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My first story on the Forum~

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Offline Hali

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My first story on the Forum~
« on: November 06, 2010, 02:16:42 AM »
To introduce myself, I'm a huge fighting/wrestling fan. I'm not sure how far this forum gets, and I'd like to post this story to see what you think. Its one of my more harsh stories, so keep that in mind while you read, I'm warning you ahead of time. This is an RP between a friend and I, but don't worry, its still quite high quality if I do say so myself.

If y'all enjoy it, I've more where this came from. If not, I can tone it down or stop posting. I just wanted to say hi, and put some stuff out there. You know, so I'm not just a lurker. I hope you enjoy! Post your questions, comments, and concerns for me. Thanks! I look forward to joining the community. Hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Mixed Wrestling, Nudity, Sexual content, Humiliation, Severe pain, and more.

"Now... If you want to ravage me, you'll have to beat me first, you up for that?" I asked, raising my eyebrow again.

"Very much so," He said, grinning, "And I know I'll beat you."

"Cocky... I like that." I said, nodding, leading him to a sparring ring, and setting up the fight...

"How about this..." He smirked, "I'll fuck you so hard you'll forget how to talk..." Chance put on his sparring gloves, watching the red head.

"I'll let you go until I say "Banana," our new safe word." I said with a smirk, starting with whatever shreads I could piece together as cloths. "Lets start."

Hali ripped apart her clothes to make simple straps to cover herself... It worked, kind of.

I stepped forward and defended fully, trying to block his initial attack.

"G-...Gah..." Chance groaned, trying to move forward - but it seemed like his back foot was pinned down, "...T-Tell me how hard to attack you."

"No holds barred, attack me like our first fight." I said with a wink.

Chance launched himself forward, striking Hali hard and fast, a quick one-two combo to her chin, a jab to the gut, and then a knee into her stomach also. He bounced back after his onslaught, keeping his fists up, watching her carefully.

The combo was overwhelming, I got knocked back, but I tried to advance on him, "Just say Banana if I hurt you too much." I said, throwing out a jab at his chest.

His reply was short and sweet: Grabbing onto Hali's wrist, he quickly back-handed her across the face, then pulled back that same fist and punched it into her breast.

I tried to punch back with my one free hand, stinging rang through my cheek and breast... "O-Ooow!"

Smirking, Chance ducked underneath Hali's punch, letting go of her hand as he punched her three times in the stomach, before unleashing a massive undercut on her, knocking Hali an inch off the ground, forcing herself back into her corner.

I grunted three times at the intense punches, and one more shocked me. Next thing I knew my arms were draped over the ropes in the corner...

Laughing, Chance dodged backwards, before moving forward at a fast rate, spinning low enough to press his fingers to the ground - bringing his heel up and kicking Hali in the jaw!

My head was spinning... I moaned, my eyes lolling around in my head, blinking, I looked up and moaned, "N-no more shots to my head," I asked.

Chance paused right as his fist was about to hit Hali's chin. "G-...Gah...">> without missing a beat, he slammed it down into her sternum.

I coughed, looking up at him, trying to stand from the corner...

He was more than willing to help out with that. Chance grabbed onto Hali's arm, spinning and twisting her over his shoulder, slamming her back into the mat.

I coughed, twitching on the mat, his fight was really on here in this sparring ring, and I didn't stand a chance even if I tried...

Chance leapt up into the air, diving down with his elbow slamming into Hali's stomach.

I screamed, grabbing my stomach and rolling back and forth... I rolled to my stomach and started to get up again.

Before she got back up, Chance crawled onto her back, grabbing onto one of her legs and pulling it over her back violently!

I hit the mat, squealing in pain, pounding a fist into the mat...

Grinning, Chance held the grapple for a few more moments, before letting go of her leg, getting up onto his knees. He punched her back once before bouncing up, getting ready for a fight.

I moaned and moved to my hands and knees, and then to my knees, and finally to my feet, swaying for a moment.

Laughing, Chance started to move in a circle around Hali, "This is pathetic! You can't do anything!"

"H-how pathetic am I?" I asked, raising my fists and trying to run at him and drive a punch at his chest.

The colt countered with his forearm, punching Hali in the chest with a quick combo, then - just to see how effective it still was - kicked her right in between her legs, laughing as he did. "Pathetic enough to lose to a kid!"

I collapsed to my knees, cooing in pain, cupping my pussy.... "Oah... M-my vagina..." I whimpered... I wanted him to keep telling me how pathetic I was... And testing his moves on me...

"You're so pathetic..." He reached down, grabbing onto a handful of hair, pulling her chest back, "That when I'm done... you'll e begging for release," And with that, he punched down between her breasts, laughing!

http://gelbooru.com/index.php?page=post&s=view&id=166051

I groaned, swooning, the hit shot stinging pain through my chest, "S-shit!" I squealed.

"I'm gonna tie you up.. And you're gonna beg for this kid to let you loose..." He said, kneeing her in the chin, quite hard.

"Nyah!" I squealed, trying to fall backwards if I could.

As she fell backwards, Chance straddled her abdomen, smirking as he began to beat each breast with a single punch, emphasizing each word, "You're so pathetic a little kid could dominate you!"

My breasts jiggled with each hit. My arms lay at my sides, not defending me. "Y-you can dominate me. I can hardly stand it, your fists hurt so much...” I whimpered, laying beneath him in nothing but scraps...

Smirking, Chance reached down and ripped apart the scraps of her clothes, exposing Hali's breasts. He leaned in, biting on her soft, supple breast, only to pull back and punch her diaphragm. "I -AM- dominating you. And I'm gonna fuck you."

"I-I'm being dominated by you, you're gonna fuck me. I don't even stand a chance!" I squealed, shaking my head in pain after catching my breath.

Panting - but grinning widely - the horse slammed his knee into Hali's pussy, as hard as he could muster. As she writhed from the attack, he leaned in, whispering into her ear, "And then I'm gonna let other people fuck you... And when they're done, you'll crawl back to me... just to be beaten and to taste my cock again...”

After my screaming fit ended I whispered back, "I-I'm so pathetic... I'd do it, and you'd beat me again."

"You're the one who deserves to be in a collar... to be led around on a leash..." He leaned back, smirking down at Hali, slamming his knee into her pussy again, "Say it!"

"Gyah!" I squealed at the hit to my naked pussy, squirming on the ground... "I-I deserve to be in a collar, walked like a dog!"

"Loud! So the onlookers can hear," He said, leaning back as he began to pound on her tender breasts...

"H-he he doesn't deserve the collar! I do! I deserve to be walked like a dog!" I squealed, squirming from the hits to my soft boobs.

Smiling, Chance sat back, watching Hali as the small crowd began to cheer and clap for their performance. Grabbing onto her hair again, he leaned forward, threatening her with a fist ready to strike, "...Give up."

I smiled, loving this part... "No"

"Mm... Such a bad answer..." He replied. "Teach her a lesson!" An onlooker said.>>  Chance was only so happy to do so, smashing his fist into her diaphragm again, then her collar bone, pausing as he pulled back a fist to punch her in the face.

I lost my air, then my shoulder hit the floor, then my head bounced back, blood coming from my nose...
"T-thats right, teach me a lesson, stand me up like a trophy and show off your prize."

Smirking, Chance stood up, grabbing Hali by the hair as he stood the woman up on her weak knees, punching her side as he began to say: "This little slut is mine! I've won her!"

"I-I'm his. I belong to him." I cooed, playing into the fantasy...

Still smirking, he throws Hali down to the ground, literally kicking her ass as she fell to her knees, "Grovel."

I got back to my feet, "N-no." I whimpered, my ass stinging too.

Chance punched Hali hard in the stomach, giving her a quick uppercut as she doubled over.

I stumbled around on my feet, ready to fall to his power; all it would take was a fancy finisher for the crowd, who was already chanting for one.

Chance delivered such a blow. With a quick crack, he punched Hali in the chin, then right in the collar bone - and once more in the stomach, making Hali double over. He was quick, pulling his leg up and dropping it down onto Hali's shoulder with an axe kick.

I twitched on the ground, but the crowd wanted blood... They wanted to see real brutality dealt to the disobedient girl...

Chance picked up the girl by her hair, throwing her towards the corner she started in. As Hali landed there, supported by just the ropes, the horse ripped off his gloves, punching Hali's tits brutally, not stopping for what seemed like hours, before kicking her in the pussy so hard her toes left the ground. As Hali sagged back against the corner, Chance spun around, then delivered a kick to her>> tits!

I muttered banana as I collapsed forward and tumbled to my back... Cooing in pain.

Smiling, Chance dropped to his knees, leaning in to get Hali a kiss on the lips, running his hands up her bruised and injured body, squeezing each of her breasts, whispering to her, "I won...”

"I-I lost."

"You said 24 hours..." The colt whispered.

"Y-you can do whatever you want to me." I said quietly.

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Offline Jolly Sailor

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Re: My first story on the Forum~
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2010, 09:11:22 AM »
HI,
*echoes wot KC has said

Good writing. good content but a little too violent for me but we all have our own tastes

jolly sailor

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Offline Hali

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Re: My first story on the Forum~
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2010, 04:49:02 PM »
Thanks so much guys! I appreciate it, I'll keep it in mind for next time. I'm really into the pain stuff, so thats what I went for ^-^;

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Long Hardone

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Re: My first story on the Forum~
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2010, 07:03:22 AM »
Solid fist story.

The only minimal thing you'll want to work on is staying in the same person when writing.  You drifted between I, her, and Hali for the female character.  Still, most writers would have an editor for that so well done.

Keep it up, this was a good start.

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Offline ~Rox Erotique~

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Re: My first story on the Forum~
« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2010, 04:32:04 PM »
I enjoyed it!

It's always great to see a fresh fast in the story forum :) Very clever twists throughout fist leading into the competative match then slowly bringing the reader to realise your submissive side then the sudden introduction of a crowd to twist the readers perspective of what's going on! A dark fantasy for sure, but hot!

I'd agree with Long on the perspective, maybe sticking to a 3rd person narative or sticking to your first person view would be less confusing to the reader, and sometimes the male character switched names, from Chase to the colt but as Long said they are just minor things that can be picked up with an edit, the content itself and the layout I felt was very enjoyable!

Thanks so much for sharing! and welcome to the forum :D

x G x
I'm paranoid and needy. So I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I'd like.

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Offline Jonica

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Re: My first story on the Forum~
« Reply #5 on: November 08, 2010, 06:06:50 PM »
Great start!  Welcome to the forum.  I can't wait to read more of your work!

J
xoxo
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The bitch is in her smile.
The lie is on her lips,
Such an evil child.

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Offline howardcosell

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Re: My first story on the Forum~
« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2010, 11:01:45 PM »
Anything can be tweaked and edited, but the soul of the story is great and we loved it. Welcome to the forum!
"When people walk away from you... let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you... and it doesn't mean they are bad people. It just means that their part in your story is over."