FreeCatFights
General Category => Catfight , Boxing & Wrestling Stories => Catfighting => Topic started by: Michelle on April 03, 2014, 11:03:21 PM
-
This is Chapter 1 of my Pirate Series that was posted earlier in another thread. I will be posting Chapter 2 this evening.
All comments are welcome, especially how people would like to maybe see the story unfolding going forward
*Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main - The Pirate Michelle's Fleet Arrives*
I am Commander of the largest pirate fleet this side of Cartagena and we've made our way around the Cape. We have moved in to take what is rightfully ours, that being Tortuga itself! Everything that can be carried away will be! Some dead will be carried off too if we can’t get their valuables and jewelry off of them. Those dead we’ll simply toss overboard after we remove what we want from their cold dead bodies! (Might be the beginning of a zombie trend in pirate land! I can see it now…”Pirates of the Caribbean – ZOMBIES RULE!)
I have my always lustful and bloodthirsty co-captain at my side (I'll let you know her name later as we’ll be having elections aboard ship and those can be long drawn out bloody affairs! Then she has to heal up, the whole nine yards, I’ll get back to you on the final winner). All this usually means we take very few prisoners, other than the ones we want as sex slaves and good sex slaves are getting really hard to find you know. Tortuga has become slim pickings for such slaves recently as its home to so many of these scurvy pirates!! God don’t you just hate those pirate types? THEY JUST TAKE AND TAKE AND TAKE!!!! You’d think JUST ONCE they’d try and GIVE A LITTLE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY!!! A little Socialism can go a long way ya know!!
My next target is Port Royal, Jamaica the new center of piracy in the Caribbean. Plus we're sailing under letters from the King of France and welcome any English to join us in our quest to plunder and take anything Spanish as our own! Sorry, I just can’t abide any agreement with the Spanish but I do abide by their gold and I get first dibs on all of it!! Plus have you ever seen that King Phillip of Spain dude? That fucker is BUTT UGLY!! GAAWWDD!!!Ewwwwww!!
Cartagena, on the northern coast of Colombia and on the Spanish Main, is one of our ultimate goals right now. After we stock up with supplies from our raid on Tortuga, its off to Port Royal and then….Cartagena!! (says with ruffles and flourish!) **Please note this is not quite the same as saying..."We're goin to Disneyworld!!... like after a Super Bowl win....you get it don't you? WE KICKED TORTUGA'S ASS!...so the reporter asks us afterwards what we are gonna do next?.....and me and the crew say in chorus...."WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!!"!.......but you get the general idea I think**
All Spanish treasure fleets in route from the Spanish Main and through the Caribbean to Seville are now "Our" property....SO SUE ME!!! (my law firm is Dewey, Cheetum and Howe in New York City fyi). I can do that because as all ways...its ALL ABOUT ME! Well..oh fuck!!....OK!...its about the crew too or they'd mutiny and hang my tall ass and that would suck so bad!! Have you ever walked a damn yard arm? WOWSA!
We also are going to be setting our sites on certain "individuals" we think can be of good use to us as part of our fleet. I can't mention any names right now but I will note you have mentioned a number of the ones we seek, for pleasure and for profit.
I stand at the front of the ship, looking to both fore and aft, watching the rest of my powerful fleet stock up with supplies and make ready as we will soon begin our journey to Port Royal. We spent a month coming around the Cape in rough weather and the fleet and crews needed some badly needed rest and relaxation in Tortuga. So it seemed like a good plan to attack Tortuga...do some serious pillaging (I like pillaging)...and let the crews have some badly needed R&R! The fleet weathered the storms well going around the Cape. They then showed me their mettle by taking Tortuga by storm (sorry stormy…no pun intended). I have great ships and even better men and women on them!! All loyal to the core! I may, however, need help if I am to take Port Royal and I may need it badly!
Once I take Port Royal, I want to hang that fucking bastard “Sir” Henry Morgan from the yard arm of my flagship and then plug him with both my flintlock pistols! “Sir” Henry Morgan, the so-called Lord of Port Royal! GOD HE MAKES ME WANNA PUKE! I hate that bastard for what he did to me when he threw me in his prison two years ago!......and Oh mark my words!...the fucker will pay and pay with his blood! Oh but HE'LL SUFFER FIRST, you can mark my words on that! He'll die knowing I took Port Royal and all his gold and riches! The best part is there is nothing that Sir Henry values more so he will live to see me take his treasures! Then I'll disembowel him and just in general chastise and make ugly faces at him!! I’d have him drawn and quartered but that is so 12th century!! Maybe I’ll make him watch “Gilligan’s Island” reruns! Oh God!! Even I am not that merciless!!
I hate that cocksucker "Sir" Henry Morgan!! How that shithead ever got letters from the King of England I'll never know but it has put the power of the English behind him, although a filthy pirate like me he'll always be, "Sir Henry" or not! I even went to England, to London to see that fucking King! I give him 6...count em!....6 blow jobs!.....and he gives the letters to Morgan?? Is there no loyalty in life anymore? SHEESH! Morgan thinks he'll beat me to my ultimate prizes, which are Cartagena and even Port Bello in Panama, the richest of the Spanish possessions, but I'll beat him there! I've already sent ships ahead to watch.
I sent my second largest ship, the 80-gun "The Flaming Queen"....to handle that job of scoping out Port Bello!
They have an all lesbian crew save for the main deck which I have assigned "The Village People" to. Their captain is one of my most loyal...Sir Freddie Mercury!! "The Village People" do all the heavy lifting and are like sooper dancers and help keep up the spirits of the crew on a long voyage. I'm sure they help keep each other "up" too but that is another story for anther time (don't even think about it you pervs!).
But its help I need to take Port Royal and I'm not sure where to get it. I do have a wild thought!! I need to join forces with another pirate bitch and combine my fleet with hers!! It’s a chancy idea but I didn't get to be captain of the largest pirate fleet on the seas by being timid. Oh hell no!!! I got this job because I look great in a bikini and a pirate’s hat!! Seriously…I mean it!.....that’s how I got the job….really!....I'm not shitting you!!!….I MEAN IT!!
I need an alliance so that when I join forces with this new "ally", none of those other weak ass bitches can stop us! But she can’t be as ambitious as me so I need to be careful whom I choose. We have to at least have been on friendly terms in the past unless we can put differences aside for the sake of getting RICH! It has to be someone I can trust, unlike a certain other fucking wench I was teaming with before, whom if I EVER see her scrawny FLAT CHESTED ASS on these seas again I'll blow her out of the water and she knows it! That bitch has run from me for years! Maybe I'll get lucky and find her, box her in one of the shoals or harbors. Then she doesn't stand a fucking chance against our firepower! And noooooo…I won’t name her name so quit asking!!
With the right ally, a larger fleet and the French behind me, the English don't stand a chance and the Spanish are just too weak. All the Spanish are good for is allowing me to pirate their treasure ships headed back to Seville and Cadiz.
But first things first!! All lookouts be wary and on guard as we're in the Caribbean now! It’s a pirate’s lair! That and the fucking English are always around and I don't want any surprises and right now no one knows we are coming.
After traveling a week on my flagship, the “Southern Cross”, I make my way ashore with my landing parting around the bay from Port Royal, my faithful killer Shi Tzu dog Carly at my side. Carly, who is 12 pounds of pure Shi Tzu terror, is wearing her eye patch and pirate hat and looking especially fearsome. She hasn't had a liver-flavored treat all day so she is ready to bite someone's head off! I take out my Wal Mart Pirate Spyglass and look at the fortifications of Port Royal from our hiding place amongst the jungle growth, checking gun emplacements, counting the number of guns, men, positioning, number of ships......
"If we attack now with the fleet I have, we can take the town but our losses will be too great!" "We need more help!" "I have to talk to another captain somehow and get help!” “With her ships and mine together, we'd unbeatable!"
"ARRHHH!!!" (pathetic pirate snarl)
"Plus...I need a bitch I’d be a god damn hot combination with!" "She has to be sooper hawt and also look like a really sexy bitch in a bikini!!" "We're talkin rockin bod here folks!!!" "Jesus...be still my beating pirate heart!" "MUTHAFUCKA!"
Thinking to myself…..”If we can attack by both the sea and also from the land side of the town, that way we'll have them between the fleet and our land forces!” “With Port Royal under my flag, we will control the Caribbean! Then the fucking English will not dare fuck with us!” “And the Spanish will be ripe for the picking all over the seas between here and Cadiz!” “I hate having to share with the French but the French queen is soooo fucking great in bed!! GAWWWD!!!” “Its damn well worth it!” “That bitch has a tongue that drives me WILD!” “But that’s another story for another time!”
*At that point Michelle's favorite hunting hawk swoops in and lands on her shoulder...also sporting a little patch over one eye*
"Hey Stormy!" "My favorite hawk!" "Did you come to see your Mommy?"…..."Yesss?"......"Does Stormy hawk love Mommy?"......"Yes he sure does!!.....doesn't he?" “Oh he’s so cute!”
*Reaches up…lets the hawk jump over on her forearm…..moves her forearm up to her face and gives her hawk a little kiss on the head, the hawk pecking playfully at her cheek*
*At this point the ever jealous Carly barks a few times and Michelle reaches down and strokes her furry head*
"Carly gets soo jealous!” “Jesus Carly!” “Stormy hawk deserves a little attention too!"
"Ok girls!” “Back to the ships!” “We have plans to make and an attack to plan!”.....the adventure is just beginning!
Footnote - as I am always for giving credit where credit is due...please make note any Hollywood producers that the title of the masterpiece was provided by "The Scribbler"....well known bon vivant and raconteur. I dedicate this series to him for all his mentoring, help and friendship.
-
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
Really good so far...
No Cuban pirates? ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
No. but 'ere be some "Olde Jamaica" rum-flavoured raisin chocolate.
And, don't 'e knock it back all at once!
-
Well, well. It looks like we may be in for an "interesting" voyage. I'll better grab my musket balls and load my pistol. Yarr!
Love to see what's next.
//Braveheart
"Shiver me timbers,,,,arrrrrrrrrrhhhh, Jim lad! 'E got the trimmest little craft this side of the Singapore roads!"
-
Sounds like one of us has been "shivering his timber" too much :P
-
Aye lass, but at me age the ol' sword needs a-sharpenin'. ;)
//Captain Braveheart
Why, does it ...cut less ? lol
-
Sounds like one of us has been "shivering his timber" too much :P
Is it the Dead Sea Scrolls? No, I always walk like this.
-
this is great, its a lot of fun. thanks
-
Oh,this is really some good (and funny) stuff! More please, Captain Michelle.
-
Michelle I enjoy the start of your story Maybe Lyanna can be someone you could pair with in your story. I think she would agree ;) Looking forward to more taking of gold and whatever else you do :)
-
This is Chapter 1 of my Pirate Series that was posted earlier in another thread. I will be posting Chapter 2 this evening.
All comments are welcome, especially how people would like to maybe see the story unfolding going forward
*Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main - The Pirate Michelle's Fleet Arrives*
I am Commander of the largest pirate fleet this side of Cartagena and we've made our way around the Cape. We have moved in to take what is rightfully ours, that being Tortuga itself! Everything that can be carried away will be! Some dead will be carried off too if we can’t get their valuables and jewelry off of them. Those dead we’ll simply toss overboard after we remove what we want from their cold dead bodies! (Might be the beginning of a zombie trend in pirate land! I can see it now…”Pirates of the Caribbean – ZOMBIES RULE!)
I have my always lustful and bloodthirsty co-captain at my side (I'll let you know her name later as we’ll be having elections aboard ship and those can be long drawn out bloody affairs! Then she has to heal up, the whole nine yards, I’ll get back to you on the final winner). All this usually means we take very few prisoners, other than the ones we want as sex slaves and good sex slaves are getting really hard to find you know. Tortuga has become slim pickings for such slaves recently as its home to so many of these scurvy pirates!! God don’t you just hate those pirate types? THEY JUST TAKE AND TAKE AND TAKE!!!! You’d think JUST ONCE they’d try and GIVE A LITTLE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY!!! A little Socialism can go a long way ya know!!
My next target is Port Royal, Jamaica the new center of piracy in the Caribbean. Plus we're sailing under letters from the King of France and welcome any English to join us in our quest to plunder and take anything Spanish as our own! Sorry, I just can’t abide any agreement with the Spanish but I do abide by their gold and I get first dibs on all of it!! Plus have you ever seen that King Phillip of Spain dude? That fucker is BUTT UGLY!! GAAWWDD!!!Ewwwwww!!
Cartagena, on the northern coast of Colombia and on the Spanish Main, is one of our ultimate goals right now. After we stock up with supplies from our raid on Tortuga, its off to Port Royal and then….Cartagena!! (says with ruffles and flourish!) **Please note this is not quite the same as saying..."We're goin to Disneyworld!!... like after a Super Bowl win....you get it don't you? WE KICKED TORTUGA'S ASS!...so the reporter asks us afterwards what we are gonna do next?.....and me and the crew say in chorus...."WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!!"!.......but you get the general idea I think**
All Spanish treasure fleets in route from the Spanish Main and through the Caribbean to Seville are now "Our" property....SO SUE ME!!! (my law firm is Dewey, Cheetum and Howe in New York City fyi). I can do that because as all ways...its ALL ABOUT ME! Well..oh fuck!!....OK!...its about the crew too or they'd mutiny and hang my tall ass and that would suck so bad!! Have you ever walked a damn yard arm? WOWSA!
We also are going to be setting our sites on certain "individuals" we think can be of good use to us as part of our fleet. I can't mention any names right now but I will note you have mentioned a number of the ones we seek, for pleasure and for profit.
I stand at the front of the ship, looking to both fore and aft, watching the rest of my powerful fleet stock up with supplies and make ready as we will soon begin our journey to Port Royal. We spent a month coming around the Cape in rough weather and the fleet and crews needed some badly needed rest and relaxation in Tortuga. So it seemed like a good plan to attack Tortuga...do some serious pillaging (I like pillaging)...and let the crews have some badly needed R&R! The fleet weathered the storms well going around the Cape. They then showed me their mettle by taking Tortuga by storm (sorry stormy…no pun intended). I have great ships and even better men and women on them!! All loyal to the core! I may, however, need help if I am to take Port Royal and I may need it badly!
Once I take Port Royal, I want to hang that fucking bastard “Sir” Henry Morgan from the yard arm of my flagship and then plug him with both my flintlock pistols! “Sir” Henry Morgan, the so-called Lord of Port Royal! GOD HE MAKES ME WANNA PUKE! I hate that bastard for what he did to me when he threw me in his prison two years ago!......and Oh mark my words!...the fucker will pay and pay with his blood! Oh but HE'LL SUFFER FIRST, you can mark my words on that! He'll die knowing I took Port Royal and all his gold and riches! The best part is there is nothing that Sir Henry values more so he will live to see me take his treasures! Then I'll disembowel him and just in general chastise and make ugly faces at him!! I’d have him drawn and quartered but that is so 12th century!! Maybe I’ll make him watch “Gilligan’s Island” reruns! Oh God!! Even I am not that merciless!!
I hate that cocksucker "Sir" Henry Morgan!! How that shithead ever got letters from the King of England I'll never know but it has put the power of the English behind him, although a filthy pirate like me he'll always be, "Sir Henry" or not! I even went to England, to London to see that fucking King! I give him 6...count em!....6 blow jobs!.....and he gives the letters to Morgan?? Is there no loyalty in life anymore? SHEESH! Morgan thinks he'll beat me to my ultimate prizes, which are Cartagena and even Port Bello in Panama, the richest of the Spanish possessions, but I'll beat him there! I've already sent ships ahead to watch.
I sent my second largest ship, the 80-gun "The Flaming Queen"....to handle that job of scoping out Port Bello!
They have an all lesbian crew save for the main deck which I have assigned "The Village People" to. Their captain is one of my most loyal...Sir Freddie Mercury!! "The Village People" do all the heavy lifting and are like sooper dancers and help keep up the spirits of the crew on a long voyage. I'm sure they help keep each other "up" too but that is another story for anther time (don't even think about it you pervs!).
But its help I need to take Port Royal and I'm not sure where to get it. I do have a wild thought!! I need to join forces with another pirate bitch and combine my fleet with hers!! It’s a chancy idea but I didn't get to be captain of the largest pirate fleet on the seas by being timid. Oh hell no!!! I got this job because I look great in a bikini and a pirate’s hat!! Seriously…I mean it!.....that’s how I got the job….really!....I'm not shitting you!!!….I MEAN IT!!
I need an alliance so that when I join forces with this new "ally", none of those other weak ass bitches can stop us! But she can’t be as ambitious as me so I need to be careful whom I choose. We have to at least have been on friendly terms in the past unless we can put differences aside for the sake of getting RICH! It has to be someone I can trust, unlike a certain other fucking wench I was teaming with before, whom if I EVER see her scrawny FLAT CHESTED ASS on these seas again I'll blow her out of the water and she knows it! That bitch has run from me for years! Maybe I'll get lucky and find her, box her in one of the shoals or harbors. Then she doesn't stand a fucking chance against our firepower! And noooooo…I won’t name her name so quit asking!!
With the right ally, a larger fleet and the French behind me, the English don't stand a chance and the Spanish are just too weak. All the Spanish are good for is allowing me to pirate their treasure ships headed back to Seville and Cadiz.
But first things first!! All lookouts be wary and on guard as we're in the Caribbean now! It’s a pirate’s lair! That and the fucking English are always around and I don't want any surprises and right now no one knows we are coming.
After traveling a week on my flagship, the “Southern Cross”, I make my way ashore with my landing parting around the bay from Port Royal, my faithful killer Shi Tzu dog Carly at my side. Carly, who is 12 pounds of pure Shi Tzu terror, is wearing her eye patch and pirate hat and looking especially fearsome. She hasn't had a liver-flavored treat all day so she is ready to bite someone's head off! I take out my Wal Mart Pirate Spyglass and look at the fortifications of Port Royal from our hiding place amongst the jungle growth, checking gun emplacements, counting the number of guns, men, positioning, number of ships......
"If we attack now with the fleet I have, we can take the town but our losses will be too great!" "We need more help!" "I have to talk to another captain somehow and get help!” “With her ships and mine together, we'd unbeatable!"
"ARRHHH!!!" (pathetic pirate snarl)
"Plus...I need a bitch I’d be a god damn hot combination with!" "She has to be sooper hawt and also look like a really sexy bitch in a bikini!!" "We're talkin rockin bod here folks!!!" "Jesus...be still my beating pirate heart!" "MUTHAFUCKA!"
Thinking to myself…..”If we can attack by both the sea and also from the land side of the town, that way we'll have them between the fleet and our land forces!” “With Port Royal under my flag, we will control the Caribbean! Then the fucking English will not dare fuck with us!” “And the Spanish will be ripe for the picking all over the seas between here and Cadiz!” “I hate having to share with the French but the French queen is soooo fucking great in bed!! GAWWWD!!!” “Its damn well worth it!” “That bitch has a tongue that drives me WILD!” “But that’s another story for another time!”
*At that point Michelle's favorite hunting hawk swoops in and lands on her shoulder...also sporting a little patch over one eye*
"Hey Stormy!" "My favorite hawk!" "Did you come to see your Mommy?"…..."Yesss?"......"Does Stormy hawk love Mommy?"......"Yes he sure does!!.....doesn't he?" “Oh he’s so cute!”
*Reaches up…lets the hawk jump over on her forearm…..moves her forearm up to her face and gives her hawk a little kiss on the head, the hawk pecking playfully at her cheek*
*At this point the ever jealous Carly barks a few times and Michelle reaches down and strokes her furry head*
"Carly gets soo jealous!” “Jesus Carly!” “Stormy hawk deserves a little attention too!"
"Ok girls!” “Back to the ships!” “We have plans to make and an attack to plan!”.....the adventure is just beginning!
Footnote - as I am always for giving credit where credit is due...please make note any Hollywood producers that the title of the masterpiece was provided by "The Scribbler"....well known bon vivant and raconteur. I dedicate this series to him for all his mentoring, help and friendship.
-
Michelle ...
Great seeing you have this up, and off the ground!!
Money for nothing ... and Spanish doubloons for Pirate Michelle for free !!
Storm
-
This is Chapter 2 of my Pirate Series that began earlier in this thread. I will be posting Chapter 3 later this week (I hope!).
All comments are welcome, especially how people would like to maybe see the story unfolding going forward.
I want to thank everyone for their continued support and encouragement and I hope you enjoy this instalment.
Chapter 2 - Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main – The Pirate Michelle and Crew and Plans for Port Royal
People often ask “How did Michelle get her start in piracy?” Why does she hate the British so much (like prison time in an English prison ISN’T ENOUGH TO HATE THE FUCKERS?)?
Well it all began in an ocean far far away in an alternate universe. Michelle was a passenger on a French ship headed for Hispaniola when it was attacked by a British frigate and sunk. Michelle and her childhood friend, Harper along with Michelle’s faithful Shi Tzu killer dog Carly, as usual wearing her eye patch and looking fierce, were adrift in a lifeboat after their ship had gone down. Luckily they were able to grab a lifeboat. While searching through the boat's provisions, Michelle stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, she rubbed the lamp vigorously (OK…its at this point I KNOW what some of you are thinking. “I bet she was RUBBING more than that LAMP!” “Out there that long and she wasn’t pleasuring herself?” “Michelle?” “NO WAY!” “PULEEEZE!”)
To the amazement of our intrepid castaways, a Genie came forth (and no, she DID NOT look like Barbara Eden. She was, however, the spitting image for MILA KUNIS though! HOT DAMN! WOWSA!). The Genie stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three (ONE!! NOT THREE?? At this point I would have tossed the fucking lamp in the drink but Michelle has always been a little “cheap”). Without giving any thought to the matter, the thirsty and rapidly dehydrating (Remember…She was pleasuring herself A LOT!) Michelle blurted out.
"MAKE THE ENTIRE OCEAN INTO RUM!"
The Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and immediately there after the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mere mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Now only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the Michelle and Harper considered their circumstances.
Harper finally looked disgustedly at the soon to be famous pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke:
"Now you've done it!! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat Motherfucker!!"
Hence, the beginning of the career of the pirate Michelle!!
SIDEBAR – The following is told from the vantage point and drunken stupor of Captain Michelle
SIDEBAR CLOSED
(I know a sidebar wasn't needed but my Dad always wanted me to be an attorney and I just wanted to use that word a few times)
It was a bright day on the high seas, very hot and sweltering in the southern Caribbean and it was about to get A LOT HOTTER. Today was the day that the final challenge for who was to be Michelle’s co-captain was to occur. The two women who are vying for that title are the two she frankly thought would end up going at it in the beginning. Michelle’s fleet was in route to Port Royal and she wanted this settled well before they got there.
Anne has been with me from the outset and helped me escape from the English prison I was put in after seeking letters from that fucking so called “King”. I don’t hide my affection for her well and I admit I probably harbor some secret desire for her to win the contest. Hey I can do that! She’s HAWT!! You haven’t SEEN her! Don’t be judging me!!! I AM the Captain!! “I HAVE NEEDS!”
Anne is a tall red haired beauty, 5’8” tall, 130 pounds, emerald green eyes, and breasts that just don’t seem to quit, wow!! (Again…don’t be judging me! Captains really do get horny too! HEY! You try staying out to sea A YEAR OR MORE at a time and see how HORNY you get!) She’s maybe the one of the only member of all my crews who could match me in skill and seamanship. She’s captain of my other lead ship, “The Flying Vagina” (is that not the COOLEST name for a ship you ever heard?) while I piloted my flagship “Southern Cross”
Anne was born in County Cork, Ireland in 1695, and was the illegitimate daughter of a local magistrate and his housemaid. They immigrated to America after Anne’s birth and settled on a plantation in Virginia. Angelica was a very headstrong young woman "with a fierce and courageous temper". She was 18 when eloped with a young ne'er-do-well Johnny Depp look-a-alike, against her father's wishes. The person turned out to be in league with pirates (OK, I know what your thinking…Johnny Depp look-a-like…. pirate…..Caribbean….does he act like Keith Richards?) and she was taken to a pirates' lair in New Providence in the Bahamas, but in 1725, when the Bahamian Governor, with the King's backing, issued pardons to any pirate promising to lay down their sword and swear allegiance to the King. Anne’s pirate husband (Johnny Depp) turned informant and Anne became disgusted with his cowardice and left him. She also just could NOT handle that Keith Richards persona and some other things best left unmentioned. There were also rumors he drank a lot and smoked a shit load of weed and was just fucking weirder than shit (that would have been my first clue). It was not long after this that she met Michelle in Port Royal and some say, fell in love with the infamous female pirate captain. She began sailing with Michelle on her ship the “Southern Cross” and with its famous signature skull-and-crossed-daggers flag, they began a campaign of preying on Spanish treasure ships off Cuba and Hispaniola initially. They then spread their sphere of influence out to the entire Caribbean and the Spanish Main.
Mary was born at Plymouth, England, about 1700. Mary was a blonde lass, about 5’7” and 128 pounds with a very shapely desirable (at least to Michelle) figure. Her mother's husband was a sea-faring man who left on a long voyage and was never heard from again. He'd left his wife with Mary before he left. The mother waited years for her husband to return and when her money ran out, she took Mary to London to appeal to her mother-in-law for financial help.
Mary, poor and desperate, disguised herself as a male and enlisted in a foot regiment in England and later a horse regiment, serving in both with distinction. She fell in love with a fellow soldier, disclosed her true sex, and began dressing as a female. After their marriage, she and her husband became innkeepers, owning the Black Spot Inn near Southwick. Unfortunately, he died young and her fortunes soon dwindled.
She knew that life in the 1700s was much easier as a man than as a woman, so she reverted back to men's clothing and started her life over, this time going to sea on a Dutch merchant ship heading to the Caribbean. During one voyage, Michelle’s pirates, with whom she joined up with and has fought to this day, captured Mary’s ship. Mary found a lover on board and is said to have saved her life by protecting her from a threatened duel. She picked a fight with her opponent first and, with deadly use of her sword and pistol, ended her life before she could harm her lover.
Both Anne and Mary were known for their violent tempers and ferocious fighting, and they shared a reputation as "fierce hell cats and just contrary bitches in general." Their fellow crewmembers knew that -- in times of action -- no one else was as ruthless and bloodthirsty as these two women were. Captain Michelle, nicknamed "Goddess Michelle" for her statuesque beauty, was a one of the most famous and ruthless pirates in those days, but her reputation, she often freely admitted, has survived through the ages, in part, because of these two infamous women pirates on her crew. Mary and Anne, however, say they both owe their very lives to Michelle, and while she is beyond ruthless, her benevolence is why they are here. They both also know at the end of the day, she is the leader of this fleet and supreme Captain, Goddess and the one with the best ass and tits. Trust me that count’s for a lot with the crews. Besides, just try disagreeing with her on that score. Just sayin…..
Michelle and her pirate’s legend and reputation continued to grow when in late October 1710; Michelle's ship was anchored off Point Negril, Jamaica, the pirates celebrating recent victories in their typical hard-drinking tradition. Suddenly a British Navy sloop -- the man-o-war Serapis, headed by Captain Alden Radcliff -- surprised them. The drunken male pirates quickly hid below deck, leaving only Anne and Mary to defend their ship. The women yelled at their pirate mates to "come up, you cowards, and fight like men," but the men stayed below deck. The British tried to board the ship but Michelle, Mary and Anne fought them off, killing a score of the British and forcing them to give up their efforts to capture the ship intact and forcing a retreat. Both Mary and Anne were wounded but recovered and their bond with Michelle thereafter sealed. It also hardened Michelle’s increasing hatred for the British.
It should be noted that Michelle HUNG her entire crew after this incident save for Anne and Mary!
(Now…while some would maybe call this extreme, lets not judge Michelle too harshly. Besides, she let her dog Carly live too! I find that to be very endearing.)
In 1719, Michelle and her crew gained their greatest notoriety by STEALING A FRIGATE! Michelle and her crew, lead by Anne and Mary were at a town in Cuba, refitting their small sloop, when a 60 gun Spanish warship charged with patrolling the Cuban coast entered the harbor, along with a small English sloop they had captured. The Spanish warship saw the pirates but could not get at them at low tide, so they parked in the harbor entrance to wait for morning to move in and attack. That night under cover of darkness, Michelle and her crew silently rowed out and overpowered the Spanish guards on the frigate and took the crew and officers prisoner. By morning, they left the harbor with the much larger, newer ship and prize, along with the captured English sloop. As dawn broke the townspeople were greeted by the wonderful site of the entire Spanish crew standing naked on the beach and their captain and officers all wearing dresses and tied to stakes in the sand and looking quite embarrassed. Michelle had even placed wigs on the Spaniards heads. It is widely thought that these represented the first cross-dressers in the Western hemisphere. It was that stolen ship that Michelle named ultimately, the “Southern Cross”.
The crew was gathered on the main deck at high noon and a hotter one could not have been picked! The temperature was sizzling, it was horribly humid and the sun was beating down on us in waves. It didn’t matter however as the time had been set and both women were beyond anxious. The main deck near the front of the ship was cleared and I stood out in the open area on the overlooking quarterdeck deck and began addressing the crew. Michelle was wearing her usual Captain’s working garb: a loose-sleeved red homespun shirt that laced up the front, and a metal reinforced corselet made of black leather. A wide leather pistol belt holding two flintlocks ran diagonally across her chest. Another pistol jammed down under her wide leather waist belt. Her shapely legs (I can damn well say my legs are shapely, who will if I don’t? And if you like those, try moving up to my tits! I can say that, can't I?) were clad in black trousers, with high, folded-over black boots. On her head was a broad-brimmed black hat. One side was rolled up, and a jaunty black and white plume waved in the breeze. Say what you want but this bitch can DRESS!
“Ladies and cross-dressers!” “Oh you too Freddie and your Village peeps (see Chapter 1)” ”You all know why we’re here!” “You all shall bear witness to a contest for my second in command of the greatest pirate fleet the oceans of the world have ever seen!” “And that choice has come down to a trial by combat by two women you all know and respect!!”
I walked over to Anne and found her with her staring out at the open sea. There was a flask in her hand as she turned and spoke. “Captain,” Anne said, “I’ve spoken to the crew and reassured them.” “There is to be no interference, no repercussions if this turns out badly for me.” Then Anne spoke again. "But Michelle, if she wins, please kill the BITCH!" I smiled and responded. "Love to!" I looked Anne in the eyes and neither of us spoke for a moment, we didn’t have to, we had been together too long. I then took her in my arms and kissed her like there was going to be no tomorrow! (God its good Ta be Da Captain!) We broke our what seemed like an endless kiss and I whispered to Anne, “Kick her ass and I’ll fuck you into a coma later baby”. I then heard Mary walk up behind me and stop. I turned and looked at her over my shoulder, then slowly turned and extended my hand to her. I took it in mine and I said in a low voice….”Good luck Mary, I fear your going to need it” Mary looked at me quizzically and I just smiled.
The two women made their way down to the cleared main deck and through the gathered crew that surrounded it as spectators. Each was handed a cutlass in a scabbard and made their way to opposite ends of the cleared area. Anne was dressed in brown trousers and folded over black boots, along with a loose-sleeved white shirt, almost open to her navel, revealing her rather ample cleavage. Her chest and face already streaked with perspiration. She had put on brown gloves over her hands.
Mary was dressed similarly, black trousers, brown folded over boots and also a white shirt she had open to just below her heaving breasts. She wore a gold necklace around her neck. Black gloves adorned her hands.
Each woman slowly drew her sword from its scabbard, and then tossed the scabbard aside as they slowly began circling each other, sizing each other up, swords extended out, occasionally feinting and thrusting, both twirling the point of the sword in front of her adversary. Each tried to stay balanced, keeping her feet about shoulder width apart as she parried, keeping her feet on the ground as she tried to slide forwards and backward.
Their intense duel ranged across the deck with swords clanging together and loud shrieks filling the heavy sea air!! Crew members were shouting encouragement to their favorite! Anne’s assaults, incessant, insistent and intrusive, drove Mary clear across and all around the main deck!! Both swung their swords from overhead and they clanged together loudly! Mary then suddenly swung her right leg up and DROVE HER FOOT up into Anne’s midsection!!! Anne GRUNTED OUT and felt HER BODY SLAM INTO THE RAILING!! GUUUUUUUUH!!! Mary raised her cutlass over her head and slammed it down on Anne!! Anne quickly twisted and rolled her body to the side along the railing and just barely evaded Mary’s sword as it slammed and cut into the wood railing, splinters flying in all directions!! Ann quickly spun back around and over and drove her right fist hard into Mary’s jaw before she could pull her sword loose from the railing!! Mary’s head twisted with the blow and she quickly twisted her head back and suddenly spit blood from her mouth in Anne’s face!! Mary grinned and whispered to Anne, “Next time bitch!” she snarled as she jerked her sword free from the railing!
Anne jerked her head back and glared in anger at Mary, throwing another right fist that cracked into Mary’s chin! Mary’s head jerked back, her hair flying as she staggered back a few steps! Anne knew the best defense is good offense and it was now time while Mary was stunned! She repeatedly thrust her cutlass at Mary so fast that all Mary could do was defend. Anne kept thrusting in at Mary time and time again, gliding in on her front boot and pushing off her back one! Mary parrying down and across to counter Anne’s thrusts, her sword clanging against Anne’s! Anne slowly backing Mary up!! A quick slash by Anne suddenly across Mary’s upper arm!! Her khaki colored shirt immediately showing an every growing blotch of red! Mary slashed her cutlass across Anne’s chest and the sharp point of the blade caught the side of Anne’s right breast as she shrieked in pain! Her white shirt now becoming stained with red over her breast! Then a slash by Anne across Mary’s midsection and another swath of red appearing on her shirt! Mary cryed out as the razor sharp sword tip finds its mark and cuts through her shirt and scraping across that top layer of skin covering her abs! A swath of red appearing across her white shirt! Anne then began going low with her thrusts, then suddenly she swung her sword in an upward slicing motion at the end of one of her thrusts. The tip of the blade cut along Mary’s soft white cheek! Mary’s hands thrust up, her hand holding the sword going to her cut face! Anne then slashed across with her sword hard against the blade of Mary’s, with a loud metallic clang the swords impact and Mary’s flies from her hand, sending it flying across the quarterdeck!! Anne then quickly places the point of her sword almost against Mary’s throat, pinning her against the railing, Mary’s torso leaning back over the top of it more and more as Anne pushes the sword closer to Mary’s throat! The crew screaming out for blood!!
“Cut out her tongue Anne!” “Run the whore through!”
Anne’s eyes grow wider as her trembling lips began to speak. “SAY YOUR PRAYERS cxnt!” She drew back the sword a bit and began to push it against Mary’s throat when suddenly….
BAMM!!!!!!
A shot ring out!! Captain Michelle was standing on the upper deck level overlooking the action and holding a discharged pistol over her head, smoke still curling from the muzzle.
“IT’S OVER!” Michelle shouted! “I won’t loose a good crew person if I can help it!” “I need all of you when I assault Port Royal!” “IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?”
“Now…does ANYONE DISAGREE with me?”
The crew began looking around at each other, whispering, shrugging shoulders.
Michelle quickly laid the discharged pistol on the railing, her left hand already holding another loaded pistol as she reached down and pulled a second from inside her belt, cocking both flintlocks and leveling them at the gathered crew.
Harper is standing by her, a pistol in each hand. Michelle glances over out of the corner of her eye and sees Harper, then focuses again on the crew in front of her, and whispers “Where in the HELL DID YOU COME FROM?”
Harper answers, “Oh I was just in the neighborhood looking for a Starbucks and thought you might need a hand”
Michelle’s smile grows wider as she whispers back “Thanks smart ass, I owe you one”
Harper replies “Does that mean I get a back rub tonight?” “Maybe get my toenails painted?”
Michelle smiles, then grins a moment. “Mebbe, sorta”
Michelle then yells out to the crew “ANYONE?” “NO ONE!” “OH COME ON!!” Surely one of you bitches is DUMB enough to make a move or Say SOMETHING?” “JESUS!” ‘You girls used to be SO MUCH FUN TOO!” “So I don’t get to shoot ANYONE TODAY?” ‘No one has some REALLY FUTILE GESTURE to make or BONE-HEADED thing to say?” “No one even going to SHOOT ME THE MIDDLE FINGER?”
The suddenly, from the back of the gathered crew, a hand slowly rises above all the hats and heads and a MIDDLE FINGER BEGINS TO STRETCH FROM THE UPRAISED HAND.
Michelle squints and peers at the hand for a moment and her jaw just drops!
“MOM?”
“IS THAT YOUR HAND MOM?” “COME ON MOMMY!!” “WE TALKED ABOUT THIS DAMMIT!”
“YOU PROMISED TO RESPECT ME AS CAPTAIN!!”
Michelle folds her arms across her chest and stomps her boot down hard on the deck, pouting as she turns her back to the gathered crew.
A voice comes out from the back of the gathered mass “Sorry honey!” “I forgot!”
Michelle turns back and faces the crew and yells out one more time.
“You girls used to be SO MUCH FUN!” “FUCK!” “I used to have to shoot ONE OF YOU A WEEK in the ASS!”
A voice is heard from the huddled masses “Why not SHOOT YOUR MOM IN THE ASS THEN?”
The crew burst out in collective laughter and Michelle breaks up herself. The ploy had worked and the chain of command was now set as she wanted it. Anne is her co-captain and for the moment she got her crew to buy in.
Michelle’s exec officer Harper leaned against the railing next to Michelle. Michelle looked over at Harper and smiled, whispering to her “Why'd I get mixed up with that bitch Anne anyway?”
Harper smiled broadly and answered. “Cause she's got a GREAT ASS... and you got your head ….ALL THE WAY UP IT!” “Ferocious, aren't I?” “When we think of ASSES, a woman's ASS, we gotta think Anne..,,,don’t we Captain?”
Michelle stopped for a minute and thought ”Why did Harper just sound so much like Al Pachino in the movie “Heat”?”
Michelle screamed down to the crew. ”Make sail for Port Royal!!” ‘Look lively girls!!” “Oh you too Freddie!”
“Officer’s Call in my cabin in 10 minutes!!”
We next see Michelle, Anne, Harper and Mary in Michelle’s opulent almost Central Park West-like cabin, going over a map of Port Royal and the surrounding area.
“Its like this girls.” “Anne is leading half the fleet around to the backside of the port and they’ll come ashore and move inland.” “Harper is going to sneak in with her ladies and take out the lookouts and see of she can spike as many cannon as she can before first light.” “I’ll lead the fleet to the mouth of the bay and we’ll drift in from there”. I will lead the fleet into the harbor and Mary will follow in the “Flying Vagina” (snickers heard amongst the group)
“At first light I’ll begin firing with a broadside at the fort.” “That will be the signal for Anne to attack from behind the fort.” “Harper and her people will have sneaked around to join Anne.”
“If everyone is in place and we have surprise on our side ladies, we can do this!!” “OK, everyone to their positions, we make Port Royal within the hour!”
“Good Luck!!”
TO BE CONTINUED
CHAPTER 3 – PORT ROYAL AND BEYOND
-
Why does she hate the British so much (like prison time in an English prison ISN’T ENOUGH TO HATE THE FUCKERS?)?
You could have gone to the colonies~
. Good story but lay off the British or I will have to write you into a story and have you defeated by some British woman. How am I going to get Michelle and a Brit to Chicago?
Hmmmm
-
Oh come on!!!
The damn Brits have a QUEEN!!!
Come on!!!......A QUEEN????
they went to war for the FALKLANDS!!!
THE FALKLANDS is a resort for penguins!!!
they beat ARGENTINA!!!!
I rest my case......of what I am not totally sure...but I rest my case :P
-
Michelle
I am not sure what you are complaining about
Her Majesty
the Falklands (Which have oil nearby too I believe)
or Penguins
please clarify
-
Let me regurgitate myself then...
One - the Fuckin Islands are a resort for penguins....now...I love penguins.....so penguin lovers.....back the fuck off!!
Two - Da Queen - I love Queen..Freddie Mercury was a Bad Ass.....greatest band in history behind DIre Straits!
Three - So what am I complaining about?
errrr.......nuttin...I could use a nice raise though :)
*smiles sweetly*
-
Oh my God ... My man Braveheart is arguing with himself! Dude, you need to cut back on those meds. Seriously, you guys crack me up. And Michelle, I think you're the Queen. Can't wait to see more. And yes Dire Straits is the best ...
-
I sincerely hope people don't think I am insulting Brits or disparaging them. Some PM's I have received seem to reflect the contrary.
I thought that the over all tenor of my story would be taken in the fun, silly and humorous vein that it was intended to be in because that is truly how it all was meant.
If I have offended anyone, I can only offer my apologies and refrain from writing in that vein again.
-
err the Easter Rebelliion was in 1916.
-
The Brits aside.....I might pick on the French though :P
-
and the Australians are always fair game....DUH!
-
Horace François Bastien Sébastiani, Comte de La Porta poops his silk pants ...
//Braveheart
Didn't he graduate from that former penal colony now know as Australia?
Just sayin..
God Save Da Queen!
-
Horace François Bastien Sébastiani, Comte de La Porta poops his silk pants ...
//Braveheart
Couldn't he get to the Porta Potti in time?
GG
-
Meanwhile, back in France, an aged crone [well, she would be by now], named Marie Antoinettem paces up and down in the Royal palace. She is not well pleased.
"Chic alors! Do I not haff enough to contend wit, zese days? You mean ziss?!"
"Oui, Majesty! Ze Ingleesh - zey are joining in zer maritime gold rush in zer Caribbean", replies her messenger.
Marie Antoinette gets more irate, "Vell zen, launch ze fleet for ze honour of France! Ve shall blockade zem and starve zem out!"
"But Majesty! Zat is inhumane! Zey vill starve to death!", the messenger replies.
"Sapristi! Zen let zem eat cake!" the Queen says with a haughty look.
-
Meanwhile this Cubanita pirate is sitting on the beach guarding her treasure smoking her Cuban cigar and drinking a Baccardi ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Mind that Cuban cigar doesn't fall where the other one did, or there'll be frantic break dancing on Varadeo beach! :o ;D
GG
-
Wonderfully written, but again, I wouldn't have expected any less from you Chelley :*
-
I'm imagining Eva with a box of cigars, a bottle of rum, a sword and a brace of pistols...and a parrot...all in her cleavage :)
Jeez, mate! I've heard of "well-stacked", but this is ridiculous! What about the mini cannon...and the crate of thunderflashes? :o
GG
-
I continue to thank all of you for your encouragement and support!.......it really means a lot to me...
And I am going to give a shout out to one that has particular meaning.....
To the super sexy and always gorgeous Ewa S......
Thank you baby......You're still the best :)
To the rest of you..again thanks....Chapter 3 coming up I hope Monday!!
-
I have decided to dedicate out attack on Port Royal to Harper's dog Agamemnon!
A better pirate dog never lived!!
This one is for you Aga!!!
-
Eva only one thing to say for all that you are holding in the one place Oh My ;)
We have a future Author in FCF who has two different stories up... one a little serious ( Harper's) and this one that has with its crazy fun side. *raises a bottle of Rum found in Michelle's ship*Cheers! Yo Ho Ho *staggering* Michelle's first mate Carly has noticed me and alerts Capt. Michelle to my presence and she turns her head with her Spanish Pirate hat...with the feather blowing in the sea air and her own Pirate emblem on flag waving above her..... her steely eyes glare at me..... I quickly hide Rum behind my back *hiccup* ;D
-
A very interesting setting! A wonderful madness and abandon permeates throughout to give the story structure a very unique progression. I can almost see the camera panning out to reveal Michelle the narrator sat rocking back and forth in a straight jacket :D
Will be interesting to see how this lunacy on the high seas plays out
x G x
PS. the 'now we all have to piss on the ship' line was a great one ;D
-
This is a very unique concept. You have a great imagination and I'm glad you're here, Michelle. Great work! :)
-
In the ongoing debate as to who is better...a Pirate or a Ninja...I offer the following:
15 Reasons why Pirates are better than Ninjas
1- Pirates don't need to be sober to do their work. In fact, we do our best work totally wasted!
2- Talking about work, Pirates do theirs in groups, interacting with their comrades and singing songs about how good it is to be a pirate. Ninjas keep their mouth shut, do what they have to do, and if they don't do it right, it's seppuku for them. They never speak up and accept the blame. We Pirates invented the now famous "Team Concept".
3- Pirates don't wear tights. Are you shitting me? This aint fucking ballet!
4- Pirates don't wear pajamas in public. Pirates sleep naked or in their own barf after they puke from drinking so much!! ARRRRR!!!
5- Pirates sleep in minimally comfortable nets. Ninjas sleep on the ground, that is, IF they ever do.
6- Pirates use gunpowder as a weapon, not as a distraction. Pirates also don't throw those sissy ass metal star thingies! PUHLEEEZE! A Pirate uses those to pick his or her teeth!
7- Pirates don't need to have a haircut or shave. Ninjas can, at maximum, have a lame ponytail. They also don't have to shave, but that is because they don't have enough testosterone to grow facial hair. HA!
8- Zombie monkey. Enough said.
9- A ninja without a leg is useless. A pirate without a leg is a CAPTAIN!
10- When pirates die, they go to Davey Jones' locker and find a way to come back. When ninjas die, they just go to the city's mortuary. Eat that Ninjas!
11- As a pirate, you get sackfuls of money in attacks on Spanish ships, and you can spend it all in drinks and women or male prostitutes (see the Dread Pirate Michelle). As a ninja, you get a miserable salary and don't even have time to go to the local pub. Plus, chicks dig pirates, not clowns who wear dark tights!
12- Pirates confront their opponent face-to-face with true guts. Ninjas only attack silently and cowardly from the back. I think the word "PUSSY" is appropriate at this moment.
13- Pirates try to die with dignity. Ninjas flee like?? PUSSIES!
14- One Piece is better than Naruto.
15- Pirates have Power Metal bands. Ninjas don't even ring the bell.
PIRATES RULE!....NINJAS DROOL!
Nuff said!
-
The following is Chapter 3 of my continuing Pirate series. As always, any comments, cheers or jeers are always welcomed. I also always love to hear any thoughts on the direction the series should take. I again thank you for the encouragement I have received to date and I hope you enjoy this installment.
CHAPTER 3 – The Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main – Port Royal and Beyond
Port Royal is a city located at the end of the Palisadoes at the mouth of the Kingston Harbor, in southeastern Jamaica. Port Royal has always provided a safe harbor, initially for privateers and subsequently for pirates plying the shipping lanes to and from Spain and Panama. Buccaneers found Port Royal appealing for several reasons. Its proximity to trade routes allowed them easy access to prey, but the most important advantage was the port's proximity to several of the only safe passages or straits giving access to the Spanish Main from the Atlantic. The harbor is large enough to accommodate their ships and provided a place to careen and repair these vessels. Since the English lacked sufficient troops to prevent either the Spanish or French from seizing it, the Jamaican governors eventually turned to the pirates to defend the city.
Port Royal is often described as the “the wickedest city on earth” “Gallows Point” is one of the first points of land visible when entering the port. The gallows were placed there to discourage piracy as the bodies were left there to rot after they were hanged. I vow no other pirate will hang from there after I’m done here today!
The Spanish shipped their treasure abroad from here and guarded it well with the fort and a large contingent of soldiers. I decided to employ a bit of a stealth tactic and arrive at the mouth of the bay under cover of darkness. The Spanish at the mouth of the bay had placed two smaller outposts. The plan called for the troops in the first two forts to be quickly overtaken by Harper’s Special Forces (more on this later). My ultimate plan after I took the city was to either hold it for ransom or fortify it as a permanent base of operations. The latter may not be a wise idea for pirates as we are NOT landlubbers like those fucking pajama-wearing Ninjas!
My hope was to take the city quickly and then subject it to a month of looting and torture, (Ok…I know what you’re thinking…a month of torture to those poor citizens? Gawd Michelle!....Noooo….just kidding....on the torture...we're going to loot the shit out of the damn place!) then hold the city for a ransom of 450,000 pieces of eight, to which the governor of Panama would no doubt respond with troops sent to retake the city. I then would ambush those troops; hold them for ransom and make the governor agree to pay another 100,000 pieces of eight, which would bring the total loot to 550,000! FUCK! Am I GOOD or WHAT?
When I went over my plan with Harper she said. “Captain, you’re a DAMN GENIUS!”
I laugh and say to her. “Girl, I got VISION, and the REST OF THE WORLD WEARS BIFOCALS!!” “But if I’m such a good captain, how come I seem to be short of cash all the time?”
Harper giggles. “Michelle… it's because you're a soft touch, and always taking expensive vacations, and buying drinks for everyone, and you're a rotten gambler.” You also spend money at Starbucks like you own the place!.
I smile a little and whisper. “Well that MIGHT have something to do with it I suppose”
I stood out on the bow of my flagship as I watched Harper get in the long boat to row in and lead her advance party ashore. We waited quietly as night fell over the Caribbean. I decided to address the crew, as we were about to embark on our attack:
"Ye come seeking adventure and salty pirates, eh? Aye, you've come to the proper place. You seek the legend. You seek Captain Michelle. But heed this warning: only a true pirate be fit to sail with Captain Michelle. And that methinks is a perilous voyage for even the bravest of seafarers. So, then, who among you thinks ye has what it takes to join Captain Michelle’s ruddy crew and take Port Royal with me”?
“Say 'aye!'"
The new crew members yelled out in unison. "Aye!" I pounded my fists on the railing and said. “Then get NEKKID and head to my cabin, INDOCTRINATION IN 15 MINUTES!! Tall girls first, short girls at the end of the line, we do have to have some standards you know! Oh. And toss all blondes overboard!! ARRRRRRR!!!!
"HA!!! Then prepare to be put to the test, and face the trials of a pirate's life."
The fleet had arrived at the mouth of the bay leading to Port Royal. Harper’s advance team has signaled they have taken out all Spanish lookouts at the mouth of the bay. We’ll now will begin drifting in as planned and at my signal begin the attack. I sure hope Anne and Harper are in place in a timely fashion or me and my ships are going to be scattered all over this harbor like splinters of wood floating on the water. That would SERIOUSLY suck, cause me to break a nail and most likely ultimately cause coitus interruptus. With my libido, that’s a freaking DEATH SENTENCE! I’d sooner walk the PLANK!
We begin letting our ships drift in to the bay quietly, all lights out, crews as quiet as church mice. At around 6:00 am that morning, my ship fired a signal gun indicating all was ready for the attack. Less than an 15 minutes later, nine warships sailed in behind my flagship, the “Southern Cross” and into positions facing the fort, gun ports slowly opening up.
I’m telling you, I was standing here looking at my crew and saying to my self “Michelle you GORGEOUS” BITCH” “Isn’t being a pirate like the COOLEST thing ever?” “Think about it” “You’re a MOTHERFUCKING PIRATE!!!” “Your whole life is AWESOME!” “It’s AWESOME I SAY, right?” “You have NO MONEY, NO ID, NO CELL phone, NO NOTHING, NO KEYS to the house” “You just run around on the deck…NEKKID!” “You aren’t scared of anything and I challenge you to do that like you’re a REGULAR person!” “COME ON!!” “I DARE YOU!” “All your IDs, all your CREDIT CARDS — just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can’t see your house, and then tell me you aren’t having a full blown on PANIC ATTACK!” “It’s so fucking GREAT!!” “And the best part is…I DON’T HAVE A MORTGAGE!!!” “TAKE THAT MUTHAFUCKAS!”
I actually have what I call “Michelle’s 18 Basic Rules for Being A Great Pirate"
Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules
concerning hygiene and clothing, but they must make up for it by using
TWICE AS MUCH PROFANITY!
A pirate shall NEVER wear lipstick, nail polish, or Capri pants. Actually, that kind of goes without saying. Now I do need to make note that we have made a special exception to that rule for the crew of the “Flying Vagina” Captain Freddie Mercury and I discussed it at length and we agreed that it would be good for the morale of the entire fleet if we let his crew have a pass on that rule. Besides, his crew are great entertainers, they know all those great show tunes and they do a simply awesome job of the interior decorating of the ships in the fleet. Sort of gives the ships more of a “homey” feel. Know what I mean?
No pirate shall discuss her innermost feelings, unless her feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails or cutting his cock off.
No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack". A pirate shall also never wear sweatpants. Yoga pants are standard issue however.
No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace; unless
it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If you are in the presence of
cannibals, a necklace is an acceptable form of camouflage, but only if said
necklace is made of human toes. We have to have standards you know.
Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower (personally, this isn’t just restricted to pirates. I found on a trip to Australia few years back that Aussies tend to prefer beer to water showers. Just sayin.)
Only a pirate from my crew is capable of killing another pirate from my crew. If
you are not a pirate from my crew (let's say you for the sake of example… are a fucking Ninja) and wish to challenge one of “my”
pirates, I have a word for that. “Corpse”
A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean "killing" (I am still having issues with this one but my therapists says I am making good progress). They go lootin' and plunderin'
No pirate shall ever drive a minivan (aka “soccer mom”, unless she drives
the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum
from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be
burned. No exceptions. Is that FUCKING CLEAR?
While creativity is encouraged during any bar fight or
battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. All Katana-type or
any other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips or hacks
off a Ninja's arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a
projectile at said Ninja fucker.
From this point on, all Ninjas are to be referred to as “Ninja Fuckers”
No pirate will ever, ever raise her pinky when drinking any sort of beverage, especially rum and/or grog. We will define grog at a later date. If you are currently eating, trust me, you don’t want to know what grog is.
When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate is allowed by pirate law to add to the rum is more fucking rum. No coffee, no hazelnut syrup, no whipped cream topping!
No pirate may do the arm movements for the song "YMCA", or engage in country-western line dancing.
Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a
Ninja, unless she first decapitates that Ninja and uses the Ninja’s head like a
sock puppet.
A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If she is not
already tan enough from searching for treasure, she hasn't been
searching hard enough. Penalty for violating this rule is death.
Pirates are not allowed to wear pajamas on board ship, or anywhere for that matter! I allowed that we’d be just like fucking Ninjas and the apocalypse would truly be upon us.
Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the
only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball
caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and
flowers will be removed from the vessel-- head included. I am really strict about this! I mean it!!
I get other pirates that ask me “Captain Michelle….”Doesn’t being chased around the seas of the world make you crazy?” I usually answer “I’ve never wanted to kill myself over anything major. “ “It’s always the little things that do me in, like when we run outta rum, or that really expensive Japanese Single Malt Scotch!” “YUMM!!!” “Then I get really PISSED!!”
Anyway…BACK TO THE ASSAULT!!...
The guns are all ready as we slowly drift into position, the full moonlight not giving away our positions yet as my ships line up behind the "Southern Cross", gun ports opening. The square-shaped fort of Port Royal consisted of walls made from palmetto logs 20 feet high and 16 feet wide. The walls were filled with sand, and rose 10 feet above the wooden platforms on which the artillery were mounted. A hastily erected palisade of thick planks helped guard the powder magazine and unfinished northern walls. An assortment of 31 cannon, ranging from 9- and 12-pounders to a few British 18-pounders and French 26-pounders, dotted the front and rear walls.
The sun just begins to creep over the mountains and I realize it’s just about time to rock and roll. NOW OR NEVER! Shit or get off the pot! Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead! That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind! (Sorry, got carried away!) I then tell my crew to run up the flag!!
I scream out!! “FIRE!!!!!!!”
Fire streaks emerge from the muzzles of the cannon on our port side as we unload with a broadside at the fort!!! I hear the sound of musketry in the distance and now Anne and Harper are attacking from the rear of the fort!
WE’VE SURPRISED THEM so now lets finish them!!!
“FIRE!!!!!!”
Another broadside explodes from my ship and the fusillade of cannon shot and chain rips into the fort walls!!!!! Sand and splinters fly in all directions as the shot tears into the walls!! Our frontal assault landing party hits the beach with Mary leading them and the fort STILL has not returned our fire yet!!
Then suddenly the guns of the fort began unloading on us! MUTHAFUCKA!
At the fort, the guns appeared to be concentrating their fire on the our large lead man-of-war ships, my flag ship (FUCK! Why is it always MY SHIP!), the “Southern Cross”, and the “Flying Vagina”, which takes hit after hit from the fort's guns, chains racking the “Vagina” (OK…I know what you’re thinking here…. and some of you all are really sick and need major help! No, this is not S&M 101! Although that story is in the works…. NOW you PERVERTS…back to the action!) and eventually destroyed some of her rigging and damaging both the main and mizzenmasts. One round hit her quarterdeck, slightly wounding my temporary exec in the knee and thigh. My ship was also hit and an explosion on deck also tore off part of my britches, leaving my ass exposed!! FUCK!!! My BEST Yoga pants!!! I spent a fortune for those at Nordstrom’s! SHIT!!!
I had sought to destroy the fort's walls with some persistent broadside cannonades. This strategy was slow in unfolding due to the spongy nature of the palmetto wood used in its constructions; the structure would quiver, and shake and it tended to absorb the cannonballs rather than splintering in many spots. Eventually we managed to find weak points and began firing more shot and chain where the wood was dry. As a result, the walls began to disintegrate rapidly with our fire. The gun crews maintained a steady and accurate fire, the girls of the gun crews stripped to the waist as their bare sinewy torsos glistened in the offset light! Long hair wet and matted, bare chests heaving as perspiration streaked bodies strained to keep the guns firing, large droplets of perspiration collecting on hard erect aroused nipples before falling to the deck. Straining necks descending into sinewy muscles, then developing into toned well-rounded shoulders. Sweat soaked glistening skin blackened in spots with powder and soot, muscles straining to move guns back in place, lift shot and jam it down the muzzles of our guns, rammers moving in and out of the long hard barrels, in and out with the rammers, in and out, in and out, moans leaving soft lips as hands stroked the long hot firm muzzles (Oh God this is TURNING ME ON!!).
We kept firing volley after volley and finally, after about 30 minutes, the forts guns went silent and the Spanish flag lowered, cheers erupting from our decks and from our own ladies standing on top of the forts walls, jumping up and down and dancing in unbridled celebration!
We rowed into shore and made our way up to the fort, my dog Carly in her pirate hat and eye patch, her bared teeth belying her pirate dog fierceness! Suddenly here comes Harper running over with a pistol in each hand and a shit eating grin on her face (Ok, I have always wondered about that “shit eating grin” phrase. Would you really be grinning if you had just eaten shit? And honestly, who eats shit? I know…you’re sitting there thinking…”Michelle…haven’t you ever tasted a “McRib” sandwich before?” And OK, my Shi Tzu Carly, you know her, my faithful pirate dog, she on occasion does eat her poop but I sure NEVER noticed her grinning).
Harper comes running up to me screaming “Captain, Oh Captain!!!” “We kicked their fucking Spanish asses!!” “You would have thought they were French they ran SO fucking fast!” “What a BUNCHA WUSSIES!!”
“Oh and Captain, one of those Spanish prisoners told me a pirate joke” “Can I tell you?” ‘Huh?” “Huh?” “Huh?” “Can I?” “Can I?”
I gave in as I felt if I didn’t Harper would hyperventilate. I finally relented and said “Sure Harpy, tell me the joke”
And she proceeds to tell me this joke. “A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them fucking shit in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
BA DA BING!!!!
Harper just falls down laughing in the sand and I just shake my head and walk away, muttering “California pirates!! JESUS! Sheesh!!”
I make my way up to the fort and find the Spanish commander in the custody. I look over at Harper and Anne and ask, “Who is guarding the margarita machine?” Anne and Harper look at each other and shrug, scratching their heads and then look back at me quizzically.
“You know!” “The MARGARITA machine!” “The Spanish always have one!!” “That’s one of the main reasons I attacked Port Royal you nimrods!!”
Harper and Anne lower their heads in complete and utter dejection; Harper then suddenly looks up and raises her hand.
I roll my eyes skyward, then at her. “Yes Harper!” “What is it?”
“Captain Michelle, I’m not positive but I think the Mexican’s invented the margarita”
I pause and think a moment. “Are you sure Harpy?”
“Yeah Chelley” “I mean…. “Captain”! “I’m pretty sure!” She answered. “It was invented in Mexico to be honest” “Or at least I’m pretty sure it was” “Could have been Texas, but I think it was Mexico” I did have a margarita at this restaurant called “Judge Roy Beans” in Dallas and they claimed they invented the margarita. “They had it on a sign over the door”
I look at Harper and tilt my head a bit to the side, arms folded across my chest.
“Seriously Harpy?”
“Really?”
“Really now?”
The Spanish general in command of the garrison of the fort looks up from his knees; his hands tied behind his back and says “She’s right Oh gorgeous Captain!” “The Mexicans invented it, but we Spanish patented it!! “We also perfected the distribution rights!” “You know the Mexicans suck at that!”
I look over at Anne and she nods her head up and down approvingly. I just throw my hands up in the air, shaking my head acting all pissed off (one thing I have learned about being a successful pirate captain is, you should take some acting lessons because a little drama can go a LONG WAY with your crew. I learned that from Johnny Depp and frankly I don’t know about you but it’s a fucking travesty he didn’t win an Oscar for Best Actor in all those Pirates of the Caribbean movies!)
The Spanish general then looks up at me and says, “Senorita Captain, if I do say so, you got one hot fucking ass!” “Aye CARAMBA!!” What say you untie me and we go to the tavern and I buy you a drink?
I ignore the Spaniard and he seems to take offense to that.
“Captain, HOW is it possible that the commander of this pirate fleet is FEMALE?” he said. “WOW I have heard people talk of female pirates but never had the privilege of meeting one of you cxntS in person!”
I turn and curtsy to the Spanish commander. “Captain Michelle at your service…. LOSER!”
The Spaniard blinked, surprised out of his stupor. “What?” He gaped at me. “Bullshit!” he finally managed. “Impossible! No WOMAN could captain a vessel. That would be UNATURAL, a violation of the laws of God and man. The . . . the Almighty would NEVER permit it.” He leaned closer to me, peering into my eyes, and sniffed loudly. “Have you been drinking, Captain?” “Are you CRAZY?”
I grin from ear to ear and answer back. “I'm not crazy, I'm just COLORFUL!!!”
The Spaniard’s breath was enough to knock over a carthorse. I stepped back, away from the blast. “And No, I’m not drunk, but I wish I was you POMPOUS FUCKING ASSHOLE”
I look over at Harper and my steely gaze meets hers. “Untie this SPANISH PIG!!!”
“And GIVE HIM A SWORD!”
I glare at him and feel my anger growing by the second. “I’ll show you how a “LADY” fights.... you FUCKING COCK SUCKER!”
Harper pulls a dagger from her belt and slices the bindings from the Spaniard’s wrists. He stands up from his chair and rubs his wrists vigorously to get the circulation back, his bearded face smiling at me as he watches me draw my father’s cutlass from its sheath dangling alongside my right thigh.
I smile back and bow deeply from the waist, my arms flying out to my sides. “I am at your pleasure SIR!”
“Shall we DANCE?”
I stand in front of him and back a few feet as Harper hands him her cutlass. He takes it, making a few slashing swaths through the air in front of him. I was wearing my working garb: a loose-sleeved pale homespun shirt that laced up the front (in this case open down to almost my navel), and a metal reinforced corselet made of black leather. My shapely legs were clad in dark trousers, with high, folded-over black boots. On my head was a broad-brimmed black hat. One side was rolled up, and a jaunty black and white plume waved in the breeze. I reached up and unfastened the pistol belt that ran across my chest and handed it to Harper.
I lean in and whisper in Harper’s ear. “Not to be a sore loser, but if I don't win — KILL HIM!”
Harper whispered back. “LOVE TO!”
We both began to slowly circle each other, our boots sliding over the concrete floor.
The Spaniard’s blade suddenly flashed as he aimed a violent downward slash at my chest. My breath stopped as I jerked my torso back as the tip of the cold steel blade slashed across my open shirt, leaving a swath in the cloth but fortunately for me, not going through to the skin.
I wasn’t worried. I had been schooled in fencing by my father, in addition to training with the finest sword masters in England. I leapt back nimbly into the air, and away from a second slash, and came down lightly on the hard floor!
The Spaniard whipped the sword around and over his head! “Shameless HUSSY! Trouser-wearing cxnt! He came me again, and I slashed up with my sword to parry a downward cut by him, our cold steel clanging in the silence of the night! He then thrust straight at my chest with his sword I parried his cut, then disengaged, dancing back.
He quickly came at me and swung his sword across as if to cut my head off and I ducked and side-stepped him as a bull fighter would a crazed bull and as he leapt by me I SWATTED him on his rather fat ass with the flat part of my blade!! He whipped around and snarled at me!! “STAY STILL WHORE!”
I knew the best defense is good offense and it was now time to get busy! I kept repeatedly THRUSTING my cutlass at the General so fast that all he could do was defend. I kept thrusting in again and again, gliding in on my front boot and pushing off my back one! He kept parrying down and across to counter my thrusts and I slowly kept backing him up!! I made a quick slash across his upper arm!! His blue colored uniform shirt immediately showing an ever-growing blotch of red! Another slash across his midsection and another swath of red began appearing on his shirt! He cried out as the razor sharp sword tip found its mark and cut through his shirt and tearing across his abs! I then began going low with my thrusts, then suddenly I swung my sword in an upward slicing motion at the end of one of my thrusts! The tip of the blade cut along his white cheek! The General’s hands thrust up, the hand holding his sword shooting up to cover his cut face! I then slashed across with my sword hard against his blade and with a loud metallic clang the swords impact and his cutlass flies from his hand, bouncing across the floor. I then quickly place the point of my sword almost against his throat, pinning him against the wall! The crew screaming out for blood, begging me to slit his throat!!
“Señor,” I spoke in a voice low and musical. I wasn’t even breathing hard. “I know not who you are, but you are sadly lacking in manners!” That is no way to speak to a lady” “Get on your knees, and you and your men will live!”
The wide-eyed Spaniard quickly drops to his knees, his hands coming up under his chin as if he was praying.
‘TAKE this clown away from my sight!!!”
Harper walks up and puts her right hand on my left shoulder. “I was rooting for you all along, Michelle!
I look at Harper and smile. “Well, thank you, Harper. That's what sustained me in my time of trouble!”
I was REALLY all set for a margarita and you know how you get when your mouth is just ALL SET for something like that and then you can have it? There is also that other reason I wanted a margarita and it’s the little thing about “grog”. DO you fucking know what “grog” is? What it’s fucking made of?
Grog commonly refers to a mixture of plain water and rum, but has also been generically applied to a mixture of water and any strong alcoholic spirit. Stories of it being made from rum and seawater are likely apocryphal, the result of hyperbole about the harsh treatment of sailors in some navies, but given human nature I imagine someone's tried it at some juncture.
Speaking of grog and its effect, as might be expected; the crews of the ships in my fleet really went on a bender that evening after we took Port Royal. Harper, Anne and Mary and I were in a tavern that was really raucous and loud and we all had drank WAY TOO many pints of ale. I was sitting back with my boots up on the table, leaning back in my chair, my parrot Marly on my shoulder, my head swimming as if we were coming around the Cape Horn in a squall! Harper and Anne were singing to me as I could barely contain my laughter.
I look around and the tavern seems strangely crowded. "How did all of these people get in my tavern?" I asked Anne.
"That's your crew, Captain."
"Why do I need a new crew in my rabbit hole?"
“They aren’t new captain, they are all here because we just won a battle” “And you aren’t in a “rabbit hole”!
I respond in a drunken drawl "Battle? What battle?”
Ann whispers into Harper’s ear. “Uh oh, she thinks she’s Alice in Wonderland again”
Harper looks at Anne. “Well fuck that shit!” “You be the Door Mouse this time then!” “I was that little fucker last time!”
Harper leans across the table and whispers in my ear “You know Chelley, we took Port Royal. Captain Oh My Captain”!
“Ah, that battle! Batten down the hatches, mates, it's going to get ugly! “
“Get the port guns ready!”
“Mizzen the mizzen mast!”
Then suddenly, my head gets VERY LIGHT and everything just goes BLACK!!!
Next thing I know I’m in a bed nekkid, waking up and Harper is next to me and is very very nekkid! I turn over on top of her and straddle her on all fours, my face just above hers, my long dark brown hair dangling down along side my soft cheeks, the silken ends teasing Harper’s facial features, her dark brown eyes gazing up and into my own.
I lower my torso down to hers until the nipples of our breasts were almost touching. I begin to instantly feel the sensations in my nipples before they even touch her own. Our nipples so close that tingling sensations almost arc across the tiny space left between the sensitive-skin. The intense tingling sensations increasing as our aroused nipples grow closer and closer, as they hungrily search and strain to touch each other, the sensitive pink tips just barely grazing one another. Finally as the nipples begin almost kissing, becoming more passionate as they press tighter, I feel an almost electric-like jolt run through me so fast and travel like lightning throughout my tall frame! This is the touch that our breasts and our bodies crave so much when we aren’t together, the feel that we desire more and more with each passing day at sea. I could feel Harper lurch at the same time as I do, which only served to arouse me even more as I knew she was feeling the same things, as if our bodies were one.
I leaned my head down closer to hers, lowering my face gradually as I again I saw the lust and desire in her eyes, letting the tip of my nose rub across her own. Teasing it a little as I could see down in her dark twinkling eyes as we both began scrunching our pert noses up while at the same time, feeling the beginnings of smiles starting to form as the ends of our dry parched lips begin to turn up. Our hearts pounding through our bare chests, our breathing rapid, so labored as my body began to sink literally into hers.
I lower my face a bit more and gently part my lips, letting mine dab against hers gently, softly. Letting them part a little more and cover hers as our soft warm lips began to meld together, her creamy luscious lips becoming one with mine as our kiss begins to deepen in a way I could feel all the way down to my toes, feeling it in my clit as it begins to throb and ache. Deep pulsating sensations flowing from deep within my loins start to take control of me. Her body and mine seem to almost shudder in unison as our breasts rub together.
Releasing our kiss and letting my long wet sexy tongue slide down over her chin. Feeling her hands and arms come up and begin to glide up and down my sides…goose bumps forming on the bare skin of my sides as my lower back arches sharply at her sensual touch. My tongue ever so slowly gliding down her soft neck and tasting the perspiration that had formed on her chest in the warm summer night air. Dragging my tongue still further down her body as I slide down her frame on all fours, straddling her hips, taking my time and giving her all my attention as at this moment I cannot get enough of her.
My tongue dragging down through the thin wet sheen of glistening perspiration covering her sternum, then travelling still further down between her full delicious sexy breasts, my soft cheeks feeling her breasts brush against them as I dragged my tongue between her sensual mounds. I move my head to the side, and drag my tongue up along the side of her right breast until I felt her hard erect pink nipple drag across my lips. I part my lips and let my tongue playfully flick over her right nipple like a hummingbird’s wings, back and forth so rapidly. I feel her squirm and writhe a bit more under me, which only served to again heighten my own arousal. I sucked her nipple for a brief moment, then biting it very gently, playfully, the tip of my tongue gliding up and down the stiff hard nipple. My tongue then ever so slowly began gliding around her breast from top to bottom as if I were licking an ice cream cone from its tip (albeit a damn large sexy ice cream cone). Dragging my tongue around the circumference of her breast in a circular fashion until I reached the base, then moving my tongue across and beginning the same, almost circular gliding motion around her left breast until I reached her tingling left nipple, sucking it as she writhed and moaned more and more under my tall frame, moaning out louder as I sucked her nipple, teasing it even more with my tongue.
I reached down so that my hand begins to cover her pussy, pressing the soft lips on either side, flattening them, smoothing them. She tries to guide my hand inside, but I told her no no, not quite yet. Her juices are flowing steadily now, and my fingers become quite slick. I begin to slide my hand up and down, her clitoris becoming more swollen with each sliding stroke. Her breathing had deepened, and she began to tug at her nipples, twisting and pulling
I used my left arm to draw her tightly against me and kissed her deeply. I slipped my index and middle fingers inside her now-boiling sex, just past the bone and behind her clitoris, where her G-spot lay. I caressed it gently but firmly, rubbing it up and down. She starts to twitch. And shake. And then convulse and scream!!
"OHHH GOD FUCK DON’T STOP DON'T STOP FUCK DON'T STOP!!!..."
Her pussy became impossibly wet as she begins to flow, trickling her juices all over my hand, convulsing in ecstasy. It took her several minutes for her to stop shaking, only to start again when I buried my face into her cxnt, lapping up her delicious musk. She shudders and screams as her climax shakes her to her core.
I move back up along her body on all fours, hungry like a predator animal and we again resume our passionate kiss. Our kiss deepening for a moment as our tongues dab at each other over our warm lips, playfully wrestling together in each other’s mouths. The only sounds for the moment being the soft moans flowing over each other’s wanting lips. Our hands searching over each other’s bodies, gliding through the thin wet sheen of perspiration that coats our flat tummies. Almost as if on cue, our hands flow down over each other’s crotch, fingers gliding effortlessly along the wet, warm mushy folds of skin making up our wanting labia. Our searching probing fingers sliding between our sensual lips, beginning to probe, to tease and finally find each others throbbing clits as we writhe together in a moaning, panting heap until we both explode and our warm, wet sticky juices begin to trickle along the insides of our thighs and mixing with that of each other. Our bodies collapse in a tight embrace, our sweat slickened chests heaving against each other as we lay in each other’s arms, ultimately falling asleep in a lover’s embrace.
I wake up sometime later and find her limp, relaxed, smiling. I go to find a cool washcloth, but by the time I returned she was snoring, deep in the slumber that follows total release.
I get up out of bed and pace, my thoughts on what we do next. My ultimate goal is Port Bello but right now we control the Caribbean and the sky’s the limit for my crew and I.
TO BE CONTINUED
-
I love this stuff. It's dark humor and very deep :D
-
Mmm, an amusingly sexy tale! ;D :D Where do I sign up? ::)
-
20 More reasons Why Pirates RULE and Ninja's DROOL!
1. Pirates have cool hats while Ninja's wear pajamas, nuff said!
2. Pirates sing catchy songs, ninjas are mutes. Pirates are often become rock stars (See the Rolling Stones and Keith Richard).
3. Pirates use teamwork and make better employees, Ninjas can't work well in a team environment and are bad for office morale. Pirates advance into management faster than ninja's. Ninja's are loners and often suffer from depression.
4. Pirates talk funny, thereby lifting people's spirits. Ninja's are mutes (see #2).
5. Pirates have boats, ninjas don't. Ninja's can't swim, as they sink really fast in those pajamas and carrying those stupid metal throwing star thingies.. The ninjas get scared on a rubber raft in a wading pool!
6. Pirates fight dirty. It is our way and makes us awesome and like so scary. Ninja's try that martial arts shit, a Pirate just pulls a pistol out and puts a cap in a Ninja's ass!
7. Pirates have better technology. Yes we do. We invented cool weapons, like chain shot ( 2 cannonballs tied together by a chain). We also use multi-barrel pistols. We even have a rifle called a blunderbuss!! How cool is that shit?
8. Pirates are better with animals. have you ever seen my dog Carly? Nuff said! We got fucking parrots too and they can TALK!! Ninja's can't even talk coz they're MUTES! (See #2)
9. Pirates have better knowledge of the world. There are Pirates even over in freaking Somalia although we regular Pirates kinda reject them as "tards". Plus, the Navy Seals kicked their ass and that would never happen to real Pirates. Pirates are experts at geography and always make "A's" and set the curve in class.
10. Pirates are much more known. Yeah! Like Blackbird, Captain Kidd, Dread Pirate Michelle. Name me one fucking Ninja! Nuff said!
11. A successful pirate makes much more money than a ninja. Damn right we do. Many of the more successful pirates went to Harvard and Stanford and often become CEO's. Ever hear the phrase, "A Pirate of Industry"? You never hear "Ninja of Industry".
12. Pirates are nicer. We can be sooper nice. Instead of just killing our enemies instantly, we do cool shit like make them walk the plank so we can tease them or we tie them to the bow of the ship next to that big wooden statue of the girl with the great tits.
13. Pirates are more clever. This is so obvious. We Pirates made the Spanish look like a bunch of dumb shits and they were supposed to be so tough! Buncha pussies! We beat the most powerful country in the world at that time! HA!
14. Pirates are much more powerful in modern age. Pirates could like take over a whole country if we wanted. Like Costa Rica or Romania. Pirates are readily adaptable to new technology. We even understand that Ubuntu Linux shit. Ninja's are still stuck in Windows XP.
15. It's always "Pirates vs Ninjas" Not "Ninjas Vs Pirates" DUH! That's just science!
16. Pirates are more intimidating. Fucking A! We have like eye patches and make scary noises like ARRR!
17. Pirates are more adapted to the sea. Ninja's can't swim in those stupid pajamas (See #5)
18. Pirates sleep with one eye open, so ninjas stealth attempts are futile. You cannot sneak up on a Pirate, even in black pajamas and crappy unstylish sandals. A Pirate will always wake up.
19. Pirates can see well in light or darkness with an eye patch. Its a little known fact that pirates have x-ray vision because of generations of wearing eye patches. Their vision just became better developed. Suck on that Superman!
20. It's funner to be a pirate than a ninja. Just so obvious!
-
10. Pirates are much more known. Yeah! Like Blackbird, Captaim Kidd, Dread Pirate Michelle. Name me one fucking Ninja! Nuff said!
Do Ninja Turtles count?
Hilariously sexy stuff!
-
In my List of "Why Pirates are Way Better than Ninja Fuckers" I said something about the uselessness of the metal star thingies by Ninjas, I have received some notes to the contrary telling me I am crazy and must have been drinking too much grog. To be technically correct, a shuriken is Japanese for "sword hidden in one's hand". The points I was trying to make can be summarized as follows in what I consider to be a deep fucking technical discussion that should end the debate effectively on the effectiveness of metal star thingies (I refuse to refer to them as "Shuriken" as to do so would in my opinion give tacit approval on my part to those little black pajama wearing fuckers).
basically, aren't shuriken for distraction, not kills? "Realistically," we'd be talking cutlasses versus farm sickles. I think the pirates would have the advantage.
While they are perfectly capable of being lethal implements, especially over the long term the shuriken is, in the near term, no better than a small knife at causing a wound. As such, there are few ways in which even a well thrown shiruken will result in a quick kill (though, it may be capable of piercing the head, which is a difficult target for any weapon). Pistols on the other hand, while having a much longer reload time are fully capable of killing or incapacitating in a single shot. Having been stabbed before, I can attest to the fact that a stab to a limb, while painful, probably won't prevent the use of a limb. Conversely, a gun shot that shatters bones and removes enormous hunks of flesh are far more effective at rapidly crippling a target.
In short, there is a REASON why the firearm became the staple weapon of the world. It took quite awhile before a skilled marksman could reasonably fire more shots in a minute than a skilled archer, but the fantastically increased lethality of the weapon (and it's relative ease of use) catapulted the firearm to the forefront of weapon technology. Yes, the shiruken can deliver more attacks over a given span of time, but the pistol will, in all likelyhood, only require one shot to do it's job. The shiruken, even if poisoned, will likely take many attacks to incapacitate the target significantly.
Besides, a flintlock pistol is pretty damn cool, and the double barrel pistol is beyond awesome.
In short, those metal star thingies SUCK!
Pirates once again RULE!...Ninjas DROOL!
-
Back by Popular Demand......Chaprter 4 of Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main - Dread Pirate Michelle and her Band of Misfits Take Portobello!
"Action!...Adventure!.....Fights!....Drinking!....Sex!....More Sex!....Its RIveting!" - New York Times
"Dis Shit is Great!" - Oprah's Book Club
To be released later today (God i sure hope so!)
And remember the old pirate adages...
"Drinking Rum Before Noon makes You A Pirate!.....Not A Fucking Alcoholic!"
"When Was The Last Time You Saw A Ninja With Wenches?"
Pirates RULE!....Ninjas DROOL!
PS - there will be a Chapter 5....Deal with it!
-
when will Captain Blood appear?
-
Wow! Super fun story! And I have ALWAYS said that pirates rock, even before those Disney movies!
-
The following is Chapter 4 of my continuing pirate series - The Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main, Adventures of Captain Michelle and her Crew. This is part 1 of 3 parts entitled "Battle at Sea - Southern Cross vs Trinidad". As always any feedback is welcomed and appreciated. The names have been changed along with dates to protect the innocent and those still in witness protection. Thanks again for all the support I have received. And here we go!!
Chapter 4 – The Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main - Attack on Portobello – Part 1, Battle at Sea – Southern Cross vs Trinidad
The pirates of New Providence Island, Nassau, Bahamas threaten maritime trade in the region.
The laws of almost every civilized nation declare them “hostis humani generis”
“Enemies of All Mankind”
In response, the pirates adhere to a doctrine of their own.
“War Against the World”
The scene: The Southern Caribbean. The Dread Pirate Michelle and her flagship, the 44-gun frigate ”Southern Cross”, have just begun an engagement off Tortuga with the 68-gun Spanish frigate “Trinidad”. The Southern Cross is outgunned almost 1.5 to 1 in terms of men and guns so speed and surprise are essential. Chief gunnery officer Sarah Price has the main mast in her sites as the Southern Cross has emerged from a fog back and surprised the Trinidad!! As Southern Cross neared Trinidad, Captain Michelle held her fire, waiting until the ships were only 50 yards apart.
As Southern Cross closed to a distance of almost 50 yards on the Trinidad’s weather quarter, Michelle shouted to the helmsman: “Luff her!” and the Southern Cross immediately threw her head into the wind and ranged up abeam of her enemy. The crew of the Trinidad could hear the order given on the pirate ship, and they were ready at the starboard guns. The actual action between the ships did not commence with a single dramatic broadside on either side, but with the deep concussive thuds of the great guns keying in individually, as each came to bear on its target, accompanied by the high-pitched crackle of the muskets and swivel guns. After the first few seconds, there was only a wall of sound: a continuous, earsplitting roar. Michelle held off giving the order to Sarah to fire the first broadside and rake the main deck as she tested her nerve and the nerves of her crew!
The waiting game continued as one by one, the Trinidad’s guns came to bear on the Southern Cross. Then suddenly, the Trinidad’s 18-pounders began to open fire! A ball crashed through a gun port and dismounted a long gun, sending a shock through the Southern Cross’s deck that was strong enough to throw a man off his feet. First Lieutenant Harper Morgan asked: “Shall we return the fire?” But Captain Michelle intended to open with a single, concentrated broadside at close range— one that would give full effect to the Southern Cross’s superior weight of metal— and she told Harper to wait. Captain Michelle continues screaming out orders as her other subordinates; Mary Read and Anne Bonney are lining up guns on other decks! Chief gunnery officer Sarah has the main mast in her sites as the Southern Cross moves closer to being in position!
Slowly Southern Cross moved in position and Michelle suddenly SCREAMED OUT THE ORDER TO FIRE!! The ship then fired a double-shotted broadside at pistol-shot range!!! It was, Michelle reported, “a very heavy fire from all of our guns, loaded with round, and grape, which did great in their execution.” The shock of the broadside sent tremors through the Southern Cross, so that the entire ship “shook from stem to stern!!! Every spar and yard in her was trembling.” it was as gross a mismatch as Godzilla ravaging Tokyo with its fiery breath! Immediately after the guns were fired, the Southern Cross’s gun crews gave a triple cheer that was heard on the deck of the Trinidad. As the wind tore away the curtain of smoke, it was obvious that the first broadside had done its work. The Trinidad’s mizzenmast had ruptured a few feet above the main deck, and was crashing into the sea over the starboard quarter. Her main yard had been shot away, taking the sail with it. This wreckage of spars and rigging was hanging in great confusion over her sides, and dashing against her on the waves. Her crew was frantically trying to clear the debris while at the same time try and maintain a semblance of fire at the Southern Cross!! The effect of the Southern Cross’s first broadside, as Michelle wrote in her diary, was like a tremendous explosion… as if Heaven and Earth had struck together,” causing the Trinidad to “reel and tremble as though she had received the shock of an earthquake.”
The Trinidad’s gunfire fell off noticeably, as many of her gun crews had been ravaged by the multiple broadsides!! On the Southern Cross, the only damage suffered was in her rigging. Two fore royal halyards were shot away, bringing down one of the pirate ensigns. Anne picked up the flag, climbed the rigging, and secured it to the topmast to the rousing cheer of the crew! Several of the long boats, lashed upside down on the spar deck, were beaten to splinters. But the Southern Cross’s heavy planks and live oak frame provided good protection to the men who kept their heads down. The pirate crew gave another triple cheer that was heard loudly as it cut through the rancid sulfur smell and the darkness that had seemingly enveloped both ships due to the heavy black smoke!!
Michelle stood up on the quarterdeck with Harper and handed her the telescope and smiled “I love the smell of black powder in the morning!” “It smells like…..like......
"It smells like....GOD AWFUL SHEEEIT!!” “YUCK!” “MUTHAFUCCA!” Michelle turns to Harper and scrunches her nose up, frowning and making the god awfullest face! “Someone turn on a fucking fan for God’s sake!!!”
Harper looks at her vaunted captain and just shakes her head, laughing.
We then hear Captain Michelle barking orders down to Sarah!!
“SARAH!!!” “FIRE AND TAKE OUT THAT MAIN MAST AND SAIL!!!”...”NOW!! NOW I SAID!!!”
Suddenly the guns of the Southern Cross roared again as flame shot from each gun’s muzzle during the furious broadside! Chain shot ripped through the railing and sides of the main deck of the Trinidad as wood and splinters flew in all directions as the Spaniards dove for cover! The guns bellowed with a noise that was like some awfully tremendous thunderstorm, whose deafening roar is attended by incessant streaks of lightning. It discharged enormous billowing clouds of white, acrid smoke that choked you and made it difficult to breathe.
The Southern Cross's guns discharged and recoiled with a force that would kill a man or woman who was caught in its way. As the gun came to rest at the end of its breeching, the gun crew— as many as six or eight women to a weapon— began a rapid and precisely timed series of movements to reload and fire again. The tropical climate and lack of ventilation below deck combined with the heat around those guns make it stifling and unbearable. The gun crews went about their topless because of the intense heat as perspiration streamed down their soot stained bare chests and backs, their skin glistening with a coating of perspiration. Large droplets collecting on hard erect pink nipples as firm supple breasts heaved, sinewy torsos struggling to breathe in the rancid, smoke-filled air! And let me tell you, that only ADDED to the heat being generated! After discharge, the long white hot borehole was sponged out with a swab (you can see where I’m going with this I bet!); the gunpowder, bound in a cloth cartridge, rammed down into the muzzle with a rammer; a wad was rammed in on top of the powder; and then the cannon ball and another wad were rammed down on top of that. (Gawd I love ramming!) The two women using the rammer grunting and groaning as they strained to THRUST the long hard rod down the muzzle!! The cloth of the cartridge was pierced and some priming powder poured into the “touch hole”.
Let me repeat this part because it bears repeating: The cloth of the “cartridge” was “pierced” (I’d love to see that piercing and nipple) and some priming powder poured into the “touch hole” (OH YES YES GAWD! Nothing like a white-hot touch hole to really let that discharge flow and ultimately explode!)
The gun crew ran the monstrous weapon out through its port by heaving in unison on the gun tackle, their sinewy muscles in their backs, shoulder and arms straining and flexing, their definition was magnified through the thin wet sheen of perspiration coating their soft sensual skin. Sarah, the captain of the gun, would adjust her aim and gave the order to fire. A match was touched to the primer (OH GOD MY CLIT!!!) and the gun roared, recoiled, and the process began again. Now I you tell me that doesn’t turn you on and isn’t the most SENSUAL thing you have read, something is TERRIBLY wrong with you.
We see the Trinidad’s main mast begin to wobble, as the gunner’s accuracy was spot on! Finally the creaking mast begins to tumble to the main deck below and off the edge of the ship with a deafening crash in a tangled heap of wood, rope and sail! Fifteen minutes after the first pirate broadside had hit home, the Trinidad’s main topmast “went by the cap”— that is to say, it broke near the point where the topmast was joined to the lower mast. It fell forward, into the foretopmast, and both came down together, Spanish ship’s remaining rigging hung uselessly from the shreds of her lower masts. She would no longer answer her helm. SHE WAS DOOMED!
The two ships exchanged broadsides for nearly 20 minutes until Southern Cross closed on Trinidad's starboard beam and toppled the Spanish ship's mizzenmast. Turning sharply, Southern Cross was able to rake Trinidad again, sweeping its decks with fire and shot!!
Captain Michelle herself commanded the guns in the above-deck(s) of the Southern Cross, which were armed with “carronades”, named for the town of Carron, Scotland, where they were first cast. The carronade was a kind of snub-nose cannon, shorter and lighter than the long gun. Because it was lighter, it could be carried high above the waterline and fired and reloaded more rapidly. The carronade was not effective at long range, but in the close action favored by the Captain Michelle and her captains it was DEADLY! The Spanish, who bore the brunt of their immense destructive power, called them “devil guns.”
Michelle learned her trade in the British Navy as head of a gun crew and she was very much at home guiding the fire from the cannonades. The largest carronades were bored for enormous 68-pound balls that required 5.5-pound cartridges of gunpowder to fire. But they were most pernicious when loaded with shrapnel-like types of ammunition such as grape or canister shot. Grape shot were fist-sized iron balls bound in canvas bags that blew apart when fired. Canister shot were cylindrical cases containing pistol balls that became a kind of airborne Claymore mine as they were fired. There was also chain shot and bar shot, both designed to cut up the enemy’s rigging, but both equally capable of cutting a man in half. Before being fired, they were sometimes heated in the galley fires until they glowed bright orange. In the tops, the platforms positioned high on the masts, the “marines” rained fire down onto the enemy decks with their smooth-bored rifles and muskets. Their objective was to kill the officers— to break down the command structure and send their crews into confusion. If a ship did not surrender after being battered by the British long guns, carronades, and snipers, the officers gave the order to “board and carry her.” A swarm of crew women, often with their faces blackened with soot or painted like wild Indians to horrify the enemy, stood crouched behind the ship’s railing, ready to leap across to the enemy deck armed with cutlasses, boarding pikes, axes, swords, and pistols, and slaughtered any man who dared to resist.
As the fighting continued, the two ships collided three times and the Spanish attempted two times to board Southern Cross but all attempts to board were beaten off by determined musket fire from Michelle’s marine detachment led by her exec officer and quartermaster, Harper Morgan. As Captain Michelle so often says, the best thing about being Captain of the Southern Cross is having Harper as an exec. To quote her
“I love that woman! I love her more than sharks love blood!”
The Trinidad’s fire began to fall off noticeably, as the furious fire from the Southern Cross had ravaged many of her gun crews. On the Southern Cross, the only damage suffered was in her rigging. Two fore royal halyards were shot away, bringing down one of the pirate ensigns. Annie picked up the flag, climbed the rigging, and secured it to the topmast, all to a rousing cheer from the crew below! Several of the long boats, lashed upside down on the spar deck, were beaten to splinters. But the Southern Cross’s heavy planks, copper inlay and live oak frame provided good protection to the women who kept their heads down. As one of Trinidad’s 18-pounder balls bounced harmlessly back into the sea off the stiff hull, a member of the Southern Cross’s crew exclaimed: “Her crotch is made of iron!” The remark was later widely reported in the press, and the nickname stuck: “Old Iron Pussy.”
During the third collision, Southern Cross became fouled in Trinidad's bowsprit. As the pirates were picking off sharpshooters from up in the rigging to take the pressure off their gunners, Harper looked over at Michelle as musket balls were whizzing by our heads and splintering wood all around us, balls ricocheting around the wooden deck!! Harper looked over at Michelle and said,
“Keep your head low Captain, we're in the same boat now!”
As the daring Captain raised up quickly and picked off another Spanish sharpshooter up in the rigging with her pistol, she looked over at Harper and winked, saying,
“Then take care not to tip it over, I can only save one of us BEOTCH!”
Harper laughed and finished loading the flintlocks she held in each hand as another broadside shook the ship,
“Well Chelley, the way I figure it, we can either fight or give. If we give, we go to a Spanish dungeon!!”
Michelle shook her head and murmured, “I've been there already!!”
Harper chuckled “We could fight ... they'll stay right where they are and starve us out, blow us to pieces” “Might even get a fire started, get us that way. What else can they do?”
Michelle looks at Harper, “They could surrender to us, but I wouldn't count on that yet!”
Harper answered, “Captain, think we’ve finally got the table set to try and board the fucker?”
Michelle answered “Harper, if you don't like how the table is set, turn the motherfucking table over or follow me cause HERE WE GO!!”
As the two ships pulled apart, the bowsprit suddenly SNAPPED, jarring the rigging and causing Trinidad’s fore and main masts to go over the side with a loud crash!! At that moment, Harper signaled her second detachment of marines to open fire and they rose up from their positions and raked the deck of the Trinidad, as the Spaniards were about to make another boarding attempt! The withering fire cut them to pieces and drove back what turned out to be their last attempt at boarding!
The Captain gave the signal for her boarders to make their move as dozens of grappling hooks sailed overhead towards the Spanish vessel, the hooks clanging against the Trinidad’s wooden deck, dragging and then hooking against the side and railing as the large ropes strained against the weight of the large drifting ships!! Michelle and her trusted lieutenants, Anne and Harper swung over on ropes to the deck of the Trinidad. A grenade lobbed from the Southern Cross—by some reports, thrown by Captain Michelle herself— landed in an open chest of musket cartridges, which blew up and enveloped the quarterdeck in a cloud of thick, white, billowing smoke. A party of boarders, armed with pikes, pistols, and cutlasses, had collected on the Southern Cross’s gangway. Michelle shouted, “Follow me, who can!” and climbed over the hammock nettings; she on a rope across to the roof of the Trinidad’s quarter gallery, drew her cutlass and pistol, and dropped to the quarterdeck. She was the first of the Southern Cross’s crew to board, followed close behind by Harper and about seventy-five others. The screaming bloodthirsty pirate boarders came over screaming like Banshees! It was a rash action—there were two hundred and fifty defenders aboard and they were willing to fight. Again Michelle and her women stabbed, slashed, and hacked their way across the enemy’s deck. The cries of the wounded and dying cutting through the stench of gunpowder!
The Trinidad’s chaplain fired a pistol at Michelle from close range, but missed. Michelle slashed at him, gouging a deep wound in the clergyman’s arm, and charged forward along the gangway, slashing and hacking at the few seamen and marines she met, her crew following close behind. The pirates drove the remaining defenders forward into the forecastle. With few officers to rally them, most of the Spaniards succumbed to panic, crowding down the forward hatch or vaulting over the rail and through the bridle ports to the relative safety of the gun deck.
Not long after boarding the Trinidad, Michelle found herself exchanging blows with the ship’s female exec officer; their swords clanged back and forth as Michelle drove the Spanish officer backwards on her heels, thrusting her cutlass hard at her mid-section, forcing the Spaniard to parry and fall back with each thrust as she couldn’t keep her balance, falling back against the railing. Then her (Michelle’s) cutlass broke just above the cross-guard, leaving her defenseless. The two women lunged at each other and grappled, falling to the deck, slamming punches into each other’s faces as their breasts rubbed together thru their cotton tops, aroused nipples poking into the firm flesh of their pert breasts, their tall frames sprawling across the gunwale, legs thrashing and kicking!! Michelle was momentarily stunned and the Spaniard got to her knees and drew a yataghan—a long, curved Turkish knife — and was on the verge of plunging it into Michelle’s exposed chest when Michelle found her pistol under her, picked it up and fired it into her antagonist’s side, mortally wounding her. Five more Spanish sailors were advancing on the still-prone Michelle and were about to cut her to pieces when she raised her other pistol and shot one sailor, flame and black smoke shooting from the muzzle of the pistol as the impact of the ball stopped the sailor in his tracks, a growing red blotch appearing on his chest! Harper and Anne rushed into the fray, each armed with a tomahawk and cutlass. Harper ran through one Spaniard with her cutlass and finished another with a tomahawk chop to the head! Anne stood facing the remaining two Spaniards; both with swords raised, looked at them, then dropped her sword and tomahawk and quickly drew two pistols from her belt and shot them both dead. She looked at Captain Michelle and just shrugged her shoulders.
“Efficiency Captain!!” “EFFICIENCY!!”
The fight was over quickly as Michelle’s crew made quick work of the Spanish! Once again the ratio of killed to wounded defenders was a measure of the savagery of the combat. Eighty-eight Spaniards lay dead. Less than a dozen wounded. The pirate losses were 8 dead and a dozen wounded in what could only be called a resounding victory!! The resistance the pirates met would have been much fiercer but the withering musket fire and almost continuous broadsides had taken much of the fight out of the Spanish. It was the most ferocious and bloody engagement the Southern Cross had ever fought. In thirty minutes, the boarders had possession of the Trinidad. Unable to maneuver and casualties taking half his crew, the Spanish captain, who had been wounded in the fighting, convened his officers and decided to strike Trinidad's colors to prevent a further loss of life. After assessing the condition of Trinidad, Michelle and her officers decided that the vessel would need a few repairs before taking her back to port.
Before we started back out in the Southern Cross, I addressed the crew after the battle, “I want you all to know how PROUD I am of you!” “We just defeated and took as a prize the largest most powerful ship in the Spanish fleet!!”
“We were OUT GUNNED and they had TWICE our numbers and we STILL WON THE DAY!!!”
“From this moment on, you are a ROCK!” “You absorb NOTHING, you say NOTHING, and NOTHING BREAKS YOU!!” “YOU ARE IMMORTAL!”
“YOU BITCHES JUST FUCKING ROCK!!!!”
(I’d like to thank Alexander the Great for providing me with the basis for that speech. He was a true Momma’s Boy but great with the motivational speech shit)
The capture of Trinidad provided an early boost to pirate moral in the Caribbean and was the first in a series of ship-to-ship victories for the young fleet of Captain Michelle. As a result of these victories and the superiority of the pirate’s heavy frigates, the Spanish forbade its commanders from engaging their ships in single-ship combat. It was also the final engagement for Michelle’s flagship before it embarked on their Portobello experience.
The pirates surmised they needed to proceed to Port Royal to make needed repairs before beginning their Portobello adventure so they set sail with the Trinidad in tow.
Portobello - The Prize Is In Sight
Portobello, a port city in Colón Province in modern-day Panama, was the third most important Spanish city in the New World, making it an obvious choice for the buccaneers. Furthermore, Porto Bello was considered the center of Spanish trade in the Americas, as its warehouses contained the goods and valuables of many wealthy merchants. With its enormous concentration of wealth, Portobello was extremely well protected by three Spanish forts. It is located on the northern part of the Isthmus of Panama and has a deep natural harbor, making it an ideal place for ships to dock and hide in the Caribbean.
Spain was intermittently at war with France and England at in the late 18th century, and privateers like Captain Michelle had carte blanche to attack Spanish ports and shipping. In the 1790's, Michelle had made a name for herself by attacking the Spanish up and down Central America.
Portobello was a sleepy little town on the so-called "Spanish Main," which referred to the northeastern part of South America and Panama. Usually it’s not what would be considered a hub of commerce and entertainment, as the primary purpose of the town was to serve as a shipping point for Spanish gold from Peru. Every year or two, gold, silver and other treasures would be sent down from Peru to the west coast of South America, where it was sent to Panama City. Pack mules then carried the treasures overland to Portobello, where it was loaded onto a massive, heavily armed treasure fleet to be shipped back to Spain.
Now here is what has always bugged the living shit out of me. Why did they send that gold and silver down by pack mule? I mean, why not a caravan of those new Range Rover Sports? Have you seen that car? Holy shit!! More excitement, more individuality, more luxury!! (Yes I sound like a commercial, SO WHAT?)
That’s the 2014 Range Rover Sport. Go see your friendly neighborhood Land Rover dealer today and test drive one!! It’s Land Rover…”Above and Beyond!”
(That was what is called “a word from my sponsor”. Someone has to pay the fucking bills when I’m writing this Pulitzer Prize winning shit!)
Portobello had only one economic function, to provide a safe harbor for the Spanish treasure fleet. When that fleet was in, the place was a hive of activity for four or five weeks as the galleons were unloaded and their cargoes of European luxuries were sold to the merchants of Panamá and Peru, who arranged for their carriage by mule-train and river boat across the isthmus. In return came the produce and treasure of the New World: hides, drugs and dyes but, above all, silver— silver in coin, silver in bars, millions and millions of pesos of silver stacked up in warehouses, in counting-houses, even in the public squares of the city, ready to be laden on the galleons for the long and dangerous return voyage to Spain.
When the fleet was in there might be twenty or twenty-five million pesos of treasure in the town, twice the total revenue of the King of England, and a transient population of some ten thousand sailors, soldiers, merchants, shopkeepers and slaves to guard it. Every house and shack would be bursting at the seams, rents were astronomical and a vast tented camp surrounded the city for those who could not afford a roof over their head. The fairs of Portobello were a very jolly, busy, moneymaking time for those who managed to stay alive.
During these times, Portobello was bustling and exploding with activity and became the home and haven to every pirate that sailed the open seas. It was rapidly gaining a reputation as the home away from home to every lawbreaker and criminal in the world.
A Privateer was an armed ship that sailed under papers to a government or a company to perform specific tasks. The women who sailed on a privateer were also called privateers. The papers were usually referred to as a Marque of Letters. Some times these letters would give the captain rights to act in the behalf of a certain company or government to commit acts of reprisal, escort merchants, or protect coastal areas or property. Often the limits of the Marque were vague, leaving it up to the captain and crew to determine what they could take or attack. Sometimes the privateers ignored the Marque and just did what they bloody well pleased. Captain Michelle was one of those privateers. She sailed under Letters from the King of France but pretty much attacked any ship she wanted to, with obvious emphasis on the Spanish. Her boldness did lead to renewed Spanish attacks on French and English ships and ports in the Caribbean, which in turn led to Michelle's further increased attacks on the Spanish treasure ships from South America. It was just a vicious cycle perpetuated by the pirates and the chaos often left them in control.
Captain Michelle was originally from Scotland, legend has, it but so much of her past is unknown. She came the Caribbean in the late 1780's. She was an able seaman and leader who quickly found work on privateer vessels and selectively attacking enemy shipping of any enemy nation. She earned much of her early reputation as a member of a gunnery crew and ultimately chief gunnery officer under Sir Henry Morgan. She ultimately became captain of her own ship and crew.
Captain Michelle followed the tenets of Lord Horatio Nelson of the British Royal Navy closely when it came to tactics and strategy. Michelle’s approach to war at sea was simple, effective, and brutal. She had little regard for clever maneuvering, and no patience for complicated battle tactics. She thought it a waste of time to try to out sail an opponent in the hope of winning an advantageous position, and she thought it a waste of ammunition to fire at an enemy from long range. Michelle chose to take her ships directly and quickly into close-range action, where they would pulverize the enemy with broadside after broadside from her main weapon, the “great guns” or heavy cannon. Her notion of how a naval action should be fought, was to fight the enemy “yardarm to yardarm,” to position his ships parallel to those of the enemy— so close that their hulls were literally touching—and to order her gun crews to fire and reload and fire again as quickly as they possibly could
Michelle’s crews were happy to trade blows at point-blank range, to fight “ball for ball” (I know what’s going through your mind so don’t even THINK about going there!) because their gunnery was superior to that of their enemies. The potency (am I good with the sexual innuendo or what?) of “Pirate” gunnery owed nothing to the weapons themselves, for the English, French and Spanish ships were armed in much the same way. Nor was it the “aim” of the pirate gun crews (God there I go again, I just can’t stop myself!), for even when their aim was superior it was rarely decisive. The SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT factor was the RATE OF FIRE (Its just like I always say, it’s not the size that counts, it’s how often you use it!). A pirate warship from Captain Michelle’s fleet would fire three broadsides to every two fired by an enemy ship— if that enemy ship was particularly well manned, well led, well practiced and well “hung”. More often, the pirates could get off two or three broadsides to the enemy’s one. It was this emphasis on training and skill that made Michelle’s Sexy Sluts the most feared on the seas. Nothing frankly beats a “Multi”, as Michelle always preaches to her crews.
Michelle’s crews owed its advantage in gunnery to its commitment to intensive training. The gun crews drilled and drilled endlessly as their officers timed them with stopwatches and corrected their mistakes. Crew was pitted against crew in competition. Wagers were placed. Rewards were offered: double rum rations or light duty assignments, boob massages and back rubs. The women strove to improve and took pride in perfecting their “skills”. Practice and team spirit (threesomes, seriously, really) transformed the pirate gun crews into well-oiled fighting machines. When pirate and Spanish warships met in battle, the Spanish ships commonly suffered much greater casualties, even when the ships were evenly matched.
Before every engagement, With her exec/quartermaster, Harper Morgan, at her side, she would circulate among the gun crews, inspecting their preparations, and ordered canister and bar shot loaded on top of the round and grape. In a custom borrowed from the Royal Navy, each of the Southern Cross’s great guns had been given a name, painted in large white letters above the gun ports: “Willful Murder”, “Roll Tide”, “Blow Me”, “Michelle Spreads Her Legs”, “Charlie Brown”, “Live Free or Fuck”, “Bend Over Baby”, “Painful Rectal Itch”, “Suck On It”, “Eat Shit and Die”, “Yo Momma”, “Accidental Death and Dismemberment”, 'Collateral Damage Is For Pussies", “Old Yeller” (Old Yeller? Oh come on! That’s just wrong on so many levels!!)
Captain Michelle and Harper would go from gun grew to gun crew and pour ale for every crew member at those times, talk to them and try to calm their nerves. The loyalty her crew feels for her is well founded and most vowed they would follow her to Hell if necessary. Her crew referred to her often as “The Daughter of Satan” and it was a term of endearment.
Captain Michelle further earned a name for herself in the early 1790's by attacking and sacking several towns along the coast of Central America. She was very successful and by 1797, the King of Spain charged her with capturing Spanish treasure ships and taking the crew prisoners. Michelle, along with 500 fellow privateers and buccaneers and some French allies, captured Puerto Principe (Cuba), taking several hundred prisoners and sacking the town. They then sailed into Kingston Bay and in a daring night attacked surprised and took the fort and city of Port Royal. Port Royal belonged to the crews of the privateer ships. It was no place for the squeamish. Respectable citizens counted up their profits and pretended not to notice as the town earned its reputation as the Sodom of the New World. Such a reputation was a small price to pay for the riches of the Spanish Main, riches that soon changed hands.
Those exploits made Captain Michelle and her pirates the most wanted criminals on the high seas and that apparently was just how she liked it. Michelle and her ruthless captains, Harper, Mary and Anne decided that while they were at sea in force, they should capture another city and go for the Whole Enchilada. It was decided to attack the Spanish treasure city itself, Portobello!!
This is the story, in her own words, of that daring raid by our intrepid Dread Pirate, Captain Michelle and her ruthless crew!
End of Ch 4 Part 1
© 2014 by Michelle/Southern Cross Enterprises. All rights reserved.
-
The following is Part 2 of Chapter 4 of my continuing pirate series - The Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main, Adventures of Captain Michelle and her Crew. This is part 2 of 3 parts entitled "Portobello Preparations". Chapter 4 Part 1 is posted just ahead of this posting so please check it out. As always any feedback is welcomed and appreciated. The names have been changed along with dates to protect the innocent (and possibly the guilty) and as always, those still in witness protection. Thanks again for all the support I have received. And so here we go!!
The Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main, Adventures of Captain Michelle and her Crew
Chapter 4 Part 2 - Portobello Preparations
I stood out on the bow of my flagship, the “Southern Cross”, as we were once again underway, headed toward Portobello and destiny. The ship rocked back and forth as waves crashed against the sides of the ship in the rough open seas. The seas were starting to calm as we approached Portobello and we were pretty much at about the “point of no return”. I was pacing the deck back and forth, looking out overt the ship and crew, wondering how many of us weren’t going to come back from this adventure. So many times I have led these women into battle and so many times we’ve succeeded. So many times they have bled for me and again and again I ask for more. I often wonder if I ask too much. Our gun crews had done drill after drill, everyone was ready and knew her job. Our marines, sharpshooters, everyone was ready and in spite of my trepidation, I knew it. I drew my sword from its scabbard and extended it out over the bow straight in front of me. My eyes looked down the blade and my hand trembled a little, something it had never done before. I quickly sheathed the sword, not wanting anyone to see the doubt and the fear I was feeling. My resolve could not be questioned at this point. Besides, it was nothing a little of that 25-year-old Japanese Scotch wouldn’t calm. have you tried that stuff? God it puts that so called "Scot" Scotch to shame. Grab some of that 18 year-old Yamazaki Single Malt when you get a chance, you won't be disappointed!
I wasn’t stupid enough to kid myself into thinking we could be as lucky in taking Portobello as we had been when we took Port Royal. At Portobello, three forts were situated around the bay guarding the approach to the city. These forts were well armed and manned (or so we thought). Still, the riches at Portobello made the risk one worth taking and we were determined to take it! Besides, I had a plan and no one works up a plan better than me. No one loves it more when a plan comes together than me!
Portobello – Sin City and Sodom of the Caribbean and Playground for Pirates!
The “great age of piracy” (1500-1825) especially marks the strain between England and Spain; for English pirates most eagerly preyed on Spanish ships, which had long dominated the Caribbean waters.
In the middle of the 17th century, Spain still possessed the greatest empire in the world. “New Spain” included the entire coast of the Gulf of Mexico, all of the territory that is now Florida to California; Mexico and all of Central America; the islands of Cuba, Puerto Rico and Hispaniola; and all of South America with the exception of Portuguese-owned Brazil. Furthermore, the Spaniards had seemingly ended up with all the territory producing gold and silver. For more than a century they had been shipping it home by the proverbial “shitload” (in the vernacular of the times it was called a “galleon-load”). I had determined the Spanish, whom I detested with a passion, were a bunch of over indulgent pigs that had more than there share and it was MY turn now. I owed it to my good friends the Spanish to relieve them of their gold and remove the many temptations that such abundant wealth presented.
Portobello was still a growing city and was rapidly becoming commercialized and that troubled me. You know what I’m talking about. Think about Cancun and how that used to be a great place to take a vacation and now its fucking “Vegas on the Gulf”. Doesn’t that just CHAP YOUR ASS? I mean what in the Wide Wide World of FUCK is going on?? What is going to be the next shoe to drop? COZUMEL???? Holy FUCK!! NOT COZUMEL!! COZUMEL IS AWESOME! MUTHAFUCKA!!!
My God do you know how many times me and Harper, Anne and Mary got WASTED at “SENOR FROGS” in Cozumel??? I mean blind, shit-faced “I’ll barf all over you” DRUNK!!! Love that fucking place!! Best margaritas in the Caribbean and the Gulf, BAR NONE!
And WOW! They have these GREAT CHICKEN AND CHEESE NACHOS!! FUCK!!! THREE DIFFERENT CHEESES, JALEPENOS, SOUR CREAM!! They had the best selection of Cuban cigars in the Bay area, even those hard to find Arteuro Fuente Maduros! Cozumel even has a freaking “HARD ROCK CAFE!! Can you believe it? I’ve got the tee short to prove it!
Anyway, I got sidetracked! Back to the Portobello Plan!!
Every year, gold, silver and other treasures would be sent down from Peru to the west coast of South America, where it was sent to Panama City. Then carried by mules overland to Portobello, where it was loaded onto a massive, heavily armed treasure fleet to be shipped back to Spain. Now here is what has always bugged the living shit out of me. Why did they send that gold and silver down by pack mule? I mean, why not a caravan of those new Range Rover Sports? Have you seen that car? Holy shit!! More excitement, more individuality, more luxury!!
(Yes I sound like a commercial, SO WHAT?)
That’s the 2014 Range Rover Sport. Go see your friendly neighborhood Land Rover dealer today and test drive one!! It’s Land Rover…”Above and Beyond!”
(That was what is called “a word from my sponsor”. Someone has to pay the fucking bills when I’m writing this Pulitzer Prize winning shit!)
During these times of gold and silver arrival, Portobello was like a boomtown and there was no “pleasure” you could not avail yourself of with the right amount of money. The population would swell to close to one hundred thousand during “Treasure Time” as it was called locally. Otherwise it was a dull place with only a couple thousand regular inhabitants and about 6 casinos. Fucking Donald Trump (is that fucker’s hair for real?) and Steve Wynn (pussy) owned ALL the casinos in the town and they just about owned the WHOLE DAMN town too, save for the Applebee’s and the Donut Shop at the far end of “The Strip”. The fuckers even tried to get a WALMART put in!!! GAWD!!! A fucking WALMART!!!! NO WAY!!!
I almost ran for city council to stop that!!! Seriously! Really! Can you see me on the city council?
The Defenses of Portobello (Some Technical Shit)
In spite of the fact that it could be a dull backwater a lot of the time, Portobello had decent defenses in place on account of the presence of the Spanish treasures and the casinos. The best part of the Portobello defenses from my standpoint, as captain of the largest pirate fleet on the high seas, was that it was being defended BY THE FUCKING SPANISH!! HA!! Is there NO WORSE NAVY on the high seas than the Spanish navy? Talk about WORTHLESS! Someday in the future, the Spanish will be all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs will have glass bottoms so the MODERN Spanish fleet can get a really good look at the OLD Spanish navy UP CLOSE and PERSONAL.
The Spanish navy as a defense is about like using a croissant as a fucking dildo! It just doesn’t get the job done and it makes a FUCKING MESS!
Remember that shit with the Spanish Armada? Fucking Brits kicked the Spanish Armada’s ASS!! The BRITS?? That itty-bitty island!! It’s like today we’d think of the Spanish Armada as terrorists. You know how we have those silly terrorists alerts, the red, green, orange, chartreuse, off-white, and teal? Well, the Brits had their own terrorist alerts. When they heard the Spanish Armada was coming, they raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." No shit! Soon, though, security levels were raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been at a security level of "A Bit Cross" since the late great William Wallace crossed into England from Scotland and sacked York and Mel Gibson went on that fucking bender! When the Armada was sighted in the channel in 1588, the Brits raised the terrorist alert to its highest level, "Bloody Nuisance.
Now the Scots are unique. The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get The Bastards!!" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. I shit you not!
The French government during this pirate “shit storm” in the Caribbean (created by yours truly and her fleet) raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". A fire in 1697 that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability, also precipitated the rise in the terrorist level by the French to its highest level. I shit you not!
The Spanish forces at Portobello were under the command of General Castellan Alexandro Manuel Pau (seriously, that’s his real name. Might as well have been John Holmes/aka Johnny Wad for all I cared). He was like a youngster, barely 30 years old and arrogant as shit until you faced him down (typical Spaniard btw). I remember getting in a fight with him at that bar, Senor Frogs in Cozumel (I mentioned that place earlier) about a year earlier and I kicked his boney ass!! He was in there with a few of his officers and had just a little too much to drink. I guess he decided if he kicked my ass or killed me he’d make a name for himself. I took issue with such thoughts naturally. He thought because I was a woman he’d kick my ass pretty easy but I told him before we started our fight
“Senor, there are two kinds of pain. The sort of pain that makes you strong and then there’s useless pain, the sort of pain that’s only suffering. I have no patience for useless things. Right now, you are feeling really, really useless to me”
“I’m not in the mood so please DON’T FUCK WITH ME!”
(I was a little drunk)
Captain Michelle Goes Psycho
Now, before we go any farther, lets discuss this idea of women and bar fights/encounters just briefly here, as to be honest I could devote an entire story to just to this. Lets segue a brief moment to the following topic because I think its worth some honorable mention.
"Women Are Very Fucking Capable of Initiating Violence In A Bar Fight" – "What a Great Title for a Master’s Thesis!!!"
As a captain of a pirate ship and head of a fleet of pirates, we end up in bars A LOT! I tried to stop drinking a few years ago, went to 30 day rehab (Betty Ford), saw a therapist, the whole nine freaking yards. I am here to freely admit it DID NOT TAKE! COME ON! BE HONEST! You didn’t think it would anyway! I have been to Betty Ford so many times I have a frequent visitor card! So I come at this from a unique, albeit skewed perspective. I have seen so many cases of other women in those bars starting a fight. When these cases first started coming to my attention, my understanding of women engaging in violence was colored by the idea that a woman would be aggressive in cases where she felt an emotional and personal provocation — if she thought another woman was trying to poach her man, or if her man had cheated on her, or something like that. Another case would be that the man dissed her, and lord knows as a female pirate captain, I am used to not being shown any respect by my male counterparts. I admit this way of looking at the world was quite sexist of me, and rather patronizing towards men. That’s how I feel though and I refuse to apologize for it, so SUCK ON IT!
But sometimes, for example, a woman just gets drunk and doesn’t like being cut off by the bartender (especially when he calls her babe or honey), just like her male counterpart (I find that if a male bartender calls another male honey in a bar, I’m probably in the wrong fucking bar!). Or she responds disproportionately (You throw a hand grenade, she fires back with a cruise missile) to a trivial miscommunication as though it were an intentional insult, intellectual put-down or a challenge, just like a drunken man more stereotypically will. We all have seen the case of the male who had too much to drink in a bar all of a sudden getting very loud and belligerent, in short, a fucking asshole! (You guys know who you are so don’t fucking sit there with your mouths wide open like I just said something you have NEVER heard or seen before out of yourself!)
Conquering my original prejudice that women are disinclined to violence, as a means of conflict resolution was an uncomfortable bit of growth I had to go through as a pirate, in part because I didn’t think that it was a very complimentary sort of thing to either feel or observe. Then again I am a fucking pirate after all, and that does tend to skew one’s judgment. I have since begun to realize there is much truth to that assertion and consider it a compliment to think I am considered inclined towards violence. Although I’d still like to be known for my mind a bit! Like DUH! OK, that’s a damn lie. I WANT TO BE KNOWN for my body just as much as my mind too. Oh whom am I kidding! “Body” TRUMPS mind every damn day!!
Studies have shown that women were faster to employ weapons than men (No shit Sherlock!) (Do you think I carry a cutlass and three pistols to use as paperweights?), whether prepared (the knife, those pussy ninja metal star thingies, mace spray, bottle of acid) or improvised. Improvised weapons are almost always thrown, and have included highball glasses, shot glasses, beer mugs, purses, pool balls, pool cues, bar stools, knives, and in one notable case, the assailant’s own feces (Guilty as charged your honor! I’ll tell that story in a future story!). Male bar fighters used weapons too, but in my research and experience less frequently than your average female. Male fighters use environmental objects to assist in their hand-to-hand combat (slamming an opponent into a wall, bashing an opponent’s head into a parked car or door).
Neither male nor female assailants seemed to care all that much about the sex of their co-combatants. When people go ape, sex just doesn’t seem to slow down the hemorrhaging much. The men seemed to think women were perfectly appropriate targets for their violence based on their behavior (e.g., cutting in line ahead of them for a bathroom, pushing and shoving, and/or slurred insults and challenges); female bar-fighters did not demonstrate any particular concern about perceived imbalances between their own physical abilities and that of the men with whom they were fighting. I’m reluctant to call this phenomenon a triumph of cultural progression towards gender equality or a victory for feminism, so you can make of it what you will. Some might even call it an acceptable bout of stupidity (I lean towards this idea personally). Either that or in my personal case, its just when I lose my temper like that, I am not thinking all that clearly (I know what you’re thinking so don’t even say it! I'm fucking serious! DON'T SAY IT!).
In any event, the bar fight against the Spanish pussy, I mean the general, wasn’t all that much of a fight. He had an issue with me before we had exchanged a single word, spouting off “I’ll not permit such an abomination aboard my ship!” he snarled. “She’s wearing PANTS! Heaven and Earth, I’ll not abide it! No strumpet pirate cxnt will board my ship!” “By Heaven!” he bellowed, “Damn me for a coward if I permit some pirate whore slut, a mere woman, to plunder my ship. Let alone will she ever set foot on it!”
Let me do a short segue here and say “Is it me or are many European men just POMPOUS ass’s?” Just sayin….
I’m sitting at another table with Harper and Anne and I lean over to them and say, “Do you think this shithead is a Ninja?” “You know how I hate Ninjas!”
I then standup and turn and say to the Spanish twit,
“Did you ever notice how the best thing about human beings is that they stack SO NEATLY.” “I think you’ll fit neat on a stack of bodies, both you and your crew, unless you SHUT THE FUCK UP SIR!”
(OK, I admit that might have been a bit on the radical side. Sometimes my bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired. If you want fucking sensitivity, call Dr. Phil!)
He and the members of his crew all rose up from their table at once, always a good sign that the SHIT is about to hit the proverbial fan! He then had motioned his own crew back, indicating that he intended to deal with my “threat” himself. That, my friends, was his FIRST mistake.
“MICHELLE!” “NO!” Harper yelled again. “DON’T HURT HIM!!”
“The health insurance WON”T cover it!”
The Spaniard looked at me and froze a second and appeared to be having a rational moment for a change as he said, “Well, maybe I was a bit hasty in my evaluation of you Captain”
I looked at the Spaniard one more time, my hand on my sword and said quietly, “SUCK UP ISN’T GONNA FIX FUCK UP…BITCH!”
(Yeah, I know, I did it again didn’t I? Paging Dr. Phil! Paging Dr. Phil!)
The Spaniard quickly pulled his blade from its scabbard and raised it, seeing it flash in the overhead light as he raised it over his head and swung the sword in a wide arc as he aimed a violent slash at my long legs.
Harper’s breath stopped as she screamed out. “CAPTAIN!!!”
That was the Spaniard’s first mistake! I leaped nimbly into the air, over the slash, and came down up on top of the wooden table, then jumped over him to a table behind him as he screamed out in frustration!
(Your Goddamn right that was impressive, and don’t you fucking try that at home! I saw that in the movie “Captain Blood”, in my opinion, the greatest pirate movie of all time)
The Spaniard whipped around and glared at me.
“FUCKING PIRATE SLUT!” “TROUSER-WEARING cxnt!” “GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING BAR YOU FILTHY WHORE!”
(I am starting to get the impression this prick doesn’t like me much!)
He lunged at me again, slashing up with his blade at my face! I jerked my head back and parried his cut by slashing my sword across my body about chest level and slapping his blade aside with a loud CLANG! I disengaged him, dancing back, the ends of my mouth turning up in a wide smile. I stepped back a few more steps, twisting my body such that only my right side was exposed and facing him, my hand clutching my cutlass tightly in my extended right arm as I twirled the end of the blade at him! My large dark eyes stare at him down along the glistening steel and suddenly and quickly I thrust the point UP with an upward flick and snap of my wrist and catch the brim of his hat and stick it on the point of my sword, jerking it up off his head!! I then brought the hat back to me and pulled it off the point of my sword with my left hand, waving it above my head!
“Come get it BITCH!” I scream at him, then stick my long wet sexy tongue out at him and thrust my crotch out at him and rotate it a few times in a few hard “bump and grind” moves!! He lunges at me and swings his blade wildly at my head and I duck under it and nimbly dance around and behind him! I then SWAT him in HIS FAT ASS ass with the flat end of my cutlass and he yelps like a little girl and jumps a few feet!! I then SLASH the Spaniard across his chest, my sword a blur, the razor sharp blade SLASHING open his tunic and cutting open the top layer of skin, watching as the red begins to soak through the material!! He SCREAMS out more in anger than anything else, as the cut just barely broke the top layer of skin and was far from lethal! He then let out with a blood-curdling scream and clutched at his chest!!!
I spoke in a low measured voice, as I wasn’t even breathing hard. “Señor,” “I know not who you are, but you are sadly lacking in manners!! That is no way to speak to a lady!! Drop your sword, and you and your friends will be allowed live!!” “You have my word as a Captain!!”
His face was red, contorted and covered with perspiration and he was wheezing and coughing. He screamed back at me “Take the word of a pirate WHORE?” “NEVER!!”
The silly Spaniard came at me again, lunging and slashing madly, and again I parried!! I then stopped retreating and began to circle, my footwork light and balanced, in contrast to the clumsy man’s lumbering steps. “Please, Señor!” “STOP this foolish attack!” “I do not wish to harm you!” I yelled in a pleading voice!
I stayed on the toes of my boots and kept slowly, relentlessly circling him, my sword extended at him.
The silly Spaniard screamed back “What if I slice your nipples off with my sword you WHOREBAG?” “HUH!”
THAT PISSED ME OFF!! I REALLY have always liked my nipples a lot!
The Spaniard, panting like a dog, cursed me again, slashing wildly at my head. I ducked, but as I did so, the tip of the fucking Spaniard’s sword caught the tip of the white plume on my hat, cutting it in off!
I sprang back, saw the puff of white feather fluttering in the breeze, and my expression darkened. I mean I was PISSED! “You POMPOUS MOTHERFUCKER!” I was screaming and spitting I was so mad! “I paid 20 pesos for that feather!” “You stop this nonsense you COCKSUCKER!”
And then I finally just said FUCK IT and I lunged at him!!
My form was flawless, a thing of beauty! My sword slid in past Spaniard’s guard as smoothly as a dolphin’s leap, and the tip of my sword found the fleshy upper part of the man’s sword arm. I pinked him, lightly, and disengaged, leaping backward. I then quickly leapt back in and slashed the tip of my sword across his CROTCH! He drops his sword, hearing it clatter on the wooden floor! He then screams out and dropped like a rock to his knees, clutching his crotch!!
Harper runs in and bends down and looks closely and looks up at me and busts out laughing!!
“God Damn Chelley!” “You trying to do a John Bobbit on him?” “Close but you just nicked him!” “He did piss himself though!” “PEWWWWWWWW!!” “JESUS H. CHRIST!”
Harper finally quits laughing and says, "We got good news and bad news Captain!" "The bad news is he pissed himself!' "The good news is he won't be needing that pesky vasectomy in the future!"
Suddenly a Spanish lieutenant that was with the General came at us with his sword drawn! My back was turned to him but Harper lunges at him and gets between him and me and executes a perfect double-legged drop kick to his mid-section!! He drops like a rock and lies on the floor crying like a baby!! She then gets up and goes over and jump off the floor with both feet, kick her legs and feet out from under her, and comes down landing on her ass and executing a perfect elbow drop to his balls!! OWWW!!! Oh wait, he’s a Spaniard, he CAN'T HAVE ANY BALLS!!
We got our asses out of there PRONTO before the Spanish police showed up, which would have gave a bad ending to what was our “Cozumel Excellent Adventure”
I beat that Spanish PRICK like a redheaded stepchild! Harper and Anne wanted to hang his ass but I decided to let him go with a stern lecture.
As we were leaving the bar, Harper said to me “Damn Captain, we're making this an early evening!" "Does this mean we won’t get to see you drunk and have you start asking which of us wants to go down in the rabbit hole with you?”
Harper and Anne snickered and one thing that pisses a Captain off more than anything is when her subordinates snicker at her!
I looked at Harper and glared “FUCK YOU Harper, I need coffee BAD!!”
“Is there a Starbucks in Cozumel?”
“Oh and Harper, if you keep badmouthing Alice and the White Rabbit your bonus this year won’t be shit and I’ll BURY YOU IN A HOLE!”
We have a basic law on my ship; no one kids me about “Alice in Wonderland” and “Through the Looking Glass” as my father used to read me those stories all the time when I was a little girl.
Harper turns and lifts her right hand and extends her middle finger to me, much to my shock and surprise! “Captain its three fucking am!” “So next time why don't you pack an espresso machine in your BIG FUCKIN' BITCH BAG if you want COFFEE!"
I place my hands on my hips and smile at her as Anne stands by looking skyward and whistling “Why thank you Harpy, your Captain loves it when you show her a little respect”
Who says Captain Michelle isn’t a sweet good-natured benevolent soul? Come on! COME ON!!! WHO YOU FUCKERS?? I mean I could have HUNG him, RIGHT? HUH? IT SHOWS I'M GETTING BETTER....RIGHT? THE THERAPY HAS HELPED SOME.....I THINK?
Final Preparations for the Attack
I sent word out that I intended to lead a raid on the Spanish and sailed out on the 1st of February 1797 to the well known rendezvous at Isla Vaca, a tiny island that hovers innocently just under the lower strut of Hispaniola’s south western shore, were I waited for my Buccaneers to gather. MY ability to draw women to my cause was proved a month later in May, by which time some 38 ships and between 1,500 and 2,000 women had arrived at Isla Vaca. On the 1st of July I called all the captains together and told them of my intention to attack Panama, and the richest port in the Spanish colonies, Portobello. Every captain received a vote; the result was in favor of the scheme.
As I said earlier, there were three castles to contend with to get at Portobello. The question was, just how ready were these forts for an attack by someone as awesome as the Dread Pirate Michelle and her crew?
Such were the defenses on paper, anyway. Because of the castles, the people of Portobello had known years of peace and were not ready for an attack in 1797. I sent in advance scouts led by Harper and Mary and we found out the castles were seriously undermanned: there were ony 150 men out of 300 in San Felipe, 200 men out of 400 in Santiago, and only 75 in the unfinished castle of San Gerónimo. There were a few hundred soldiers in town as well on the night of July 10, where many of them would spend the night. Although the soldiers had good small arms including pistols and muskets, some of the cannons in the castles were in bad repair and there was a shortage of grenades. The gunners also were not experienced enough to man all the cannons if needed.
They also determined the Spanish were using San Felipe as whorehouse. I shit you not! I told you it was a lot like Las Vegas!! They had soldiers and officers running through there at all hours of the day and night
Even cooler was that they were having this topless mud wrestling tournament at San Felipe that night so you know there was like “no one at home” in terms of being ready for an attack! Hey! I didn’t get to be Captain because I’m just a babe. I do my homework and I don’t make mistakes. I knew I had to know what was going on with regard to Portobello’s defenses or I would be putting my crew and my entire fleet into a SALAD SPINNER OF FUCK!
End of Part 2 Chapt 4
© 2014 by Michelle/Southern Cross Enterprises. All rights reserved.
-
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Southern Cross going to stop in Cuba?
Yes we have a Cuban adventure planned....hold onto your crotch :P
-
What a story! "Captain Blood" meets Monty Python. Well worth the wait. Yarrr!
Fw190 A - The Hebrew Pirate of Love
-
As a special bonus to all readers of my “Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main” Pirate Series…..the publisher has come out with a commemorative calendar series that uses members of my “crew” as the “cover girls” for past years.
I have included some examples and think they also make really cool father’s day gifts for that hard-to-buy for Father/Husband/boyfriend.
Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum!!…..although my preference is Japanese Single Malt ☺
-
There have been a few requests for pictures of the famous ship-to-ship battle between my ship, the "Southern Cross"...and the "Trinidad".....which I wrote about in Part 1
(https://www.freecatfights.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mydesktopwallpapers.info%2F621%2520Dark%2520Wallpapers%2Fpirate-ship-2.jpg&hash=ece251b4d179cba74a4baab4fa2d47943562ed05)
All that was left of the Trinidad after the battle is shown below...
-
A great part 4 just like the other parts. You are truly a talented writer and one of if not the best on FCF. I cannot wait to see what happens next or in Cuba.
-
10 reasons why Pirates are better than Ninjas
1. Who can actually name a famous real life ninja
2. Pirates have a much better marketing campaign. (How can you beat having your own ride at Disney World)
3. Cool guns
4. We have our own football team
5. You get to say cool stuff like “ Argh! Ye winsome wench, hoist your main sail and show us your larboard side” (Translation: Hey baby, hike up your skirt and show us some booty)
6. Showing up to work drunk is part of the Job description
7. so is weekends in the Bahamas
8. Chicks dig guys with boats
9. No matter how bad the grog is, it still tastes better than sake
10. http://www.gasparillapiratefest.com
-
The next great battle....
Just who would win in an epic battle between zombies and pirates? Pirates are surely clever, shifty guys, but would their peglegs prevent them from fleeing the throngs of brain-craving zombies? On a boat, would they be able to escape, or would the fact that zombies can’t drown put them at a disadvantage? On the other hand, how would zombies fare against the cold steel of a pirate cutlass or the blast of a blunderbuss?
The answers to these questions are in your hands, zombiephiles. Who’d end up walking the plank – zombies, or pirates?
We answer that question soon...
-
Final part (part 3) of Chapter 4 is going up in a few hours.......
Then we'll hear what Cuba and Fidel have to say.......about those looney pirates and their crazy captain
As always....the response and support for this series has been tremendous! I appreciate all the comments and opinions. The goal is to make it fun and entertaining....and I'll do all I can to make that happen.
Audience and reader participation is always a plus and I love seeing it and hearing from you all......along with your thoughts for future stories and directions!
Thanks again to everyone!....keep those cards and letters coming :)
-
The following is Part 3 of Chapter 4 of my continuing pirate series - The Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main, Adventures of Captain Michelle and her Crew.
I like to think of this series as a sort of "Black Sails Meets Monte Python"
This is part 3 of 3 parts, this final installment entitled "Portobello Assault". Chapter 4 Part 1 and 2 have already been posted just ahead of this posting so please check them out. As always any feedback is welcomed and appreciated. The names have been changed along with dates to protect the innocent (and possibly the guilty) and as always, those still in witness protection. Thanks again for all the support I have received. And so here we go!! ENJOY!!
The Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main - Chap 4 Part 3 - Portobello Assault!!
Michelle and her Pirates Move Into Position (It Gets Really Cool Now, I Swear!)
Portobello had the right ring to it. The very name sounded glamorous even if, as we have seen, the reality was that it was a stinking, half-empty fever-hole! Few Englishmen knew this and, even if they did, tended to forget it and to substitute in their minds an almost legendary place, which brought memories of a golden past and promises of a golden future. The Treasure City of the Spanish Main!
Portobello, the terminal point of the treasure fleet in its travels to Seville, the home of the richest merchants of the Indies, whose wealth could be squeezed out in plunder; Portobello, the key to the even greater riches of Panamá and Peru, one of the King of Spain’s most precious jewels in the Indies. It was true that the city was well fortified, but surely a thousand well-led men....or half that many well-led women could take it as a prize … but my friends the French would have none of it. “They wholly refused to join with us in that action as they felt it too full of danger and difficulty”, Michelle later reported in her diary. Very well then, said Michelle, we will take it ourselves. And when some of her women demurred at the thought of taking such a powerfully defended city with a force which was now reduced to less than five hundred men, Captain Michelle is said to have replied in a paraphrase of Shakespeare:
“If our numbers are small our hearts are great, and the fewer we are the better shares we shall have in the spoils.”
I mean FUCK! Was that not INSPIRATIONAL? If Custer had said that before the Little Big Horn I bet he’d not be turning over in his grave so much cussing himself for being such a DUMB ASS!
We have already seen that the city of Portobello, though potentially very powerful, was in fact rather vulnerable— short of men, low on morale and not particularly well equipped. The point to remember is that Michelle and her crew knew all this before they decided to attack the city.
(Back to the notes from Captain Michelle's diary in her own words:)
I knew the city. Neither its citizens nor the Spanish had any concept that they might be attacked. The citizens didn’t realize the castles were so undermanned. Remember, these are the Spanish here. They are like the Italians and the French. It part of their gene pool to retreat and go the fuck backwards!! I decided after this knowledge to go with a land attack.
The main vulnerability of the ports was their lack of protection from the landward side. Spain assumed that the jungle was good enough protection for this area. I intended to exploit this weakness, as I perceived it.
The city might be half empty because not all of the treasure ships were in port, but it was still well defended, and in fact there were probably as many soldiers in the garrison as there were citizens in the town. Indeed, it was said to be the third strongest city in the Spanish Indies after Havana and Cartagena. The private citizens, whether they actually lived in Panamá or Portobello, had property to protect too, and the Spanish Crown was vitally interested in the maintenance of this terminus of the long route to the Indies. The main defenses of the port were two big fortresses or castles, one each side of the harbor. On the west, separated from the town by a small river, stood the castle of Santiago with a garrison on paper of 200 men and 32 guns placed to cover the port itself and the approach to the city. On the other side of the bay was the smaller castle of San Felipe with 12 guns and a theoretical garrison of 100 men. No ship could reasonably hope to run the gauntlet between the crossfire of these two castles. Beyond the castles were blockhouses and sentry posts, and to east and west along the coast there were armed lookout stations. These castles and outworks were manned by what the Spanish authorities euphemistically called ‘paid’ soldiers or their version of trained professionals.
We left our ships in the charge of a small crew at the port of Boca del Toro in Panama. The rest of the women took canoes and rowed to Estera Longa Lemos, where they beached the canoes and hiked for three miles across land, arriving at Portobello's sentry outpost just before midnight of July 10 1797. I took the fleet down the coast and unloaded some 600 crew women in all.
The World Cup Final championship game (being held in Tegucigalpa, Honduras and televised on ESPN Des Portes) was being televised and the Spanish had just got them several of those new 64 inch HD flat screens from Sony and they were all glued to them and drinking down some of that new 1800 tequila that they got free (1800 is that tequila in the blue bottle that Ray Liotta advertises in the television commercials. Ray, as you might remember, made his name playing Henry Hill the gangster in that wonderful movie “Goodfellas”. Ray can also have me anytime he wants me, as he is totally hot!).
Since the soccer game was being televised that night, the fucking Spanish were occupied and just getting PLASTERED to the gills. (I know, you Euros call it FOOTBALL!! Well, FUCK THAT SHIT!! IT’S SOCCER! There is only ONE football!) One of our smaller ships (the “Magdelena”) remained with my landing party a little further out to sea. This escort ship was eventually spotted by the Spanish, but caused no alarm: what damage could one ship do the Spanish thought? Plus the World Cup game had gone into overtime and there was NO WAY they were going to leave that for ONE silly ship! The buccaneers made a fortuitous capture as well: a local fisherman was captured and pressured (bribed) into guiding them through the swamps. On the night of July 10, we were ready to begin the assault.
The Pirate Assault Begins! – Portobello or Bust!
Success of our plan, as always, would depend on surprise. The garrison might be undermanned but, if alerted, the guns of Santiago would blow my tiny army to bits and the survivors would find themselves chained in a dungeon in Portobello in their turn. I ordered the attack for late the midnight of July 10. Surprise depended on concealing my strength and my intentions from the lookout posts at Chagres and Buenaventura just before you got to Portobello, but I had thought up a scheme for doing that. Didn’t I tell you Captain Michelle always has a plan? I’ve been in a prison before and I’ll be damned if I go back. You stay out of prison when you have a plan. If that pussy Captain Blood had had a plan, his ass wouldn't have spent so much time in an English prison. I am so sick of hearing about the great fucking Captain Blood! [gags!] What did he ever do? He never captured cities like me and my great crew did. All that sumbitch ever did was hook up with Olivia DeHavilland.........BIG WOO!!!!
I called my fleet of twelve small ships to anchor in the huge deserted bay of Boca del Toro, The canoes moved swiftly and landed at a lookout post a little over one hundred and fifty miles from Portobello. Leaving skeleton crews in all but one ship, I transferred my raiding party to a fleet of twenty-three canoes, which I had captured in Cuba and carried south on the decks of my ships for just such an eventuality. These canoes, about forty feet long and equipped with a small sail as well as paddles, were a common sight in the coastal waters of the West Indies.
Our twenty-three canoes, each carrying a score of well-armed female pirate, must have made a stirring sight as they paddled out of Boca del Toro, rushed along on their way by the fast east-going current. But there was nobody there to see them, except their friends in the ships they left behind, as they set off on this last stage of their voyage along the Isthmus, protected by just one large ship. They paddled by night, hugging the coast to stay undercover, and lay up in hidden places by day. It took them four nights to paddle the hundred and fifty miles down to Orange Island with the coast, now rocky, now sandy, just a blur to starboard and so close that the smell of rotting vegetation in the steamy July nights was always in their nostrils. No one saw the splashes of their paddles as they dipped them in the phosphorescent sea. No one heard her curses and grumbles. What you did get to see was their bare athletic torsos straining to move as much water with her paddle as possible as her sinewy well defined muscles strained as minutes turned to hours and perspiration coated skin glistened in the full moon light. Firm breasts gently swaying as torsos turned and muscles flexed and strained behind the movement of the paddles. Beads of perspiration streaking tanned skin and heaving breasts, collecting on hard erect pink nipples, forming teardrops before falling to the deck below. I had trained them for this, the days of work, sweat and pain! Now that work was paying off! And we were wet from more than just sweat! God this is turning me on!
So far so good! There had been a certain amount of risk in leaving the ships, but the chance of surprise clearly outweighed it. This coast was largely deserted, except for the great fortress of San Lorenzo at the mouth of the River Chagres, and they managed to creep past that at night without giving the alert. The danger from ships was minimal. Few sailed at night so near the coast and, indeed, there were few Spanish ships likely to be sailing at all. The pirates themselves had brought the commercial traffic of the Spanish Main virtually to a standstill; at the time of our invasion there was just one ship, a frigate from Cuba, in the harbor of Portobello. Nor was there any danger from the ships of the Spanish Crown, for the only guard-ship on the entire coast was based at Cartagena. There was no ship to defend Portobello. Everything was moving perfectly, the entire effort coming to fruition
There were plenty of soldiers, castles, forts and strongholds in the place ahead that my women were bound for that night, and even greed and treasure would be unable to overcome certain nervousness as my crew got back into their canoes and checked their weapons. They carried no artillery at all, just cutlass, two pistols, musket and what a contemporary described as “an insatiable desire of riches, courage and disdain of risk”. But their weapons, though simple, were of very fine quality, and the pirates looked after them lovingly. Their cutlasses were razor sharp; pistols were oiled and clean; powder was dry; and their muskets, four and a half feet long and manufactured in France, were the very best in the world. There was no one who could fire a musket so accurately as these pirates, whose main exercises were target shooting and keeping their guns clean. These guns were gleaming as the privateers paddled away from Orange Island just after midnight for the last few miles of their voyage to the sleeping city of Portobello.
A Spanish canoe that had been sent to observe the "strange ship" that was providing our back-up saw our "procession" and raced back to the city to sound the alarm. My crew had to move quickly. Lucky for us I had sent an advance team led by Harper and she and her group grabbed the alarmists and tied them up. At midnight, they landed at Estero Longa Lemo, and continued on foot, until they reached the first sentry outpost at the entrance to the town. They had, as a guide, and Englishman who had been a prisoner in Portobello, and was familiar with the layout of the town. With 4 others, he proceeded to the guardhouse a mile down the road from the entrance to the city, and captured the sentry. The sentry was brought back to me, and I got him to reveal troop strength, their locations, gum placements, etc. by taking my top off and letting him take a long look at my world class tits and then giving him several autographed pictures of me naked to take back to his buddies. We then made him lead the way into town. Surprisingly enough, he was very happy to oblige us.
When they reached the approach to the city as dawn broke, they paused: there stood Santiago Castle guarding the entrance. But their guide assured them that the castle was in disarray and most of the Spanish soldiers inside were either drunk, asleep or just frankly didn’t give a shit. This information gave me great confidence to press forward so I rolled the dice and went for it. The pirates rushed across the open ground to the town. I gave the order to charge and, with a bloodcurdling scream that was heard right across the bay, the pirates poured out through the defile and, splitting up into two parties, raced across the open ground. The smaller group of some seventy women sped towards a ravine that led up to a small hill called La Gloria, which dominated the castle on the landward side. The rest of the women ran straight towards the castle itself and then, moving round the castle under cover of the walls, crossed over the bridge and charged into the city through a side door, firing off their guns at everything alive, whites, blacks, even dogs, in order to spread terror. In all this time not a single pirate was killed or wounded. Our estimate of the gunners of Santiago proved only too correct. A few Spanish musketeers fired from the walls and missed. The cannon gunners in Santiago only got off one shot, which sailed harmlessly over the attackers' heads.
What about the guns, those great guns supposedly loaded with grapeshot and which had so frightened Michelle when she first saw them years before? The Spanish Constable of Artillery had rushed up to supervise their loading, but he had been in such a panic that he had only managed to load two of them and these with comparatively harmless ball instead of lethal grapeshot. Nor was this the end of his incompetence. In the first gun he loaded the ball before the charge, so that it did not fire so it fired backwards, wiping out the gun crew! A second gun, though correctly loaded, was wrongly elevated and the ball sailed over the heads of Michelle’s women and landed with a mighty splash in the sea. By the time they had reloaded, all of our attackers had passed the danger zone and my marksmen were picking off the defenders of the castle from the safety of the hill on the landward side. The very first shots from the pirates forced the gunner’s to duck their heads and soon the long French muskets were causing havoc in the depleted Spanish garrison. After several volleys of gunfire, we thought we’d try and negotiate the surrender of the castle so we went in under a white flag of truce to see if we could avoid any further loss of life. A Spanish guard yelled down at us from the wall.
Spanish Guard: 'Allo! Who is zis?
Captain Michelle: It is I, the Dread Captain Michelle and her pirates you fucking twit! You need to surrender your dumbasses!
Spanish Guard: This is the castle of Our Master Ruiz' de Lu La Ramper Oscar De La Hoya Julio Iglesias the First
Captain Michelle: Go and tell your master we’ll blow this fucker up if he doesn’t surrender! We are on a sacred quest to take Portobello. If you surrender, you can join us, get a cut of the action and improve your health insurance and benefits! We’ve even got a 401K and we match up to 7%!! What do they match you here?
Spanish Guard: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen on the idea. He prefers Ninjas to pirates! And they only match to 4% here…FUCK! You guys do have a good deal!
Captain Michelle: Don’t tell me your master is a Ninja? NO WAY!!
Spanish Guard: Yes he is a Ninja and he is on a quest to how show how sheeps’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes using a Quija board!
Captain Michelle: And by the way, you don’t sound Spanish! Well, what are you then?
Spanish Guard: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly spasm clit Captain!
Captain Michelle: What are you doing in Portobello?
Spanish Guard: Mind your own business Captain motherfucker!
Captain Michelle: You'll pay for your insolence you snail eating, brie snorting wussie! If you don’t surrender, we shall take your castle by force!
Spanish Guard: You don't frighten us, pirate pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, you so-called Pirate Captain panty knitter, you and all your silly pirate kaniggets! Thppppt!
Captain Michelle: What a strange person you are! Now look here, my good man! I'm a Goddess! I can shape-shift. I can create stuff out of nothingness. I can alter the fabric of reality. So please, quit being a knucklehead!
Spanish Guard: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction with extreme prejudice! You mother was an overweight hamster and your father smelt of elderberries and made love to a ferret! SILENCE YOU TEMPTRESS!! NOW FUCK OFF!!
Captain Michelle: Errrrrr, is there someone else up there we could talk to?
Spanish Guard: No!! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!!
Captain Michelle: Now just a damn minute! This is your LAST CHANCE!! I've been more than reasonable!
Spanish Guard: Ah, this one is for your mother!
[The guard raises the middle finger of his right hand to us!]
Captain Michelle: THAT CUTS IT MUTHAFUCCA! If you do not agree to my commands right now, then I shall------
[TWONG! (sound of catapult launching an object! Or...or could be a giant fucking rubber band!]
[Mooooooo!….suddenly a large Jersey cow comes flying over the castle wall straight for me and my officers!!]
I scream, “JESUS CHRIST!!!” “RUN AWAY!!” “RUN AWAY!!”
I had heard just about enough from this asshole! I unhatched my super secret weapon! My fierce unflappable 15 pound Shi-Tzu pirate dog, Carly!! Carly took some sticks of dynamite in her teeth and under a hail of musket fire she ran across an open area to the main castle gate, dug a hole and buried the dynamite under the center portion of the gate. She then took a match from her fanny pack (yes, a dog can have a fucking fanny pack so lets not be judgmental) and lit the main fuse before making a mad zig-zag dash for my open arms! The resulting explosion blew open the main gate and once again the Spanish were caught with either their pants down getting blow jobs from the local hooker’s union or they were asleep or they were just pussies and gave up. They all quickly surrendered! In no time, Santiago castle was ours! We had not lost ONE woman! Carly's actions had saved us countless lives and she was awarded the Legion of Honor for her actions later in a ceremony aboard ship. Show me a fucking cat that can do that! HA!
The main body of our army had little trouble in capturing the city. Splitting up into their component companies, they raced through the streets, shrieking, firing their muskets and slashing with their cutlasses at anyone who dared to face them. There were few who did, although some bold spirits put up a token resistance.
Only in the half-built fort of San Geronimo across the bay was there any serious attempt to halt the pirate fury. It was here that we also fell upon the REALLY brilliant part of the whole plan! I came up with the idea of using chickens and fluffy white bunnies as weapons as we were trekking through the jungle towards Portobello. The thought was setting up a system of small catapults and flinging the chicken and the bunnies over the fortress walls. The bunnies were the key to the whole plan. These were specially trained bunnies, skilled in martial arts and with extra long teeth, which often came in handy in hand-to-hand combat with the Spanish. The chickens were just used as an irritant because the Spanish are so easy to irritated and get flustered so easily. We also dressed some of the chickens and half the bunnies in black ninja pajamas to really scare the shit out of the Spanish! This to me was the true brilliance of the plan. I had figured the chickens would mess with the Spanish as it was in stark contrast to the white fluffy bunny rabbits. That stark contrast of wanting to pick up and hug the bunnies (who would then go for the throats of whoever was dumb enough to pick them up) and the chickens (what else can I say about chickens that hasn't already been said? Chickens are basically bigger pigs than the PIGS in a barnyard! They're just...... chickens! Nuff said!)
We loaded up the mini catapults we got at the Wal-Mart in Cartagena with the bunnies and I gave the order to FIRE! A barrage of white fluffy special ops bunnies in black pajamas and bandanas flew up high and them floated gently down into the courtyard on the other side of the fortress wall as little chutes deployed and the bunnies began to bare their sharp fearsome fangs of DEATH!
The bunnies didn’t forget their training as they waited until they were at “throat level” before baring their fearsome fangs! A smaller group of my ninja bunnies were also trained in the ancient art of using the most well-known and feared weapon in the historical ninja's fighting arsenal, the throwing stars, or shuriken throwing blade. We listened on the other side of the castle wall and heard the blood curdling screams!! Within minutes the gates to the castle flung open and the Spanish defenders came running out screaming like Banshees, many in tears and stumbling over themselves to get out of that “Living Bunny Hell!!!”
(Don’t tell me this won’t give you fucking nightmares tonight! The thought of blue and green eyed ninja bunnies with fangs and flinging those metal star thingies is so terrifying that it would put anything Robert Pattison and Kristin Stewart did in one of those “Twilight” movies to complete and utter shame! Trust me, if you've seen those movies, its not too hard to put any of the crap they did to shame!)
The bunnies were used in place of regular Ninjas, as we couldn’t get our specially trained Ninja platoon in time for the assault. Normally I am not a big proponent of using little Ninja fuckers in an assault but this is the Spanish after all. Why not use the suicidal ninja fuckers as cannon fodder instead of my crew? BRILLIANT!! Is Captain Michelle not one of the great military strategists of all time? I am SO SICK of hearing about that Sun Tzu ass hole as being some GREAT strategist. All that guy did was write a book. I’m out there boarding ships, getting in sword fights, sacking towns, leading the greatest pirate fleet the world has every seen and torturing people! I am also the foremost expert on the care, feeding and training of ninja bunnies! While I am honing my craft, Sun Tzu is sitting on his fat ass down at Barnes and Noble autographing his half ass book!
Before we knew it, the Spanish flag was coming down and the white flag of surrender going up over the fort of San Geronimo!! Two down, one to go!
Once the Spanish perceived that the first two forts were easily taken, they couldn’t surrender the third fort quick enough, enabling Michelle's buccaneers to overrun the city. The battle was OVER!
THE TOWN WAS OURS!!
We ran up the pirate flag on the three forts, giving our ships the sign they had been waiting for. As the fleet arrived, the jubilant invaders set about sacking the town, looking for loot and alcohol. I went into town to the Mayor’s Mansion and in to the Mayor’s office and sat in his big fat cushy over priced chair with my boots up on that big old imported desk. Harper and Anne marched in the Mayor and the Spanish Commander (Yup, my good and bestest pal General Pau) we’re brought before me. I was wearing my working garb: a loose-sleeved black homespun shirt that laced up the front (in this case open down to almost my navel), and a metal reinforced corselet made of black leather. My shapely legs were clad in dark trousers, with high, folded-over black boots. On my head was a broad-brimmed black hat. One side was rolled up, and a jaunty black and purple plume waved in the breeze. I had a pistol belt that ran across my chest, holding three flintlocks
The Mayor, his Excellency Carlos Santana, looked at me like I was crazy for taking over the town and gave that usual lecture I get from Spanish males. You know the one about me being a girl, having tits and a pussy and therefore there was no way in the Wide Wide World of Fuck I could take over a town by force.
I looked at his Excellency and said “Hey Mayor, don’t give me that “Quaker in a Titty Bar Look” you mother fucker!” “There’s a new sheriff in town and the bitch is me, the Dread Pirate Michelle!”
The Mayor looked at me as I stood up from the chair and pounded on the desk as I spoke for dramatic effect! (I told you all in a previous chapter about the value of being a good Drama Queen in one’s role as a Dread Pirate. I think one only need look no further than the Academy Award performances of Johnny Depp in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies and you’ll easily understand why I say that. I will be circulating petitions that he get an honorary Academy Award for Best Actor for those roles so have your pens and pencils ready!)
The Mayor game me the once over and finally spoke, his lower lip trembling “So YOU’RE THE Dread Pirate Michelle?”
I winked and said “In the flesh”
The Mayor thought a moment and responded, “I thought you’d be taller and have bigger boobs”
I glared back at time, stood up and leaned over the desk and glanced down between his legs, “I thought you’d have a cock and some BIGGER BALLS YOU FUCKING PUSSY!”
The Mayor then got all nervous and started almost screaming back in a panicked voice “But I am sure your boobs are WORLD CLASS Senorita Captain!” “PLEASE SPARE ME!”
I interrupted the Mayor, as there is nothing worse than a stuttering, screaming nervous Spaniard (unless it’s a whining, whimpering Frenchman!) and said
“You need to calm the fuck down Judge Judy!” “Either that or divorce your head from your FUCKING NECK!”
I look at Harper and wink, grinning, “I just KNEW there was going be a cherry on top of this turd cake!” “SHOOT HIM!”
I looked at Harper and Anne and they both shrugged their shoulders, Harper then looking at me and saying,
“What’s up with that shit Captain?” “I know these ninja fuckers are the enemy, but this guy seems too pathetic to shoot!”
I shook my head, "Maybe you're right" “Fuck Harpy…this guy here acts like all the ambition he had in his body left him a long time ago and all he has left in his last remaining 10 years of being a soldier is a damp fucking overpriced apartment, cold enchiladas and an invisible fucking dog”
Harper: “Chelley, I thought you used to say that about me?”
Michelle: “That was before you graduated from Stanford...bitch”
Harper: “Oh”
Harper still appeared disgusted and put out with me and whispered as we were walking out of the mansion “And don’t be coming to my cabin later tonight and wanting me to play “French Maid” with you either!
I shrug, grab my crotch and look over at Anne and say, "Jesus, I kind of feel my virginity growing back here!"
The Sacking of Portobello
As the fleet arrived, the jubilant invaders set about the business of sacking the town. I did go through the town before I turned the crews loose and made really cool deals with the casinos where the crew could stay for free as long as they fucking gambled and shit!! Is that not awesome or what? Drinks were free while they gambled to! That Donald Trump isn't a half bad guy after all although I do wish he'd lose that hair! All of the loot, treasure, gold, silver, jewels, traveler's checks, fine watches and Victoria's Secret undergarments were brought together: under the strict code of the privateers, any woman who withheld treasure was severely punished. Look we may be pirates but we are absolutely NOT fucking thieves! Prisoners were tortured to get them to reveal the whereabouts of any hidden treasure.
They brought young General Pau before me in the Governor’s mansion and I sat behind the big desk and watched as Ann and Harper threw the guy on top of the large wooden desk! He was STARK, BUCK, NEKKID!!
I spread my long legs, my black folded over boots laying on the desk edge as I gazed at the Spaniard sprawled across the desktop and between my legs (Ok…CALM DOWN!! I see what some of you are THINKING!!). The Spaniard lay on the desk, his head down close to the edge where I had my feet propped up on it, my long legs spread, his head between my feet (I said CALM DOWN!).
The general gazed up between my legs, then looked up into my dark eyes, then back down between my legs and whispered in a shaky voice,
“Any chance those pants might come down Seniorita Captain?”
I heard Harper giggling as I looked up at her, then seeing her turning her head away from me and covering her mouth as she chuckled some more.
I yell over at Harper, “You know Harpy!” “Sometimes you make me think there is just a 9 year-old girl inside of your body just operating the levers!”
Harper hangs her head in shame and whispers, “I’m sorry Chelley, errrr Captain Michelle”
I glare at Harper, “Well, um, I accept your apology while retaining the right to FIRE THE FUCK out of you” “Shall I print that up on a T-shirt that I could give to you?” “JESUS H. CHRIST!”
I glare back down at the General after his “pants comment to me, “You don’t think you should just go fist a chimp…AHOLE?”
“You’ve sure got that Quaker in a Titty bar look on your face!”
“Your are cute as a baby all nekkid laying there though!”
Harper chimes in, “You know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever "they" are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic!”
The general continues to shake like a whore in church
Michelle: “Harper!” “I think our general here is injured!”
Michelle: “Did you check?” “I mean how bad is he?”
Harper: He's fine. It's just superficial cuts.
Michelle: Did you give him any painkillers, or...
Harper: I didn't want to do that because he says he’s
already on St. John's Wort!
Michelle: I think I got that off a Catholic schoolgirl once
Harper: CAPTAIN!!!
General: “Please Captain!” “SPARE ME!!” “I BEG OF YOOOU!”
I paused for a moment, looking up at the ceiling, and then back down to the General.
Michelle: "You read the Bible, General?"
General: "Yes!"
Michelle: "Well, there's this passage I've got memorized that sort of fits this occasion. Its Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of the evil men.” “Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and goodwill, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper, and the finder of lost children.” “And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers!” “And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!”
General: Captain Michelle Ma’am? Just what in the Wide Wide World of FUCK does that mean? I mean ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! I’m a PRISONER OF WAR and I have RIGHTS!! What about the Geneva Convention?
I then let my voice rise a little as my eyes meet the General’s “You’re a disgrace!” “I am personally going to see to it that you’re chewed up like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper!!” “And we’re pirates and we don’t give a DAMN about the Geneva Convention!!!” “When was the last time you saw a pirate in Austria??”
I look over at Harper, “Take this cocksucker out to the ship, tie some of that gold he is so fond of, and make him walk the plank!”
The general screamed. “OH Please Captain, SPARE ME!!!!” “PLEASE!!!” “I’ll DO ANYTHING!!!” “I’ll play any SICK pirate game you want!”
I looked at the General, tilted my head and whispered softly to him,
“If you want to play a game General, why don’t you try working an IPAD WITH YOUR DICK!!”
Harper leaned over and whispered in my ear “He’s already got carpal tunnel in that area, Chelley so that’s a NO GO!!”
I look at Harper, “I thought I said take this cocksucker out to the ship, tie some of that gold he is so fond of, and make him walk the plank!”
Harper looked at me and her mouth fell agape, then she spoke “Michelle!” “You have got to be kidding me?”
I turn and look at Harper with a raised eyebrow “You’re right, leave the gold off him!”
I moved my pirates around to properly to man the forts and prepare them for a counterattack by the Spanish. With our pirates in charge, Portobello had now become a much more formidable target: We had twice as many able pirates than had what the Spanish in terms of personnel prior to our arrival. My forces were also better equipped, more experienced and better fighters than the previous Spanish contingent of pussies. The Spanish would be better off hiring the French!
The Big Ransom
The one man who could bring a halt to our leisurely enjoyment of her captured city was Don Agustin de Bracamonte, the young nobleman who had been appointed interim President of Panamá when Don Juan Perez de Guzmán was suspended by the Viceroy of Peru. No doubt, Don Agustin was eager for glory since his acting appointment would last only as long as Don Juan remained a prisoner in Lima. So we can imagine that it was with a certain excitement that he received the news of the pirate's capture of Portobello.
Meanwhile, the President of Panama, hearing of the attack on Portobello, swiftly organized a relief column to march to the aid of the city, some 70 miles away. He had 1,000 men, a sizeable force, and they marched quickly, hoping to catch the Captain Michelle and her pirates before they could complete their victory. When they met up with the soldiers from San Felipe who had been allowed to leave, their spirits sank. It would be next to impossible to take the city back with only 1,000 men if Michelle was expecting them. The President then received Michelle’s ransom demands and he blew a fucking gasket!! I mean it was like those old cartoons when the mad person’s head shot up off its shoulders and you hear this whistle like they have on an 18-wheelers!
Michelle had sent an email (what do you mean they didn’t have fucking email back on the 17th century? Like YOU know?) To the President of Panama, Don Agustín de Bracamonte (aka Benecio Del Toro) demanding 1,00,000 pesos as a ransom for Portobello. If Bracamonte did not pay, Michelle claimed, she would sell the town to the French and they would burn it down and put in a Disneyworld. The prisoners would all be forced to wear Disney character costumes and smile 24/7 and greet visitors and in general promise to not moody. As a final indignity, Taco Bell would be BANNED from opening any franchises in and around the greater Portobello metro area.
The President’s relief forces tried several attacks on the city from different directions but were quickly driven back by Michelle's sharpshooters. The Spanish had about as much chance against the pirates as Manhattan had against that monster in the movie “Cloverfield” It was getting ugly and the Spanish were getting desperate. Finally, at one point they sent a female emissary under a white flag and Michelle and her officers met her at the main gate of the city. The emissary was fairly tall and wasn’t wearing the usual Spanish military garb. She wore working garb: a loose- sleeved pale homespun shirt that laced up the front, and a metal reinforced corselet made of black leather. Her shapely legs were clad in dark trousers, with high, folded-over black boots. On her head was a broad-brimmed red hat. One side was rolled up, and a jaunty red and white plume waved in the breeze. She entered the main gate of the city and approached Captain Michelle
The Emissary spoke in clear concise English, “Captain Michelle, I am Lieutenant Ana Sofia Espinoza of his Majesty’s army at your service.” “I represent His Excellency Bracomonte and I wish to discuss the terms of YOUR surrender with you!
I stood up, busted out in a loud laugh, then put my hands on my hips and smiled at her.
I walked over and was so close to her that the tips of our noses were almost touching and said,
“Are you fucking shitting me BITCH!” “You’ve tried TWICE to take the city back and you morons can’t even get out of your own way!” “Why don’t you just surrender to me?”
The gorgeous emissary raised an eyebrow and responded, “Well, if you are going to be snippy about it, then I should tell you captain, I am under orders to take you prisoner using any means that I can!!”
I look at the emissary and immediately begin sizing her up. The shapely Spaniard was about my height and seemed to probably be my weight or close to it. Her shapely firm breasts strained the material of her top enough that I could clearly see the imprints or her hard erect nipples poking into the material. FUCK! I was turning her ON!! Her dark eyes belied an air of extreme confidence and it suddenly came over me “This bitch thinks she can take me?” The emissary spoke again in a low yet confidant voice,
“I do have a proposition for you Captain” “I don’t see why so many have to die today when you and I can settle this JUST BETWEEN US.” “I propose a fight RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW” “The better woman wins and WHEN it’s me, you surrender your forces” “Do you have so much confidence in yourself Captain cxnt you would consider accepting my terms?”
She extended her right hand to me and whispered, “DO we have an agreement then?” I smiled and extended my right hand to hers as we shook and I said back to her,
“Where I come from, at times like these, you shake with your right hand and hold a rock in your left”
She tossed her head back and laughed. “It’s a shame I am going to have to beat you down Captain”
I see in her eyes a level of cockiness that on the one hand I respect and on the other just PISSES THE HELL out of me! I let the corners of my full pouty mouth begin to turn up in a wry smile and I reach up and take my hat off and toss it to the side. I don’t answer her as I then begin removing my gloves before reaching up and beginning to unbutton my shirt, all the while my dark eyes locked unwaveringly onto hers. She reaches up, removes her hat and begins to unfasten her shirt. A smile comes over her own full sexy lips as she quietly says, “I am going to enjoy kicking your fucking pirate ass Captain Michelle” “I’ve waited for this chance a very long time”
I stay silent as I finish unbuttoning my shirt and begin pulling it over my right shoulder and down my right arm, the shirt now dangling from my left shoulder as I reach across and pull it down my left arm and off over my hand, tossing it aside. I place my hands on my hips as I stand in front of her with my bare torso glistening in the moonlight, my firm beautifully formed pink-tipped breasts rising and falling. I watch as she finishes removing her tunic and then begins to bend over a bit at the waist, her bare creamy breasts dangling from her chest. I eye her carefully as she begins assuming a crouch, spreading her leg about shoulder width. I get in a similar stance and extend my arms out in front of me, mimicking her as I grin and wiggle my long slender fingers. We begin circling each other like two predator cats stalking their wounded prey, sizing it up for the final kill. Our firm breasts barely jiggle as we move, our extended arms and fingertips brushing together, sending a jolt of electricity down my spine as I shudder at her touch, biting my lower lip. We then almost simultaneously lunge at each other and our hands clasp and start to lock, our arms thrusting up just above our heads as we both begin to push and twist with our upper bodies and arms in a moonlit inspired test of strength!!!
The two of us immediately lock up, each trying to out-muscle the other as our upper back and shoulder muscles began to strain and burn, our arms quiver as we both push and twist at the same time!! The muscular definition under our wet slick glistening skin was so clear in the full moonlight as we feel the warm gasps of our labored breath flow across our facial features! The small pink nipples of our heaving barely jiggling breasts growing instantly hard as they strained to touch each other! Our bare heaving sweat coated chests grow closer together, our backs arching, legs spread and braced in this test of strength! I suddenly JERK her left arm down HARD with my left hand, twisting and spinning her torso in front of me!! I then quickly wrap my right arm around her neck and applied a side headlock on her and began SQUEEZING, gritting my teeth as our gasps were the only sounds to b heard in the heavy cool evening air! She suddenly balls up her right fist and DRIVES IT UP HARD into my tightened abs with a loud SMACK as her knuckles impact my wet slick muscled skin! I grunt out, OOOMMMPPFF!!!! I struggle to maintain my grip before letting her neck go, stumbling back a few steps, both of us bent over, our palms on our thighs as we raise our heads and our glares meet! I feel myself wincing, then coughing a few times as my abs throb and burn!
I straighten up and raise both my arms up in front of my breasts, curling my hands into tight hard fists. She begins to straighten up and bring her fists up in a boxer’s stance in kind. We both begin to slowly circle each other from left to right, the circle growing ever smaller as I quickly drive off my right foot and step down on my left and snap off my long left jab...flicking it hard at her face like a snake's tongue!! Knowing I have a height and reach advantage and a left jab second to none and I’m going to use it!!! I drive my left fist ONCE; THEN AGAIN at her chin and face, the knuckles of my left hand almost white, my fist is clenched so tight, the blood leaving my fingers! My upper back and shoulder muscles uncoiling like steel springs as my knuckles whistle at her face in a blur!!! Gritting my teeth as I twist my tall athletic frame behind the punch!! Grunting out loud!! GUUUHH!!!!
Feeling my fist first hit her chin flush with a dull CRACK! My fingers tingling and going numb for an instant! My second ramrod jab smacking her hard under her right eye!! Her head snapping back as she stumbled, almost going down before righting herself! She shakes her head as I see the trickle of blood streaking down her right cheek from the small cut now open under her right eye! She shakes her head and blinks a few times and comes at me with raised fists, driving her own left hard between my raised fists and into my chin!! UUNNGGHH! My head snapping back as my long dark pony tail swishes from side to side! I see the bright flashes and spots in my eyes for a brief moment and I plant my left foot behind me to brace myself as I keep my feet! I shake my head from side to side, blinking to clear my vision. We both then continue to circle one another with our fists upraised between us, our bare torsos glistening in the moonlight as we settle in to this bare-knuckle battle. The circling continues as we both lashed out with our left fists! Our heads snapping back as our fists find their mark as our faces contort with pain! We just as quickly follow with an exchange of hard rights as sweat and spittle fly from our heads and faces! The only sounds in the humid night air, the dull thud and crack of hard knuckles against wet, slick skin-covered bone and muscle, soft lips! Low, almost muffled grunts flowing over our lips as punches hit our bodies! Facial features are distorted as punches find their mark, blood beginning to trickle from the corner of our mouths.
We both keep our fists up in front of our chests as we keep circling each other in fairly close proximity, feinting and bobbing as this brutal, primal "slow dance" of pain, our battle of wills, continues! Our knuckles at times bumping together! Perspiration flowing freely, streaking down our bare chests and backs, our hair wet and matted as it dangles to our bare shoulders, loose strands of dark hair hanging over our foreheads and eyes! Our small hard biceps began flexing and expanding as we cock our arms at the elbows and curl our fingers so tight into our palms, our knuckles turning white as the blood can't reach our fingers, our fists are clenched so tight. I suddenly drop my left shoulder as I step into her quickly, her right fist whizzing over my head as she telegraphed it coming! I drive my left fist into her exposed navel with a loud smack, twisting it as it splats hard into her wet muscled abs! I hear her grunt and gasp, her reddened face contorts as her body literally folds over my arm and fist! Twisting my body back to the right in one fluid motion, uncoiling my right arm, my right shoulder muscles releasing as I whistle my right fist hard into her jaw with a crack, the impact numbing my fingers and hand for a brief instant! Her head twists to the side violently as my fist drives across her head, blood and saliva fly from her parted lips! Watching her stagger then drop to her knees, then all fours, shaking her head, a dark red trickle begins to appear from the corner of her mouth, a thin red stream falling like a silken thread to the ground! I glare down at her and scream
HEY BITCH? YOU GOT CABLE? WATCH THAT ON SPORTS CENTER!!!!!
I step back and watch her get up, slowly bringing up her fists as she wastes no time coming at me. I thrust out my left again but she slips the punch and drops down a bit in a crouch and she DRIVES HER LEFT FIST hard into my navel and I feel my body almost bend over her arm like an accordion! I slam a short right hook into her temple while at the same time her right fist smacks into my ribcage!. The next thing I know, I’m down on the ground on my knees and wheezing and coughing as I look up and see her standing there bent over, the stream of red still coming down her cheek in her stance, falling from her lips!
She snarls at me “GET UP Captain cxnt!”
I decide to take what she just said personally and not like a normal friendly type greeting at the company Christmas party. She lunges at me again and swings a wild right and I duck under it, driving my left fist hard just above her trousers waistband! She grunts out as I bury my hard knuckles in her toned tummy! OOOMMPPF!! She then grunts out again and my breasts seem to almost lift and fall back down as she returns my punch with one of her own to my stomach, right at my pants waistband, my flexed stomach muscles hurting as I bring my elbows in close protecting myself, my swelled nipples brushing the inside of my arms as we fight in close with our fists!
I lash out with a left, feinting with it at her face and dropping my right shoulder a bit as I step forward and send a hard right hook into her left kidney, then sending a left to her solar plexus for good measure! Perspiration adds a glow to my skin as I step back from delivering the solid 1-2 combo, stepping out of her range, crouching carefully protecting my stomach with forearms up. As she stands bent over in front of me, coughing!
I watch as she straightens up, coughing, her face red and contorted as seems wobbly on her legs. As she turns to face me……..
WHAM!!!!
I launch my tall frame off my long legs, lowering my right shoulder and screaming out like a Banshee and DRIVING MY RIGHT SHOULDER into her upper abs just below her breasts!!! OOMMPPFF!!!! I hear her grunt out and the air leave her lungs and flow over her lips with a loud WHOOSH! I wrap my arms around her as I slam into her and keep my long legs churning as I drive her back!!! I feel our entwined bodies come to an abrupt halt as we slam into a nearby wall! GUUUHH!!!!!
I quickly grabbed the Spanish beauty around the throat with both hands and begin to choke as she reaches up and grabs frantically at my wrists, trying to pull my hands free! !!
She starts to gag and keeps struggling and clawing at my arms and hands, trying to pull my hands free as I can hear the gurgling in her throat! I then bring up my right knee and BURY IT in her aching belly!! “UUUUGGHHH!” she gasps, as I ram my knee home, then, “GUUUHHH!!!” as it rips deep into her midsection again. The Spaniard’s body tried to instinctively fold over my knee, but I hold her upright with the chokehold. Then, my hands began to tighten even more around her soft white neck and her dark eyes widen in panic!!
Panic is a dangerous thing. It’s a natural reaction, but a hurtful one. It causes a person to react in a blindly self-preserving manner, one that is often inimical to the person’s actual self-preservation. In the Spaniard’s case she let her instincts take over in the right manner for her as she drives her right knee up into my tightened abs!! I immediately let go of her neck and double over, staggering back a few steps, dropping to my knees, clutching at my aching, throbbing abs as I wheeze and cough as I struggle to get air into my oxygen-starved lungs!
The Spaniard stumbles back a few steps herself and drops to her own knees, then falls forward on all fours as she raises a hand to rub her neck, coughing and struggling even more than myself for some badly needed air as she clutches her throat.
So there we both were, right in front of each other on our knees, coughing and struggling through the pain that racks our tall frames as we struggled to get our wits and senses back! It is all about will power now, all about the pain, who has the will, who has the desire!
My breasts lift and fall heavily , my taut stomach muscles hurting as I bring my elbows in close protecting myself as my swelled nipples brushing the inside of my arms. Perspiration adds a glow to my skin as I slowly straighten my torso up! I see her bent over in front of me, our knees barely a foot apart, her hands clutching at her abs as she struggles to straighten up!
Our chests heave as our faces show the pain in our beaten bodies! She suddenly lunges at me, swinging a wild right that I am able to duck under as her fist grazes the top of my head! As I duck, I drive up off my knees and slam a vicious right uppercut up under her chin! My knuckles drive her head back with a loud resounding CRACK as she flies back up off her knees and tumbles onto her bare back, hitting the ground HARD, her head bouncing on the hard ground!! The Spaniard lay still a moment, her right leg twitching a few times, unable to even roll over, her arms outstretched from her sides as blood flows freely over her lower lip and down her chin! Her eyes flutter a bit as she moans and whimpers, tears of pain trickling from her tightly closed eyes, her teeth gritting in agony! She slowly raises her quivering arms and stretches them out to me and screams “ENOUGH!!” “ENOUGH!!” “PLEASE STOP!!!!”
Harper and Anne and some of the crew come running over, Harper walking over and standing by me, kind of looking around…hands on her hips as she scuffs the ground with her boot. She places her right hand on my aching right shoulder and leans in to my ear and whispers
“Hey Chelley, how ya doin?”
I turn to her and our eyes meet as I try and muster a laugh but it hurts too much to do so. I wince, then spit some blood out of my mouth to the ground and whisper back in a raspy voice,
“I need the stuff junkies take when it takes a policeman 15 bullets to put her down” “Then I’d feel like fucking ONE TENTH better!!”
Harper laughed “I was rooting for you all along, Michelle”
I answered back in an exhausted voice, “Well, thank you, Harpy, that's what sustained me in my time of trouble”
"Can we get to the emergency room now?....STAT!!!"
The Spanish ultimately agreed to pay our ransom demands and for all practical purposes our Portobello adventure comes to an operational end.
Epilogue
Michelle’s attack on Portobello was a rousing success. The Spanish defenses could at best be described as inadequate and unprepared. President Bracamonte acted with unusual haste for a Spanish colonial official but was unable to recruit or equip enough men to dislodge Michelle’s pirates from their positions. Ultimately, Bracamonte was forced to accept Michelle’s ransom terms. In "perhaps the most successful and audacious amphibious operation of the eighteenth century" Michelle was able to act decisively and maintain order among his often-unruly women for a prize of approximately one a million pesos.
When the Spanish heard a rumor (incorrect, as it turns out) that the whole Portobello attack was simply a diversion for Michelle's French allies to attack an unguarded Panama, they hurried back. Bracamonte left behind a representative to negotiate: eventually Michelle got her 1,000,000 pesos for the city.
The ransom was brought by mules in the first week of August: bars of silver, silver plates, gold and silver coins: 1,000,000 pesos in total. Michelle kept her promise: she loaded the treasure (plus what had been found in the city), freed the prisoners and set sail, leaving the city and forts intact (or at least not damaging them any further). One of the greatest raids of the Age of Piracy was in the books. The greatest amphibious operation to that point in military history was in the books.
Legacy of the Sack of Portobello
When news spread of the attack, Spain at first sent reinforcements, but Michelle was long gone before anyone got there. The privateers once again disbanded, disappearing like smoke with individuals finding work elsewhere: the Spanish could not have their revenge. They would comeback soon enough.
Captain Michelle’s invasion of Portobello had big consequences on both sides of the Atlantic. In Europe, the on-again off-again alliance of England and Spain took a big hit. The Spanish were outraged. Even though they were technically at peace with England, the Queen of Spain allowed privateering commissions to be given in the New World. A couple of Spanish captains would take advantage of this and sack small towns in Jamaica, which in turn led to further English attacks including Michelle's legendary sacking of Panama. The Spanish were too weak to do much in any event. The great Spanish empire of “New Spain” was crumbling. Michelle knew this, just as she knew she would probably have to lock horns next with the Royal Navy and England herself eventually. It wouldn’t be long.
In Jamaica, Captain Michelle was hailed as a heroine. The raid was hugely successful: each privateer made more than he could have doing honest work in a year, and the taverns and brothels of Port Royal did booming business for a while. With each telling, the Spaniards grew tougher, the castles stronger and the loot more valuable, and the legend of the attack grew quickly. The “Queen of the Oceans”, Captain Michelle grew more powerful than ever with more ships, more men and women ready to follow her.
Her next adventure would bring her closer to the only real love in her life, the man they called the “Buccaneer”, as her travels took her to New Orleans, and the temporary solitude of a place called Barataria Bay. That love affair would be soon interrupted.
Her adventures had only just begun. America was in her sights and she had a revendevous with destiny that would shape a young nation that was calling, and a battle that would be remembered throughout history.
Next up – Chapter 5 – Michelle, Lafitte and Jackson – America is Calling, Would It Finally Be Home?
© 2014 by Michelle/Southern Cross Enterprises. All rights
-
Just incredible, Michelle. Real Hollywood stuff. Don't ever stop.
-
Excellent writing Michelle. I am looking forward to more of this story.
-
The hero of the siege of Portobello..
Carly the Wonder Dog
-
Why Pirates are better than ninjas
http://wn.com/pirates_are_better_than_ninjas_with_proof (http://wn.com/pirates_are_better_than_ninjas_with_proof)
-
Pirates 101: Fact and Fiction on the High Seas
Was Tortuga an actual pirate city? What does one do when urged to "avast!"? And did pirates really wear such thick eyeliner?
With the release of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest — and thanks to Johnny Depp, who plays the zany Captain Jack Sparrow — pirates are chic once again. Here lie some valuable nuggets of information about pirates, buccaneers and privateers:
Q. Were there pirates in the Caribbean?
Quite a lot of them, actually. The 17th century has been called the "Golden Age of Piracy" in the Caribbean. Numerous pirates plied those waters, pillaging, plundering and pilfering. Even Tortuga — the pirate city depicted in the first Pirates of the Caribbean film — existed, founded by buccaneers in 1630 on an island off Haiti.
Q. What's the difference between a buccaneer and a pirate?
A pirate is anyone who robs on the high seas. A buccaneer was a pirate who plundered in the Caribbean. The original buccaneers were French renegades who lived off stolen livestock on Hispaniola (which today is Haiti and the Dominican Republic). They smoked their meat over open fires, and so the French word for that process — boucaner, meaning "to smoke-dry" — became associated with them. This group later made their base on Tortuga and turned to piracy.
Q. Was Port Royal a real place?
A. Yes, and the town, which was also featured in the first film, served as the capital of the British community in Jamaica in the 17th century. But ironically, the Brits in Port Royal welcomed pirates initially, in part because of the money they spent but also in hopes that the pirates' fearsome reputation would keep the Spanish and French from attempting to capture Jamaica. It worked.
Q. So, the British government encouraged piracy?
Yes and no. In some cases, the British government actually commissioned seamen to commit acts of piracy, but with one catch: They were charged to prey only upon Spaniards, British rivals on the high seas and in the New World, and turn over a large portion of the stolen loot to the government. Sir Francis Drake was one such privateer (licensed pirate). In the 16th century, he plundered countless Spanish ships and ports around the Caribbean, stealing the equivalent of millions of dollars in today's money, all in the name of the British crown. To the English, Drake was a national hero. To the Spanish he was, well, a pirate.
The Spanish and French also licensed pirates to harass their European rivals, as a cheap way of waging naval warfare. But the system grew rife with abuse, since most privateers couldn't be trusted to limit their pillaging only to enemy ships. Many also balked at relinquishing any of their ill-gotten gains to their governments.
The abuses of the privateering system, and the presence of so many scruffy free-agent pirates, led to a decision by the British authorities in the early 18th century to begin cracking down on piracy in the Caribbean. Port Royal officials shifted from welcoming pirates to hanging every one they could catch. Their corpses were then displayed as a warning, like the three whom Jack Sparrow salutes early in the first Pirates film.
Q. How about the "Pirates' Code?" Any truth to that?
The first film makes much of the "Pirates' Code." When Elizabeth Swann (played by Keira Knightley) is about to be seized, she asks for a parley, invoking the "Code of the Brethren, set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholomew." Clever film fiction, right? Wrong. Turns out Sir Henry Morgan and Bartholomew Roberts were actual pirates, members of a loose confederation of buccaneers called the "Brethren of the Coast," centered on the island of Tortuga in the 1600s.
Even the code existed as a historical fact, and as in the movie, involved issues of fairness among the pirates. "No prey, no pay" was a common principle, but equal shares in the plunder was also valued. So, perhaps there existed some honor among thieves.
Q. Did pirates make their prisoners walk the plank?
It makes for great film drama, but pirates didn't actually do this — though not because of gentlemanly qualms. In fact, real pirates tended toward even nastier behavior, like gruesome tortures (holding lighted matches to a victim's eyes was a favorite) or hacking their prisoners to death with swords.
Q. Why, then, do we associate pirates with walking the plank?
We have novelists and playwrights to thank for that. Two beloved British children's classics in particular — Robert Louis Stevenson's novel Treasure Island (1883) and J.M. Barrie's play Peter Pan (1904) (which he later fashioned into a novel) — have forever linked pirates to such fictional notions as treasure maps and walking the plank.
But surprisingly, certain characteristics of Long John Silver, Captain Hook and other fictional pirates have some basis in actual history. Pirates did indeed dress in colorful garb, they prized parrots (which could fetch a high price in Europe), and they flew the Jolly Roger flag to intimidate their victims.
Q. So, pirates did look like Captain Jack Sparrow?
Probably not the eyeliner, though many pirate captains wore rich velvet waistcoats and foppish big hats with feathers. The legendary Blackbeard sported dreadlocks and liked to braid his long beard and tie it in ribbons. But lest you get a girlish image here, you should know that when attacking, he was famous for sticking lighted matches under his hat and in his beard, which set off his wild-eyed gaze and thoroughly terrified his victims.
Q. What does "avast" mean?
It's a 17th-century pirate's way to say, "Stop!" or "Stand Still!"
Q. Did piracy disappear after the 18th century?
Hardly. Nearly 300 pirate attacks occurred on the high seas last year, many taking place off the coasts of Indonesia, Somalia and Bangladesh. Though pirates today forsake the velvet waistcoats for military fatigues and the flintlock pistols for machine guns, they act as pirates have always acted — using intimidation, violence and even murder to steal all they can from ships and their crews. Despite our entrenched association of pirates with the 18th-century Caribbean, piracy has existed for as long as people have used the sea for trade, and will forever bedevil ships on the high seas.
-
I have been asked a number of times if I'd explain the different parts of a ship I keep referring to, especially in Part 1 of Chapter 4, Southern Cross versus Trinidad.
Two diagrams below shows the different sections of a typical ship of that genre.
-
But where are the hot tub and the jacuzzi? No proper pirate ship can be without these. :)
//Braveheart
The captain's cabin, which can be seen at the "poop" section (rear) of the ship, contains its own combination hot tub and jacuzzi. The model in the Southern Cross is the Aquatic Fitness Pro which retails for ~ $20,000
Aquatic Fitness Pro
The Aquatic Fitness Pro – "Fitness Swim Spa and Spa Combination"
H20© Swim Spas Launches its newest exciting product the Aquatic Fitness Pro©, delivering the ultimate swim spa exercise experience combined with the relaxation and hydrotherapy of a swim spa. The Aquatic Fitness Pro© is an exclusive manufactured product of ChooseSwimSpasDirect.com and its limited partners. ChooseSwimSpasDirect.com delivers unparalleled value to its customers because if manufacturers and sells direct to its customers through the internet, and not through dealers or retailers who mark up the product considerably, at least $15,000 higher than our prices. All our products are totally ETL© certified for the highest safety standards in the US, and use the most reliable Balboa© American control system for long term reliability and functionality.
Aquatic Fitness Pro
Sale Price: $19,999.00
Manufacturer: H2O Fitness Spas
-
Jacuzzi/Big Screen Combo for Crew Areas!
And this is just one of the many employment benefits you'll receive as a member of the Captain Michelle's Fleet!
This is why Captain Michelle's pirates are happy, contented and motivated pirates!
Are you looking for a change? Are you stuck in the proverbial "Dead end job"?
Ever consider a life of adventure on the high sees? One of robbing, plundering and pillaging?
Then consider life as a pirate, and specifically as one in the fleet of the Dread Pirate Captain Michelle!
Competitive salary and profit sharing! Medical, dental and life insurance provided!
401K with 7% matching!
If you think life as a pirate is for you......
For more employment information, application forms and benefits information, please contact us at Michelle/Southern Cross Enterprises at 1-800-MICHELLE
More on our onboard ship Jacuzzi/ Flat Screen Combos
Every pirate ship recreation area should have several of these! - the La Scala Bathing and Entertainment Centre brings together a 42-inch high-definition Plasma monitor and powerful surround sound system with the luxury of a personal spa bath. There's ample space for two in the circular, 6 ft whirlpool bath that includes ten strategically placed hydrotherapy jets for optimal relaxation and underwater lighting to soothe the senses. The entertainment package includes concealed DVD/CD/AM/FM stereo system and a floating remote control. Complemented by simple, elegant design in white, black or high-luster platinum, the La Scala is part of the limited edition The Private Collection from Jacuzzi, but unfortunately there is not yet an Australian distributor.
Dimensions: 82-3/8" L X 72-1/2" W
Features:
- 42" high-definition Plasma screen offering the finest motion picture environment
- Sophisticated surround sound system providing a true theater experience
- State-of-the-art DVD/CD/AM/FM stereo system concealed within an entertainment center
- Innovative floating remote control offering fingertip operation of the jet system, entertainment center and underwater lighting
- Ten strategically placed, fully adjustable hydrotherapy jets for optimal relaxation
- Underwater lighting to soothe the senses
- Side-by-side ergonomic loungers for exceptional comfort
- Stunning circular shape makes ideal complement to master suite or home fitness center
- Striking color choices of black, white or platinum
- Spacious whirlpool bath measuring 82-3/8" L X 72-1/2" W
As the second addition to the company's Private Collection, La Scala will only be available in limited production. Indicative of the Private Collection, each La Scala will be certified and numbered.
Again, isn't it time you became a member of Captain Michelle's crew?
For more employment information, application forms and benefits information, please contact us at Michelle/Southern Cross Enterprises at 1-800-MICHELLE. An equal opportunity pirate employer.
Sample job application is attached below!
-
michelle, did you have a Flux Capassiter on that ship? I mean a Big Screen TV with HD in 1790's ;) and the spa pool You must do time travel :) Damn the Tech back then was cool! Other than take treasures what else do you like to do as a Pirate? and if you could live in any Era which one would it be as a Pirate of course maybe in one not known for Pirates? Mo Money Mo Money Mo Money And you could give Carly a blinged out doghouse... she could wear a eye patch at your side leading the way I hope you can answer this for me :) From: your Faithful Reader Watcher
-
Dear Faithful Reader Watcher:
Thank you for your very well thought out questions. With regard to the Flux Capacitor, the answer is yes, each ship in my fleet is fully equipped with the latest in flux capacitor technology. Below is our more compact model we use on our smaller frigates of 30 guns or less, which comprises the majority of my fleet. The flagship “Southern Cross” uses a larger slightly more advanced model.
I know there are those not fully onboard with the flux capacitor technology. They say: Flux Capacitor: Utter nonsense.
I say to them the following: If we combine what the individual terms mean we are left with the idea that a flux capacitor somehow stores the flow of some current. Obviously this would be the flow of time, but that doesn't really make sense for a capacitor. I don't know any explanation of time that requires electricity, and I don't know of any use for a capacitor other than to hold an electric charge. Just because you're using fancy words doesn't mean you're saying anything fancy. The Flux Capacitor might have just been called the Turbo Encabulator. We therefore tend to use that name.
Actually, if you assume that the space-time continuum is based on a form of energy, then a flux in that energy would create a deviation that could in theory alter said continuum - and a capacitor would store that deviation (aka time) for reuse.
But we have another key issue to consider...and that is the true energy level of said deviation. By theory, the energy of said deviation could be infinite, therefore requiring a capacitor of infinite plate area, to provide the needed storage area. The total farads needed may be beyond the scope of normal super computer calculations...but.....
Then we brought the Chinese in…and all our problems were solved.
The next questions was; “Other than take treasures what else do you like to do as a Pirate?”
Yes “faithful reader”, we did do other things. In our upcoming Chapter 5, you’ll see we fought on the side of the United States in the War of 1812. We also we’re big spenders and our injection of currency into the U.S. economy at critical moments in the 18th and 19th centuries saved it from completed collapse.
As for your question “Would I rather live in an era where I couldn’t be a pirate?” I have to take exception and say, one can always be a pirate. Being a pirate isn’t just sailing on a ship and plundering, it’s a life style and an attitude that transcends generations.
And yes, Carly does have a blinged-out doghouse. It’s a Victorian style two-story doghouse and it seems to suit her quite well. Carly, the heroine of Portobello, does wear an eye patch, but only on formal occasions now.
-
Like they say Never too old to learn something new, thank you. How does one become part of your crew? and is your crew only women? I imagine if there are men on your crew it would be difficult somewhat with such beautiful women surrounding him. But, there has to be a good feeling that he has such a courageous Captain and explorer so well known and feared and respected to sail with. Your adventures are exciting. Initiation to the crew would not consist of something like Hell Week in College, is it? Like being having to run naked thru a crowd of people with an egg clenched between their butt cheeks being told as you run that said person better not drop the egg or else? If so, I will probably hate Chickens after that The little egg laying fuckers And what position would I start out with? Having your name on any pirates resume is good for their future ( just as long the pirate is not caught and hanged) *gulp*
-
Everyone spread the word Michelle does a great job entertaining us with these stories :) and hope those who have read them tell your friends so more can enjoy them as well Thank You Michelle :)
-
I love it Michelle! I gather your favorite spiced rum ain't Captain Morgan LOL!
I look forward to the series! I tried to find some pirate music as background while I read but the closest i could come to that was "Nantucket Sleigh-ride", by the group Mountain (Leslie West) about whalers so it will have to do.
Thank you for "setting the table", looking forward to what happens next!
Great job Michelle!
-
Michelle
thanks for referencing Captain Blood, I have the book on which the movie was based, lots of fun and a lot more detailed than the movie.
But you didn't answer your question was Tortuga a real place yes it was http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tortuga_Island,_Haiti (and you'll see a reference to the author of Captain Blood
And you didn't mention (or at least I can't see it if you did) the truly amazing career of Sir Henry Morgan, by turns Commonwealth (as in Oliver Cromwell) soldier (his uncle http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sir_Thomas_Morgan,_1st_Baronetwas one of Cromwell's generals) traitor to the Commonwealth (like his uncle he joined the Restoration cause under General Monck) , pirate, admiral and governor of Jamacia.
I don't think even you could beat that! (although I suspect your sack of Portabello owes a lot to the historical Morgan http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Morgan#Attack_on_Porto_Bello
-
Michelle
thanks for referencing Captain Blood, I have the book on which the movie was based, lots of fun and a lot more detailed than the movie.
But you didn't answer your question was Tortuga a real place yes it was http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tortuga_Island,_Haiti (and you'll see a reference to the author of Captain Blood
And you didn't mention (or at least I can't see it if you did) the truly amazing career of Sir Henry Morgan, by turns Commonwealth (as in Oliver Cromwell) soldier (his uncle http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sir_Thomas_Morgan,_1st_Baronetwas one of Cromwell's generals) traitor to the Commonwealth (like his uncle he joined the Restoration cause under General Monck) , pirate, admiral and governor of Jamacia.
I don't think even you could beat that! (although I suspect your sack of Portabello owes a lot to the historical Morgan http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Morgan#Attack_on_Porto_Bello
I'll take the questions in the order that they were asked....
Yes, Tortuga was a real place and is one of the islands of Haiti. It was far less civilized than Port Royal. Tortuga appeared to be generally a lawless place, one of the only places a pirate considered to be free with no governing law, despite the expansion of the East India Trading Company. One of the most popular places on Tortuga was the Faithful Bride tavern.
I have not mentioned Sir Henry Morgan in the last few chapters. I did mention him a fair amount in Chapters 1 and 2 to give some degrees of separation as a setup for future chapters. It should be obvious that much of Captain Michelle's exploits follow those of Morgan. The original Portobello invasion was done by Morgan and less than 500 pirates and I basically followed that attack historically as far as timing and sequence. It still remains one of the most amazing military operations ever conducted.
Sir Henry was a Welshman and sailed under English letters for the most part. Morgan often played both sides of the fence and was at the very least a traitor to the crown. Sir Henry was all about power and money and pretty much all about Sir Henry. I don't mention Sir Henry in recent chapters because i consider my story revisionist history in a sense. I basically placed myself in the role of Morgan in conducting his operations although he will get more mention in a few future chapters, primarily in the complete invasion of Panama and Maracaibo. Morgan's attack and burning of Panama ultimately cost him his English support. Morgan will get more mention in future chapters but his role in my work is simply to add that occasional bit of realism. Then again, I could change my mind and make him and Captain Michelle join forces. You all can wait and see how it all comes out :)
Oliver Cromwell actually gets a lot of credit for the English presence in the Caribbean. In 1655, Britain's Admiral William Penn and General Venables, pursuing Oliver Cromwell's policy of expansion called his "Western Design," wrested Jamaica from the Spaniards. Jamaica remained the English stronghold in the general area a considerable time after that. Cromwell is a fascinating character and often a subject of revisionist history for his role in "displacing" the crown in England. I have strong opinions about Cromwell that are not nor will not be the subject of these stories.
This is a "story" that is designed to take a colorful aspect of history and make it fun. I'm a satirist and enjoy tweaking the nose of history. I do this because of a basic mantra that I have.
"Those that forget history are doomed to repeat it"
I chose to use humor and satire as my way to remember this part and many parts of history. I take a dry and what is often thought to be a boring subject...."history"...and try and make it fun.....and i'll continue to do so because its a subject I love and one I was involved with academically.
Let's face it, these are pirates and they are colorful, and often at times very funny. There is a bit of a pirate I hope in all of us. If not, I feel our lives are much less fun and exciting.
-
More important it is heaps of fun; if teachers could only put half as much fun into history lessons as Michelle has every child would be keen to learn
-
Like they say Never too old to learn something new, thank you. How does one become part of your crew? and is your crew only women? I imagine if there are men on your crew it would be difficult somewhat with such beautiful women surrounding him. But, there has to be a good feeling that he has such a courageous Captain and explorer so well known and feared and respected to sail with. Your adventures are exciting. Initiation to the crew would not consist of something like Hell Week in College, is it? Like being having to run naked thru a crowd of people with an egg clenched between their butt cheeks being told as you run that said person better not drop the egg or else? If so, I will probably hate Chickens after that The little egg laying fuckers And what position would I start out with? Having your name on any pirates resume is good for their future ( just as long the pirate is not caught and hanged) *gulp*
As far as crew selection goes and “initiation, we really tried to test our crews under battle conditions. Otherwise, how would we really know? Resumes mean little to a pirate. You just generally went by feel. Our main thing was tying all new crewmembers to the bowsprit at the front of the ship for like maybe 8 hours. If they survived, we knew they wanted to be with us because we’d be going through a lot tougher times once we engaged another ship. We feel we were quite democratic in the way we did things aboard ship.
As in most facets of their lives, pirates safeguarded themselves from the less appealing features of ordinary society. We elected their officers rather than having someone else appoint them. We limited the authority of the captain and added a representative, the quartermaster, to stand up for each member of the crew, thus negating the potential of overbearing or autocratic officers dictating their lives. We pirates abolished the policy of class distinctions. Each pirate was equal to every other pirate, and each pirate had a say in all matters of importance.
Still...I was the captain and I always retained the right to hang or shoot anyone I felt was a detriment to the ship.
But honestly, most high-seas pirates were bands of volunteers who democratically elected their captains, and minimized harm to their victims in order to maximize their profits. Pirates hired many blacks as freeman during slave times, and built up one of the best branding campaigns ever. Just seeing the Jolly Roger’s skull and bones approaching would prompt surrender — the whole point of the flag logo. Pirates were outlaws, and no saints, but they were not crazy marauders, but more like shrewd businessmen.
Most of the legendary customs and behaviors of sea pirates can be explained by the dynamics of free market economics. They were governed by the invisible hand, or rather, the invisible hook.
As I had mentioned earlier, to prevent captain self-dealing, pirates democratically elected their leaders and dispersed power among other members of the crew, such as the quartermaster. Under this managerial setup a captain best served his own interest by serving his crew’s interest. If he didn’t, his crew could remove him from command. To prevent crew members from shirking, pirate organization made all crew members equal, or nearly equal, “shareholders” in the company’s profits. This strengthened the connection between each individual pirate’s effort and his individual payoff. To prevent piratical free riding, pirate articles established bonuses for crew members who displayed noteworthy courage and spotted prizes; and in some cases crew members reserved the right to vote on the share a particular pirate received. This allowed pirates to reward hard-working crew members and punish lazy ones. Pirate articles also provided workman’s compensation, which reduced private disincentives to take risks that could cause injury.
With regard to business and marketing themselves (albeit marketing in a different sense than maybe we might think of at first), very few have achieved the instant brand-name recognition pirates achieved without fancy specialists. Pirates’ skull-and-bones symbolism against a black background may be even more widely recognized than the golden arches.
If imitation truly is the greatest form of flattery, pirates should be blushing in their watery graves. The incredible range of pirate-inspired products available today–from Captain Morgan Rum, to Pirates of the Caribbean movies, to Ralph Lauren’s Rugby line of apparel–is a contemporary testament to seventeenth- and eighteenth-century pirates’ effectiveness in brand naming themselves.
-
:) :) :) :) :) :) :)
So when does this ship dock in Cuba?
Pending weather....tonight or in the morning...
-
Pirates and Economics – Free Market Warriors of the High Seas
Take a rational choice framework (to be or not to be a pirate), mix with the golden age of Anglo-American piracy, and shake well (don’t forget to add some great work by Hollywood). The resulting ideas are compelling and fun when it comes to pirates and their actions. What really motivated them?
Pirate fiction portrays seamen as choosing piracy out of romantic, if misled, ideals about freedom, equality, and fraternity, but the reality was less about utopia and more about “piratical means, used to secure cooperation within pirates’ criminal organization, rather than piratical ends, as they’re often depicted.” And just about all pirate actions will come down to this. Show me da money!
Pirates, for example, are a veritable ball of contradictions. They’re sadistic pacifists; womanizing homosexuals; treasure-lusting socialists; and madmen who outwitted the authorities. They’re stealthy outlaws who loudly announced their presence with flags of skulls and bones. They’re libertarians who conscripted nearly all their members, democrats with dictatorial captains, and lawless anarchists who lived by a strict code of rules. They’re torturous terrorists who command honest men’s adoration. Economics and, I’d argue, only economics, can disentangle this mess of piratical paradoxes.
ll these seeming contradictions came about because pirates were in unusual circumstances that produced correspondingly unusual incentives. One of the biggest differences between pirate crews and those of legitimate ships, be they merchant or military or even privateer, was the democratic governance of the pirate ship as opposed to the autocratic powers of all other captains. Were pirates just unusually progressive? Probably not; but they lacked an absentee owner and corresponding principal-agent problem. Since pirate ships were stolen, the pirate crews owned them collectively, and they had no need of an autocratic captain to align the interests of the ship’s owners with those of its crew—they were already one and the same. In that sense, their very criminality was “the source of pirates’ ability to use this system” of “democratic checks and balances.”
Pirates may have been “bad” men, motivated by ignoble desires, and even willing to use violent means to satisfy these desires. But the outcomes of their profit-motivated behavior were sometimes laudable. For example, profit seeking is what led pirates to avoid blasting their prizes to pieces. It also prevented them from wantonly brutalizing their captives. And it limited their reliance on conscripts. Of course, in each of these cases, piratical greed didn’t lead to genuine public “benefits.” Pirates’ victims would have always been better off if they hadn’t faced the threat pirates posed in the first place. But conditional on pirates’ presence, pirates’ ignoble motives–self-interested greed–softened the harms pirate victims suffered.
Pirates didn’t embrace “enlightened” values as ends in and of themselves. They embraced money. But their tireless pursuit of the latter gave way to the desirable outcomes associated with the former and did so before their legitimate contemporaries achieved anything like the same.
They were progressive capitalists when such was not cool :)
-
How does one become part of your crew? And what position would I start out with? Having your name on any pirates resume is good for their future ( just as long the pirate is not caught and hanged) *gulp*
Pirates and Building a Crew - The Basic Idea Is Economics
Contrary to popular perception, most pirates were volunteers, not conscripts. Pirates sought willing companions instead of forced men because of simple cost-benefit considerations, not because of a principled objection to using force to get what they wanted. On the one hand, in many cases pirates simply didn’t have to resort to coercion to increase their numbers. The better treatment and opportunity for vastly superior pay on pirate ships was plenty incentive for many sailors to sign on under the black flag when given the opportunity. The benefit of conscripting ordinary sailors was therefore quite low. On the other hand, the costs of pressing sailors could be very large. Forced men threatened to destroy the harmony pirates’ system of private governance was based on. Conscripts were liabilities to pirates in other ways as well. They could escape, informing authorities, or leaving the remaining crew too small to take advantage of the ship. Even if conscripts didn’t manage to escape, a crew with a sizeable portion of forced men was less likely to succeed since conscripts didn’t have the same incentive to participate as volunteers.
-
Really great story. The humor, history, and action were truly first rate! I can't wait to see how you handle the story of John, Andy, Michelle and the battle of New Orleans. I hope you mention the Kentucky and Tennessee volunteer fighters there. Keep writing and we will keep reading and enjoying your stories.
Bob,
I hope this gets us started towards answering your questions and recognizing the efforts of the Tennessee and Kentucky militias in not just the Battle of New Orleans but throughout the entire War of 1812 and especially the "southern campaign".
Little Known Facts About The Battle of New Orleans
After leaving a sizable portion of his army to occupy the various garrisons throughout the Mississippi Territory, Jackson arrived in New Orleans in early December to conduct the defense of the city that was to be the prize of Great Britain's southern campaign. Located above the mouth of the Mississippi River, New Orleans' strategic location and accumulated wealth offered a tempting prize to a British army fresh from its victory over Napoleon in Europe. Elite English forces faced Jackson's polyglot army of militia, frontier volunteers, U.S. regulars, pirates, free blacks, Creoles, and Choctaws. The Battle of New Orleans found 2,500 Kentuckians composing one-fourth of General Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson's army of regulars, Tennessee Militia Men (when President James Madison called on Tennessee to help defend the "Lower Country," Tennesseans volunteered en masse, earning the nickname "The Volunteer State." Tennessee Governor Willie Blount was asked to send 1,500 troops for the defense of the lower Mississippi region and an expedition under the command of Andrew Jackson, major general of the Tennessee militia, was outfitted in December 1812.), Creole Louisiana Militia, free Negroes, Lafitte's pirates and city volunteer militia. Although the famous Battle of New Orleans has been noted in song and celebration, the British assault on New Orleans was actually composed of several different engagements which receive little notoriety:
23 December 1814
Often referred to as the "night battle," this was the initial engagement between the British and American land forces at New Orleans. On the afternoon of 23 December, Jackson learned that a British force had made its way through the bayous to a plantation several miles south of the city. Jackson mobilized his forces and launched a daring attack at 8:00 p.m., leading the right wing (the 7th and 44th U.S. Infantry) while General John Coffee led his brigade of Tennessee mounted men on the left. The darkness of the night turned the fight into mass confusion, as friendly troops fired on each other and combat became hand-to-hand. By 11:00 p.m. the British gave ground but Jackson's forces did not pursue, as neither side could ascertain the other's strength. American losses were 24 killed and 115 wounded while the British suffered 46 killed and 145 wounded.
28 December 1814
The skirmish of the 23rd December had the effect of stemming the initial tide of the assaulting British forces and gave Jackson time to entrench his army. He established a line of defense along the Rodriguez Canal between the Macarte and Chalmette plantations. The line extended from the east bank of the Mississippi River more than a half-mile to a cypress swamp. On 28 December the British, under the overall command of Major General Sir Edward Pakenham, conducted a "reconnaissance in force" to test the strengths and weaknesses of what became known as Line Jackson. A combined force of artillery and infantry probed the American defenses and found that the left wing of Line Jackson was the most vulnerable. This portion of the line was manned by Major General William Carroll's Tennessee militia and volunteers, as well as Coffee's brigade. The inability of the English to mobilize heavier guns to the front put a halt to the attack. There were seven killed and eight wounded on the American side.
1 January 1815
As a result of the 28 December attack, Jackson fortified the left wing of his line and extended it into the woods of the cypress swamp, thus increasing its length to about a mile. Coffee's men, along with a detachment of Choctaw Indians, held the extreme left of the line. On the first day of January 1815, Pakenham once again gave orders to assault Line Jackson. The British planned to use their heavy artillery to make a breach in the line and put the American cannons out of commission. However, American batteries, some manned by crews of Jean Lafitte's pirates, proved to be more effective than the artillery of the British. In addition, English gunners ran short of ammunition (a problem that plagued them throughout the campaign at New Orleans). British infantry units attacked the extreme left of Jackson's line, but were repulsed by Coffee's brigade. The Americans lost eleven killed and twenty-three wounded.
Of course the main battle was to follow but that’s another story for another time. Chapter 5 Part 1 coming up.
-
Michelle
And you didn't mention (or at least I can't see it if you did) the truly amazing career of Sir Henry Morgan, by turns Commonwealth (as in Oliver Cromwell) soldier (his uncle http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sir_Thomas_Morgan,_1st_Baronetwas one of Cromwell's generals) traitor to the Commonwealth (like his uncle he joined the Restoration cause under General Monck) , pirate, admiral and governor of Jamacia.
I don't think even you could beat that! (although I suspect your sack of Portabello owes a lot to the historical Morgan http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Morgan#Attack_on_Porto_Bello
There is actually a little known book by of all authors, John Steinbeck, which I have read and use as a reference on pirates and provided much of the fuel for my interest in Morgan;
"John Steinbeck - Cup of Gold: A Life of Sir Henry Morgan, Buccaneer, With Occasional Reference to History"
That Steinbeck would write a book about a pirate would probably surprise most people. It is a very thought provoking work and pretty accurate on the main events of Morgan's life. As one would expect Steinbeck tells a very interesting story.
This is an excellent book for lovers of historical fiction (as I am), maritime tales (me again) and narratives and Steinbeck literary followers (guilty as charged). It is a surprisingly easy read and a book I very much enjoyed as a Steinbeck fan.
John Steinbeck's bibliography is enormously extensive, though most people have probably only heard of one or two of his works, such as his iconic "The Grapes of Wrath". It is surprising, however, that his FIRST novel, "Cup of Gold", is hardly as known at all. This is one of his few works that do not take place or reference in any way the state of California, but other than that, it bears a strong resemblance to the literary style familiar to his later works. Cup of Gold is a maritime novel, based on the life of the pirate, Sir Henry Morgan , and while some of the details and certainly characteristics and motivations are fictional, "Cup of Gold" still presents an interesting narrative of a truly fascinating historical figure, holding true to the main events of his life, and is certainly a worthwhile novel in the maritime genre sense.
Avid readers of Steinbeck's novels will easily recognize the characteristic components of his writing that make him so popular among his die hard fans and readers. While missing the expected "Californian element", "Cup of Gold" is a story of hopes, dreams and tragedy. It is a story of a lifetime spent in pursuit of an ideal that once your arms are wrapped around it, turns out to be lacking in its ability to quench and satisfy your thirst. The "Cup of Gold" holds all of Morgan's hopes and aspirations, yet when he achieves all he ever dreams of, he finds himself wanting still more and more. This theme of unsatisfied dreams and lost and fleeting hope is something Steinbeck has put to his readers again and again (it is the central theme of "Grapes of Wrath"), but always in a some new light. Perhaps Steinbeck is trying to demonstrate that the achievement of material goals by themselves is never enough to make a man or woman feel whole. Sometimes that pursuit, in Morgan's case, results in a choice, to pursue worldly magnificence over the courage to approach a single woman, and to follow the simpler road. Its a choice that can haunt one forever. These are the elements Steinbeck shows us so well in this, his initial novel.
This novel is absolutely worth investigating either by itself or to be added to a collection of Steinbeck's works. It will offer its readers both a thought provoking narrative and an enjoyable story of a life as a privateer.
Despite some of his actions being brutal and illegitimate, Henry Morgan was not a pirate, in my opinion. The Welshman was a magnificent buccaneer , certainly the most famous one . Described as a remarkable leader and a fearsome conqueror, he had a couple of legendary battles and unique tactics which brought him fame and wealth. Because of all his deeds, Morgan was a true hero of the Caribbean and the English nation.
Available at Amazon - $7.50 Kindle Edition, $12.66 Paperback, exclusive of royalties to Michelle/Southern Cross Enterprises ( i have to make my damn car payment somehow)
© 2014 by Michelle/Southern Cross Enterprises. All rights (it just looks cool and besides....my legal counsel, Dewey, Cheetum and Howe LLC of New York City are being very unreasonable with me)
-
Michelle
thanks for referencing Captain Blood, I have the book on which the movie was based, lots of fun and a lot more detailed than the movie.
But you didn't answer your question was Tortuga a real place yes it was http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tortuga_Island,_Haiti (and you'll see a reference to the author of Captain Blood
"Captain Blood" - 1935
One of the greatest pirate films ever, Captain Blood was based on the wonderful novel by Rafael Sabatini. I loved the book, and as far as I can remember, the film is pretty faithful to the original story. This very exciting film made Errol Flynn and Olivia DeHavilland stars. Michael Curtiz, the master of adventure films, directed the picture, and Erich Korngold composed the music.
The story begins in England during the Monmouth Rebellion in 1685. Flynn plays Dr. Peter Blood, who is arrested for treating a wounded rebel. Though he claims to have no political motives, Blood is convicted of treason and sent to Jamaica as a slave. He ends up working on Colonel Bishop's plantation, having actually been bought by Bishop's beautiful niece (De Havilland). During a Spanish attack on Port Royal, Dr. Blood and his fellow slaves escape, capture a Spanish galleon, and set sail as pirates in the Caribbean. Although they are pirates, Captain Blood insists that his men abide by an ethical code of conduct that, among other things, forbids the taking of female prisoners.
Finally, we meet Captain Levasseur (Basil Rathbone), a French pirate Levasseur, who joins forces with Captain Blood to increase their profits. They each set sail and agree to meet later on the Island of Virgen Magra. When that day comes, Levasseur captures an English ship that is carrying Miss Bishop as well as the King's emissary Lord Willoughby. Levasseur intends to keep Miss Bishop as a hostage while Lord Willoughby goes to Port Royal to collect a ransom from Colonel Bishop, now Governor of Jamaica. But Captian Blood will have none of it. To prevent Levasseur from laying a hand on her, Blood buys her from Levasseur with pearls. Levasseur becomes angry and a duel to the death ensues.
After Levasseur's death, Captain Blood sets sail for Jamaica to return Miss Bishop home. He learns from Lord Willoughby that King James has been replaced by King William. Lord Willoughby offers Blood and his crew a full pardon. As they near Jamaica, they see that Port Royal is under attack from the French, and the English fleet that should have been protecting the city is out chasing pirates! Blood fights the French ship and is victorious. As reward, Willoughby appoints Blood Governor of Jamaica.
The highlight of the film is the duel between Captain Blood and Levasseur, which resulted in Levasseur's death. Rathbone and Flynn exhibit excellent swordplay. Rathbone's acting, and even his French accent, was superb.
Robert Donat had originally been cast in the role of Captain Blood, but he backed out of the contract. Although 26-year-old Errol Flynn was under contract with Warner Brothers, he was virtually unknown, having had bit parts in only a few films. Olivia deHavilland was only 19 years old and also new to films. So Warner Brothers was taking a huge risk casting these two newcomers in leading roles. But the risk paid off in a big way and both Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland became stars. Basil Rathbone was already an established and popular star by this time.
With a production budget of less than one million dollars, most of the scenes had to be shot on sound stages. The only scene shot on location was the final showdown between Blood and Levasseur, resulting in the latter's death. This scene was filmed at Laguna Beach. For the ship battles, models of ships were used.
Captain Blood was nominated for four Academy Awards: Best Picture, Best Director (Curtiz), Best Sound Editing, and Best Writing/Screenplay. It did not win any awards.
As noted previously. the movie "Captain Blood" is based on "Captain Blood: His Odyssey", an adventure novel by Rafael Sabatini, originally published in 1922.
Sabatini was a proponent of basing historical fiction as closely as possible on history, and so while Blood is a fictional character, much of the historical background of the novel is based on fact. The Monmouth rebels were sold into slavery as described in the book; and the shifting political alliances of the Glorious Revolution of 1688 are used in the novel as a plot device to allow Blood's return to respectability.
The book opens with him attending to his geraniums while the town prepares to fight for the Duke of Monmouth. He wants no part in the rebellion, but while attending to some of the rebels wounded at the Battle of Sedgemoor, Peter is arrested. During the Bloody Assizes, he is convicted by the infamous Judge Jeffreys of treason on the grounds that "if any person be in actual rebellion against the King, and another person—who really and actually was not in rebellion—does knowingly receive, harbour, comfort, or succour him, such a person is as much a traitor as he who indeed bore arms."
From there on the book and the movie follow each other fairly closely. The book, by the way, is wonderful and I really recommend it.
-
Future chapters will make reference to much of this urea..an a friendship between Captain Michelle and Captain Jack Aubrey.....if that name sounds familiar.....as I have been told.....this will explain why.
"Master and Commander" is the first in the Aubrey-Maturin series featuring Jack Aubrey and the naval surgeon Stephen Maturin, set in the Napoleonic Wars. It is a historical novel by Patrick O'Brian, first published in 1969 in the US and 1970 in UK. Ship encounters in this novel draw on the naval feats of Lord Cochrane.
The novel follows the lives of three men, two who meet at a musical performance in 1800 in Port Mahon, and the third who is first lieutenant of the ship on which they sail, as Britain is at war with Napoleon's France.
The 2003 film Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, with actors Russell Crowe and Paul Bettany, was made using themes—but not the plots—from the book Master and Commander and other books in the series, including "The Far Side of the World".
The novel starts out....
"The story starts out on April 1, 1800, in Port Mahon, Minorca, a base of the Royal Navy. A shipless lieutenant wasting away in port, Jack Aubrey, meets Stephen Maturin, a penniless half-Irish and half-Catalan physician and natural philosopher, at an evening concert at the Governor’s Mansion. An offense against honour arises when Jack Aubrey gets elbowed by Maturin to stop beating "a half measure ahead" of the time while the string quartet is playing. Each man is at a low point; they exchange names and locations."
and so the series begins....
John "Jack" Aubrey, JP, MP, FRS is a fictional character in the Aubrey–Maturin series of novels by Patrick O'Brian. The series portrays his rise from lieutenant to rear-admiral in the Royal Navy during the Napoleonic Wars. The twenty (and one incomplete draft)-book series encompasses Aubrey's adventures and various commands along his course to flying a rear admiral's flag. He starts as a lieutenant, depressed, poor and without a ship until he is given his first command: a fourteen-gun brig-rigged sloop, HMS Sophie.
Most of his naval battles and adventures are drawn from actual Royal Navy history. Several of his exploits and reverses, most importantly those in the plots of "Master and Commander, The Reverse of the Medal and Blue at the Mizzen", are directly based on the chequered career of Thomas Cochrane: as his friend the botanist and surgeon Stephen Maturin mused, "There was something of Cochrane in Jack, a restless impatience of authority, a strong persuasion of being in the right.
Throughout the books, Aubrey is presented as interested in maths and astronomy, a great lover of music and player of the violin, and is generally accompanied by his friend and shipmate Stephen Maturin on the cello. Aubrey is particularly fond of the music of Corelli and Boccherini. He is noted for his mangling and mis-splicing of proverbs, sometimes with Maturin's involvement, such as “Never count the bear’s skin before it is hatched” and “There’s a good deal to be said for making hay while the iron is hot.”
Aubrey is played by Russell Crowe in the 2003 film Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World and by David Robb in the BBC Radio 4 adaptations of the novels .
This series is one I highly recommend if you enjoy stories of that era...and especially of the sea :)
-
Love your history comments, even if they come from a "Damn Yankee" and I'm glad your piratical tardis is about to set down in New Orleans -straight from the attack on Panama City.
I'd like to see you try to work in Colonel Thomas Blood somewhere if you can (think jewels)! And while I too would promote Raphael S could you give some consideration to some other writer of historical novels S Weyman (see http://www.stanleyweyman.com/) and Anthony Hope (http://www.silverwhistle.co.uk/ruritania/) though not perhaps H Ryder Haggard
Will there never come a season
Which shall rid us from the curse
Of a prose which knows no reason
And an unmelodious verse:
When the world shall cease to wonder
At the genius of an Ass,
And a boy's eccentric blunder
Shall not bring success to pass:
When mankind shall be delivered
From the clash of magazines,
And the inkstand shall be shivered
Into countless smithereens:
When there stands a muzzled stripling,
Mute, beside a muzzled bore:
When the Rudyards cease from Kipling
And the Haggards Ride no more
Did I not say I am loving your stories. shame on me
-
Love your history comments, even if they come from a "Damn Yankee" and I'm glad your piratical tardis is about to set down in New Orleans -straight from the attack on Panama City.
I'd like to see you try to work in Colonel Thomas Blood somewhere if you can (think jewels)! And while I too would promote Raphael S could you give some consideration to some other writer of historical novels S Weyman (see http://www.stanleyweyman.com/) and Anthony Hope (http://www.silverwhistle.co.uk/ruritania/) though not perhaps H Ryder Haggard
Will there never come a season
Which shall rid us from the curse
Of a prose which knows no reason
And an unmelodious verse:
When the world shall cease to wonder
At the genius of an Ass,
And a boy's eccentric blunder
Shall not bring success to pass:
When mankind shall be delivered
From the clash of magazines,
And the inkstand shall be shivered
Into countless smithereens:
When there stands a muzzled stripling,
Mute, beside a muzzled bore:
When the Rudyards cease from Kipling
And the Haggards Ride no more
Did I not say I am loving your stories. shame on me
With regard to Thomas Blood....will be the subject of a story I am writing just for "him" ...just not maybe as "Thomas Blood".....you'll have to wait for that surprise...my my...wonder who Blood will be portrayed as? LOL
In fact, one of the boldest thieves and rogues in history was Colonel Thomas Blood, known as the 'Man Who Stole the Crown Jewels'.
Blood was an Irishman, born in County Meath in 1618, the son of a prosperous blacksmith. He came from a good family, his grandfather who lived in Kilnaboy Castle was a Member of Parliament. He came from a good family, his grandfather who lived in Kilnaboy Castle was a Member of Parliament.
The English Civil War broke out in 1642 and Blood came to England to fight for Charles I, but when it became apparent that Cromwell was going to win, he promptly changed sides and joined the Roundheads.
When Charles I was defeated in 1653 Blood was made a Justice of the Peace and was granted a large estate, but when Charles II returned to the throne in 1660 Blood fled to Ireland with his wife and son. In Ireland he joined a plot with the disgruntled Cromwellians and attempted to seize Dublin Castle and take the Governor, Lord Ormonde prisoner. This plot failed and he had to flee to Holland, now with a price on his head. in spite of being one of the most wanted men in England, Blood returned in 1670 taking the name Ayloffe and practised as a doctor in Romford!
After another botched attempt to kidnap Lord Ormonde in 1670, where Blood narrowly escaped capture, Blood decided on a bold scheme to steal the Crown Jewels. The Crown Jewels were kept at the Tower of London in a basement protected by a large metal grille. The Keeper of the Jewels was Talbot Edwards who lived with his family on the floor above the basement.
One day in 1671 Blood, disguised as a 'parson' went to see the Crown Jewels and became friendly with Edwards, returning at a later date with his wife. As the visitors were leaving, Mrs. Blood had a violent stomach-ache and was taken to Edward's apartment to rest. The grateful 'Parson Blood' returned a few days later with 4 pairs of white gloves for Mrs. Edwards in appreciation of her kindness to his wife.
The Edwards family and 'Parson Blood' became close friends and met frequently. Edwards had a pretty daughter and was delighted when 'Parson Blood' proposed a meeting between his wealthy nephew and Edward's daughter.
On 9th May 1671, 'Parson Blood' arrived at 7am. with his 'nephew' and two other men. While the 'nephew' was getting to know Edward's daughter the others in the party expressed a desire to see the Crown Jewels.
Edwards led the way downstairs and unlocked the door to the room where they were kept. At that moment Blood knocked him unconscious with a mallet and stabbed him with a sword.
The grille was removed from in front of the jewels and the crown, orb and sceptre were taken out. The crown was flattened with the mallet and stuffed into a bag, and the orb stuffed down Blood's breeches. The sceptre was too long to go into the bag so Blood's brother-in-law Hunt tried to saw it in half! At that point Edwards regained consciousness and began to shout "Murder, Treason!". Blood and his accomplices dropped the sceptre and attempted to get away but Blood was arrested as he tried to leave the Tower by the Iron-Gate, after unsuccessfully trying to shoot one of the guards.
In custody Blood refused to answer questions, instead repeating stubbornly, "I'll answer to none but the King himself". Blood knew that the King had a reputation for liking bold scoundrels and reckoned that his considerable Irish charm would save his neck as it had done several times before in his life.
Blood was taken to the Palace where he was questioned by King Charles, Prince Rupert, The Duke of York and other members of the royal family. King Charles was amused at Blood's audacity when Blood told him that the Crown Jewels were not worth the £100,000 they were valued at, but only £6,000! The King asked Blood "What if I should give you your life?" and Blood replied humbly, "I would endeavour to deserve it, Sire!"
Blood was not only pardoned, to the disgust of Lord Ormonde, but was given Irish lands worth £500 a year! Blood became a familiar figure around London and made frequent appearances at Court. Edwards who recovered from his wounds, was rewarded by the King and lived to a ripe old age, recounting his part in the story of the theft of the Jewels to all the visitors to the Tower.
In 1679 Blood's phenomenal luck ran out. He quarrelled with his former patron the Duke of Buckingham. Buckingham demanded £10,000 for some insulting remarks Blood had made about his character. As Blood became ill in 1680 the Duke never got paid, as Blood died on August 24th of that year at the age of 62.
The Crown Jewels have never been stolen since that day - as no other thief has tried to match the audacity of Colonel Blood!
Below are the "Crown Jewels"......
Oooops!...sorry......I mistakenly added my pirate rubber ducky! Well....that is a crown jewel to me so deal with it!
-
good tosee you can do your homework Michelle.
Read Michelle's stories for their educational value.
-
Love your history comments, even if they come from a "Damn Yankee" and I'm glad your piratical tardis is about to set down in New Orleans -straight from the attack on Panama City.
I'd like to see you try to work in Colonel Thomas Blood somewhere if you can (think jewels)! And while I too would promote Raphael S could you give some consideration to some other writer of historical novels S Weyman (see http://www.stanleyweyman.com/) and Anthony Hope (http://www.silverwhistle.co.uk/ruritania/) though not perhaps H Ryder Haggard
Will there never come a season
Which shall rid us from the curse
Of a prose which knows no reason
And an unmelodious verse:
When the world shall cease to wonder
At the genius of an Ass,
And a boy's eccentric blunder
Shall not bring success to pass:
When mankind shall be delivered
From the clash of magazines,
And the inkstand shall be shivered
Into countless smithereens:
When there stands a muzzled stripling,
Mute, beside a muzzled bore:
When the Rudyards cease from Kipling
And the Haggards Ride no more
Did I not say I am loving your stories. shame on me
Anthony Hope - the author of my favorite story of all time, the "Prisoner of Zenda"
The Prisoner of Zenda. What a book! I still remember the day I got it from the library--an ugly old large-print hardcover--and found myself unable to tear myself away, it was so exciting and wonderful. Even if you've never heard of the book, you know the plot: English gentleman of leisure Rudolf Rassendyll travels to the small Balkan kingdom of Ruritania shortly before the coronation of its new king, Rudolf V. There's a family legend that says the Rassendylls have royal Ruritanian blood, and indeed when our hero gets to that country it becomes obvious that he and the new king are identical cousins! Tickled by this happenstance, the King invites Rudolf for a cousinly feast on the eve of his coronation...and then mysteriously disappears, spirited away by his scheming half-brother, Black Michael! The King's two loyal aides, Colonel Sapt and Count Fritz von Tarlenheim, swear that Black Michael shall never sit on the throne of Ruritania...and the only way to stop him is to put Rudolf Rassendyll there instead, pretending to be the real King! In disguise, our hero must outwit Michael and his six sinister henchmen, romance the real King's fiancee, escape multiple assassination attempts, and find a way to rescue the King from the sinister Castle Zenda!
Pardon the exclamation marks. They seemed necessary.
This book is wonderful. What with the danger, romance, intrigue, galloping through the moonlight, swimming moats, getting stabbed, and falling prey to the lovely Princess Flavia, our Rudolf manages to have a tolerably amusing time. It's an exhilarating adventure, practically perfect in every way. The characters simply ooze a dramatic sense of honour and duty:
Colonel Sapt: If that door is opened while we're away, you're not to be alive to tell about it.
Fritz von Tarlenheim: I need no schooling, Colonel.
And of course there's Rupert of Hentzau, Black Michael's right hand and chief backstabber. No other villain in the canon of Western Literature manages to be evil with this much shameless panache.
The author, Sir Anthony Hope Hawkins, better known as Anthony Hope (9 February 1863 – 8 July 1933), was an English novelist and playwright. He was a prolific writer, especially of adventure novels but he is remembered best for only two books: The Prisoner of Zenda (1894) and its sequel Rupert of Hentzau (1898). These works, "minor classics" of English literature, are set in the contemporaneous fictional country of Ruritania and spawned the genre known as Ruritanian romance. Zenda has inspired many adaptations, most notably the 1937 Hollywood movie of the same name.
The idea for Hope's tale of political intrigue, The Prisoner of Zenda, being the history of three months in the life of an English gentleman, came to him at the close of 1893 as he was walking in London. Hope finished the first draft in a month and the book was in print by April. The story is set in the fictional European kingdom of 'Ruritania', a term which has come to mean 'the novelist's and dramatist's locale for court romances in a modern setting.'Zenda achieved instant success and its witty protagonist, the debonair Rudolf Rassendyll, became a well-known literary creation. The novel was praised by Mason, literary critic Andrew Lang, and Robert Louis Stevenson. The popularity of Zenda convinced Hope to give up the "brilliant legal career [that] seemed to lie ahead of him" to become a full-time writer but he "never again achieved such complete artistic success as in this one book." Also in 1894, Hope produced The God in the Car, a political story.
This book has been made into a film five times since it was written in 1894. The 1937 version is still by far the best in my opinion.
The Prisoner of Zenda is a 1937 black-and-white adventure film based on the Anthony Hope 1894 novel of the same name and the 1896 play. Of the many film adaptations, this is considered by many to be the definitive version.
The 1937 film starred Ronald Colman, Madeleine Carroll and Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., with a supporting cast including C. Aubrey Smith, Raymond Massey, Mary Astor and David Niven. It was directed by John Cromwell, produced by David O. Selznick for Selznick International Pictures, and distributed by United Artists. The screenplay was written by John L. Balderston, adapted by Wells Root from the novel, with dramatisation by Edward Rose; Donald Ogden Stewart was responsible for additional dialogue, and Ben Hecht and Sidney Howard made uncredited contributions.
-
Love your history comments, even if they come from a "Damn Yankee" and I'm glad your piratical tardis is about to set down in New Orleans -straight from the attack on Panama City.
I'd like to see you try to work in Colonel Thomas Blood somewhere if you can (think jewels)! And while I too would promote Raphael S could you give some consideration to some other writer of historical novels S Weyman (see http://www.stanleyweyman.com/) and Anthony Hope (http://www.silverwhistle.co.uk/ruritania/) though not perhaps H Ryder Haggard
Will there never come a season
Which shall rid us from the curse
Of a prose which knows no reason
And an unmelodious verse:
When the world shall cease to wonder
At the genius of an Ass,
And a boy's eccentric blunder
Shall not bring success to pass:
When mankind shall be delivered
From the clash of magazines,
And the inkstand shall be shivered
Into countless smithereens:
When there stands a muzzled stripling,
Mute, beside a muzzled bore:
When the Rudyards cease from Kipling
And the Haggards Ride no more
Did I not say I am loving your stories. shame on me
Haggard is most well known for his wonderful novel "King Soloman' Mines" and its colorful character Allen Quartermain
Sir Henry Rider Haggard, KBE (/ˈhæɡərd/; 22 June 1856 – 14 May 1925) was an English writer of adventure novels set in exotic locations, predominantly Africa, and a founder of the Lost World literary genre.
King Solomon's Mines (1885) is a popular novel by the Victorian adventure writer and fabulist Sir H. Rider Haggard. It tells of a search of an unexplored region of Africa by a group of adventurers led by Allan Quatermain for the missing brother of one of the party. It is the first English adventure novel set in Africa, and is considered to be the genesis of the Lost World literary genre.
King Solomon's Mines (1885) is a popular novel by the Victorian adventure writer and fabulist Sir H. Rider Haggard. It tells of a search of an unexplored region of Africa by a group of adventurers led by Allan Quatermain for the missing brother of one of the party. It is the first English adventure novel set in Africa, and is considered to be the genesis of the Lost World literary genre.
It should be noted that the "mines" have a basis in reality and is not just some fanciful tale by creative author.
The biblical Solomon, a king of Israel and son of King David, was renowned for his fabled wisdom, power and his personal fortune, often described as one of the largest in the ancient world. But while Solomon’s famed wealth is a story as old as the ages, the popular fascination with locating a portion of this fantastic fortune is a far more recent affair. The idea of mines full of riches was first introduced in the late 19th century by author H. Rider Haggard in his blockbuster adventure novel, King Solomon’s Mines, whose publication coincided with a boom in archeological discoveries of ancient sites in the Middle East and Africa.
Half a century later, American rabbi and archaeologist Nelson Glueck made headlines of his own when he announced that he had located Solomon’s mines in the Great Rift Valley near the modern-day boundary of Israel and Jordan. These mines, however, weren’t filled with gold–they were extensive copper-smelting plants that Glueck maintained were the true source of Solomon’s wealth. Unable to connect archaeological evidence to biblical accounts, however, modern historians soon began to doubt Glueck’s connection of Solomon to the region’s copper production.
For the past few decades, conventional wisdom has held that the ancient Egyptians built most of the mines in the region during the 13th century B.C.—a theory supported by the discovery of an Egyptian temple at the complex in 1969. In 2008, however, researchers located a mining site in neighboring Jordan (known as Khirbat en-Nahas) that archaeological evidence suggested became operational 300 years later that previously assumed, during the 10th century B.C. The following year, another excavation identified a site in Israel’s Timna Valley, dubbed Site 30, which was home to a cooper-smelting camp also believed to have been built in same time period as the Jordanian mine— likely too late for an Egyptian settlement but squarely within the biblical timeframe for Solomon’s famed mines.
In 2013 Dr. Erez Ben-Yousef, an archaeologist from Tel Aviv University who had helped discover Site 30 while a graduate student at the University of California, San Diego, led a new dig in a previously unexamined section of the site known as Slaves’ Hill. As with elsewhere at the Timna Valley site, Ben-Yousef’s team uncovered archaeological evidence of dozens of the furnaces used to smelt copper as well as layers of cooper slag, a by-product of the smelting process.
As for any concrete evidence of King Solomon or what, if any role, he may have played in the copper-mine production in the region, the search continues: Dr. Ben-Yousef will lead another dig at the site later in 2014.
Who knows, maybe life really does imitate art.....and the mines will be found and another of the great ancient mysteries will be solved...
-
Professor Michelle at what college? lol
-
Pirates vs. Ninja Fuckers 2.0
There is a longstanding controversy on which many heated debates have been raged all around us. For many readers, my opinion on this subject is long overdue (OK OK, I've GIVEN my opinion on this subject before!). At every step I hear the masses clamoring for my logic and reasoning. (For those for whom my opinion is completely superfluous and un-asked-for, I make a humble offering of my fine world class ass to kiss!). For the rest of you, the few, the many, the proud, the readers of my literary genius, I offer my discourse on the age-old battle of PIRATES VS. NINJAS FUCKERS!
As you will divine from my writing (and the title of this brilliant piece of work should give a hint, even to the most casual of observers), I have already chosen sides, and am arguing accordingly. Even so, we must consider all sides of this argument (never say Captain Michelle isn't fair), and the respective merits and deficiencies of pirates and ninjas in a variety of spheres, or categories, or spherical categories (Spheres? Sorry..I was thinking about a boob job...my mind wandered....).
To begin, there are many different categories in which to rate our subjects (I want to thank Stanford University ahead of time for allowing me to do this study using their facilities. Its going to get me that long overdue and richly deserved Doctoral Degree and endowed chair)
The Rough and Ready Pirates and ninjas are both known for their toughness, difficulty to kill, and readiness for action. However, their rough and ready is stemmed from different roots. Ninjas are countable as rough because they are tough, and the two come hand in hand. Their toughness (defined here as resistance to being killed, combined with the fact that they can stand to wear those fucking pajamas 24/7!) is a result of many years of intensive training and prescription drug addiction. They are ready simply because they have been trained for every possible outcome. Pirates, on the other hand, have rough and ready as more of a general disposition. They are rough in every sense of the word: tough, swarthy, grizzled, crude, stubbly, smelly. Because they have no specific training--they're just sort of making it up as they go along--they are in some ways more ready for anything than even ninjas. They must expect the unexpected and be ready for--WHATEVER!
Pirates are great multi-taskers and unlike ninja fuckers are adept at using a variety of weaponry, such as pistols, muskets of a wide variety, cutlass, claymore, knives, grenades, shoulder fired surface-to-air-missles, and the list goes on. Ninjas - well can you say "metal throwing star thingies?" Again, who do you want on your asset team at work, the one trick pony that is the ninja or the pirate multi-tasker? Ever seen a ninja run a copier machine or do a powerpoint under duress? Can a ninja make the overhead projector work and interface with your laptop? I rest my case your honor!
Pirates take things as they come with one objective in mind: Get Loot (that means "loot" for the asset team cause remember, when it come performance review time your boss is going to quote you what your achievements were and without your teammates help, you are so SCREWED!). Pirates also make great crisis managers as they can improvise and think on their feet. Try that with a ninja. Need someone to make that last minute presentation to the boss? You need that guy to bring some wenches to that client dinner to impress the bastards? You go with the pirate every time! HA!
Tie, but I lean to pirates. In fact I may change my mind. Its what a good researcher does!
Kill Count Here the ninjas have the obvious advantage. Ninjas must be highly effective killing machines just to make it through ninja school. You can't imagine how cut throat ninja community college is! You know how we all made life long friends at college and established those relationships that follow us throughout our careers? You think ninja fuckers do that? Au contraire mes amis! In their favor, pirates are ruthless and may kill on whim, where ninjas only kill those of whom they are hired to dispose. However, ninjas kill A LOT. Generally, that's their objective.
Pirates just want to loot (Its capitalism in its highest form. Consider us pirates as being the Goldman Sachs of our era. We didn't give a shit about your home mortgage rate or your God Damn 401K! FUCK IT! It was all about our year end BONUS!) , and killing comes as an unavoidable by-product. And when ninjas want to kill someone, they DO it. The guy is dead before he knows there's anyone else in the house. Pirates would be more likely to kill someone in a fight, or accidentally swing their cutlass through some innocent bystanders whilst attempting to loot a poor village, and not care.
Winner: Ninjas
Fashion Sense This is not only a battle of pirate duds vs. basic black but individuality vs. conformity. Ninjas are all in black, all the same. HOW CAN THEY EVER HOPE TO ACCESSORIZE? You can only wear the same stuff with black so long! Granted, this helps them do their job (try sneaking up on anyone in bright red bandana and bangle bracelets, cutlass clanging at your side) and protects their identity, important in the assassination field (unless you want to make some cash doing that all important interview on NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams). But the ninjas really have no identity (boring). They're all perfect killing machines... all of them. One is interchangable for another. For me, it's Ants Syndrome. When you see one ant, he's kinda cool. Cute, even. But when you see a lot of them, all crawling different ways, it's gross. Same with ninjas. When you see one perfect killing machine, it's cool. But a lot of them, all the same, and it's not that cool anymore. They're a dime a dozen. In short, THEY'RE WEARING FUCKING PAJAMAS! That's not to say killing in one's pajama's is a bad thing, but seriously? And the metal star thingies they throw? Are you shitting me? Before one of those little fuckers could wind up and flick one at me I'd blow his ass away with my pistol! Let's see a ninja fucker duck a musket ball!
Pirates don't run the risk of losing coolness if there's a lot of them because they're all different. They're all their own person. Even within the realm of pirates, there are many different types and styles of dress, from the Fashionable Sophisticated Dandy (Johnny Depp) to the Lowly Scurvy Grog-guzzling Bestubbled Grunt, to the Crazy Old Pirate Captain With A Pegleg And A Hook And A Glass Eye And A Million Stories. You can mix, you can match, you can create your own. Be your own pirate! Pirates, as many of you don't know, were the very first to "accessorize' and any woman knows how key that is to life in the big city.
Winner: Pirates
Boss-Employee Relations Like countless Americans, I'm not really clear on what a ninja is. Sometimes I get them confused with samurai. But here's how I see it: Ninjas are mercenaries, so they go from boss to boss, being paid to kill so-and-so. When under a certain boss, they give complete loyalty. They would commit suicide before divulging mission information. If their boss orders them to commit suicide, they do that too without a peep (sounds like a damn clique to me).
Pirates are mercenaries, too. At least, they're mercenary. They work for profit and profit only. Mostly, piracy is a "look out for number one" type deal. Your Captain won't look out for you particularly, except enough to keep you from mutinying, and you only look out for your captain insomuch as she causes the whole outfit to be profitable in the first place. If she gets too out of line, or doesn't make enough money, you can always mutiny (as a whole crew) or just leave (as an individual). (Though leaving may be tough if you're out on the high seas. You might find yourself dead first.) Ninjas don't have the option of backing out or changing the people in power, since their code (BUSHIDO, unless I'm mistaken) dictates crazy amounts of honor and loyalty.
Bottom line, ninja's are not good team players. Would you want a ninja fucker on your asset team at work? Really? Really Now? Try getting that fucker to run your economics on that deal the team is working on before a deadline. Try getting a ninja to take clients out and make small talk at that all important "client suck-up" dinner! Ever seen a ninja fucker pick up the tab at dinner??
Winner (Company Loyalty and Smooth Workplace Transactions): Pirates (ninjas can be loyal but lets face it, blind loyalty hasn't worked since the old Soviet Union)
Winner (Possbility for Promotion and Fringe Benefits): Pirates by a wide margin
Focus on Objectives Pirates have a lot on their minds. Though their basic objective (Get Loot, Pillage, grab an occasional wench. Its alot like it was for some of you guys in college, am I right? Get money from Mom and Dad, Party, Get Laid! Dr. Phil aint got nuthin on me!) is clear, there's a lot of thought that goes into making sure they get the most loot possibe. At all times, they must be thinking about their Captain--is she the right Captain for me? Does she do "threesomes"? How does she look in a bikini? Is she getting us enough loot? Am I getting a big enough share of that loot? Is the Captain, or any other crew member, going to kill me? Am I going to kill the Captain (not likely you pussies), or any other crew member? Do others on the crew feel the way I do? Is mutiny an option? How are other crews doing? Do they have better health and medical benefits? How does my 401K stack up to theirs? Would it be more profitable to join another crew? Not to mention their fashion qualms. Is the "one-earring" look right for me? Red or blue bandana? Tri-cornered hat--cool or tacky? Am I attracted to members of my own sex? What if I had a parrot? What cleans parrot shit best off my stylish tunic? Will the colors fade?
Ninjas have their clothes decided for them (it's black or nothin'), their mission set out and their pay non-negotiable. Because they have utter loyalty to their higher-ups, they don't waste any time second-guessing their superiors' decisions. They just carry out their mission.
Winner: Ninjas but if I was boss I would prefer the individuality of the pirate. What if the boss was a psycho? You would want that pirate there standing up to him/her and saying "Enough is enough and we workers have rights!"
Profitability Anyone who hires ninjas has to be rich, like that guy in the James Bond book (that Goldfinger fucker, another one-color no fashion sense loser. That was kickass, by the way.) They're a pricy bunch. However, they are a bunch. You're going to end up hiring assloads of ninjas, shitloads of ninjas! Dividing up all the pay, they get maybe the equivalent of ten bucks an hour. Can someone spell for me "INCREASE IN THE MINIMUM WAGE!" If they're lucky they'll get 10 busks that is! Pirates, on the other hand, are all about profitability. If they're not making what they'd like to, they find another crew. Why the hell not? THERE IS NO "I" in TEAM! That or kill the Captain (not on my ship motherfucker), if her strategies are unprofitable, or she's keeping too much of the loot for herself (don't even go there). Likewise, the Captain makes sure she has the smallest crew possible to carry out her missions, so the loot doesn't have to be divided as many ways (I didn't get that MBA for nothing!). Really profitable pirating outfits won't want to take on any new crew members, if they're doing fine the way they are. There's a lot of factors, really. Damn! I just had a great idea for the Maxis corportation! SIM PIRATE!
Winner: Pirates
b]Fun Factor[/b] Let's face it, being a pirate is just more fun than being a ninja. Ninjas require a lot of schooling and often have to give their own lives for the greater good (God Damn what a stupid idea, sounds alike like fucking socialism to me). Who wants that? Pirates are just looking out for their own best interests, so they have more money, and do more of what they want, more of the time. True, there's a higher chance of you being killed by one of your co-workers, bosses, or numerous enemies. But if you survive, you've got a tidy pension to have fun on for the rest of your life. And in the meantime, looting and pillaging is just good times. if you're really lucky, you might get to serve under Captain Michelle where its like a toga party every night! She also matched up to 7% on your 401K!
Winner: Pirates
Overall Winner: I think the numbers speak for themselves. PIRATES!
-
BLACK SAILS REVIEW - STARZ Series
Something in us loves a pirate. Of all the world's brigands, the pirate is the most romantic, the one whose way of life represents a breezy alternative to our drudging own. What child does not know how many men sit on a dead man's chest?
They have been in the movies at least since D.W. Griffith's "The Pirate's Gold" in 1906, and you lately may have felt the franchise that is "Pirates of the Caribbean" brush your shoulder as it made its way through the marketplace. There has been the occasional TV movie, as well, but a full-fledged pirate series has been long in coming. And now we are going to have two of them, in short order.
"Black Sails", in my opinion, is nothing short of brilliant, a darker Pirates of the Caribbean for the small screen. Not only is the acting fantastic and moving, even in the very first episode, but the setting, costumes, script, among numerous other aspects are simply breathtaking. I felt like I was being fully enmeshed in the life of a pirate in the 18th century. This didn’t feel like a simple television show. The tale grew larger than it’s smaller screen and felt much more like a big screen box office movie, something along the lines of Pirates or Master and Commander. Mark my words, this television show will be making waves.
It is the 18th century during the Golden Age of piracy, and New Providence is a lawless island controlled by the fiercest pirates roaming the seas. In Black Sails we follow the crew of Captain Flint as they pillage ships for treasure, searching for the greatest treasure of them all, a ship owned by the Spanish said to hold a king’s ransom worth of gold and treasure on it. We see the lives of the different crew members, from the feared captain himself to the lowly cook, who holds a secret of his own.
I thought the visual effects were stunning, if a bit gory at times. The initial battle scene will send shivers down your spine. Though we get a good loud battle scene at the beginning of the first episode, however, the show is not mostly comprised of piratical murder and mayhem. The show's creators, Robert Levine and Jonathan E. Steinberg, chose to give the show a bit more historical depth, including political and philosophical issues among its' story lines. So, you won’t be getting any parrots on shoulders or “Aargh matey”s. The elevated content adds a much needed depth to a show that could easily have been ridiculous and farcical.
The show also has a superbly talented cast. Toby Stephens (Jane Eyre) leads as Captain Flint and does a fine job of it. His dramatic portrayal of the trials and difficulties of being a pirate captain lends itself to the more serious note of the show. He demonstrates the precarious nature of his position among the immoral and dangerous pirates, and the desperation one would feel to keep that position when to lose it would mean one's death. The semi-heroic Flint, captain of the fictional ship "Walrus" is a complex soul; he's a dreamer, he's a schemer, and he's got a line on the biggest haul ever. With his share he seeks to found and defend an agrarian utopia where "civilization," whose coming he can smell like salt on the sea air, cannot touch him. We know how that turned out.
"They're not animals," he says of his crew (who are better behaved than Vane's). "They're men starved of hope; give that back to them, who's to say what could happen."
Adding some female ingenuity and cleverness to the cast is Hannah New playing Eleanor Guthrie, the daughter of the head tradesman on the island. She shows that a woman can wield power just as well as any man, and also adds a sense of vulnerability to her character at the same time. She will be one to watch in the coming season. Maybe even better is there is also, which should delight many, an abundance of female nudity, so expected by now that one imagines a Standards & Practices department whose job it is to ensure that not 15 minutes go by without a bare breast or buttock. You just have to love it and the times, they are a changing. There is an attempt to write this off by making all the female characters with speaking parts — including Bonny and big-time fence Eleanor Guthrie (Hannah New) — tough and self-directed, a match for the men in everything but muscle mass. But a lot of it is just "The Girls of 'Black Sails.'" And isn't that just the way it should be at times?
As for romance, I was less than impressed with that aspect of the show. There is a contrived liaison between the young cook and one of the prostitutes, Max, played by Jessica Parker Kennedy, whom you might remember from The Secret Circle, but it really has more to do with the secrets they both share than anything else. It would also seem that Max is in some kind of relationship with Eleanor, but we’ll see where that goes.
Overall Impression
If you want a show about the real history and struggles of pirates in the 18th century with just a dash of treasure hunting, then this is the show for you. It takes a realistic approach to the myth of the dashing pirate, and shows us the gritty truth. I thought the first episode was quite good and am looking forward to seeing how it moves forward. It is certainly unlike any pirate story we’ve seen on the big or small screen yet. I would definitely recommend giving it a try
-
As we approach "National Talk Like A Pirate Day"....and for me to get off my ass and publish Chapter 5....I thought I'd publish the column that started the craze by one of my favorite columnists, Dave Barry of the Miami Herald
The countdown to National talk Like a Pirate Day begins now!
Arrrrr! Talk like a pirate -- or prepare to be boarded
BY DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 8, 2002.)
Every now and then, some visionary individuals come along with a concept that is so original and so revolutionary that your immediate reaction is: ''Those individuals should be on medication.''
Today I want to tell you about two such people, John Baur and Mark Summers, who have come up with a concept that is going to make you kick yourself for not thinking of it first: Talk Like a Pirate Day. As the name suggests, this is a day on which everybody would talk like a pirate. Is that a great idea, or what? There are so many practical benefits that I can't even begin to list them all.
Baur and Summers came up with this idea a few years ago. They were playing racquetball, and, as so often happens, they began talking like pirates. And then it struck them: Why not have a day when EVERYBODY talks like a pirate? They decided that the logical day would be Sept. 19, because that -- as you are no doubt aware -- is Summers' ex-wife's birthday.
Since then, Baur and Summers have made a near-superhuman effort to promote Talk Like a Pirate Day. As Baur puts it: ``We've talked like pirates, and encouraged our several friends to, every Sept. 19, except for a couple where we forgot.''
And yet, incredibly, despite this well-orchestrated campaign, the nation has turned a deaf shoulder to Talk Like a Pirate Day. In desperation, Baur and Summers turned to me for help. As an influential newspaper columnist, I have the power to ''make or break'' a national day. You may recall that almost nobody celebrated Thanksgiving until I began writing about it in the 1970s.
I have given Baur's and Summers' idea serious thought, looking for ways to improve it. One variation I considered was Talk Like a Member of the Lollipop Guild Day, on which everybody would talk like the three Munchkins in the film version of The Wizard of Oz who welcome Dorothy to Munchkin Land by singing with one corner of their mouths drooping down, as though they have large invisible dental suction devices hanging from their lips. But I realized that would be stupid.
So I have decided to throw my full support behind Talk Like a Pirate Day, to be observed this Sept. 19. To help promote this important cause, I have decided to seek the endorsement of famous celebrities, and I am pleased to report that, as of today, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt, Oprah Winfrey, the Osbournes, Tiger Woods, Ted Koppel, the Sopranos, Puff Doody and the late Elvis Presley are all people who I hope will read this column and become big supporters. I see no need to recruit President Bush, because he already talks like a pirate, as we can see from this transcript of a recent White House press conference:
REPORTER: Could you please explain either your foreign or your domestic policy?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Arrrrr.
To prepare for Talk Like a Pirate Day, you should practice incorporating pirate terminology into your everyday speech. For example, let's consider a typical conversation between two co-workers in a business office:
BOB: Hi. Mary.
MARY: Hi, Bob. Have you had a chance to look at the Fennerman contract?
BOB: Yes, and I have some suggestions.
MARY: OK, I'll review them.
Now let's see how this same conversation would sound on Talk Like a Pirate Day:
BOB: Avast, me beauty.
MARY: Avast, Bob. Is that a yardarm in your doubloons, or are you just glad to see me?
BOB: You are giving me the desire to haul some keel.
MARY: Arrrrr.
As you can see, talking like a pirate will infuse your everyday conversations with romance and danger. So join the movement! On Sept. 19, do not answer the phone with ''hello.'' Answer the phone with ''Ahoy me hearty!'' If the caller objects that he is not a hearty, inform him that he is a scurvy dog (or, if the caller is female, a scurvy female dog) who will be walking the plank off the poop deck and winding up in Davy Jones' locker, sleeping with the fishes. No, wait, that would be Talk Like a Pirate in The Godfather Day, which is another variation I considered (``I'm gonna make him an offer that will shiver his timbers'').
But the point is, this is a great idea, and you, me bucko, should be part of it. Join us on Sept. 19. You HAVE the buckles, darn it: Don't be afraid to swash them! Let's make this into a grass-roots movement that sweeps the nation, like campaign-finance reform, or Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I truly think this idea could bring us, as a nation, closer together.
But not TOO much closer. Some of us will have swords.
-
If Chapter 5 ends up like it started in the partial copy you emailed me earlier today, I can't wait for the final! I'm expecting it this weekend! Hurry! LOL
I'll be posting it tonight....part 1 of Chapter 5....hope you enjoy it.....
-
The following is Chapter 5 Part 1 and MY NEWEST CHAPTER of my continuing series on "The Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main and Dread Pirate Michelle" Michelle and her fleet have decided for a little action in Puerto del Principe, Cuba and get a surprise in the form of a French frigate. Again. Many thinks to those of you who have supported my writing of this series and I sincerely hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have loved writing it. As always , any comments, suggestions, cheers and jeers are welcomed as I am always looking to try and make this series better and more entertaining.
So here we go with Chapter 5 Part 1!!
Chapter 5, Part 1 – The Sexy Sluts and Captain Michelle Make for Cuba – The 50 Shades of Captain Michelle - "Southern Cross" and the "L’Insurgente"
Time: Sunrise, December 15, 1814
Place: Captain Michelle’s cabin on her flagship the 54-gun frigate “Southern Cross”
Location: the northern cost of Cuba, approaching the "Port of Puerto del Principe" after leaving Havana.
"Puerto del Principe" was the first harbor on the Island of Cuba visited by Columbus (on November 18, 1492) during his first voyage of discovery, and called by him Puerto del Príncipe. In November 1511, Diego de Velazquez was sent by Columbus, son of the great Admiral and Governor at the time of Santo Domingo, with an expedition of four ships and 300 men, to conquer and settle the island. Here in 1514, in the same harbor Columbus had named Puerto del Príncipe he planted a colony and gave to it the name of "Santa María Puerto del Principe".
Why Puerto Del Principe? Michelle had been asked that question for weeks now. Even her trusted lieutenants Harper, Annie and Mary didn’t know. Everyone was simply following Captain Michelle’s orders without question. They all trusted her and she had never steered them wrong, always leading them through each and every "storm" they had ever faced. Michelle had heard stories of a treasure so great, so vast, it would make all they had plundered to date pale in comparison. She now had as close to “proof” of that treasures existence as she could ever have dreamed of. She had eyewitness accounts and SHE HAD A MAP! The treasure in question was the legendary “Cock D’Oro”, the famous “Golden Cock” (I aint talking a rooster here folks!) and associated treasures. It was left by an ancient and sacred Mayan civilization and was widely considered to be a treasure that you could not put a price on. It was not just ANY COCK, but a COCK OF SOLID FUCKING GOLD!! When I say huge, this fucker was HUGE! Legend had it , this cock was SIX METERS LONG AND A METER IN DIAMATER (Now I ask you, did you really HONESTLY think a story with Michelle in it would last this long (sorry, no pun intended) and there be absolutely NO talk of a COCK? SERIOUSLY? REALLY NOW?)
What no one but Michelle knew was she had confided in Harper and told her of her plans and the treasure. She asked Harper if this time she was being irrational, taking too big a chance and putting the lives of she and the crew under excessive if not insane risks. As they stood on deck one afternoon when the "Southern Cross" was caught in a hurricane and it looked like the ship would be destroyed, she asked Harper,
“My God Harper, what have I done?”
Harper answered,
“What you had to do. What you always do.…you cheat death….then turn death into a fighting chance to live."
“BESIDES, IT'S A BIG COCK!” “I MEAN COME ON CHELLEY!” “YOU KNOW YOU AND COCK!!”
So Captain Michelle was on a quest, a quest for her own vision of the “Holy Grail”. Michelle also knew it would be a quest that would be fraught with danger and surprises. But that was why she became a pirate and why she was the captain!
I am awake before dawn, 0500 a.m., the bells striking two times, almost seeming far off and then a moment later very near. The most devout moments of my life have been spent in bed early in the morning listening to those bells. They flood over me, drawing me out of myself. I know where I am suddenly: part of this ship and happy. I lean out of the window and am washed by the cool sea air, air it seems that no one else has yet breathed. I was where I wanted to be, the only place I called home…. this ship, the sea.
THREE BELLS IN the morning watch found the “Southern Cross” sailing steadily northeastward along the twenty-third parallel with the wind just abaft her beam; she was heeling no more than two strakes under her topgallant sails, and she could have set her royals, if the amorphous heap of merchantmen under her lee had not determined to travel very slowly until full daylight, no doubt for fear of “tripping over the lines of longitude” or losing our bearings. The sky was still grey and it was impossible to say whether it was clear or covered with very high cloud; but the sea itself already had a nacreous light that belonged more to the day than the darkness, and this light was reflected in the great convexities of the topsails, giving them the lustre of grey pearls. God I love the sea!!…
As always, I took my morning walk on deck walking by the morning sentry and smiled “Good Morning Ailes” “How goes the morning?”
Ailes was one of the younger ladies of the crew, but always ready with a smile and a salute, although ceremony was something Captain Michelle hardly stood for on the “Southern Cross”
“Wonderful Morning Captain Ma’am!” Ailes replied as she saluted while Michelle walked by.
We seemed so far away from the fire that seemed to be enveloping the world at this time. War raged in Europe as Napoleon had escaped from Elba and raised another Grande Armée de la République as the Allies struggled to mount a resistance led by Wellington. Another war raged in America as England and the United States were locked in a death struggle once again (can’t we all just get along?).
Captain Michelle had just left Havana after meeting with her long time friend, Captain Jack Aubrey of the Royal Navy. Michelle and Aubrey first met when both served aboard ship under Lord Nelson and it’s a friendship that transcends the woes of war. Aubrey was sent to negotiate with Michelle to bring her pirates into the war with England against America. It was a task Aubrey hated as he secretly admired the new young country and he much preferred searching the oceans of the world looking for French ships and prizes. He was glad he would be able to stay out of it the American conflict but he was asked by the Admiralty to talk to Michelle and he obeyed. England wanted Captain Michelle’s on their side, pirate or not.
Despite some of her actions brutal and illegitimate activities, Captain Michelle was not a pirate in the evil sense. The Scotswoman was a magnificent buccaneer , certainly the most famous one . Described as a remarkable leader and a fearsome conqueror, she had a couple of legendary battles and unique tactics, which brought her fame and wealth. Because of all her deeds, Michelle was a true hero of the Caribbean. She also knew she didn’t need England, England needed her.
He was happy to see his old friend and he already knew what her answer would be and where her heart was. Part of him hoped the war with America would end soon and she wouldn’t become involved. Events in Belgium would hopefully see to that. First, The United States and England were already negotiating an end to the war in Ghent, Belgium. It also appeared that the allies would settle a score with Napoleon once and for all, also in Belgium. Rumor had it armies were massing on either side of a small town called Waterloo. Two of the greatest battles in military history were about to explode and finally bring the world peace, Aubrey hoped.
As he made preparations to sail from Puerto del Principe in his ship, the Sophie, he wished in many ways he could have stayed with her and become one of her pirates. Such is the stuff dreams are made of. But Aubrey was of England, it was his home and he was a Royal Navy officer. His loyalty was unquestioned. But like his friend Michelle, that word “friend” meant everything. He was glad to be sailing away in spite of his longing. It just wasn’t the right time. He remembered their final words together as she asked him who he thought was going to win the war with America. Aubrey repiled,
“I’d speculate that England will prevail as always. Emgland always prevails”
Michelle smiled at her old friend and replied,
"Speculation is a poor form of investment and equally poor form of politics."
“I’ll take my chances on America Jack” “I think Vegas has them at 3 to 2”
Jack laughed out loud as he knew that somehow in his heart of hearts, Michelle was probably right. She always seemed to be right and knew things before he did. He wasn’t afraid to admit she was probably a better captain than him too. Michelle still wondered about the offer Aubrey had made her. A captaincy in the Royal Navy, her very own “ship of the line” and crew was indeed attractive. Those Royal Navy uniforms are pretty stylish overall, she thought; if they would only design one that showed my tummy a bit and had a little cleavage I might take their offer more seriously. Michelle said to herself,
“It was so refreshing to work with someone who'll throw a saddle on a gift horse rather than look it in the mouth”
Michelle’s second home was England and there were days she longed for life in London again. She so missed Jack and his wife; they were like family to her. There were, however, stronger forces pulling her though. She had sat up many a night and read and re-read the United States Declaration of Independence. She wondered “Was this for me? My crew?” Could America be that “firm” deck under our feet instead of the shifting waters of an often unforgiving ocean? She then read the letter she got from her close friend Jean Lafitte. His words moved her and the two often were of one mind. She longed for him, and for America. She woke finally from her daydream and found herself gazing out over the bow railing over the open seas. The following is from Captain Michelle’s journal for that faithful day:
I walked back to my cabin after my early morning stroll on deck and opened the door, turning to see the morning sunrise flowing through the bay windows.
As I entered my cabin, I noticed “her” clothes on the floor, leaving a trail towards my bed. Following it with my eyes to see where it ended I saw “Annie” sprawled naked on her back on my bed. Her hair was shorter, a slightly lighter auburn streaked with stunning gold highlights flowing like a waterfall, pouring down her right shoulder. The black silk sheets were pulled around her waist leaving her glorious perfect sensual up-turned breasts on display.
I remembered the first time I had met Anne Bonney…
Captain Michelle: “Dear lady, what do they call you?”
Anne: “Annie when they’re sober, a whore when they’re sauced. But NEVER lady”
Anne Bonney meeting Captain Michelle in Port Royal in 1794.
I call her “Annie”, if anyone else did she most likely would shoot them or run them through. That’s my Annie.
Annie took what she wanted from the world and never made any apologies. She and I were alike in so many respects. Annie had her beginnings as an illegitimate child, through her volatile coming-of-age as a misbegotten aristocrat, rebellious daughter, and hot-tempered teen. But it is her transformation to a cutthroat pirate who pined for seafaring adventure, enduring love, and the lasting bonds of friendship that showcased Bonney's true spirit. That is what truly endeared her to me.
Licking my lips, I began picturing herself suckling on her small pink nipples, as I stripped off my pants, tossed my plumed hat aside and began unbuttoning my shirt. Our eyes locked on each other’s, hers lighting up as she watched me slowly, seductively undress at the foot of the bed. I finally was standing there in only my matching bra and panties and black thigh highs (courtesy of Victoria’s Secret in Havana), reaching up and grabbing the loose end of the black ribbon that held my long dark chocolate brown hair back in a ponytail. Feeling it cascade down over my bare shoulders and down my back as I pulled the silk ribbon free. I reached behind me and unfastened my bra, my firm rounded aching breasts falling free, my own nipples growing harder and more erect instantly.
Looking around, I suddenly got this wicked smile on my face. I walked over and plucked one of the long peacock feathers from the vase on the floor in the corner. My bare feet danced across the wooden floor as I made my way back to the bed. I crept back towards the foot of the bed and noticed she had covered her eyes with a scarf – it did make the game more fun and sexier. Standing about a foot from the edge of the bed I slowly raised the feather, held it above her body and thought of where I wanted to start. Should I start with her feet, her legs…..those long luscious legs that never seemed to end…..or should I start where my lips wanted to be??
“Decisions, Decisions!”
I’m pretty sure Annie realizes the real power her pussy possesses. As a wise woman once said,
"Power is a lot like real estate. It's all about location, location, location. The closer you are to the source, the higher your property value."
The closer you got to Annie’s pussy, the more the power increased and its value became immeasurable.
I then lowered the feather and waved it ever so slowly back and forth in front of her face like a fan. As Annie’s eyes moved from side, following its movement, her eyes lit up and widened like saucers, the corners of her sexy mouth turning up in a wry smile. I wanted to drive her insane, take her to the edge of heaven and hell all in a matter of moments. She knew I could do it too. Her body softened beneath the delicate touch of the feather dancing across her cheek and down her neck. The feather skillfully guided by my hand as I skirted it across her skin and made her coil against the bed. Moving it lower to her breasts, the cool touch of the soft tip making her nipples harden even more so.
I concentrated my gaze to her breasts; she had beautiful pert mounds that I always found irresistible to touch. Leaning close I flicked the tip of my long wet sexy tongue across one of her nipples. Instantly Annie whined softly and squirmed. I had learned early on in our relationship how sensitive she was when her nipples were lavished with attention. She became very responsive to the slightest touch and I loved to tease her!
Swirling the tip of the feather across and under her breasts, taking each in turn, I knew Annie craved for more. She wanted to ask for more…but at this stage she dare not speak. She didn’t want the game to stop; and neither did I. She bit her lip trying to resist asking for me to suck on her flesh, to purse my soft lips around her sensitive buds, those plump pink nipples and just suckle. It was what she wanted right now, and I knew it…but I made her wait…just a little longer. Didn’t some sadist say once,
“Good things come to those that wait”
Moving the feather lower, swirling invisible patterns against her abdomen with the feather tip as Annie’s flesh rippled. She tried to keep still, but the tickling made it very difficult. I loved watching her squirm as she tried to remain motionless as I taunted her skin and smiled. I rewarded her gallant attempt to obey me with a deep suck on her right protruding nipple, Annie gasping beneath my mouth. I suckled gently; flipping my tongue across the tender flesh and I could feel Annie’s body tense beneath me. I was becoming intensely aroused myself as I could feel the moisture growing rapidly between my thighs but I resisted touching myself and letting her touch me. At this point, driving Annie to the edge of insanity by taunting would make my own climax so much more intense and enjoyable, as it would her own.
I lifted my face up and pulled my mouth away from her aching breast, releasing her throbbing, tingling nipple from my wanting lips, getting up off the bed and walking down to its foot. Annie had playfully reached down and again pulled the silk sheets back up over her body to just under her neck with both hands. I reached up and grabbed the sheets Annie was clutching, and gently, slowly pulled them back down her body, down over her abs, thighs, knees and feet, finally off the foot of the bed. I wanted to get another good look at that amazing body I had admired for months. Annie's skin glowed in the soft lamp light, creating shadows along her firm sinewy muscles. She lay there, completely naked, the beauty of her sending a flood of burning need through me. She smelled wonderful and her scent only increased as I pulled the sheet down her body. I loved her naked and raw, with just her own perfect odor satiating my senses.
I climbed up on the foot of bed and got to my knees, her feet just down between my legs, and I began to drag the feather ever so slowly along the inside of her right ankle, knee and then the inside of her right thigh as I crawled my way up along her sexy frame, moving like a predator cat on all fours. I then ever so softly dragged the tip of the feather along her wet labia, the moving the soft feathers in a light brushing motion over her pussy, creating a scintillating touch that teased her in an excruciating caress. I watched the feather dance across her mound, then down between her legs, across her labia and back down her inner thigh. Her body trembled beneath me and I grinned wide as she writhed and moaned.
“OH GOD NO!!” Annie cursed through clenched teeth.
I reached up with my left hand and using my left thumb and forefinger I began to gently spread her outer lips apart as I let them traverse her wet labia up and down I then began twisting the feather between her outer lips, her body shuddering as she screamed out
"OHHHH, OH NO!! OH GOD!!! NOT THERE!”
I flicked the feather lightly over her clit. The sensation was unbearable – as I used the lightest touch, but not enough to bring her off too fast, not enough to get over the edge. I wanted to push her so close to the edge but not over it. The warmth of the soft pads of my fingertips against wet mushy folds of her skin caused Annie to continue moaning quietly. I drew invisible lines up and down her thighs with my two fingers, and then fleetingly brushed my fingers across her sex. Her wetness was becoming intoxicating to me. It gave me a high when I felt her creamy excitement. Some sort of depraved satisfaction enveloped me, knowing I could make her wet so easily. My own excitement just skyrocketed when I pressed my fingers against her folds, making her wantonly moan.
“OHHH I'M BEGGING YOU! OHHHH I CAN'T STAND IT!"
she screamed as I tickled her opening, the feather teasing the wet, mushy soft folds of skin. Her arousal grew more and more intense and I was LOVING it, her thighs quivering, her chest heaving, her face flushed and contorted in both pleasure and agony. RIGHT ON THE EDGE!! – And I intended to keep her there for as long as I could!! Now who says Captain Michelle is a not giving girl?
As the end of the feather got wetter it became even more rigid and I was able to slide it deeper inside of her and over her clit easier, moving it back and forth over her swollen spasming nub.
The ends of my mouth curving up gently, my dark eyes widening as they meet Annie's. Each of us now the object of a desire that has finally become too overwhelming for us to keep fighting any longer. I tossed the feather to the side as a tingling sensation shot up along the curvature of my spine, goose bumps forming on my torso, shoulders, upper back and arms as I slide my own arms around her slender waist. Staring.... mesmerized as we gazed into each other's eyes, Anne gazing in my face with those burning and languid eyes of hers, inching forward ever so slowly, my arms sliding more so around her waist as her arms draped around my neck. Our wanting lips growing closer and closer, gasps of shallow warm breath flowing across our soft cheeks, our lips so close we can feel the warmth emanating from their fullness, their desire, God------the heat! Yes-----the HEAT!! Our hot lips beginning at first to travel over our soft cheeks, moving towards that inevitable contact. Less
than a
millimeter away now from the longing lip-to-lip contact we so much desire, we ache for! My arms wrapping around her, pulling her tighter to me and at the same time lifting her up a little. Feeling our breasts begin to press tighter, enjoying the nipple-to-nipple contact, while our breathing made our aching breasts heave and swell even further. Annie moaned and her glazed eyes closed for a second. She opened them and then stared hotly down between us at our at our almost form-fitting curves, smiled sexily at me with a glowing face and her lower lip clenched between her teeth, our chests rocking ever so slightly together. Our fleshy suppleness touching, our hard erect nipples tingling, almost straining for the touch they desire as we feel our bodies slowly lowering to my bed.
I slowly lay down on top of Anne's own body, letting her feel my weight as she stretched out her toned frame under mine. I could feel every cleft, every curve, and every rippling muscle, which exposed me to a total, all-embracing, sweat dripping body massage that went right to my crotch. I grabbed both of Anne’s wrists and pulled her arms up above her head and pinned them to the bed. I then spread her legs wide with my own long legs, grape vining her and stretching her arms further over her head. I moaned joyfully and let my groin slide hotly up and down between Annie's sweaty thighs causing our crotches to squeeze together rhythmically. Slowly I allowed myself to feel, to kiss the softness and the warmth of Anne’s lips. My white-hot, wet wanting tongue sought entrance through her soft creamy moist lips and was not denied. Both of us could feel the pain, the ache of desire that had stayed locked in the center of our beings for so long, slowly bubble over at the surface like a slowly erupting volcano. We had each ached so long to feel the other and there was no stopping us now.
I leaned into her and parted my full lips, letting them barely open at first, then letting them gently dab at Annie’s a few times. I then gently brushed over hers once more before slowly letting them settle over hers as my mouth began to cover those lips I have desired for so long. I then begin to press against her lips with some light pressure at first as a soft moan flowed over my lips and then over her own as I began to inhale her very essence. Feeling my chest expand against hers, then feeling my long wet sexy tongue slowly began to snake its way over my lips and between the creamy lusciousness of her mouth as our kiss started to deepen. Letting my tongue playfully dab at hers a few times at first, then feeling it slide over hers, exploring it. I then let my tongue begin wrapping around hers and start to wrestle with it. Our tongues locked together in a lover’s embrace as we let them begin to thrash about on our mouths. I let my mouth gently suck at her tongue...feeling it being pulled between my lips as my moans intensified as I let them squeeze her tongue, then release it a bit and then letting my lips clamp on it and suck it gently and slowly back between my wanting lips again. Repeating this as I work at almost fucking her tongue, so almost wanting it to cum in my mouth. Our lips press tighter still as the moans come from deep within us. I finally let my lips soften their pressure against hers and I begin to release her oh so abused tongue. My lips finally began to part a bit as I released our passionate kiss...
My stretched my tall frame out over hers as I pulled my face back, my body throbbing with desire. She laid there, a fine sheen covering her body, her breath still ragged and the pulse pounding in her throat. Our eyes locked together in a longing gaze as she smiled and spoke softly
“Why Captain, if I had known you kissed like that I would have come to your cabin a lot sooner”
I titled my head and laughed at her words, leaning in and kissing the tip of her nose and whispering,
“Well, I could pull rank on you…BITCH”
Annie giggled and whispered back,
“Ooooooh!” “I love it when you pull rank and ORDER me!” “Can you break out that crop of yours?” “You gonna put your leather on?”
I grinned evilly at her and said "AND FOR MY NEXT TRICK…………"
I looked at Annie almost appraisingly, letting my tongue slide slowly over my upper lip as I arched my right eyebrow. I grinned and arched my lower back as I let my crotch grind and twist against hers, feeling our warm wet juices begin to mix as our thighs begin to be coated with our essence. Annie had one of the most beautiful bodies I had ever seen, with swelling up turned breasts, threatening to burst her tight shirt open, firm, shapely ass and long, strong, slender legs. My left arm had slid up under hers while my right arm had drifted down, my right hand covering her supple left breast, my long slender fingers almost kneading the firm flesh of that perfect breast, her aroused pink nipple teasing the flesh of my palm. I let the hand slide down and move over the contours of her abs, my sensitive fingertips stopping on occasion and pressing into the firm muscles under the taut skin. Her skin felt beautiful, warm and inviting, and I let my hands play further downward, caressing every inch. My hand moving down still further as it glides down between her thighs, feeling the moisture content increasing as my fingers extend, searching. My forefinger and index fingers gliding along the glistening sheen that covers the folds of skin, letting them spread them apart a bit as they glide along the sensual path.
I bring my mouth down and let my face center itself over her left breast. I look up at her one more time and gave her a quick wink before I circle her nipple with my tongue, and then gave it a light flick. Continuing to grind, I moved her mouth down to Annie’s left breast, my pursed lips gently blowing across her. Annie’s breathing was becoming more and more labored and I knew she was close to climaxing. I stopped all my movements, took one of Annie’s breasts in my mouth.... my lips riding up and down over Annie’s firm breast.... sliding up along her nipple before popping off of it...my lips then settling over the excited nipple again as I worked my way once again down the nipple and out along and down the sides of Anne's excited heaving breast. Then with my right hand I plunged a finger into Annie’s soaking wet center and thrust her thumb against Anne’s clit. Annie cried out in ecstasy. I had expected Annie to climax as soon as I entered her, and was surprised that the she was still begging for more. I added another finger and started to drive them in and out of Annie with a gentle yet ever increasing force...rhythmically forcing my long slender fingers deeper.
"Michelle!!!" Anne’s scream echoed in the room as she arched into the pressure that I was was applying...her body lurching again as the screams flowed over her dry parched lips as the orgasm flowing thru her again and again!!!
Her body convulsed against mine the waves completely overcoming her as I simply let go and fell crashing over the edge. The explosion was blinding, a free fall of fire and pleasure rippling through her entire body. Her hand had slide down between my thighs. She felt her fingers play and tease the swollen flesh, glistening with my excitement only made her juices flow more. Annie dipped her thumb into the entrance of my wetness, pushing firmly and slowly she swirled gently. Annie intensified the game when she replaced her thumb with her long fingers, pressing them deep inside of me, teasing my walls, probing for that spot that would make me cry out. It got the reaction she commanded and I arched her back and bucked against her touch, screaming her name out loudly as my orgasm shook me to my very core!!
“FUCK!!!...ANNIE!!!.... FUCK!!!”
We writhed and shook in each other’s arms, clutching each other tightly, the only sounds our rapid gasps of breath.
When her breathing settled and I felt her body relax slightly I began again. I caressed her inner walls with my fingers, teasing her, feeling her muscles tighten around my digits as I explored, wanting her so badly again. With my other hand now moved to rest on her mound, I brushed the soft pad of my thumb across her clitoris. She was wet with the sweet nectar that oozed from her as I played. Swapping my thumb for fingers, I gently pried open her folds to expose her ripe, juicy bud and suckle. Annie twitched and writhed, the muscles in her thighs trembled and once again she felt the heightened pleasure start to build in her core. Panting hard and nearing orgasm, Annie was almost there. I could feel the tensing of her sex muscles until she finally gave in and released again, screaming and panting!
I stopped all my movements and removed my fingers slowly and gently from the warm center they’d nestled in. I moved my face over Annie’s torso, lacing her flesh with a gentle kiss here and there on the way. When I pressed my lips to hers she responded greedily, opening her mouth to his searching tongue. She gave me a deep, branding kiss. It was firm and was what we both wanted and needed as I collapsed against Annie’s hot body and we nestled in to a warm embrace.
We woke a bit later, lying on our sides when she spoke
“Wow recess is almost over. We’ve gotta get you back to school, don’t we?”
I held her closer to be and gazed into her sexy eyes longingly and said,
"That was great Mom. Can you go make me some pancakes now ?"
She looked into my eyes and whispered,
“Do you think…If we never did anything we shouldn’t do, we wouldn’t feel good during the times that we did the things we should do…Right Captain?”
I laughed and leaned in and kissed her gently and whispered.
“"Annie….before sex, we help each other get naked and after sex you only dress yourself. The moral of this story: In life, no one helps you after your FUCKED!”
The Southern Cross returned to sea on December 20. When the ship unfurled her sails and spread her wings it was not unlike an eager hawk set free. If the winds were with us, there was no stopping her. On the eighth, Captain Michelle noted in her journal: “Very squally disagreeable weather the past twenty four hours, with rain and a strong head sea.” The crew was set to knotting and splicing as the frigate stood on her tacks between Havana and Santiago, with no vessels in sight. For two days the horizon was strangely clear of any sails; but at midday on February 9, about five or six leagues northeast of the island of Nevis— Alexander Hamilton’s birthplace— the lookout hailed the deck to report that he could see a single ship in the south, hull down and standing to westward. The Southern Cross immediately hauled her wind and gave chase. Scrutinizing the stranger through her long glass, Captain Michelle could see that she was a very large ship, with a soaring pyramid of canvas. In her journal he noted: “I take her for a large ship of war, possibly French”
At half past twelve, just minutes after she was sighted, the stranger altered course, bringing the wind onto her quarter and standing to the northwest. She soon passed under the Southern Cross’s lee, at a distant of about five leagues. With aggressive maneuvering it was within Michelle’s power to bring her into action. She did not know what ship she was— she could be English or even French— but she was determined to close to signaling distance, if not closer. Secretly she hoped it was French as she wasn’t ready for war with the English
Although Michelle did not yet know it, the chase was the French 64-gun frigate "L’Insurgente", the ship that had fired into and captured the American naval schooner Retaliation in November. She was reputed to be one of the fastest ships in the French navy. Rather than sailing for Europe as Michelle had been led to believe, she had sailed north into the Bahamas to hunt British merchantmen. Three weeks earlier, she had been chased by the American ship Constitution, but managed to escape. If she had escaped the Constitution, she must indeed be something special. Captain Michelle knew the Constitution well, and her Commander Isaac Brock. He was in her eyes, next to Jack Aubrey, the best sailor on the seas
The L'Insurgente Captain, Michel-Pierre Barreaut, called for his glass, went aloft, and stood on the foretopsail yard to have a look at his pursuer. That she was a frigate, the Frenchman had no doubt. What he did not yet know was whether the pursuer was American, English or pirate. What he did know was he had an English ship in the harbor of Peurto de Principe and possibly another enemy frigate outside the harbor. He looked over to his lieutenant and said,
Barreault: “We have two catch-22 situations simultaneously. Is there even a name for that?”
Lieutenant: “How about a catch-44?”
Barreault: “And you made lieutenant with that bit of brilliance?” “Huh Einstein?”
Lieutenant: “If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, have you considered becoming a guillotine operator?"
Barreault: “It looks like I'm eating everyone's shit. I'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this!” “What’s French for WE’RE FUCKED?”
In any case, he had no intention of closing with her, and every intention of avoiding an engagement even if it required him to flee. The French were numerically inferior in the West Indies and their priority was to preserve what naval force they had on the station. A frigate could do more for France’s cause by destroying enemy commerce than by engaging an enemy man-of-war or worse yet, pirates. He suspected this was the Southern Cross and he had concerns about taking her on based on what the ship had done to the Spanish frigate, the 74-gun Trinidad.
TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 5, PART 2
© 2014 by Michelle/Southern Cross Enterprises. All rights reserved
-
"I laughed, I cried, I nearly pulled my male genital organ off,"- Dr. Stephen Maturin, FRS
Patrick O'Brien would be so proud. Fantastic writing. Hollywood callled - they want your number, Michelle.
//Braveheart
I'm in the book...I'll commute from San Francisco if need be...I'm just not a SoCal girl...LOL
Happily Maturin was a medical doctor and could implement some repairs...although in 1815 I doubt his reattached you-know-what would function to his satisfaction....medicine back then being what it was.
-
"I laughed, I cried, I nearly pulled my male genital organ off,"- Dr. Stephen Maturin, FRS
Patrick O'Brien would be so proud. Fantastic writing. Hollywood callled - they want your number, Michelle.
//Braveheart
For the uninitiated:
Stephen Maturin, FRS, /ˈmætʃʊərɪn/ is a fictional character in the "Aubrey–Maturin" series of novels by Patrick O'Brian. The series portrays his career as a physician, naturalist and spy in the Royal Navy during the Napoleonic Wars, and the long pursuit of his beloved Diana Villiers.
Maturin was played by Paul Bettany in the 2003 film "Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World" and by Richard Dillane in the BBC Radio 4 adaptations of the O'Brian novels.
n 1800 he travelled to Minorca with a patient who died there, leaving him penniless and stranded at the start of the series. A chance meeting with Jack Aubrey gains him the position of ship's surgeon aboard HMS Sophie, a fictional brig-rigged sloop-of-war whose silhouette & exploits are modeled after those of the HMS Speedy.
As a measured advocate of Catalan independence, and a resolute opponent of Bonaparte's tyranny, Maturin had become involved in intelligence gathering, and eventually becomes a renowned (to those in a position to know) secret agent, though he never accepts payment for his services.
As well as his activities as a physician and agent, Maturin is a celebrated naturalist (a member of the Royal Society) with a particular interest in birds, and the discoverer, on a remote and uninhabited island in the Indian Ocean, of the hitherto unknown species of giant tortoise Testudo aubreii.
He experiments with drugs, becoming an addict of laudanum (in The Letter of Marque he states his own "moderate dose" is "a thousand drops", when twenty-five drops is a usual dose for a man in pain; in Desolation Island it is implied that he daily takes eighteen thousand drops). After overcoming his opium addiction he switches to coca leaves, as well as khat and tobacco. He can play the piano and the flute in addition to his preferred instrument, the cello.