takes place at a small collage in Hawthorn I was 19 years old, studying to repeat the qualifications my wistful youth had prevented me from attaining and life was actually pretty decent for once! I had a girlfriend - well I say girlfriend… it’s more like frenzied fucking with a fringe of conversation, but that suits me fine! On the downside being bi-sexual was yet another weapon in my enemies arsenal! Everyone still hated me but with quiet contemplation instead of tossing eggs out of speeding cars. I still had my quirky fashion, loud music and sharp wit as my shield but the walking to communication studies I stopped dead in my tracks… I stood jaw dropped at this goddess! Her arms and legs tattooed her face pierced and fiery, her hair dark and mysterious. Dressed in a Tiny Green Mini skirt and black tee she looked divine! Her body was full figured and curvaceous, her smile infectious, she giggled and laughed and everybody loved her!… everybody loved her… that had more impact than I first imagined… this girl was new to our small town, from overhearing her accent I could tell she was English too, she was tattooed, pierced, outrageous, more so than I ever hoped to be! Yet they all loved her where they hated me…
Suddenly I felt her gaze on me and realised I stared too long, she looked me up and down and smiled before turning her attention back towards the crowd of welcoming faces that were greeting the new girl… What the FUCK!!! I thought to myself! She‘s practically the embodiment of me! And they love her??? This put me in a foul mood, constantly that scene played in my head over and over again. The boys fawning over her the girls laughing and joking with her. The image drove my mood darker until class was finished and I made my way out to the car park. And she’s there sat on the bars by the entrance eating an apple. I try not to pay any attention and walk to my Car and she calls over
“Hey… HEY! Honey? Come over here!”
I sigh and shoot her a look but walk over anyway
“what?” I ask plainly
“I’m Terri” she states
“Do you have a cock?” I fire back unimpressed
“WHAT???” she answers confused
“I though Terry was a boys name” I reply
“NO, Terri… they told me you were quite the little spitfire honey!” she giggles. She even finds a way to give a cheery laugh at my insults, when most girls would just want to slap me
“I just wanted to introduce myself, I saw you in the courtyard earlier but I was getting swamped! You know how it is when you‘re the new girl, huh?” she asks. I could see a look in her eye’s, almost nervousness while she gauged my responses hoping to find a common connection we could bond over.
“No, I really wouldn’t know.” I answer “Pretty much everyone in this town hates me.”
“Really… that’s awful.” she rued “Why? Why would they do that? You seem pretty cool to me!” she asks out of concern then tries pitifully to raise my spirits, It was an unfamiliar sensation, somebody actually asking me how I felt, and trying to make me feel better rather than stomp on me some more.
“I guess I’m just different, that’s all… The Tattoo’s, The piercing, the Heavy Metal. I always figured they were scared of what they didn’t understand. I was always treated like an outsider so that’s what I became. I don’t really give a shit anyway”
“Come on… You must care!” she says, pushing the matter further “I’m different, and they seem to like me!” her words cut me… they do like her… why the fuck did they accept her with open arms? I’ve had 12 years of shit and now this? Maybe she wanted to chat and for me to open up so we could become friends but in one sentence, she drove a wedge between us that struck with heavy resonance…
“Not everyone loves you precious” I hiss and turn to walk away then I feel a shove on my back and I my books and bag go sprawling out onto the floor
“What‘s your problem?” She rages, hurt and upset at my blatant disregard for her, then after a moment of awkward silence she goes bright red and scrambles to the floor to pick up my books and possessions “I’m sorry! I just flare up every now and then! I’m so, so sorry!!!” she pleads
I snatch my belongings from her and glare at her hard, on her knees trying to make amends but she’s shown me her true colours!
“You’re just like the rest of those arse holes.” I growl then get in my car an leave paying her no more attention. I never saw her sobbing on the floor as I left.
For a week and a day my mind was constantly filled with thoughts of her…
Why she had been accepted where I was shunned?…
Why did she feel the need to come and speak to me?…
Was she looking to make friends or enemies?…
I decided on the later, She was the one who shoved me. Not that I cared my personal space was invaded, I’m used to it. I constantly found myself on the receiving end of punches, kicks, sticks and stones. Her actions just helped cement in my head the fact that just because she has tattoo’s and piercing and that hardcore look, doesn’t mean she’s any different to the fuckwits I grew up with.
As you’re already aware, I lived a solitary life and was a keen reader and writer, I painted a lot and walked through the countryside. Wales is blessed as one of the most naturally beautiful places in Britain and no matter how low I felt, no matter how bruised I was physically or emotionally, she was always there to greet me. Those rolling hillsides, the trees, the streams. I loved her. Because she was all mine. And today I was walking through her beauty to get to my favourite spot, dressed in some heavy black boots and fishnets that snagged and tore on countless ferns and bushes through my trek, and a short tartan mini skirt with a tight low cut white Pennywise Tee I trundled through the undergrowth to my spot, happy at the thought of reaching my nirvana…
Until I saw Terri…
Standing on a rock looking up at the treetops in a clearing she stood in the same outfit I saw her in a week ago, Her green denim short skirt and a black tee. The weather is hot (a rare treat for Wales) and she shimmered with a glaze of sweat from her trek up the mountain, then again it happened. My gaze lingered too long and she spotted me
“Hey! GEMMA! HI!” she beamed as if we were old friends and I trundled over, a smouldering rage festering deep inside me as it seems I’ve even lost my favourite contemplation spot to her.
“Yes?” I sigh answering her call
“How are you honey?” she chirps “You look well!”
“Is that a dig?” I fire back
“What??? No! I… I’m just saying you look well is all…” she stammers, her cheery demeanour crushed by my cynicism
“Well thank you. You look good too” I respond and allow myself a smile as I see her confused face, one minute cheery, the next concerned, then surprised to receive a compliment. Was it a compliment? She struggles to find her footing in this repartee, and I enjoy fucking with her
“uh… ok then… we both look good…” she continues with caution, clearly not wanting her words to be manipulated again. Waiting for a harsh response but not getting one she relaxes and asks “so what brings you out here?”
“So I need permission to be out here now?” I snap back
“No!!! FUCK!!! What’s your problem???” she snaps back, clearly my words are having an effect as I see her ample chest heave with barely suppressed anger. She’s getting worked up. Good! She’s the one imposing herself onto my life, I’m not going to give her an easy ride!
“Don’t lose your fucking temper with me BITCH!” I shout back… now that did surprise me…
Do I fuck with peoples emotions, yeah - all the time!
Do I twist their words? Of course! It makes me chuckle.
But that last sentence was outright hostility… that’s not me…
She breaths deeply and I can see the effort on her face as she tries to control herself
“Now honey… please don’t call me a bitch.” she states trying to plaster over her rage with a thin layer of calm and failing miserably. My worst instincts come out now, sensing a weakness I strike
“Why Bitch? don’t you like being called a Bitch? Maybe Slut? Is that better Bitch? Or cxnt? Or Whore?” I giggle back, her reddening face amusing me. I know what’s going to happen because it’s the same thing that always happens. They get intimidated by my words and my posturing and then they’ll attack. She’s no different to the Blonde bimbo’s or the trashy sluts I went to school with. She just tries to hide it under this Rock Chick Persona!
“Stop it!” she growls
“Why Bitch? What’s wrong Bitch?” I glare
“I’m fucking warning you…” she says, her voice broken with anger as she squares off against me, taller by a few inches and heavier by a few pounds she is but that doesn’t concern me.
“Warning me?… well I see!… but I am a little curious now as to what exactly is going to happen if I do call you a…”
“Don’t you FUCKING do it!!!” she cuts me off pointing at me with a shaking hand, her face almost in tears at my verbal torment
“…………Bitch!” I finish and she flies at me! I feel the familiar burn in my scalp as she rips at my dark hair and I decide to take advantage of her hands being so high and counter with a low blow! A knee right into her crotch! Her eye’s not 3 inches away from mine widen with horror as she doubles over, leaving me to smirk. I knew this prissy little rock chick didn’t have anything! One clean blow and she’s out! Such a wimp!
I Fucking Rock!!!!
At least that’s what I told myself until I felt her strong grip on my crotch!
“FUUUUUUCK!!!!!” I scream out as she digs her fingers into an area most sensitive! Then my vision leaves me for a second as she rises up and slams my jaw with a bone crunching uppercut! It rocks my head back and takes me a clean 4 inches off the floor as I fly backwards and land spread eagle on my back, the hard, uneven ground digs into me, the broken ferns stab me and all I can think of is ‘great! Now the countryside is hurting me too!’ before I gather my wits, she rushes over to me panicked and shocked
“Oh My GOD!!! I’m so SORRY!!! Are you alri…” is all she could manage as she’s met by the sole of my heavy boot! Rushing forwards and bending over to tend to me gave me the perfect shot to ram my foot in her face! She flies back stunned and I get up nursing my jaw and spit some blood out, the pain in the lower right side of my mouth lets me know I cracked a tooth… BITCH! I hate dentists! But at least I didn’t bite through my tongue… I need to watch out for this one, she’s got some fire in her after all…
She gets up slowly, never taking her eye’s off of me, she rubs the dried dirt form my boot off her left cheek and we circle each other keeping low like two rival panthers stalking each other…
“I can’t believe I thought for a second you could be anything other than the cxnt they all told me you were!” she hisses, clearly lamenting ever trying to get to know me as many before her have…
“I can’t believe how you can even judge me Bitch! You were in this shit hole of a town a whole 5 minutes before you started shoving me in Collage, knocking my things everywhere! And now what? You’re surprised I don’t fucking like you? You’re just like them! Pissing on me from high up on your fucking pedestal! FUCK YOU!” I scream and lunge at her, I’m met with a hard slap across my left cheek but am relieved the heavy right I threw into her ribs caused her more pain than she caused me! She reels back clutching her ribs as follow up, leading with my left foot I send in a stinging left jab into her eye and her head rocks back! I swing in a heavy right cross looking to end her threat and hit nothing but air! She’s dropped low and twisted in a leg sweep, her extended right leg crashing into my shins and sending me down onto my knees hard!
The rough forest floor hurts as tree bark and ferns dig into my skin but not nearly as much as her thunderous kick hurt! She got up quick and fired another right kick, this time driving her foot forward into my lower back!
“AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!” I scream as I’m trusted forward and land face first onto the floor, I gasp a heavy breath as her weight lands on top of me and she punches my back, shoulders and head whilst straddling me! I push off the floor with a mighty heave and get to all fours, her legs around my waist as she sits on top of me unsteady. Interlocking the fingers she then raises her hands up high to bring them smashing down hard on my back but the blow never landed. As she reached up, I shifted my balance and kneeled upright then backwards! Both of us tumbling back with her landing hard and me on top of her!
“OOOMMMFFF!!!” she gasped and I turned around to see her pained face, she must have landed on a rock or something but I wasn’t going to wait around to find out! I throw in four devastating one-two combinations into her stomach! Each fist slamming in hard, pinned to the floor, her body unable to retreat from the punishment! She’s gasping and winded now, her eye’s a mixture of panic and agony as she lays stunned, unable to take in enough breath. I get up and grabbing her hair sit her up in front of me before RAMMING my right knee into her face! Smashing her in the jaw her head fly’s back and she lays there spread out. The momentum of my knee and the uneven floor causes me to step forward a bit and my momentum come to a halt with her laying about one metre behind me.
Panting and sweating I double over, my hands on my knees and in a gravely, exhausted voice I say “That’s for the uppercut Bitch” I hear a low sobbing and turn around amazed and a little impressed that she wasn’t knocked out! In fact she was getting up!
“Why… Why the fuck are you such a bitch to people??? What gives you the right???” she stammers
“I don’t know…freedom of speech? Does that make you feel better bitch?” I chuckle mirthlessly back
She didn’t have a witty retort… she had a right hook though and it did the job pretty well, Knocking me down with one solid slam to the face. I fell back stunned, her speed and power amazed me, we’d knocked seven shades of shit out of each other and she still had a punch like that in her! I landed hard again the familiar “OOOOMMMFFF!!” escaped me as she crashed down on top of me, this time on my belly, she rained down blows and screamed at me through the white hot flashes of pain in my ribs, chest and breasts I could just about make out what she was screaming…
“ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS BE ACCEPTED BY YOU!!! YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO BE MY FRIEND!!! JUST TREAT ME WITH A LITTLE FUCKING DIGNITY YOU FUCKING cxnt!!! “ she raged
And then it hit me… I never for one minute took her emotions into consideration…I was so wrapped up in my own misery and hate I never realised how she must have felt, the one person in this town she shared similar interests with, similar styles, similar tastes just mocking her and hating her… It’s just how I felt when I first moved into town and was rejected…
And then it hit me again.. Her fist that is… a haymaker right hook across my jaw! My head snapped back and my eye’s went glassy… I could feel something around my lower back and across my tummy then the haze, the mist that fell on me after her right hook was suddenly lifted… In an agonising way as she scissor my waist brutally!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed feeling like my stomach’s being pressed so tight I could die! I gasp and pant struggling to get air as my strength leaves me. My arms waving around pathetically, my oxygen starved brain not knowing what else to do… I gather the strength to say one thing…
“I’m sorry!” I pant and the grip is released! I pant and cough and curse in agony as she rips my hair and sits me upright
“You’re sorry? No cxnt… you will be!” she growls and sits behind me, wrapping her legs around my waist this time to start punishing them! Before I can even scream she hooks her arms under mine then pulls back interlocking her fingers behind my head in a shoulder wrenching Full Nelson!!!
“SCREAM YOU FUCKING cxnt!!!” she shrieks and I oblige
“AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKK!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” I scream, wishing I could tell her how sorry I was but the pain was overwhelming! My ribs were crushed! My lungs were burning trying to snatch some air to replenish my tortured body and my head was pushed down hard with my jaw forced onto my chest. And my shoulders… oh god… my shoulders felt like they were slowly being ripped out!!!
“I GIVE UP!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!! YOU WIN!!!!!!!! OOOOHHH SHIT NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” I screamed by she did not relent, the darkness had her now, I’d pushed her so far, so hard she just wanted to hurt me, and by the devils unholy wrath she was good at it. My body started to quiver and shake uncontrollably then after a minute of horrendous pain and torture my body goes limp and I black out. My senses finally overwhelmed by the agony.
I awake to the cold, hardened stare of Terri kneeling over me and groan in total misery. My body was a wreck!
“I just wanted to make sure you weren’t dead before I left you hear slut.” she said, the cheery, chirpy girl I first laid eye’s on nowhere to be seen. Just this bruised, messed up ice maiden with twigs in her hair and blood on her lip
“No wait!” I call out and she halt’s her rise, staying kneeled but unimpressed…
“I tried to say I’m sorry before but I don’t think you quite understood me…” I start
“Yeah, I bet your sorry cxnt!” she fires throwing my words back at me and I’m painfully aware now of how frustrating it must be to try and talk to me…
“No I mean I’m sorry for not accepting you…” her eye’s break as I see the icy look crack revealing the fragile girl inside “I never realised that I was doing to you what those pricks did to me all those years ago and… well, I’d never wish that on anyone else, so if I made you feel unwelcome… I’m sorry”
Her tears came in a flood as her shoulders bobbed up and down and I smiled a little at the sight of her breasts jiggling with every shoulder jerk… then I realised just how much my jaw hurt when I smiled and quickly stopped perving on her…
“OH MY GOD!!!” she suddenly jolts up in shock! “So you really were apologising and I just put you in a full nelson and scissors and knocked you out? OH MY GOD I’M SORRY!!!” she cries hugging me in tears. I wanted to call her a fucking dick and explain how her hug, far from the apologetic gesture she meant it to be, is in fact making me want to throw up in pain but I then realise that she needs the hug more than I do. I’m quite emotional at this point… but I can’t cry… I wish I could but I just can’t instead I tell her to stop being so gay and help me up.
The next few weeks were sheer agony as I recovered from 3 broken ribs… but the next 2 years… well for the first time in my life I didn’t spend them alone…
