Writer’s Block
“i'm up as always, in too much pain to sleep. i've volunteered for almost 20 years of my life, but i've had my heart condition for just as long. its 5:31 am as i'm texting this. my wife is next to me and i've shed tears tonight simply because i realize that this isn't what i wanted it to be. i don't know where life is going to take me, but i know that i'm in a busted marriage with no way out without hurting someone... especially my three kids. i hate the way deception feels and i hate the years that have been shaved off my life because of betrayals and lies. stress kills and right now, it is killing me.
i am hiding from things that i know will surface again and again, trying to make the best out of a horrible situation for three little people who didn't ask to be a part of it. i realize that i've spent so much of my life killing myself to make other people happy, to the degree that i don't even know what makes me happy. i'm quite sure that if i divorce her, ill never get married again. i don't ever want to take the chance of being this devastated by another person's actions again. the world needs me... i have speeches to write and people to help and students who will need to be taught. my wife drives the white Lexus i bought her and i imagine her driving it to go fuck somebody else. i don't even know if i want to know how many people she was with in the six years.
i'm not afraid of whatever is coming. i just wish it never had to be this way. when i think of this, i get up, and i drive for a while. i could start typing, but i'm about to sleep again. maybe when i wake up, they'll be something worth reading. maybe they'll be something, an idea to latch onto and turn into a story or song or speech. or maybe nothing but the same pain i feel now. good night and good morning.”
How long have I sat here and stared at the computer screen? So many thoughts and ideas in my mind and so many different stories I can write and so many new characters and settings and plots and all that stuff to introduce. But why won’t anything come to me? Do I doubt my abilities or am I distracted? Or maybe, I’m just being lazy today… still nothing comes to me, and I know that if I’m posting this, I have to do something soon or else my readers’ attention spans will shift elsewhere, but does that even matter? Who do we write our stories for anyway? I used to write these long elaborate wrestling stories and plots and now, I just keep it simple and for some reason, that’s gotten me more praise than ever before. I look at the woman I’m married to and it seems like every time I get on here, I can’t get her betrayal out of my mind. It finds its way into my stories and I can be proud of still being able to make a positive in the fantasy world out of so many real negatives.
What’s it like to invest so much time into something, that you lose sight of what’s really important to you? Maybe, when you’re trying so hard to impress people and get them to love you, you don’t see the ones who really do love you and when they tell you, you don’t believe them because you’re so burnt out and exhausted from rejection. Why do we try so hard to please people who treat us like garbage and don’t even acknowledge us? My closest friend in the world of fight story writing and I don’t even speak to each other. She acknowledges my stories, but not me, and that’s as much my fault as it is hers, but sometimes I wonder why I even bother being so nice and still try to engage her when she obviously will not respond. We’re both doing well with the writing; there’s no public conflict and there won’t be… so why bother? What’s the point? Turn off the computer, look at someone who I gave a ring to and she cheated on me… what was the point of the poetry and buying the ring and meeting her parents and all this other bullshit? At the end, if you have enough time on your hands and you’re hungry enough, but too sad to eat, you’ll wonder what’s the point of eating too. Epic Fail.
I like to take a strong woman in my stories and put her in a position where she’s tested. I love strong females, not necessarily strong in stature, but strong mentally and with a maturity or even an arrogance about them. A beautiful woman, who is aware of her beauty, is the greatest force in all creation… but what if she loses sight of that beauty amidst a betrayal? And what if that betrayal is one that comes from within and well as from the outside? What will she do? The muse is gnawing at me now… I guess I had to write myself into a groove, but I don’t know how long it will last. I love my fellow writers and I often say that their great works are achieved effortlessly or that they make it look easy. But the ones I respect the most are the humble ones, because they know and can admit to what I’m feeling right now. They can admit to the dissatisfaction with the work and with life and a need to escape it, but not dive too deep for fear of losing the audience. Other writers have these elitist personalities, begging you to respond to a story but never responding to anyone else’s. They don’t realize that it’s not that serious because real life is far more serious. Until I started really living mine, maybe I didn’t know. Now, it all seems like it’s not even worth it sometimes. I think I’ve been so busy trying to make other people happy, that I’ve lost any idea of what makes me happy. But I story has to be told, right? I don’t feel like going too deep or too dark; we can save that for another day. Maybe, I’ll try to have some fun with this… introduce something old or create something from scratch, or a little of both. Let’s go diving, shall we? Let’s give this a name.
Oasis in the Land of the Rising Sun
Lillian is a strong woman. She stands at 5’6” weighs roughly around 160 lbs and most of it is in her breasts and legs, has long wavy black hair, deep friendly brown eyes, and flawless brown skin. She’s a fighter over in Japan and she’s undefeated, but that’s not why she’s strong. Lillian’s been a fighter for all her life. She lived in racist neighborhoods where she was subjected to all sorts of slurs, and Lillian could out talk and intimidate most girls and guys, but there were those who tried her and wound up flat on their backs or doubled over holding their stomachs from her incredible punching power. Once Lillian was on you, you were finished, and she was known for having a very snappy attitude if pushed. She was half Black and half Puerto Rican, but didn’t fit in with either culture. She was a computer whiz and knowledgeable on anything from NFL football to ancient Chinese architecture, a real renaissance woman, but every man she got involved with did her no good. Her father died when she was very young, and her mother got involved with a very abusive man. As an adult, Lillian swore she would never get involved with someone like that, but time and time again, she found herself living the diary of a mad Black woman with abuse, bleaching a cheating boyfriend’s clothes or hitting him with a pot of hot grits or beating up his drunk girlfriend.
Lillian was angry and she couldn’t get rid of that anger because she just couldn’t find anyone who could love her. Once she got the opportunity to go to Japan, she took it, and she quickly found herself immersed in the world of combat. She figured at first, since she was there, she may as well learn some form of martial arts, but she got ripped off and thrown on a fight card by a promoter looking for someone who looked tough enough for his champion to beat without anyone crying foul play. The champion was Sindel, the White Lightning, they called her… gold skin, white hair, clear pupiless eyes, dressing in something that looked like wedding lingerie and fighting with a methodical speed for a woman of 5’5” 120 lbs. All that promoter had to see was Lillian warming up by hitting the punching bag and he pulled her out of the title match, choosing to put her in a tournament with all rookie fighters. No one lasted over a minute against Lillian.
From that point on, she was hooked. It seemed so easy to her, just go out there, throw some punches and knees to the body, set up the uppercut to the chin, and it’s over. She found the girls she fought, whether in the ring or cage, were very fast and she didn’t have the endurance to hang with them, so she concentrated on her power moves and punches, closing the distance and hammering out solid victories. She didn’t know anything about submissions and she didn’t know much about wrestling, other than the slams, but she knew enough about fighting and no one could beat her. Japan was dominated by three organizations with three different champions. JPW had Sindel the White Lightening; AJW had the Black Widow, an incredibly talented Japanese woman who was 5’6” 150 fine lbs with long black hair and was known as Japan’s best female wrestler alive; and NJW had Katherine Oasis, or Kathy O, who fought and defended her title in wrestling matches, cage matches, and muay thai or kickboxing matches. Lillian knew that by staying in JPW, she would never get to ride the White Lightening, so she left and signed with NJW, thinking that since Kathy was a fellow American, she would give Lillian a shot at the title. Lillian made enough money; she could’ve easily stayed where she was as a featured attraction and became a legend, but she wanted competition and she wanted a championship.
25 year old Kathy Oasis was the protégé of Ebert II, the son of a former promoter who was also named Ebert who’s greatest claim to fame was that he brought the wrestling business Alicia Christmas, who was defeated by Siena Blaze, who bought out Ebert’s promotions, merged them, and created her own. Oasis’ real first name, according to rumor, wasn’t really “Kathy.” The reason why she was given that name was because she was a dead ringer for the swimsuit model Kathy Ireland. She stood a very fit 5’10” weighed a little over 140 lbs with a good physique, long auburn hair and light aqua blue eyes. Rumors circulated that she even had reconstructive surgery to look more like Kathy Ireland, right down to her small funny looking outie innie navel that looking like a nut sitting in the middle of a swirl. The best thing about Kathy though, was her personality. She was the nicest person you could meet and while sometimes, she dressed a little too showy for her personality, her naiveté had nothing on her heart. Kathy was known for being the comeback kid; she got this reputation back home in California as both a fighter and a basketball player. Kathy would make mistakes early or get knocked down or turn the ball over, but she would always come back and score a win or have 25 points, 11 assists, and 5 steals or something like that. When she was good, on the court, she was like Magic Johnson doing fancy passes and layups, and in the ring or cage, she looked like a goddess and used stick and move tactics and a muay thai grip that would make both Muhammad Ali and Illonka Elmont proud. She had a quality that the quarterback Brett Favre had; she screwed up a lot, but she could easily go on a kill streak. And while she lost on the court, she was undefeated as a fighter, but not as highly ranked as others.
Kathy wanted to have success in the US, but Ebert sent her around the world, putting her in fights with the competition that wasn’t all that great, but Ebert knew how to build them up and he knew how to promote. Kathy took down several older fighters who were passed their primes, much like Athena over in Greece. Ebert got Kathy a kickboxing, muay thai, and wrestling coach to help her use her height and long legs to strike and move. With her all American Girl looks and friendly personality, Kathy seemed in line to face the bigger stars of female fighting and she really wanted a shot at fellow Californian Siena Blaze. But Siena’s comments were straight to the point: “Are you fucking kidding me? Why would I fucking fight her? She’s a joke; try beating a legitimate opponent and then come talk to me, Kathy. She can‘t impress me by cleaning up my leftovers.” Rachel Apache also dismissed Kathy: “I have no interest in fighting someone who only chooses to fight women who are either overrated or passed their primes. Now, change the subject to something worth asking me about. Do it now.”
Kathy was very hurt by those comments and begin to question Ebert about her direction. She didn’t want to part ways with the man who’d guided her career for so long, but she told him that it was the spirit of competition that drove her. She insisted that Ebert negotiate with the other two big promotions about letting Kathy fight one of the other champions. In particular, Kathy wanted to face Black Widow, simply because she had the most brutal matches full of suicidal dives and hard kicks. Kathy wanted to show that she could be hardcore, though a curse word never came from her mouth and she talked like Alicia Christmas, who talked like a princess from a Disney movie (or you could say she talked like Kathy Ireland, because she talks like a princess too). When Lillian got to the promotion, Kathy was the first to great her in the locker room.
Kathy- Hello; it’s such a pleasure to meet you, Lillian. I’m Kathy.
Lillian- Could I have a title shot?
Usually, Kathy would look to Ebert to answer for her; she was caught completely off guard by the shorter voluptuous Black girl as Lillian stared up at her, tightening her grip on Kathy’s hand.
Kathy- Ummm… sure!
When Kathy broke the handshake with Lillian, Lillian saw a look in Kathy’s eyes that she’d seen in her opponents’ eyes before… fear. Lillian was aware of Kathy’s manager choosing opponents who were no real threat to her and how those opponents still gave Kathy hell. Lillian was even in the camp of thinking that because Kathy always pulled those Hulk Hogan comebacks, that her matches may have been fixed. When Kathy got back to her training facility, Ebert rushed to the phone to call the fight off, but Kathy insisted that she had to do this.
Ebert- You can’t! What if you lose?
Kathy- If I train hard and figure out a good strategy, I won’t lose.
Ebert- This girl is undefeated.
Kathy- So am I.
Ebert- Yeah, but you’re not undefeated the same way she’s undefeated. She’s been sitting under Sindel, cleaning out every threat to the title, but those idiots wouldn’t put her in with Sindel because they know they’d be giving her Sindel’s title.
Kathy- They don’t know that because they won’t give her a chance. Don’t you see, Ebert? It’s all about chances. I can’t call myself the champion if I don’t face the best out there. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night.
Ebert- Well honey, you must be losing a lot of sleep because you haven’t been facing the best.
Kathy- You mean all that tabloid garbage is true? You fixed my fights?
Ebert- No. You won all your fights; you almost gave me a heart attack in a few of them, but I expected you to win. And believe me, if you get a few more victories under your belt, it’ll be hello OPW and hello Siena Blaze. She’s going to be turning 40 next year and she can‘t stay out of the Japanese market; she’s already snagged Shinobi and she’s going to acquire Black Widow too.
Kathy- Why can’t you get me a deal with them? I’ll fight anyone they have.
Ebert- Because to be in OPW, you have to prove yourself. Yeah, there are pretty girls over there like Marie and Sage, but they’ve proven themselves. Believe me, I’d love for you to go over there and hook up with Alicia and really stir up some great stuff, but--
Kathy- Ebert, usually I’d listen to you, but I’ve decided that I’m fighting Lillian and there’s nothing you can do to talk me out of it. It’s settled.
So, that’s enough build-up; this is where we cut to the chase. Kathy’s wearing a navy blue sports bra, matching shorts and has her pedicured feet taped as well as blue grappling gloves on her hands. Lillian is wearing a black tank top, covering her very large breasts and black and gold shorts, pulled up to an inch below her breasts, well above her soft stomach and T-shaped navel. Lillian has on soft boots and Kathy smiles at her as the two touch gloves. Lillian’s face is very serious and very angry, and once again, Kathy’s face takes on a look of concern. Kathy takes one more glance at her title belt as it is hoisted in the air and taken out of the ring.
The bell rings and Lillian charges out with her legs bent and arms raised similarly to Mike Tyson‘s peek-a-boo style, while Kathy is on her bicycle, circling to Lillian’s left with her arms raised high. Lillian is following Kathy and closing the distance, then as Kathy’s back touches the corner turnbuckle, Lillian rushes in, landing four hard shots to Kathy’s ribs as the taller girl’s body shudders with the impact of each blow and she raises her arms, blocking the oncoming head shots before grabbing Lillian by her shoulders. Lil bulls Kathy into the corner and continues to hit those ribs with very hard shots while Kathy is trying to get the shorter girl from off of her. Kathy bends her legs even more and raises her arms, tucking her elbows in and bending her body forward to make herself a smaller target, but she buckles and holds after a left hand that finds her liver. Lillian easily pulls her head from under Kathy’s arms, pushing the auburn haired beauty back, and nails her with a left hook, making Kathy’s eyes roll back into her head with a high pitched “Oh!!” and as Kathy comes off the ropes looking to hold, Lillian sends a left to her stomach, just above her navel, that bends her forward with an “Ugghh!” then slams a hard with cross into her jaw, sending Kathy down in her corner with an “unnhh!!”
Kathy is sitting on her round butt listening to the ref’s count. She’s been knocked down before, so this isn’t new, but she’s upset with herself for being dropped in the first place. Ebert is yelling at her not to get up until the count of 9, but Kathy gets up at 4. Ebert was there at Staples Center in Los Angeles when the undefeated Allison Payne fought three time world champion, three time Olympic gold medal winning female boxer Nikky Smalls and how Nikky was knocked down four times in the fourth round, but kept getting up and refused to stay down and get her energy back. Ebert remembers how Nikky, who was by far the fastest fighter with her hands and feet he’d ever seen, looked good boxing for two rounds, but got into a slugfest with Allison to prove a point that she could slug it out and was tough… and Nikky got destroyed. Kathy gives Ebert a wink and raises her fists, only to take two jabs to her chin that snap her head back, and a right to the solar plexus that buckles her into a left uppercut that knocks her back down on her back right in her own corner.
Ebert- Stay down, Kathy. The belt isn’t worth you taking all this punishment.
Kathy- Wow… Dad, is that you?
Ebert- Stay down, Kathy!
Kathy- (getting up and smiling) She really hits hard, but she didn’t knock out my mouthpiece… yet. I guess I better wake up, before she puts me to sleep.
Ebert- Kathy… now is not the time for jokes. Remember my ulcer.
Kathy- This is what I asked for, and I guess I’m about to get it.
Kathy takes a deep breath and raises her fists again as Lillian bulls in, but as Lillian launches a hard left hook for Kathy’s right side, Kathy sticks a jab in the Black girl’s face and circles right, then lands a left hook to Lil’s cheek as Lil misses a straight right aimed at Kathy’s solar plexus. Now, Lillian’s back is closer to the ropes and Kathy uses her reach to tag Lillian with two jabs to her nose, a straight right that hits above Lil’s left eye, then a left hook to Lil’s ribs and a left hook to the side of her head as she brings her arms up, then a straight right to her solar plexus, just above the waistband of her shorts stopping the Black girl cold as the Japanese crowd makes a lot of ahhhhhh noises.
Kathy- Gotta pace myself; gotta pace myself. She’s dangerous; gotta keep moving.
Lillian can hear Kathy, but Lillian absorbs a jab to her stomach just below the waistband of the shorts as she comes forward and makes an “umph” sound as she bends slightly. Kathy notices how easily her fist pushed into Lil’s stomach and knows that with a large set of boobs and a big butt, there comes softness to the belly. Lillian seems to look a bit winded as her mouth opens and Kathy nails her with a quick right cross, knocking the mouthpiece out and cutting Lillian’s lip. Kathy is surprised as her handiwork and backs up, seeing an angry Lillian coming forward. Kathy lands a hard leg kick to Lillian’s lead left leg and circles to the shorter girl’s left, tagging that left eye with another right cross before hitting Lil’s right set of ribs with a sweeping kick, forcing an “Ah!!” from the shorter brown skinned beauty. Lillian looks at Kathy and it’s clear that the kick really hurt her. Kathy’s eyes widen and she moves in, jumping and buckling Lil with a knee that hits her just below her heart, but Kathy doesn’t see the left hook coming that crashes into her jaw and causes her to land on her right ankle, rolling it badly.
Kathy- Ahhh!!
Lil moves in for the kill (not bad, eh?), throwing a hard left that forces an “ulf!” from Kathy as it hits just below her navel, then a hard right that slams into her left side and almost sends her down, but Lil misses the uppercut that would’ve dropped Kathy for certain and Kathy grabs the brown skinned girl by the back her head head, interlocking her fingers and synching in a muay thai clinch. Kathy forces an “OUGH!” from Lil as she plants her left foot and brings her hurting right ankle and foot up, kneeing Lil deep to her stomach. Kathy sets up for another knee, but the shorter girl exhales and drops to one knee. Kathy limps to a neutral corner. Lil’s breathing is loud and she’s holding her stomach, but she gets up at the count of 5 as the referee finally retrieves her mouthpiece and puts it in. Kathy looks tired as well and doesn’t seem happy to resume the fight as Lil stalks her and Kathy can do little other than to grab Lil once she reaches her. Kathy slams a hard right hand into Lil’s left side and Lil responds with her own right hand to Kathy’s left side. Kathy cries out in pain, tears come from her eyes as she may have broken a rib and she turns, bringing her left arm down just to get knocked into the ropes with a hard right hand. Kathy is nearly on one leg and Lil bulls in, throwing a hard combination of lefts and rights to Kathy’s toned but weakening abs as the auburn haired girl is blowing out air and folding over.
Ebert- Get out of there, Kathy!!
Kathy retreats to her corner and continues to cover up, taking some savage shots to her ribs, but adjusting her left arm to protect the broken one. Lil’s punches start to flail more after twenty seconds of hammering Kathy’s arms and sides and Kathy hits her with a jab to her navel, forcing a startled “ooh!” from the Black girl as she takes a step back. Lil is looking at Kathy and both women are breathing heavily as Lil steps in and wings a left hook at the taller girl’s head, but Kathy ducks under it, once again sticking that long hard left jab into Lil’s stomach at the navel and forcing another “ooh!” from the shorter curvier girl. Lil eats a jab to her open mouth that closes her eyes, but she buckles Kathy with a blind left hook that crashes into the taller girl’s temple and forces Kathy to rush in and hold. As the two women jockey in the grapple for momentum, Lil trips over Kathy’s feet and Kathy pulls herself free from Lil just as the shorter girl goes down on her side. Lil is very slow to get back up and takes another deep breath, her arms a lot lower than the were before and her legs not as bent. Kathy extends her glove to Lil and the two touch.
Kathy- Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to trip you.
Lillian- It’s cool.
Kathy slams another right hand into Lil’s stomach, making an “mm!” sound as she throws the punch and hearing Lil’s “ough!” response as the shorter girl backs up and Kathy cracks Lil by landing a head kick to her right ear, staggering her, then lands another right hand to the pit of Lil’s stomach and Lil makes another “ough!” and backs up to the ropes where Kathy lands another straight right to the same spot and Lil makes the same noise, buckling into a jumping knee that busts her nose with a “mmmppphhh!! Ah!!” left hook to the head as water, sweat and Vaseline fly off Lil and she takes a final straight right to her navel, makes an “ooouuuggghhh” sound and slips through the middle two ropes, falling out of the ring and onto a judge’s table. Kathy’s eyes are widened from what she’s done and she asks the ref if the fight is over, but the ref starts counting and orders Kathy to a neutral corner.
Ebert- Finish her off, Kathy.
Kathy- Ebert, no offense, but if I had listened to you, I wouldn’t even be in this position.
Ebert- I know! I was wrong! You’ve got to finish her off.
Kathy- I don’t have a lot left, Ebert. I think I better stick and move until the time runs out. These five minute rounds are killing me. And she’s hurting me; she broke a rib and she knocked the wind out of me with those shots to my stomach. I having trouble breathing and I’m losing more air just talking to you.
Lillian climbs through the ropes as Kathy looks up at the clock. Lil raises her fists and bangs them together as Kathy sighs and the two meet at ring center. Lil jabs Kathy hard right on her navel and Kathy is forced back, then Kathy groans with an “uggghhh!!” doubles over and goes down on her hands and knees from the delayed reaction. Lillian looks exhausted and slowly moves to a neutral corner, sitting on the bottom turnbuckle in a squat to prevent herself from standing. Kathy finally gets up at 8, not because she took Ebert’s advice and milked the count, but because she’s just that hurt. Lillian rushes out and Kathy barely pulls her head away from a huge left hook, tripping over her injured right ankle and grabbing the ropes to steady herself as Lil lifts her up on her toes with an “OOH!” from a shot to her liver. But Kathy locks on the muay thai clinch, planting her bad right foot and driving the left knee into Lil’s stomach, right on the waistband and forcing an “wooooohhh” from Lil that would make Ric Flair proud (if he wasn’t too busy trying to sleep with every girl around him to notice) Lil is about to go down, but Kathy holds on and drives one hard knee into the shorter brown skinned girl’s face, forcing an “Uh!” from Lil as the voluptuous beauty hit’s the canvas face first knocked unconscious.
Ebert rushes into the ring and lifts Kathy up, but Kathy tells him to put her down as she goes and checks on the beaten Lillian. Lil manages to get to her feet as the Japanese crowd claps for both fighters and Kathy raises Lil’s arm, then with tears running down her face, she embraces Lil, who can’t help but shed some tears herself, not just because this is her first loss, but she knocked Kathy down so many times and couldn’t finish her off. A man with extremely short cotton like red hair and golden brown skin enters the ring as Lil and Kathy pose with their arms around each other for photos. He’s wearing sunglasses with red lenses and he’s in a fancy gray suit with a red and gray swirl designer tie and he speaks.
“My name is Conner. Siena Blaze would like to speak to you.”
Lillian- Congratulations, Kathy. Looks like you’re moving on to the big time. You deserve it; you beat me fair and square.
Kathy- We’ll keep in touch though. You hit me harder than anybody I’ve ever faced.
Conner- Excuse me? Siena Blaze wants to speak to both of you. I work for her and she told me to have a jet ready in the morning to fly you both into Los Angeles.
Lillian- For what?
Conner- Contract negotiations. We’re looking for some new developmental talent and Ebert, your father worked for Siena… we could use your genetic creativity too.
Kathy shrugs her shoulders and they all agree, though both Kathy and Lillian state to each other that they’re not exactly fans of being called “developmental talent.” But they’ll take fighting in a smaller promotion if it ultimately lands them in the big one.
THE END… or is it?
