All eight combatants gathered in the ring, the bell clangs to signal the start of the Bash Royale.
As a rule of thumb, all bets are off in a battle such as this, with partnerships forming and dissolving in the span of heartbeats. In short, nothing can be predicted.
Then again, just about everyone saw this opening gambit as inevitable: Kate Upton, the largest and most powerful woman in the ring, was instantly set upon by all seven of her rivals. Swiftly overwhelmed, the Amazonian blonde was helpless to prevent herself from being thrown over the top rope, eliminating her just barely thirty seconds into the match.
Upton eliminated
What happened next, however, was very much a surprise…particularly to the victim. Miley Cyrus had been at the forefront of the pack who went after Upton, and she gleefully helped eliminate her. However, doing so had put Cyrus close enough to the ropes that her supposed ‘allies’ had then simply seized her and thrown her over the top as well! Miley landed atop Kate on the arena floor, bringing forth pained grunts from both.
In virtually no time at all, the battlefield had been swept of two combatants.
Cyrus eliminated
None of the remaining women were about to let themselves be taken out of the fight the same way, so they instantly put space between each other, fanning out around the ring, each crouched and ready for battle.
Not unexpectedly, each went for the nearest rival, and the match became a trio of singles contests. Kaley Cuoco and Katy Perry locked up, struggling against one another; Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Lawrence began trading staggering punches; and Mila Kunis and Britney Spears exchanged wrist and arm locks.
A sudden eye rake from Mila blinded the shrieking Britney, allowing the brunette to Irish whip her straight into Johansson; dazed by the impact, Scarlett’s defenses proved inadequate to stopping Jennifer from wrapping her arms around her waist from behind, hoisting her up into the air, and then bringing her back down with an atomic drop! Scarlett’s crotch slammed hard into her foe’s bent knee, the impact sending her sailing face-first to the canvas, where she lay in an anguished stupor. With the aid of Kunis, Lawrence had no difficulty hauling the rag doll that was now Scarlett from the mat and throwing her over the ropes to the floor below.
Johansson eliminated
Barely an instant after Scarlett cleared the top, Jennifer swung swiftly to her side, aiming a sickle forearm straight toward the slender neck of Kunis. However, as one of the craftiest heels in the sport, Mila had fully expected such a move, and she managed to duck under the blow. Hitting nothing but air, Lawrence stumbled off-balance, and Mila popped up right between her arms, delivering an upward palm thrust squarely to the blonde's chin, snapping her head back sharply. Taking a few steps back, the smirking Kunis lined up her shot and...in a sense delivering a measure of revenge for the injury delivered to Johansson, she punted her foot up between Jennifer's thighs.
Howling in pain, the blonde hooked the top rope with her left arm as her knees buckled, hoping for at least a brief respite in order to gather her reserves of strength. But it was not to be; moving with viper swiftness, Mila wrapped her arms around her rival's legs and, with a grunt, lifted her up and over the ropes.
Lawrence eliminated
But Mila's sense of triumph was short-lived, as the now recovered Spears grabbed her hair from behind. Dragging the brunette over to the nearest corner, she begins to slam Mila's face again and again into the top turnbuckle. Then then spins the stunned beauty around the shoves her into the corner. Mounting the bottom ropes, the smiling Britney gleefully begins to hammer her right fist into the head and face of her victim.
Meanwhile, the contest between Couco and Perry has come to see Kaley on her knees at the ropes, her throat pressed against the middle cable as Katy bounces up and down on her back, choking her. Then, the raven-tressed battler steps back, bringing herself to the center of the ring, preparing to charge her opponent and crash down hard across the hapless blonde's back.
However, Spears has also moved backward, intent of charging Mila and delivering a senses-shattering bodysplash in the corner. Unaware of the presence of the other, the two beauties bump together. Instantly whirling about with fists clenched, they immediately begin to flail away at one another, each convinced the other had attacked her.
That gave precious time for both Kunis and Cuoco to gather their wits. Wordlessly, they then act as one, each grabbing at opponent by the hair and dragging her backward. Kunis knocks air from Katy with a kneelift, while Cuoco dazes Britney with a European uppercut. Kaley and Mila then whip their opposite numbers toward one another; the two buxom beauties slam chests-first together, each recoiling from the powerful impact. Kunis and Cuoco use their momentum to hoist both in fireman carries, depositing them over the ropes and out of the action.
Spears eliminated
Perry eliminated
This left just two competitors left. Kaley and Mila were longtime rivals, so both no doubt felt this was poetic justice. They launched themselves at one another, the pair struggling to overcome the other. Never one to not use a successful tactic a second time, Kunis is able to take the upper hand with an eye rake. She quickly immobilized her blonde rival with a standing octopus hold, her left leg pressed against Cuoco's throat while her right hand tightened an ab-crushing clawhold on her belly. This hold was less about eliminating Kaley from the match than it was to torture her; now utterly assured of her chance of winning the Bash Royale, Mila intended to punish the blonde before tossing her out of the ring, just for the fun of it.
Of course, this wouldn't be the first time that Mila's hubris overruled her good sense. Doing her best to block out the pain, and fueled by a fury-fired adrenalin rush, Kaley manages to throw herself backward to the mat, breaking the hold. Quickly rolling up to her feet, Cuoco grabs the more slowly rising Kunis by the hair, holding her head in place for a kneelift to the chin that leaves the brunette glassy-eyed.
With a tremendous exhibition of strength, Kaley next lifts her opponent up, pulling her across her shoulders. Her unwilling cargo in place, the blonde begins to spin around and around, subjecting Mila to an airplane spin. Her panic-filled wails filling the arena, Kunis felt her senses reeling, leaving her too helpless to know how she could possibly escape.
Edging closer to ring's edge, Kaley heaves Mila off of her shoulders, letting her crash in a heap to the floor.
Kunis eliminated
The bell sounds and the referee takes Kaley's left arm and raises it high, proclaiming the victrix!
