Not a catfight. A one-sided undeserved destruction. No offence intended.
You've seen these Lettuce Ladies, right? PETA Lettuce Ladies. PETA stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. In the case of the Lettuce Ladies though, PETA stands for Prissy Empty-headed Thumb-sucking Airheads.
These girls flaunt themselves around in their green bikini leaves like butter wouldn't melt in their perfect vegan mouths. They're the kind of stuck-up bitches who would probably look down on, say, a Hooters waitress as being in a demeaning profession. But because these Lettuce Ladies are letting everyone see how hot they look in an ironic, knowing, all-in-a-good-cause kinda way, they think they're God's gift.
Why do I care? Because I run a burger van, that's why. And one of these bimbos had the nerve to start doing her thing about ten yards from where I was trying to make an honest living. She was tossing her long blonde hair, flashing her perfect white teeth, jiggling her Tofu-fed titties and waving her stupid GO VEGAN placard around.
As pleasant as she was to look at, for me and all the other red blooded males in attendance at the county fair that day, she was sure as hell starting to rub me up the wrong way.
One of my customers seemed to be giving Lettuce Lady the evil eye too. I got talking to this girl. Shaniqua was her name. I'm not racially profiling. That just happened to be her name. Anyway, turned out Shaniqua didn't like anyone lecturing her on what she could or couldn't eat. Particularly if that lecture was coming from a buff blonde white girl from the suburbs.
As we spoke, Shaniqua and I bonded. The free BBQ ribs I let her have probably helped. Then I did a bad thing. The Lord forgive me if I didn't just bet Shaniqua twenty bucks that she wouldn't go over and start some shit with that blonde girl.
That girl didn’t need any more encouragement as she turned on her heels and strode towards the soon to be chastised blonde campaigner.
Though it was a sunny day, it had been raining on and off those past weeks. The grass was wet and churned to thick, cloying mud in places. Shaniqua finally reached ground zero, stood with hands on hips and appeared to ask a question of her oblivious victim. I was out of earshot of what was actually being said.
All of a sudden, Lettuce Lady’s assailant gave her a swift two handed push on her Bok Choy boobies, making her stagger back, lose her footing and sit down hard in the wet mud. It was such a forceful the push that it made me believe that Shaniqua could likely bench press more than blondie weighed. It sent the PETA pussy sliding backwards about five or six feet in the mire with a confused look on her face.
My carnivorous compadre was shaking with laughter now as she watched Lettuce Lady get carefully to her feet and pull her mud caked bikini briefs from out of her ass where they had ridden up. The vivacious vegetarian's body was flecked all over with wet mud.
I saw what Shaniqua was about to do as she again closed the distance between them. Lettuce Lady looked completely clueless, still concerned with maintaining her dignity rather than protecting herself. Her limited brain power, combined with the fact that she had never been in a fist fight in her life, would only allow her to perceive then some sort of unfortunate but resolvable misunderstanding had just taken place. As Shaniqua drew back her fist, the little angel on my shoulder told me I'd done something terribly wrong and should put a stop to this. But the little devil told me to sit back and enjoy the show. The devil won!
CRUNCH!
The black girl swung a punch at the side of the white girl's jaw, almost taking Lettuce Lady’s head off her shoulders. The bean sprout beauty was swung round and dropped to her knees by the force of the blow.
Other people were starting to gather now. No one else seemed ready to intervene so that made me feel a little more confident that I'd done the right thing in getting this party started.
"Yeah! Show that sanctimonious salad bitch a thing or two!" jeered one of the crowd. Cheers and laughter were the response. I was obviously not alone in wishing some much deserved comeuppance upon these pushy PETA princesses.
Lettuce Lady stayed kneeling in the mud, head bowed down for what seemed like forever. the tips of her blonde tresses trailing in the mud. Then, slowly, she pushed herself to her feet and, equally slowly, turned to face her attacker. She was definitely a slow learner and she was obviously asking for another lesson in how to take a punch.
Shaniqua had been waiting for the exact moment and, as her unfortunate victim faced her attacker, she drew her arm back and...
CRACK!
She let go a wicked straight punch to the centre of Lettuce Lady’s face. Her head snapped back, her feet left the ground completely, and she flew backwards to crash on her back – arms and legs out-flung. Down in the mud for the third time. Maybe experiencing a little of what it was like to be a vegetable in it's natural environment.
The salad-munching punchbag stayed where she belonged, the rise and fall of her ample chest and the twitching of one leg were the only indications of life. There was still no excess movement, no protest, as the triumphant carnivore walked over, grabbed a handful of the veggie’s blonde mane, and hauled her to a sitting position.
Holding her upright by her hair, Shaniqua used her free hand to slap that bitch silly. Back and forth, again and again, across her stupid face. I watched, fascinated, as the blonde endured some real schoolyard bullying. The humiliation of it all was probably more painful than the rythmical stinging.
"Don't let up! Bust that perfect nose of hers!" suggested one of the crowd. A jealous female by the sound of it.
This continued assault - and perhaps the verbal threat of anyone other than an expensive plastic surgeon rearranging her perfect features - seemed to bring Lettuce Lady round a little and she was soon struggling to her feet once more. Surprisingly, the meat eating Madam let her go without a fuss, although I suspected she was just toying with her. Lettuce Lady seemed to think it was a good idea to start giving Shaniqua a piece of her mind – yelling and waving her arms about. Shaniqua stood there, making a show of listening calmly, before, without any warning, swinging a low punch…
WHUMP!
…that sank wrist deep into the vegan girl’s tummy. I couldn’t help thinking that the beetroot-bothering blonde had definitely been asking for that one!
Hapless Lettuce Lady choked off in mid sentence, doubling over, her hands clutching to her pain filled gut as she reeled on jelly legs. Shaniqua slowly and deliberately positioned herself, waited until she tottered full circle and faced away from her, then with an almighty swing of her leg, she booted Salad Bitch in the middle of her mud stained behind. With a wail of pain cut short by a muffled GLUB!, Lettuce Lady splashed face down in the churned up muck.
Shaniqua ‘walked up’ her defeated opponent’s prone figure, legs either side, until she could bend down and grab a double handful of blonde hair. Getting a good grip, she proceeded to rub that vegetarian face from side to side in the mud, making sure plenty of mud got up her nose and in her mouth. The need to cough and choke was probably the only thing keeping the poor girl from passing out. Shaniqua dragged her back to her feet once more. She was now plastered in mud from head to toe, her face a solid mask of slime from which the whites of her pretty eyes gleamed brightly.
Lettuce Lady could barely see what her tormentor had planned for her. Shaniqua swung her leg again, this time driving her boot hard into the soft juncture at the top of her thighs.
CRUMP!
The cabbage crunching cutie let out an agonised wail that must have shattered windows across town. She clutched at her intimate parts, thighs clamping her hands as she teetered forwards. Her grinning opponent smacked a terrific right jab straight on her inviting chin.
As the abused bean sprout babe rocked back on her heels, Shaniqua reached out and expertly clamped her thumb and forefinger hard onto blonde's muddy little nose. This quickly prevented her from falling backwards and also had the effect of opening Lettuce Lady's mouth in a wide O as struggled for breath.
"Someone hand me one of those tasty burgers." instructed Shaniqua. Someone surely did. Lettuce Lady's eyes were wide with horror. You could tell she wanted to shake her head from side to side but the grip on her nose prevented it. Blondie clamped her mouth to resist the force feeding, but eventually she had to breathe.
As soon as the burger had been stuffed into the victim’s unwilling mouth, Shaniqua planted her feet perfectly in front of her now bawling-like-a-baby victim, slowly drew back her right arm as if measuring the exact distance, and then bought her ham sized fist, with all of her beefy body weight behind it, belting full onto Lettuce Lady’s chin in a knockout punch!
THWACK!
The tortured turnip fancier was cut short mid wail as her mouth slammed shut. I could hear her teeth click together from ten yards away, despite the meat, bread and mud sandwiched between them. Her head went back, she spun round, dropped face first in the mud again, rolled over once and then lay on her back, arms and legs splayed. Out cold.
Shaniqua looked pretty pleased with herself. she nudged the prone princess with her toe just to check she wasn't going anywhere, then walked back towards me, dusting her hands as the crowd gathered and took pictures on their cell phones - some of them victory posing with their foot on the unconscious girl’s chest as if they had done all the hard work.
The twenty dollar bet had been won. Hell, I gave her fifty.
