Welcome to the First Annual Cajuns vs Canadians Mixed Oil Wrestling Championship! Tonight’s first round matchup is the championship match!
The emcee started bellowing out introductions in the darkened arena as the crowd prepared for the coming battle. And what a battle it will be! Anticipation is running high as the announcer continues with the introductions…..
Ladies and Gentleman. Introducing first now entering the arena to my right let’s welcome from New Orleans, Louisiana…by way of Memphis, Tennessee…the Little Cajun Girl Who Could….Jonica!!!
Jonica enters the arena and literally skips down the carpet all the way to the platform surrounding the oil pit. Her intro music is “New Orleans Ladies by the zydeco band LeRoux. The crowd loudly cheers as she makes her way down the aisle clad in a pair of denim bib overalls. She is accompanied by a tall heavyset redneck Cajun wearing bib overalls, as well, a red “Mack Trucks” cap, and a large plug of chewing tobacco in his cheek. He was the winner of a radio contest who gets the opportunity to grease up the Cajun princess before battle! When she reaches the platform, she parades around it one time…all while being heartily cheered! When the parade stops, she unbuckles the hook and loops snaps on the bib overalls and they drop all the way to her tiny bare feet. The crowd gasps in collective awe when they see that she will battle wearing only a tiny white string bikini that shows all the curves on her 5’2” 120 lbs frame. The crowd erupts in waves of cheers! The emcee then announces her opponent…..
Introducing next entering the arena from my left let’s have a big round of applause for the reigning King of mixed oil wrestling and the chairman of FCF Enterprises International….undefeated in this arena….from the beautiful province of Quebec….Boche The Great!!!
The crowd boos lustily as the great Boche makes his way into the arena! His intro music is the Canadian National Anthem…Oh Canada!…and he demands that everyone rise while it is being played. Boche is accompanied to the platform by a bevy of busty beauties wearing neon colored g-strings. (In reality, the women are all FCF Enterprises employees who are afraid they’ll lose their jobs if they don’t act as valets). Upon reaching the platform, the girls remove Boche’s flowing regal robes and reveal that he will fight in a pair of cheetah print bikini cut Speedos. The crowd boos even louder when they see his attire! “The King” slowly parades around the platform for the benefit of the audience….and his opponent. Boche thinks to himself, “Ah, she’s cute in a trashy sort of way….”
All right ladies and gentleman, let the seconds prepare the combatants for battle!
With that bottles of baby oil are brought to the pit. Jonica and Boche step onto the soft rubber surface and prepare for the warmed substance to be spread over their bodies. “The King’s” three beauties pour the liquid onto his finely muscled frame and caress his chest, back and legs with their soft hands. Of course the redneck Cajun is really enjoying his chance to lay hands on the little Cajun princess. He lasciviously licks his lips and begins smearing the porous substance all over her semi-naked body. He is taking his time, and the petrified Jonica looks extremely uncomfortable. However, The King is really enjoying his rubdown. He tosses his head back and purrs softly as his gorgeous valets rub the warm oil all over him. But his euphoria is short lived as a commotion erupts from the little Cajun’s corner and a loud cheer ripples through the crowd. The King looks to see what’s happening, and he chuckles a little when he sees the Cajun redneck rolling around on the ground clutching his obviously aching privates. His opponent is standing over the redneck trying to kick him again and yelling insults worthy of a sailor! The King thinks to himself, “Waste all your energy little one; this will be easy.”
Order is quickly restored after the injured redneck is led away. The brunette finishes oiling herself and begins a series of stretches. The King watches her in fascination and thinks, “Ah…very flexible! This will be fun!” The announcer now calls both to the center of the oil pit where the referee goes over the rules. The match is one fall with no time limit. Anything goes. The winner will either pin the shoulders of his/her opponent to the mat for 10 seconds or force a submission. The referee wishes both good luck and gives the signal to begin.
As the pair circle each other on the slippery surface, The King thinks he has an obvious advantage because he is a foot taller than his opponent and has to out weigh her by 50 or more pounds. She will be quicker, but her speed will only delay the inevitable. Before he destroys her, however, The King plans to have some fun with his sweet little Cajun victim. He looks her in the eye and says, “Come to me little flower…”
With that, the small girl lunges at Boche’s knees but he sidesteps. She slides harmlessly to the mat. She regains her footing just in time for her larger opponent to snare her in a side headlock and roll her onto the slippery rubber. The King says to himself, “All too easy.” Jonica struggles to free herself, and in spite of wasting precious energy….and due to the equalizing effects of the oil….she soon frees herself and leaps on her foe’s back. She wraps her arm around his neck and claps down on his exposed windpipe! She begins squeezing unmercifully! With his wind cut off, Boche begins to suspect that he underestimated his tiny opponent! He decides to slightly alter his game plan…before the crafty little bitch chokes him out! He drops to his knees and rolls onto his back; trapping his opponent underneath him! He uses his strong stomach muscles to do have crunches to rise then drop all his weight onto his trapped foe. After a few times, the girl’s grip on his neck relaxes enough for him to escape. He rolls over onto his stomach and is now belly to belly with the Cajun princess. He slides both hands under her oily back and lifts her straight into the air like a child. He stands and slams the girl hard to the oil soaked mat! The air leaves her lungs with a sharp gasp! But instead of finishing his fallen foe, The King decides to have some fun. He parades around the oil pit allowing the booing crowd to see him in all his glory!
Jonica is hurting! Everything she has tried on the giant has failed. She knows she’ll have to get dirty to have a chance to win. The King’s parading allows her to get her wind back and as he prances by her, her foot sneaks out and trips the bigger man! The King is basking in audience’ derision. He never sees the girl’s foot snake out and he is soon flat on his stomach! The girl quickly wraps her legs around his head and starts squeezing! Her only mistake is that she is in front of her opponent and he snares her head in a mutual head scissors! The pair is facing each other in a classic 69 position! Jonica thinks, “Damn! That didn’t work out the way I planned it!” The King works her head closer to his groin and the Cajun princess begins to look at a certain item and think, “ Alligator? No. Not an alligator! Water moccasin? Nope. Not a snake! Gar? That’s it! A one-eyed gar fish!” The King on the other hand is basking in thoughts of his own! “Roses? No. Not roses. Evergreen trees? Where the hell did that come from?!! Not evergreen trees! New car smell? No. Not that! Peaches? Yes! That’s it! Peaches! Both slip their oily heads out of the mutual scissors and slide to their separate corners to regroup.
After a minute, Jonica realizes she can’t beat The King in an honest wrestling match. He is too big and too good! But she knows she can win the war….with a little creativity and some help. She sneaks a peak at The King’s valets and they all wink and nod at her. Certain now of her plan of action, she watches the valets walk down the aisle and out the back of the arena.
The King is feeling a little humiliated! He should have had this little bitch well under control by now! He will go ahead and destroy her and be done with this!
The two combatants regroup and lunge at each other. But when they collide, the Cajun girl slides all the way down the front of her opponents legs to her knees. On the way down, she hooks her hands in Boche’s cheetah print Speedo and yanks them all the way to his feet. She lunges against his legs, knocking him off balance and onto his rump. She slips his briefs over his feet and runs from the oil pit! The King is aghast! He rolls onto his belly to cover his bare privates! He looks back and catches a glimpse of the Cajun princess as she skips down the main aisle with his Speedos raised above his head! He watches the crazy bitch giggle as she twirls them on her finger all the way out the main entrance of the arena! The King begins screaming for a towel! A towel is handed to him and he tosses is back in disgust, “I cannot cover up with a hand towel!” Finally a blanket is brought for him to wrap himself in. He covers himself and follows small oily footprints down the main aisle and into the parking lot. He follows them out to where he had earlier seen a Volkswagon Beetle with Tennessee plates parked. The car, the Cajun bitch and his Speedos were gone. He stalks back toward the arena vowing vengeance, but before he gets there, he is given an envelope by a security guard. The guard says that one of his own valets said for this letter to be given to Boche only. The King ripped open the letter and turned bright red with anger when he read it:
Dear Boche,
Cajun girls are used to fighting in swamp mud pits. The winner is the one who doesn’t have to weave a dress out of reeds just to walk home!
Love,
Jonica
xoxo
The incensed Boche storms back into the arena just in time to hear the official announcement:
The winner of the First Annual Canadians vs Cajuns tournament by way of disqualification via count out is the still unbeaten “King Of The Oil Pit,” BOCHE!!!
Boche raises his hands high above his head in a classic victory pose but he doesn’t understand why there is no reaction from the crowd! No cheers and no booing! Just silence! He opens his eyes and finds everyone in the building staring at him in stunned shock! Then he realizes that when he raised his arms in victory…his robe dropped to the floor! He quickly snatches it up and storms to his dressing room! Under his breath he is still vowing revenge on “that damn Cajun bitch!”
Post Script….
For years following the theft of his Speedos, The King receives photographs from an anonymous email address. It seems his bikini briefs have traveled around North America and around the world:
- One pic has A-Rod wiping his bat with them before a plate appearance.
- One shows Alabama coach Nick Saban waving them above his head as his team takes the field in the Iron Bowl.
- Another shows President Obama clutching them while giving an impassioned speech about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
- They have been spotted at Formula One and NASCAR races.
- There is a rumor they have even been to the moon.
- Girls Gone Wild has them prominently featured on several DVDs.
- One girl even wore them in the Ultimate Surrender championship match.
Boche files each picture in a folder entitled “Revenge.”
Meanwhile, as Boche is filing his latest photos away, four women...three look very similar to "The King's" three valets...meet next to a mudpit somewhere deep in Louisiana's Atchafalaya River Basin. They are holding their own private tournament to decide which one will have to weave a dress from reeds for the walk home.....
Author's note:
Thanks to "The Great" and all wise Boche for being such a good sport! If you enjoyed the story, stop by and tell him that he needs to lend himself to further victimization in the stories forum!
I really hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Jonica
xoxo
