The following is Part 2 of Chapter 4 of my continuing pirate series - The Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main, Adventures of Captain Michelle and her Crew. This is part 2 of 3 parts entitled "Portobello Preparations". Chapter 4 Part 1 is posted just ahead of this posting so please check it out. As always any feedback is welcomed and appreciated. The names have been changed along with dates to protect the innocent (and possibly the guilty) and as always, those still in witness protection. Thanks again for all the support I have received. And so here we go!!
The Sexy Sluts of the Spanish Main, Adventures of Captain Michelle and her Crew Chapter 4 Part 2 - Portobello PreparationsI stood out on the bow of my flagship, the “
Southern Cross”, as we were once again underway, headed toward Portobello and destiny. The ship rocked back and forth as waves crashed against the sides of the ship in the rough open seas. The seas were starting to calm as we approached Portobello and we were pretty much at about the “point of no return”. I was pacing the deck back and forth, looking out overt the ship and crew, wondering how many of us weren’t going to come back from this adventure. So many times I have led these women into battle and so many times we’ve succeeded. So many times they have bled for me and again and again I ask for more. I often wonder if I ask too much. Our gun crews had done drill after drill, everyone was ready and knew her job. Our marines, sharpshooters, everyone was ready and in spite of my trepidation, I knew it. I drew my sword from its scabbard and extended it out over the bow straight in front of me. My eyes looked down the blade and my hand trembled a little, something it had never done before. I quickly sheathed the sword, not wanting anyone to see the doubt and the fear I was feeling. My resolve could not be questioned at this point. Besides, it was nothing a little of that 25-year-old Japanese Scotch wouldn’t calm. have you tried that stuff? God it puts that so called "Scot" Scotch to shame. Grab some of that 18 year-old Yamazaki Single Malt when you get a chance, you won't be disappointed!
I wasn’t stupid enough to kid myself into thinking we could be as lucky in taking Portobello as we had been when we took Port Royal. At Portobello, three forts were situated around the bay guarding the approach to the city. These forts were well armed and manned (or so we thought). Still, the riches at Portobello made the risk one worth taking and we were determined to take it! Besides, I had a plan and no one works up a plan better than me. No one loves it more when a plan comes together than me!
Portobello – Sin City and Sodom of the Caribbean and Playground for Pirates!
The “great age of piracy” (1500-1825) especially marks the strain between England and Spain; for English pirates most eagerly preyed on Spanish ships, which had long dominated the Caribbean waters.
In the middle of the 17th century, Spain still possessed the greatest empire in the world. “New Spain” included the entire coast of the Gulf of Mexico, all of the territory that is now Florida to California; Mexico and all of Central America; the islands of Cuba, Puerto Rico and Hispaniola; and all of South America with the exception of Portuguese-owned Brazil. Furthermore, the Spaniards had seemingly ended up with all the territory producing gold and silver. For more than a century they had been shipping it home by the proverbial “shitload” (in the vernacular of the times it was called a “galleon-load”). I had determined the Spanish, whom I detested with a passion, were a bunch of over indulgent pigs that had more than there share and it was MY turn now. I owed it to my good friends the Spanish to relieve them of their gold and remove the many temptations that such abundant wealth presented.
Portobello was still a growing city and was rapidly becoming commercialized and that troubled me. You know what I’m talking about. Think about Cancun and how that used to be a great place to take a vacation and now its fucking “Vegas on the Gulf”. Doesn’t that just CHAP YOUR ASS? I mean what in the Wide Wide World of FUCK is going on?? What is going to be the next shoe to drop? COZUMEL?
Holy FUCK!! NOT COZUMEL!! COZUMEL IS AWESOME! MUTHAFUCKA!!!
My God do you know how many times me and Harper, Anne and Mary got WASTED at “SENOR FROGS” in Cozumel??? I mean blind, shit-faced “I’ll barf all over you” DRUNK!!! Love that fucking place!! Best margaritas in the Caribbean and the Gulf, BAR NONE!
And WOW! They have these GREAT CHICKEN AND CHEESE NACHOS!! FUCK!!! THREE DIFFERENT CHEESES, JALEPENOS, SOUR CREAM!! They had the best selection of Cuban cigars in the Bay area, even those hard to find Arteuro Fuente Maduros! Cozumel even has a freaking “HARD ROCK CAFE!! Can you believe it? I’ve got the tee short to prove it!
Anyway, I got sidetracked! Back to the Portobello Plan!!
Every year, gold, silver and other treasures would be sent down from Peru to the west coast of South America, where it was sent to Panama City. Then carried by mules overland to Portobello, where it was loaded onto a massive, heavily armed treasure fleet to be shipped back to Spain. Now here is what has always bugged the living shit out of me. Why did they send that gold and silver down by pack mule? I mean, why not a caravan of those new Range Rover Sports? Have you seen that car? Holy shit!! More excitement, more individuality, more luxury!!
(Yes I sound like a commercial, SO WHAT?)
That’s the 2014 Range Rover Sport. Go see your friendly neighborhood Land Rover dealer today and test drive one!! It’s Land Rover…”Above and Beyond!”
(That was what is called “a word from my sponsor”. Someone has to pay the fucking bills when I’m writing this Pulitzer Prize winning shit!)
During these times of gold and silver arrival, Portobello was like a boomtown and there was no “pleasure” you could not avail yourself of with the right amount of money. The population would swell to close to one hundred thousand during “Treasure Time” as it was called locally. Otherwise it was a dull place with only a couple thousand regular inhabitants and about 6 casinos. Fucking Donald Trump (is that fucker’s hair for real?) and Steve Wynn (pussy) owned ALL the casinos in the town and they just about owned the WHOLE DAMN town too, save for the Applebee’s and the Donut Shop at the far end of “The Strip”. The fuckers even tried to get a WALMART put in!!! GAWD!!! A fucking WALMART!!!! NO WAY!!!
I almost ran for city council to stop that!!! Seriously! Really! Can you see me on the city council?
The Defenses of Portobello (Some Technical Shit)In spite of the fact that it could be a dull backwater a lot of the time, Portobello had decent defenses in place on account of the presence of the Spanish treasures and the casinos. The best part of the Portobello defenses from my standpoint, as captain of the largest pirate fleet on the high seas, was that it was being defended BY THE FUCKING SPANISH!! HA!! Is there NO WORSE NAVY on the high seas than the Spanish navy? Talk about WORTHLESS! Someday in the future, the Spanish will be all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs will have glass bottoms so the MODERN Spanish fleet can get a really good look at the OLD Spanish navy UP CLOSE and PERSONAL.
The Spanish navy as a defense is about like using a croissant as a fucking dildo! It just doesn’t get the job done and it makes a FUCKING MESS!
Remember that shit with the Spanish Armada? Fucking Brits kicked the Spanish Armada’s ASS!! The BRITS?? That itty-bitty island!! It’s like today we’d think of the Spanish Armada as terrorists. You know how we have those silly terrorists alerts, the red, green, orange, chartreuse, off-white, and teal? Well, the Brits had their own terrorist alerts. When they heard the Spanish Armada was coming, they raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." No shit! Soon, though, security levels were raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been at a security level of "A Bit Cross" since the late great William Wallace crossed into England from Scotland and sacked York and Mel Gibson went on that fucking bender! When the Armada was sighted in the channel in 1588, the Brits raised the terrorist alert to its highest level, "Bloody Nuisance.
Now the Scots are unique. The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get The Bastards!!" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. I shit you not!
The French government during this pirate “shit storm” in the Caribbean (created by yours truly and her fleet) raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". A fire in 1697 that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability, also precipitated the rise in the terrorist level by the French to its highest level. I shit you not!
The Spanish forces at Portobello were under the command of General Castellan Alexandro Manuel Pau (seriously, that’s his real name. Might as well have been John Holmes/aka Johnny Wad for all I cared). He was like a youngster, barely 30 years old and arrogant as shit until you faced him down (typical Spaniard btw). I remember getting in a fight with him at that bar, Senor Frogs in Cozumel (I mentioned that place earlier) about a year earlier and I kicked his boney ass!! He was in there with a few of his officers and had just a little too much to drink. I guess he decided if he kicked my ass or killed me he’d make a name for himself. I took issue with such thoughts naturally. He thought because I was a woman he’d kick my ass pretty easy but I told him before we started our fight
“Senor, there are two kinds of pain. The sort of pain that makes you strong and then there’s useless pain, the sort of pain that’s only suffering. I have no patience for useless things. Right now, you are feeling really, really useless to me”
“I’m not in the mood so please DON’T FUCK WITH ME!”
(I was a little drunk)
Captain Michelle Goes PsychoNow, before we go any farther, lets discuss this idea of women and bar fights/encounters just briefly here, as to be honest I could devote an entire story to just to this. Lets segue a brief moment to the following topic because I think its worth some honorable mention.
"Women Are Very Fucking Capable of Initiating Violence In A Bar Fight" – "What a Great Title for a Master’s Thesis!!!"As a captain of a pirate ship and head of a fleet of pirates, we end up in bars A LOT! I tried to stop drinking a few years ago, went to 30 day rehab (Betty Ford), saw a therapist, the whole nine freaking yards. I am here to freely admit it DID NOT TAKE! COME ON! BE HONEST! You didn’t think it would anyway! I have been to Betty Ford so many times I have a frequent visitor card! So I come at this from a unique, albeit skewed perspective. I have seen so many cases of other women in those bars starting a fight. When these cases first started coming to my attention, my understanding of women engaging in violence was colored by the idea that a woman would be aggressive in cases where she felt an emotional and personal provocation — if she thought another woman was trying to poach her man, or if her man had cheated on her, or something like that. Another case would be that the man dissed her, and lord knows as a female pirate captain, I am used to not being shown any respect by my male counterparts. I admit this way of looking at the world was quite sexist of me, and rather patronizing towards men. That’s how I feel though and I refuse to apologize for it, so SUCK ON IT!
But sometimes, for example, a woman just gets drunk and doesn’t like being cut off by the bartender (especially when he calls her babe or honey), just like her male counterpart (I find that if a male bartender calls another male honey in a bar, I’m probably in the wrong fucking bar!). Or she responds disproportionately (You throw a hand grenade, she fires back with a cruise missile) to a trivial miscommunication as though it were an intentional insult, intellectual put-down or a challenge, just like a drunken man more stereotypically will. We all have seen the case of the male who had too much to drink in a bar all of a sudden getting very loud and belligerent, in short, a fucking asshole! (You guys know who you are so don’t fucking sit there with your mouths wide open like I just said something you have NEVER heard or seen before out of yourself!)
Conquering my original prejudice that women are disinclined to violence, as a means of conflict resolution was an uncomfortable bit of growth I had to go through as a pirate, in part because I didn’t think that it was a very complimentary sort of thing to either feel or observe. Then again I am a fucking pirate after all, and that does tend to skew one’s judgment. I have since begun to realize there is much truth to that assertion and consider it a compliment to think I am considered inclined towards violence. Although I’d still like to be known for my mind a bit! Like DUH! OK, that’s a damn lie. I WANT TO BE KNOWN for my body just as much as my mind too. Oh whom am I kidding! “Body” TRUMPS mind every damn day!!
Studies have shown that women were faster to employ weapons than men (No shit Sherlock!) (Do you think I carry a cutlass and three pistols to use as paperweights?), whether prepared (the knife, those pussy ninja metal star thingies, mace spray, bottle of acid) or improvised. Improvised weapons are almost always thrown, and have included highball glasses, shot glasses, beer mugs, purses, pool balls, pool cues, bar stools, knives, and in one notable case, the assailant’s own feces (Guilty as charged your honor! I’ll tell that story in a future story!). Male bar fighters used weapons too, but in my research and experience less frequently than your average female. Male fighters use environmental objects to assist in their hand-to-hand combat (slamming an opponent into a wall, bashing an opponent’s head into a parked car or door).
Neither male nor female assailants seemed to care all that much about the sex of their co-combatants. When people go ape, sex just doesn’t seem to slow down the hemorrhaging much. The men seemed to think women were perfectly appropriate targets for their violence based on their behavior (e.g., cutting in line ahead of them for a bathroom, pushing and shoving, and/or slurred insults and challenges); female bar-fighters did not demonstrate any particular concern about perceived imbalances between their own physical abilities and that of the men with whom they were fighting. I’m reluctant to call this phenomenon a triumph of cultural progression towards gender equality or a victory for feminism, so you can make of it what you will. Some might even call it an acceptable bout of stupidity (I lean towards this idea personally). Either that or in my personal case, its just when I lose my temper like that, I am not thinking all that clearly (I know what you’re thinking so don’t even say it! I'm fucking serious! DON'T SAY IT!).
In any event, the bar fight against the Spanish pussy, I mean the general, wasn’t all that much of a fight. He had an issue with me before we had exchanged a single word, spouting off “I’ll not permit such an abomination aboard my ship!” he snarled. “She’s wearing PANTS! Heaven and Earth, I’ll not abide it! No strumpet pirate cxnt will board my ship!” “By Heaven!” he bellowed, “Damn me for a coward if I permit some pirate whore slut, a mere woman, to plunder my ship. Let alone will she ever set foot on it!”
Let me do a short segue here and say “Is it me or are many European men just POMPOUS ass’s?” Just sayin….
I’m sitting at another table with Harper and Anne and I lean over to them and say, “Do you think this shithead is a Ninja?” “You know how I hate Ninjas!”
I then standup and turn and say to the Spanish twit,
“Did you ever notice how the best thing about human beings is that they stack SO NEATLY.” “I think you’ll fit neat on a stack of bodies, both you and your crew, unless you SHUT THE FUCK UP SIR!”
(OK, I admit that might have been a bit on the radical side. Sometimes my bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired. If you want fucking sensitivity, call Dr. Phil!)
He and the members of his crew all rose up from their table at once, always a good sign that the SHIT is about to hit the proverbial fan! He then had motioned his own crew back, indicating that he intended to deal with my “threat” himself. That, my friends, was his FIRST mistake.
“MICHELLE!” “NO!” Harper yelled again. “DON’T HURT HIM!!”
“The health insurance WON”T cover it!”
The Spaniard looked at me and froze a second and appeared to be having a rational moment for a change as he said, “Well, maybe I was a bit hasty in my evaluation of you Captain”
I looked at the Spaniard one more time, my hand on my sword and said quietly, “SUCK UP ISN’T GONNA FIX FUCK UP…BITCH!”
(Yeah, I know, I did it again didn’t I? Paging Dr. Phil! Paging Dr. Phil!)
The Spaniard quickly pulled his blade from its scabbard and raised it, seeing it flash in the overhead light as he raised it over his head and swung the sword in a wide arc as he aimed a violent slash at my long legs.
Harper’s breath stopped as she screamed out. “CAPTAIN!!!”
That was the Spaniard’s first mistake! I leaped nimbly into the air, over the slash, and came down up on top of the wooden table, then jumped over him to a table behind him as he screamed out in frustration!
(Your Goddamn right that was impressive, and don’t you fucking try that at home! I saw that in the movie “Captain Blood”, in my opinion, the greatest pirate movie of all time)
The Spaniard whipped around and glared at me.
“FUCKING PIRATE SLUT!” “TROUSER-WEARING cxnt!” “GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING BAR YOU FILTHY WHORE!”
(I am starting to get the impression this prick doesn’t like me much!)
He lunged at me again, slashing up with his blade at my face! I jerked my head back and parried his cut by slashing my sword across my body about chest level and slapping his blade aside with a loud CLANG! I disengaged him, dancing back, the ends of my mouth turning up in a wide smile. I stepped back a few more steps, twisting my body such that only my right side was exposed and facing him, my hand clutching my cutlass tightly in my extended right arm as I twirled the end of the blade at him! My large dark eyes stare at him down along the glistening steel and suddenly and quickly I thrust the point UP with an upward flick and snap of my wrist and catch the brim of his hat and stick it on the point of my sword, jerking it up off his head!! I then brought the hat back to me and pulled it off the point of my sword with my left hand, waving it above my head!
“Come get it BITCH!” I scream at him, then stick my long wet sexy tongue out at him and thrust my crotch out at him and rotate it a few times in a few hard “bump and grind” moves!! He lunges at me and swings his blade wildly at my head and I duck under it and nimbly dance around and behind him! I then SWAT him in HIS FAT ASS ass with the flat end of my cutlass and he yelps like a little girl and jumps a few feet!! I then SLASH the Spaniard across his chest, my sword a blur, the razor sharp blade SLASHING open his tunic and cutting open the top layer of skin, watching as the red begins to soak through the material!! He SCREAMS out more in anger than anything else, as the cut just barely broke the top layer of skin and was far from lethal! He then let out with a blood-curdling scream and clutched at his chest!!!
I spoke in a low measured voice, as I wasn’t even breathing hard. “Señor,” “I know not who you are, but you are sadly lacking in manners!! That is no way to speak to a lady!! Drop your sword, and you and your friends will be allowed live!!” “You have my word as a Captain!!”
His face was red, contorted and covered with perspiration and he was wheezing and coughing. He screamed back at me “Take the word of a pirate WHORE?” “NEVER!!”
The silly Spaniard came at me again, lunging and slashing madly, and again I parried!! I then stopped retreating and began to circle, my footwork light and balanced, in contrast to the clumsy man’s lumbering steps. “Please, Señor!” “STOP this foolish attack!” “I do not wish to harm you!” I yelled in a pleading voice!
I stayed on the toes of my boots and kept slowly, relentlessly circling him, my sword extended at him.
The silly Spaniard screamed back “What if I slice your nipples off with my sword you WHOREBAG?” “HUH!”
THAT PISSED ME OFF!! I REALLY have always liked my nipples a lot!
The Spaniard, panting like a dog, cursed me again, slashing wildly at my head. I ducked, but as I did so, the tip of the fucking Spaniard’s sword caught the tip of the white plume on my hat, cutting it in off!
I sprang back, saw the puff of white feather fluttering in the breeze, and my expression darkened. I mean I was PISSED! “You POMPOUS MOTHERFUCKER!” I was screaming and spitting I was so mad! “I paid 20 pesos for that feather!” “You stop this nonsense you COCKSUCKER!”
And then I finally just said FUCK IT and I lunged at him!!
My form was flawless, a thing of beauty! My sword slid in past Spaniard’s guard as smoothly as a dolphin’s leap, and the tip of my sword found the fleshy upper part of the man’s sword arm. I pinked him, lightly, and disengaged, leaping backward. I then quickly leapt back in and slashed the tip of my sword across his CROTCH! He drops his sword, hearing it clatter on the wooden floor! He then screams out and dropped like a rock to his knees, clutching his crotch!!
Harper runs in and bends down and looks closely and looks up at me and busts out laughing!!
“God Damn Chelley!” “You trying to do a John Bobbit on him?” “Close but you just nicked him!” “He did piss himself though!” “PEWWWWWWWW!!” “JESUS H. CHRIST!”
Harper finally quits laughing and says, "We got good news and bad news Captain!" "The bad news is he pissed himself!' "The good news is he won't be needing that pesky vasectomy in the future!"
Suddenly a Spanish lieutenant that was with the General came at us with his sword drawn! My back was turned to him but Harper lunges at him and gets between him and me and executes a perfect double-legged drop kick to his mid-section!! He drops like a rock and lies on the floor crying like a baby!! She then gets up and goes over and jump off the floor with both feet, kick her legs and feet out from under her, and comes down landing on her ass and executing a perfect elbow drop to his balls!! OWWW!!! Oh wait, he’s a Spaniard, he CAN'T HAVE ANY BALLS!!
We got our asses out of there PRONTO before the Spanish police showed up, which would have gave a bad ending to what was our “Cozumel Excellent Adventure”
I beat that Spanish PRICK like a redheaded stepchild! Harper and Anne wanted to hang his ass but I decided to let him go with a stern lecture.
As we were leaving the bar, Harper said to me “Damn Captain, we're making this an early evening!" "Does this mean we won’t get to see you drunk and have you start asking which of us wants to go down in the rabbit hole with you?”
Harper and Anne snickered and one thing that pisses a Captain off more than anything is when her subordinates snicker at her!
I looked at Harper and glared “FUCK YOU Harper, I need coffee BAD!!”
“Is there a Starbucks in Cozumel?”
“Oh and Harper, if you keep badmouthing Alice and the White Rabbit your bonus this year won’t be shit and I’ll BURY YOU IN A HOLE!”
We have a basic law on my ship; no one kids me about “Alice in Wonderland” and “Through the Looking Glass” as my father used to read me those stories all the time when I was a little girl.
Harper turns and lifts her right hand and extends her middle finger to me, much to my shock and surprise! “Captain its three fucking am!” “So next time why don't you pack an espresso machine in your BIG FUCKIN' BITCH BAG if you want COFFEE!"
I place my hands on my hips and smile at her as Anne stands by looking skyward and whistling “Why thank you Harpy, your Captain loves it when you show her a little respect”
Who says Captain Michelle isn’t a sweet good-natured benevolent soul? Come on! COME ON!!! WHO YOU FUCKERS?? I mean I could have HUNG him, RIGHT? HUH? IT SHOWS I'M GETTING BETTER....RIGHT? THE THERAPY HAS HELPED SOME.....I THINK?
Final Preparations for the AttackI sent word out that I intended to lead a raid on the Spanish and sailed out on the 1st of February 1797 to the well known rendezvous at Isla Vaca, a tiny island that hovers innocently just under the lower strut of Hispaniola’s south western shore, were I waited for my Buccaneers to gather. MY ability to draw women to my cause was proved a month later in May, by which time some 38 ships and between 1,500 and 2,000 women had arrived at Isla Vaca. On the 1st of July I called all the captains together and told them of my intention to attack Panama, and the richest port in the Spanish colonies, Portobello. Every captain received a vote; the result was in favor of the scheme.
As I said earlier, there were three castles to contend with to get at Portobello. The question was, just how ready were these forts for an attack by someone as awesome as the Dread Pirate Michelle and her crew?
Such were the defenses on paper, anyway. Because of the castles, the people of Portobello had known years of peace and were not ready for an attack in 1797. I sent in advance scouts led by Harper and Mary and we found out the castles were seriously undermanned: there were ony 150 men out of 300 in San Felipe, 200 men out of 400 in Santiago, and only 75 in the unfinished castle of San Gerónimo. There were a few hundred soldiers in town as well on the night of July 10, where many of them would spend the night. Although the soldiers had good small arms including pistols and muskets, some of the cannons in the castles were in bad repair and there was a shortage of grenades. The gunners also were not experienced enough to man all the cannons if needed.
They also determined the Spanish were using San Felipe as whorehouse. I shit you not! I told you it was a lot like Las Vegas!! They had soldiers and officers running through there at all hours of the day and night
Even cooler was that they were having this topless mud wrestling tournament at San Felipe that night so you know there was like “no one at home” in terms of being ready for an attack! Hey! I didn’t get to be Captain because I’m just a babe. I do my homework and I don’t make mistakes. I knew I had to know what was going on with regard to Portobello’s defenses or I would be putting my crew and my entire fleet into a SALAD SPINNER OF FUCK!
End of Part 2 Chapt 4© 2014 by Michelle/Southern Cross Enterprises. All rights reserved.
