DATE: THE NIGHT BETWEEN TOURNAMENT DAY 4 AND DAY 5
TIME: 2:14 AM
PLACE: The Kardashian Beach Fighting Ring
Introduction:
The challengers, or as Kris Jenner calls them, 'The Gang of Four' aka, Hayley Atwell, Sofia Vergara, Brooklyn Decker and (a last second replacement for Alexandra Daddario) Scarlett Johansson follow Kris from the Kardashian Beach Bungalow down a palm tree lined path to the beach. Beside them, coming off the back porch and forming up parallel, are the Kardashian's (Kourtney, Kylie & Kendall Jenner, with Kim & Khloe Kardashian). Atwell's women are dressed in white bikini's of various cut, style and design, but uniform in that base color while the Kardashians are in black, also unmatched, each chosen to accentuate her own physique, but of the same basic dark shade.
Neither group looking at, or even acknowledging the other until they reach the beach where the 'Gang of Four' stop in their tracks to gape in awe at the sight awaiting them! On the beach, just above the high tide line, a grove of four palm trees formed a nearly perfect square. Tied to one tree, stretching to and wrapped around each of the other trees, were three one inch thick Manila Hemp ropes to form a makeshift ring on the soft, beach sand. The slack ropes sagged in the middle, but rose at the corners where they were wound three times around each trunk before running back to be tied to the first tree.
From one tree to the next above the ring, strings of white LED bulbs illuminated the ring, adding to that of four floodlights positioned at the crown of each tree. Around three sides of the ring - the open side faced the ocean - were rows of logs with a flat top for spectator seats. All were occupied by women who'd attended the party that began after the days last fight and had been going non-stop since 10PM.
As the combatants reached the ring, the audience stood to applaude. Mother Kris Jenner, leading the procession, smiled proudly as she marched to the ring, bent and slithered thru the ropes, pausing to take a microphone from her young assistant.
“Thank you for coming to my little soiree this evening,” she said, deftly forgetting the 'evening' was more than half gone, with sunrise only hours away. “I'm afraid I lured these beautiful young women,” she gestured toward Atwell, Vergara, Johansson and Decker with a sweep of her right arm. “her under false pretenses. They thought this would be a showdown with my girls,” she made the same introductory sweeping gesture toward her five daughters. “OK, don't panic, there WILL be good old fashioned beach fights tonight... involving these 9 lovely young women,” she continued. At that moment, two of the Kardashian's young maids, one in a white dress with a black apron, the other in black with a white apron, appeared carrying trays with bubbling glasses of Champagne.
The white clad maid stopped in front of Atwell's group, the black dressed maid presented her tray in front of Kris's daughters. “This isn't a showdown, it's not... really... even a competition. It's a friendly exhibition of ability for a select audience. And, no, I don't mean you ladies,” she laughed. “I mean the 'judges' who will be scoring the bouts tonight. But first, a toast,” she stepped to the ropes and took a glass from the black clad maid's tray; her girls did likewise. Atwell, after a brief hesitation, took one from the white dressed maid's tray and indicated her women do so as well.
Once everyone had a class of bubbly, Kris faced the white suited 'opponents' and raised her glass, “To friendly competition... may the better woman prevail!” She upended her glass and downed the liquid in one gulp. The Kardashian Klan and Atwell's women drank a bit more daintily, but all finished their drinks and returned the glasses to the trays.
As the servers departed, Kris resumed her talk, “The reason I have judges tonight, is because this is the first 'audition' for a new celebrity wrestling league I'm in negotiations to create. If all goes according to plan, sometime in the next twelve months, we'll go global with the most daring, exciting, and groundbreaking, female celebrity wrestling shows ever produced.” She winked at the nine young women as the crowd muttered, mumbled, and whispered excitedly among themselves. “I'm afraid I can't give you details yet, but I'd like to introduce three women who are not only involved in the venture, but are also the judges for tonight's... exhibition.
“First, a woman who needs no introduction; a world famous film star, Oscar-winning actress, and married to one of the most influential men in Hollywood, she has her own talent scouting business seeking actresses for roles in 'action' films and TV shows. Please give a warm, Santa Monica greeting to Ms. Catherine Zeta-Jones!” CZJ stood to gave a curt bow to Kris, then waved to her fans before she sat back down.
“The second judge also is known to you; she's won championships in celebrity boxing, has participated in celebrity wresting, and all that while starring in hit television shows. She also scouts talent for martial arts and acting jobs, as well as actresses for work in action films, Ms. Catherine 'Cat' Bell!” Like Zeta-Jones, Cat acknowledged Kris, and waved to her fans in attendance, then sat next to CZJ.
“The final judge is a woman who recently competed in the 'Queen of the Beach' and while she didn't succeed at there, she is one of the most recognized women in the world of professional wrestling. A highly successful businesswoman as the Chief Brand Officer of WWE, she's currently commissioner of the WWE's weekly show, RAW... Ms. Stephanie McMahon Levesque.”
Steph rose to bask in the adulation of the businesswomen other successful females in the crowd, many of whom stood as they applauded her. Almost as an afterthought, as she sat, Stephanie remembered to wave offhandedly to Kris whose face darkened at the, obviously intentional, slight.
Recovering quickly, Kris continued, “These three will be assessing each of our competitors on: ring presence; technical proficiency; show business acumen; teamwork; wrestling moves and holds; and their “Q factor” which, I'm told, has something to do with how well the viewing audience likes them.” She shrugged and joked, “But then, I don't understand a word of that.”
When the laughter subsided, Kris explained, “The bouts tonight will be conducted under the rules of the WWE, in other words, professional wrestling. But since there are no cameras, and no network censors, with only you mature adults as their audience, we'll forego the more troublesome restrictions and do this much as two women would in the privacy of their own gym, or basement.”
Murmurs of disquiet rippled through the crowd. “But not to worry folks,” Kris said. “There'll be a referee and, to maintain a modicum of safety, the judges agreed we'll conduct the fights under what are called....Stephanie, please correct me if I get this wrong....Lumberjack rules?” McMahon gave Jenner a thumbs up.
“For those of you unfamiliar with Lumberjack rules,” Kris went on, “it means the ring will be surrounded by other wrestlers whose duty - in the event a wrestler leaves the ring... voluntarily on her own - or due to an action by her opponent - will be to return her to the ring...by force if necessary!” The murmuring in the audience increased dramatically as the import of the rules became clear.
Kris smiled sincerely and added, “Of course, these kinds of events have potential for shenaxxxxns by friends, or supporters, of one woman or the other. For that reason, the judges have decided to limit the number of 'Lumberjacks' to three on each side of the ring, a total of twelve in all. They will come from, first, the nine women you see here, so each side will be represented. And since at any time two of them will be in the ring fighting, we need five more 'Lumberjacks' to ensure we always have twelve surrounding the ring. In the unlikely event one or more wrestlers, or lumberjacks, is injured we've arranged for twelve more to stand by. Replacements, if any, will be drawn by lot from a bowl - which we all hope won't be necessary.”
“The five additional lumberjacks, and lets give them a hand as they come out... first, Jennifer Lawrence!” Loud applause greets the young actress, herself a 'Queen of the Beach' contestant.
“Second, Jennifer Love Hewitt, another of the 'Queen' contestants.” More, and possibly louder than Lawrence's, applause for the petite, buxom, brunette.
“Third, Jessica Simpson!” The little blonde fireplug came bouncing out in her stars and stripes bikini, her 'stars' bouncing and jiggling wildly. The women in the crowd loved her! “Jess is another of the 'Queen of the Beach' contestants who's, sadly, already been eliminated,” Kris added with a snarky tone.
“Our fourth added lumberjack is none other than the gorgeous Mexican actress, Salma Hayek!” Like Simpson, Salma knows how to make an entrance - hers being in a bikini even smaller, if possible, than Simpson's. Jess and Salma engage in a brief stare-down, before they take their places on opposite sides of the ring.
“Our fifth and final lumberjack,” Kris says...pausing dramatically, “is another woman who competed in the 'Queen of the Beach' tournament, Miss Lindsey Pelas!”
They just keep getting bigger and bigger, everyone must be thinking as the biggest pair of juggs so far come bouncing out of the back to join Lawrence, Hewitt, Simpson and Hayek ringside. The fans are on the edge of their logs as they lean forward to get a better look at the five beautiful women who, soon everyone expects, will be engaged with one, or more, of the wrestlers trying to force them back into the ring!
“Two more items of business before we get the show underway,” Kris says. “I know you are all wondering who'll referee for the matches. And given the 'animosity' between these two groups of women, we expect our referee may have her hands full. So we've signed two women who will alternate the bouts. Should one be injured, or unable to continue for any reason, the other can step in to finish for her.
“First up, you all know her from the big screen, and you've seen her in the 'Queen of the Beach' ring only a day ago. Please give a warm welcome to our first referee.... Charlize Theron!”
Charlize came out looking a bit sheepish in black and white striped boy shorts and a matching jog bra. Unlike the bosomy actresses and singers, Theron's small, firm, perky breasts (34B) were firmly constrained in her sports bra, although there was a jiggle in her famous ballerina developed glutes that put lecherous smiles on the faces of several women whose proclivity for their own sex made Kris smirk as she enjoyed Charlize's obvious discomfort.
“Our second referee is another refugee from the 'Queen of the Beach' ring; let's all give a big hand to Abigail Ratchford!” The busty (36E) green-eyed, brunette, Pennsylvanian peeked nervously around the corner of the curtain, then stepped out and the crowd fell silent.
As the 5'8” Ratchford walked up to stand beside the nearly 5'10” Theron. They couldn't have offered a more stark contrast. Hair: Charlize, blonde; Abigail, brunette. Bust: 34B to 36E. Weight: 121 & 130. Age: 42 to 25. Referee experience: 1-0! That's right, Theron refereed a single bout in the Queen of the Beach (and not too well at that). Ratchford candidly admitted she's “never” refereed any at all!
“The final order of business before we get to the fun and games,” Kris said, her voice quivering with excitement, “is to decide who faces who in the ring. We - I mean the judges - went back and forth on this and in the end, rather than let the women choose who they'll fight, THE JUDGES felt drawing lots was fairest. After all, there's four of them, and five of us.” She paused, then added, “I guess one of my girls will miss out on the fun,” she joked again, though no one laughed.
“Stephanie McMahon will draw a name from the black box containing the names of my daughters; and Catherine Zeta-Jones will draw a corresponding name from the white box containing all four names of the challengers. To determine the order of drawing, Catherine Bell will flip a coin which has been painted white on one side, and black on the other. We'll flip the coin for each bout to ensure things are kept on the up and up.”
Cat Bell flipped the coin high in the air and let it fall on the sand at her feet. “White,” she announced so all could hear. Without waiting for instructions, Catherine Zeta-Jones lifted the lid and reached the white box and pulled out an envelope, opened it and read, “Sofia Vergara.” Sofia stepped forward and walked over to the ropes, then swung a long leg over the lowest point and stepped into the ring. While McMahon prepared to draw the name of her Kardashian opponent, Vergara started a series of warm-up exercises.
“Her opponent is....” Stephanie paused and smiled. McMahon was drawing out the suspense, “...Kris Jenner!”
“WHAT! NO...” Jenner screamed. “That...that's not possible. My name's not supposed to be in that box. Look again!!! DAMMIT McMAHON... you double-crossing bitch. You're fucking with me...”
The audience, stunned by the announcement that 61 y/o Kris Jenner would fight 44 y/o Sofia Vergara, burst into laughter at her plaintive wail at the idea she'd get her famous, and generously endowed, ass kicked in front of a hundred or so of her close friends! Kris started toward the raised platform where McMahon, Bell, and Zeta-Jones were sitting to judge the fights. She got about ten feet when her feet flew up in the air, her sandals coming off as she dropped on her butt in the sand! Her microphone cord reached the end of its tether and yanked her backward.
The crowd roared with laughter, which made Jenner even more angry! She dropped the microphone, scrambled to her feet and resumed her righteous storming toward McMahon. Stephanie, a trained professional wrestler 20 or so years Jenner's junior, kicked off her shoes and hopped down to meet her face-to-face. Bell and Catherine Zeta-Jones exchanged terrified looks, then leapt down and ran to intervene before everything went to hell! They just managed to reach Stephanie before she slugged Kris - which would doubtlessly have ended the evenings “entertainment” before it began.
As the two Catherine's separated them, Vergara stood at the nearest ropes inside the ring, leaning over the top rope, laughing her well-developed Latina ass off! Stephanie shoved the envelope in Kris's face and yelled, “Read it bitch! Who's name is that? Who?”
Jenner looked and blanched, her face going pale. She shook her head, muttering, “No....no....it can't.... no. Damn, this can't be happening to me... not tonight of all nights!”
By now, the other Kardashian's had rushed to mom's side and were passing the envelope around. They asked each other if that was her handwriting, and they all said it wasn't. Then Kris whirled around and stormed toward Charlize Theron, grabbed her hair and dragged her squealing back to McMahon and showed her the envelope. “That's YOUR handwriting isn't it?” she demanded. Charlize didn't reply and Kris snarled, “Tell me that's yours or we'll beat it out of you. Kim! Get over here!”
“Just a second,” Cat Bell said. “Let me see it.” She studied it a few seconds and shook her head. “It's not her handwriting. I've got a shoe box full of lov.... uh... her letters... for a...um...book...yes, that's it, a book I'm writing! She's provided background for it, if you must know. I'd recognize her scrawl in a second; this is way too legible to be hers. Sorry.”
She handed the card back to McMahon who glared at Jenner. “We have our first match,” Stephanie said. “Vergara versus grandma Jenner. You each have one minute to get ready before the bell. Oh, and Kris, I suggest you get out of that moo-moo and into something more fit for wrestling. You wearing underwear? That's about all you've got time for.”
“No! Please, this isn't right,” Kris whined. “She'll kill me. Look at her, she's twice as big and must weigh....”
“Hey Puta!” Sofia interrupted Kris's whining. “Watch your mouth old lady. Nobody talks about my weight. If you wanna say something about the size of anything, you better compliment these teta's. Anything else earns you a worse beating than the one I'm already gonna give you.”
“Wait a minute,” little (5'0”) Kourtney piped up. “Its really NOT fair - let alone entertainment - to put a 60 year old woman in a fight with a 40 year old woman who's trained. How about you let me help Kris. I don't think it'd be unfair to have a lil' ol' girl like me in there with her, would it?”
“No deal,” Stephanie said. “Wouldn't be sporting for one thing, and for another,” she said as she walked slowly around Kourtney checking her out. “You probably weigh almost as much as Vergara. What are you, 140?”
“AM NOT!!” Kourtney yelped. “I'm about, um... somewhere around, wa.....dee...”
“Huh?” Bell and Zeta-Jones grunted in unison. “Couldn't quite make that out. Would you please repeat it.”
“Won..(mumble)..tee,” Kourtney said, her face flushed red.
“OK, whisper it to me then,” Stephanie said. “Otherwise we'll never get this show on the road.” Kourtney rose on tip-toe and whispered in McMahon's ear. Stephanie looked dubious and shook her head. “You haven't weighted that since high school. Oh, fuggit! Get in the ring.” Vergara opened her mouth to protest, but Stephanie pointed and told her, “I've made up my mind. You say one word and I'll let her sister join them. Besides, I want to see you handle adversity. Sometimes in wrestling matches you get double teamed; show me what you'll do when that happens.”
CONTINUE TO FIGHT #1
