[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK--My name is Dawn.  I'm 47 and divorced for three years, and suffering from a serious case of Empty Nest Syndrome.  My only daughter just completed her sophomore year of college, and is staying on campus for her summer job and not visiting me very much.  My heart is breaking from loneliness.  I like being alone--just not away from her, or at least not for this long.  I'm happy for her, but very sad.  To snap me out of my funk, three of my girlfriends invited me to their summer beachhouse in Ocean City, Maryland.  It's a summer party town, and they're gonna help me get into some trouble.  To them, that means sex with strangers, which really isn't my thing.  I'm not a prude, and I went thru my post-divorce sex bender already.  With both men and women.  But my partner has to be someone I know, and who knows me; and that won't happen in Ocean City.  But I DO want some trouble in Ocean City.  I want to get into a catfight.  Last summer, one of my girlfriends said she had a barfight there with a woman in another group.  I couldn't stop thinking about it at the time, and one year later, still can't.  I've also long been jealous of the casual way my daughter has always talked about girlfights, her own or her friends', during her years growing up.  Such nonchalance about girlfighting was unthinkable when I was growing up in the early 1990s, before Skype or Facebook or even the internet.  But enough about me.  My question is this.  Any tips for some catfighting excitement during my summer vacation?  I'll be there two weeks.

Dear Dawn--your situation, and aspirations, are one's we hear often at TABSK.  Now, the specifics of the bar setting:  that's sort of like meeting a sex pickup--it happens at a bar, but is not to be recommended.  Your opponent is almost certainly operating with suppressed inhibitions, and may have a switchblade or improvised pool stick or beer bottle weapon, and may not hesitate to use it.  Like the scene with Adam Sandler and his 3rd grade school teacher in "Billy Msdison", that's not a catfight, it's assault.  And that's not exciting.  Instead, find an opponent on the beach while tanning.  You'll be with a group, and you'll meet other groups of similarly-aged (and, despite your borderline self-pity [sorry!], similarly-situated women in the loneliness department).  Let the leader of your group be your wingman and approach the leader of their group, and negotiate a battle.  Not there on the beach of course, but back at the condo.  Both the pugilists and the spectators will have some combative, but sober, excitement.  Now THAT'S a summer vacation to look forward to.  Best wishes, and let us know how it turns out.

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK--My name is Cassie.  I'm a long-time "lurker" of your column.  I'm not sure why--I've never been in need of any catfighting advice, and never thought I would be.  Until two weeks ago, when I read the letter from your reader, Dawn, the 47-year old empty-nester looking to get into a catfight this summer in Ocean City, Maryland.  I, too, am a 47-year old recent divorcee, who also went thru what Dawn so aptly called a post-divorce sex bender, and came out the other end feeling empty and unfulfilled.  Like something was missing.  And, like Dawn, I am also feeling the separation from my college-aged daughter, who is lately enjoying the company of her college-aged school friends more than her single mom.  And, like Dawn's daughter, mine also has had her share of Snapchat and Instagram catfights, causing me to wonder how my college years would have been different if I had had access to those technologies.  I know from many years of reading TABSK that you don't arrange catfights between readers or swap addresses.  But let's just say that my daughter happens to be a student at Johns Hopkins and spends July in Ocean City, and that after reading Dawn's letter I just happen to have made arrangements to visit my daughter this summer, and that if Dawn's wingman friends happens to see both of is wearing our Johns Hopkins t-shirts at a certain famous happy hour watering hole at 4:30 on any weekday during Dawn's two-week visit, I am sure her wingman will be quite successful in arranging the type of catfight Dawn is seeking.  8n fact, perhaps Dawn can bring her daughter, and Dawn and I can get "in the mood" by having our more experienced daughters show us how it's done.  Just sayin'.  Cassie

Dear Cassie--You are correct.  TABSK is not a catfight matchmaking service.  But if anything should happen in July in Ocean City, we'd be happy to publish the outcome.  Just sayin'.

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK--Hello, just an anonymous "lurker" here who has read your column for years, but never felt moved to write in until the recent oh-sssooo-hot repartee between Dawn and Cassie.  I'm the same age, give or take, as these lovely ladies; and also have a college-aged Millenial daughter.  But that's where the similarities stop.  Unlike them, I'm blessed with a still-loving husband; (the only man I've ever slept with--<blush> ) and, also unlike them, my daughter isn't growing away from me--she's growing closer.  And we owe it all to ..... CATFIGHTING!!!  You see, when my daughter was in high school, she heard the siren song of Facebook and Snspchat snd Instagram, cslling to her to waych, or partake in, teenage girlfights.  My husband and I, though, put our foot down:  No fighting or suspensions or detentions, no matter what the provocation, until high school as over.  Well, guess what?  Upon graduation, my wise-ass daughter called my bluff, and the summer after high school ended, filled me in on a little love triangle brewing between her, a guy from college freshman orientation, and said guy's girlfriend.  Who had a bitchy mom all over the internet, since she was a washed-up real estate broker.  The girl's mom and I texted up a storm for a few nights, then arranged to meet .... WITH our daughters.  The girls showed us how Millennial girls fight, then we Mom's were in the mood for a round ....  or seven.  The rest is history--my daughter and I have been in 8 mother-daughter fights total .... and still counting.  And we've never been closer.  So, hell yes .... go Dawn, and go Cassie .... hope ya meet up in Ocean City.  Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous:  The family that fights together stays together.  Best of luck with your marriage, and best of luck to you and your daughter.  And thanks for writing in.  Our best advice comes not from us, but from our readers.

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK--Hey, Cassie here.  Welp, that was a big let down.  My daughter and I interrupted our summer work schedules and spent some UNPAID vacation days in Ocean City, MD (not impressed!!!, btw--very dated and rundown.... but I digress--this a catfight column, not a Travel section).  Meeting Dullard Dawn was not worth the trip--and she didn't even bring her daughter.  So MY daughter was all dressed up, with no one to fight.  Now, obviously I was more than DTF--Down To Fight--with the ... ahem ...... woman.  But Dawn didn't even rise to that challenge.  She was all blah..blah..blah about rules .... and being sensible ..... and getting to know each other first.  Eww.  I came for a fight, not to make friends.  So to bitch and moan, but c'mon .... don't waste my time, Dawn-y.  No wonder your husband divorced you.  Cassie

Dear Cassie--Although our charter prevents us from acting as an intermediary between individual readers, in light of the uniqueness of your and Dawn's encounter, we've taken the liberty of forwarding your note to her, and giving her the opportunity to provide her perspective.  Here is what she had to say.  TABSK

Dear TABSK--Thank you for forwarding Cassie's note along.  I'm sorry she and her daughter feel they were inconvenienced by anything I said or did.  Our notes should have made it clear to any unbiased observer that I'm new to catfighting, while she and her family are quite experienced.  Cassie did indeed identify me and approach me one night in Ocean City.  But she went way way way way too fast.  She immediately wanted to get me in a room alone with her and her daughter, two people who I don't know from Adam, and who p.s. are both three or four inches taller than me.  She had flavored vodka on her breath, and was speaking in slurred words about "as enemies, not as friends", "nothing off limits", "no holds barred".  I had remembered your warning about barfight spiralling out of control, and her body language and attitude were such that it felt like something would break out right there on the dance floor.  I tried "talking her down" and seeing if we could work out an arrangement which would be mutually satisfactory, but I was unsuccessful in calming her.  After about 10 minutes of awkward discussion, I was sort of "done with" Cassie, and she got the message.  I stayed the week in Ocean City and halfheartedly tested the waters with some other women, but my fingers had been burned by Cassie and so my heart wasn't in it.  I'd still like to have a catfight, even possibly with Cassie.  But I guess it wasn't meant to be this summer.  Dawn

Dear Dawn and Cassie--We're sorry for any disappointment you may have experienced in your crossed signals at Ocean City, and for any role we at TABSK may have had in it.  America is increasingly an unequal society where we mingle with those with our own interests and not with anyone else, and your Missed Connection may have been one unavoidable victim of that sad state.  But, Cassie--we're gonna hafta call you out on this one.  Dawn has never been in a grownup catfight--if she makes her debut against you, you're gonna kick her ass.  That might be ok with everyone--we've all been-there-done-that as far as rookie lump-taking goes; but, as such, going easy on the pre-fight trash talk is YOUR responsibility.  On top of that--Cassie, you're that much taller than Dawn?  The SMALLER woman in a size mismatch throws the first punch, ok?  Now ..... if this fight is not meant to be, so be it; you both got the thrill of an Ocean City bar argument.  But, we also think perhaps something can be salved here.  Your college age daughters appear to be a better matchup experience-wise, and perhaps both have free time over the Christmas-New Year holiday.  Perhaps you ladies can bond with your daughters over a End-of-Decade New Years' Eve bash-slash-daughter-daughter-catfight on 12/31/2019.  Don't answer now--let us know around, let's say, Halloween, what you think.  We at TABSK have not shared your locations with each other, but have a mutually accessible setting in mind.  Again, think about it for now.  And readers, let this be a lesson to you.  It takes TWO to tango.  Catfights don'tgrow on trees.  TABSK

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK--Dawn, here.  The INexperienced member of the Dawn-Cassie missed connection from Ocean City.  Now, I realize TABSK is not a catfight matchmaking service, so this letter is not directed at her or her bitch daughter.  Although if you choose to publish it and she should happen to read it, that can't be helped, right?  Just sayin'.  Any hoo -- although still less experienced in the sweet science than Cassie, I am now more experienced than when Cassie met me in July.  Yes, I've done it.  I've had my first genuine MILF catfight.  Since it was my first, I of course got my ass kicked.  Sort of like how your first post-divorce Tinder sex is bad sex.  But the point is, I did it--I went to a summer fair with my Ocean City wing(wo)man in our town on Saturday night, started up some chatter/girltalk with a biker-chick-looking woman my age and size, give or take 5 years, 3 inches, and 10 pounds, and retired to a nearby alley.  We squared up, exchanged left jabs to our chests, and then catballed on the pavement.  She somehow ended up on top, and kept me there with her knees and legs.  She started scratching the exposed skin between my chin and my bust, begging me to give.  I didn't--and she could tell I wouldn't.  That I was there to prove something to myself as much as to her.  We stayed on the ground, her mounting me, for about 15 minutes.  She enjoyed the feeling of mounting another woman, but I enjoyed the feeling of being locked in my first real fight, so we were in equilibrium.  A crowd was starting to figure out a girlfight was happening in the alley, so we reluctantly broke up, and she ran.  So, here's the point.  TABSK .... Cassie ..... my daughter and I will be in Ocean City .... again .... the 3rd week of August.  I will respond less ... awkwardly .... to your brash, unrefined trash talk.  Don't back out--we know at least your daughter will be in the area re-enrolling in school.
 Just sayin.'  Dawn.

Dear Dawn--Look at you, girl.  I think our role right now is to step aside and publish your letter.  Just sayin'.  TABSK

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK--Cassie here.  I probably should have never involved myself in Dawn's mid-life divorcee drama.  All of gotten out of my troubles are a rejection to a direct challenge from Dawn, and then a scolding from TABSK for my good intentions (no good deed goes unpunished, apparently).  My reading comprehension might not be what it used to be, but my lying eyes seem to tell me that TABSK has broken its taboo to being a catfighting match-making service, and made available for Dawn, her daughter, my daughter, and myself to test our catfighting abilities at a neutral location during the 2019/20 Christmas/New Years break season.  Dawn has obtusely remained silent of that offer, and counteroffers a replay of our Ocean City fiasco from earlier in the summer.  My response to her not-in-good-faith counterproposal:  Hell, no.  Dawn, when TABSK offers a neutral arena for catfight combat, that's a gift horse you don't look in the mouth.  You pounce.  So, TABSK, send my daughter and I the GPS address of your proposed 12/31/19 location, and let's ring in the the new decade in style.  Either with a catfight war between myself/my daughter and Dawn/her daughter, or same with another suitable duo.  Think carefully about your response, Dawn.  And choose wisely.  Cassie.

Dear Cassie--Well, as they say in the movies that escalated quickly.  Now, brace yourself--we need to .... again .... admonish you on a technical point.  Our offer was for a catfight location between you and DAWN, not you and JUST ANYONE.  So if Dawn declines, Dec 31 ain't happenin' .... at least our involvement in it isn't.  So, Dawn..... the ball is in your court.  Let us know by October 31.   TABSK

[JT Edson]

I can hardly wait for the next part.

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK--Dawn here.  I know you gave me until Halloween to respond to your offer of a New Year's Eve catfight, arranged by TABSK, against big-mouth Cassie.  Well, guess what?  Even though that deadline is still almost two full months away, I don't need that long.  I can give you my answer now.  My answer is a big, resounding, HELL YES.  I was leaning towards yes anyways, but in light of something that happened last week, Cassie and I meeting is now unavoidable.  Because our daughters couldn't help themselves.  My daughter had returned to the Great State of Maryland, back for another year of school at Johns Hopkins.  And on a hunch, she had a friend take her to Ocean City.  And also on a hunch, Cassie's daughter was at the bar where Cassie and I met up this summer.  And the two of them, my daughter and Cassie's daughter, "found each other", and went to a deserted section of beach.  And, I'm proud to report, my daughter kicked Cassie's daughter's ass.  And Cassie's daughter can't accept defeat like a woman--she's pestering my daughter non-stop for a rematch.  So, Cassie, if there's any wounded family pride on your end, tell your Dead-end daughter to leave my All-American daughter alone now.  You two have a beef with us?  Let's you and I settle this.  I'll put my inexperienced catfight record on the line against yours.  Show me what ya got, sweetie.  Dawn

Dear Dawn.  Enclosed are two round-trip plane tickets and hotel reservation for you at our all-inconclusive resort for you for the Christmas/New Years' 2019/2020 Break.  Bring a boyfriend, your daughter (congratulations on her victory, btw), a fight coach--your choice.  But see you then.  Cassie, can we count you in?  TABSK

Dear TABSK--Dawn and her daughter are lying rats.  MY daughter won the Ocean City beach fight.  If Dawn and her daughter have a scintilla of honor, Dawn's New Year's guest will BE her daughter, (as MY guest will be MY daughter), and the 4 of us can work this out, and we can once and for all separate the women from the girls.  I doubt this will end up all coming together, but thank you for trying.  My daughter and I will hold up our part of the bargain, that I promise.  Cassie

Dear Cassie (and Dawn)--We at TABSK normally don't endorse 2-on-2 catfighting.  It bears too much resemblance to corny Saturday Morning 1970s tag team wrestling.
But if you 4 women insist, who are we to stop you?  TABSK

[JT Edson]

Damn. I almost missed this one!

[sinclairfan]

Dear TABSK--Dawn, here, again.  I'm training/preparing for my New Year's Eve showdown with Cassie, which you've so generously offered to host.  I'm not backing out, and that bitch Cassie better not, either.  That's not what this is about.  What this IS about is our daughters.  TABSK, they've been 'DM'-ing (Direct Messaging) each other constantly.  My daughter shares their online exchanges, which, despite my daughter being enrolled at a supposedly 'elite university', appear to consist of (small) variations of
> What??
> Why u DMing me??
> What u gonna do about it, bitch??
> U wanna fight me or sumthin??
> All u did our first fight was pull hair.
> U think u were gangsta or sumthin' that fight??
> Why, whatchyu gonna do??
> [Various indecipherable emoji's]
TABSK, I'm going to see this thru and settle things with Cassie.  My question is this:  is it counterproductive for my daughter to have gotten involved with Cassie's daughter.  I want my daughter aspiring to higher friends and acquaintances, not stooping down to the level of people like, ..... , well, Cassie and Cassie's daughter.  Should I tell my daughter to "log off" from this feud?  Dawn

Dear Dawn--Coupla things going on here, we think.  First is:  isn't avoidance of women like Cassie exactly what landed you in the position of being a lonely 40-something Empty Nest divorcee with a craving for a Summer Vacation catfight?  Is that the future you want for your daughter?  Second is:  there's a generational thing going on here.  Girls of your daughter's generation text and post and DM each other to let off steam--sort of the way women of your generation would gossip on the telephone.  Telling her not to engage is like telling the sun not to shine--you can try it, but don't get your hopes too high.  Keep on training.  And siya New Years' Eve.  We can't wait!  TABSK