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Salma Hayek vs. Melanie Griffith

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Offline Candi

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Salma Hayek vs. Melanie Griffith
« on: April 16, 2009, 03:11:57 AM »
Who would win the catfight?

"Stacked SALMA HAYEK blew her stack when dinner companion MELANIE GRIFFITH fired up a cigarette on the patio of trendy West Hollywood eatery Cecconi's and puffed in the presence of Salma's 18-month-old baby girl. Instantly, Salma insisted that she smoke outside or douse her coffin nail pronto! Melanie snapped that Salma needed to lighten up her parenting technique, and insisted the fumes wouldn't waft anywhere near her tyke's tiny nose", National Enquirer, Apr. 9, '09

(From the Enquirer, so it must be true)

Melanie's parenting tips:

"Melanie shows kid how cool smoking is... Mother of the Year Melanie Griffith fueled more than her 17-year-old daughter Dakota Johnson's nicotine addiction when the paparazzi photographed her lighting her child's cigarette while they were out shopping the other day", Boston Herald, Aug. 8, '06

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Offline Candi

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Re: Salma Hayek vs. Melanie Griffith
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2009, 03:15:30 AM »
Salma Hayek

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Offline Fandango

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Re: Salma Hayek vs. Melanie Griffith
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2009, 11:48:08 PM »
Salma can wrestle down the most women of her height, she's got furious temper in her blood. No chance for silicon Melanie, put my Money saved on her  ;)

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Offline CrashCorrigan

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Re: Salma Hayek vs. Melanie Griffith
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2009, 12:07:18 PM »
Salma will knock the silicone out of Melanie's boobs and the collagen out of her lips!  Go, Salma!

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Offline Candi

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Re: Salma Hayek vs. Melanie Griffith
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2009, 09:51:58 PM »
THE FULL STORY

As the Enquirer reported:

"Stacked SALMA HAYEK blew her stack when dinner companion MELANIE GRIFFITH fired up a cigarette on the patio of trendy West Hollywood eatery Cecconi’s and puffed in the presence of Salma’s 18-month-old baby girl.

Instantly, Salma insisted that she smoke outside or douse her coffin nail pronto!

Melanie snapped that Salma needed to lighten up her parenting technique, and insisted the fumes wouldn’t waft anywhere near her tyke’s tiny nose.

While the wives bitched back and forth, hubbies ANTONIO BANDERAS and FRANCOIS-HENRI PINAULT wisely stayed out of the line of fire-and-smoke – then swiftly changed the subject as Melanie sighed and took her smoky butt outside."


What the Enquirer did not report is that the fiery Mexican followed Melanie out to the street while their husbands stayed at the restaurant.

Salma is only 5'2" and weighs about 120 lbs., with huge breasts and not having lost all her baby weight.  She is 42 and keeps herself in very good shape, working out and eating healthy.

Melanie is also 120 lbs, but stands 5'9" tall.  She is 51 years old.  She is still sexy, but time and lifestyle have taken their toll.  Melanie has lived hard, beginning when she was a child actress in her teens and starting having sex with every guy in Hollywood.  She has battled drug and alcohol dependencies and gotten a lot of plastic surgery.

She started smoking cigarettes when she was just 12 and hasn't stopped since.  Not a day goes by that she doesn't finish a pack of cigarettes, often times a lot more.

Melanie had recently started drinking again and was not handling it well.  Absent the alcohol, maybe she never would have lit up a cigarette in front of Salma's baby, or would have at least handled it better.

Melanie was walking slowly down the street, sucking on her cigarette, and talking on her cell phone when Salma caught up to her.  Antonio likes Melanie in her bad girl mode, so she was wearing her skin tight red leather pants tucked into knee high black leather boots and black leather motorcycle jacket.  She had stuck her pack of Benson & Hedges Menthol 100s and her lighter into a pocket of her leather jacket.

Salma put her hand on Melanie's shoulder and spun her around just as Melanie was passing by a narrow alley between two stores.  Melanie looked shocked as she literally looked down on little Salma.  Salma told her she didn't appreciate how rude Melanie was and Melanie had no right to poison others with her cigarette smoke.  Melanie, buzzed from her drinking, told Salma to shut up and even used a slur regarding Mexicans.

Salma immediately became enraged, clenched a fist, and thrrew a haymaker right into Melanie's soft midsection.  Melanie dropped her cell phone and her cigarette, and doubled over in pain.  Melanie was sinking to her knees when Salma pushed her backwards in the alleyway, sending Melanie to the ground on her leather covered ass.  Melanie was in the fetal position, both hands covering her gut, her face etched in agony.  Her mouth was open and she was gagging for air.

Salma knelt down next to her foe and grasped Melanie's neck with both hands in a two handed choke.  Salma squeezed as hard as she could, closing Melanie's airway.  Melanie's hands went to Salma's wrists, but she was far too weak to fend off her attacker.  Melanie's boots kicked weakly to no avail.  Salma continued to choke Melanie as Melanie thrashed.  Salma was shaking Melanie's head up and down while choking her, crashing Melanie's head into the hard cement alley.  Melanie's tongue was wagging in her open mouth as her smoky lungs struggled for oxygen.

Salma figured she had choked Melanie long enough and finally let go, screaming in her accented English, "Bet you're glad you smoke so much now, you slutty bitch!"  Melanie could do nothing but gasp for air and cough horribly as her lungs spasmed.

Salma stood back up and began stomping Melanie everywhere she could.  She started with Melanie's already injured midsection, landing her high heel shoe in Melanie's belly.  When Melanie's hands finally left her throat long enough to protect her abdomen, Salma stomped on Melanie's chest.  That's when she got the idea to stand on Melanie's throat.  The open area between Salma's high heel and the sole of her shoe fit over Melanie's throat perfectly and allowed her to place all of her 120 lbs. on Melanie's neck.  Melanie's airway closed again and her body reacted, thrashing around like a fish out of water.  But she could do nothing except stare up at Salma with wild, frightened eyes as she felt her chest burning from a lack of oxygen.  Salma smiled down sadistically at the strugggling smoker under her shoe.

Before Melanie could pass out from lack of oxygen, Salma lifted her shoe.  Melanie began hacking horribly as she tried to get air to her blackened lungs.  Melanie's hands were again at her throat as Salma spied metal trashcan in the alley.  She went over to it, took off the cover and looked inside.  Perfect, she thought.  Salma lifted the trash can, carried it over to the prone Melanie, and dumped the loose trash on the sexy 51 year old actress.  Half eaten food, waste papers, discarded containers, and even, appropriately, cigarette butts and ashes cascaded down on Melanie, landing all over her chest, her leather jacket, and her leather pants.  Melanie could do nothing but lay on the ground, still choking and gasping for air, as the trash fell on her.

Salma then took the metal trash can lid and viciously jammed it down on Melanie's crotch.  Melanie's leather pants did nothing to protect her womanhood.  She screamed as best she could, but her lungs again spasmed in their search for oxygen.  Salma brought the lid down again between Melanie's legs, and then laid it over Melanie's crotch.  "That's what trash like you deserves!" Salma snarled as she stalked away.

Salma returned to the restaurant and, without entering, ordered her husband to bring the baby because they were leaving.  She then told Antonio, "You might want to check on your whore in the alley."

Antonio rushed out of the restaurant toward the alley.  There he found Melanie, still on the ground, coughing, gasping, rolling slightly from side to side, disgusting trash and garbage all over her, and the trash can lid on her pelvis.  He knelt down beside her and cradled her head.  Melanie was crying and her hands were still at her throat.  When she could finally choke out a word, it was "Cigarette!"  Antonio took her Benson & Hedges from her jacket and helped her light one.  Melanie's lungs spasmed yet again at the introduction of smoke but the nicotine began to calm her.

To avoid further embarrassment from the paparazzi, Antonio cradled Melanie's body and carried her to the other end of the alley where he laid her down.  He went and got their car and picked her up.  Melanie was not seen in public for weeks.

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barbara stanwyck

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Re: Salma Hayek vs. Melanie Griffith
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2009, 11:46:41 PM »
Suggested alternative ending to your narrative:

Salma grabs the lit cigarette from Antonio’s hand, and uses it to slowly, painfully yet skillfully cauterize Melanie’s pussy.

Suggested alternative forums you may wish to explore:

www.whyquit.com
www.mygreensmoke51.com
www.smokinglobby.com
 
 I will also share a favorite of mine:   www.smokingmeatforums.com
Very little  (alright, none) mention of catfighting, but you will be able to make one mean brisket..

I am inspired by your posts, and your concept of fusing together your 2 main centers of arousal. This concept has been previously explored by one George Costanza, who combined food with sex. I have been composing a story whereby I fight Olivia de Havilland. I literally smoke the bitch’s ass (I use a recipe for Pork Butt), and enjoy it with soft polenta with thyme and Laura Chenel goat cheese, and a bottle of Lipparita Cabernet.

Hope the above has been helpful.

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Offline Candi

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Re: Salma Hayek vs. Melanie Griffith
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2009, 11:22:39 PM »
Helpful is far too week a word for your posts, Barbara.

Fascinating?  Incisive?  Didactic?  Hilarious? 

Nah, no one word quite suffices.

You used the "cauterized" and "fused" and cited an obscure California cheese.

Next time I hope you can find a way to use "soldered" and share your knowledge of sweetbreads!

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barbara stanwyck

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Re: Salma Hayek vs. Melanie Griffith
« Reply #7 on: April 19, 2009, 12:47:53 AM »
Flint, you are as sweet as you are perceptive to get the spirit in which my posts are intended. To pay you your proper respect, I am typing this while wearing a Bergdorf’s leather jacket Gary Cooper gave to me when we wrapped filming of “Ball of Fire” back in ’41. I am also smoking. Not a cigarette, as I gave up  my beloved Chesterfields more than 30 years ago. With my arthritis and osteoporosis, it is really easy to get a medical marijuana card, so I am puffing hard on a really nice strain of Indica, the 303 from Spice Bros. In fact, I am high as shit right now, thank you very much.

Honey, I would be more than happy to share my knowledge of sweetbreads with you, but won’t for 2 reasons. First, it might get this thread off topic, which I am loathe to do. And sweetbreads do not react well to the  smoking process. Better to sautee, fry or grill them (after soaking for up to 24 hours, and then blanching). And to call Laura Chenel goat cheese obscure is to call Chez Panisse itself obscure. You are better than that.

Finally, try as I might, I cannot figure how to use the word “soldered.” Oh, my goodness! I just did!

You are a good egg, Flint. Is Melanie Griffith still in the business? Salma is really hot for a Mexican.

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Offline wolfie8it

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Re: Salma Hayek vs. Melanie Griffith
« Reply #8 on: April 24, 2009, 04:15:28 PM »
Salma would absolutely crush Melanie. NO CONTEST