My bad sex with Fallon made me feel bad about myself. It was a killer to my self-esteem. Was I not attractive enough for her? Not smart enough? Not successful enough? Not rich .... or connected, well-bred ..... enough?
OMG, what if it was all of the above.
I felt like a loser.
But, I also had a revelation. Was the rejection I was feeling the same rejection guys felt when they wouldn't flirt with me? Had they been burned by too many attractive girls in their past? Or, worse, gotten them into bed only to have bad sex with them?
Is that why they went for the 7's, not the 9's?
Did I need to show them that they didn't need to worry about that with me? Or, at least, that I was worth the risk?
Fallon just lay back when we were in bed and waited for me to do everything. Was that how guys perceived me?
Did I start needing to do more work in the flirting process? (It's not a 'process', but you know what I mean.)
I had a spring break coming up.
Should I check in on Tennis Tommy? See what he's up to?
This was 1988, tho. There was no way to Google people to find their lastest addresses and phone numbers. Everything was hard copy phone directories. I could call MY Mom and ask her to call HIS Mom at the number she was listed at in the phone directory.
How did I have a high school boyfriend and never know his phone number, never mind not remember it 3 years later?
No wonder my love life was so fucked up.
Back to basics, Lisa. Back to basics.
I wanted to call my Mom. But I didn't want Lorraine to answer the phone. She and I must not be on speaking terms, seeing as it's been 8 weeks since she and I bickered and not talked since.
If Lorraine is still waitessing, she must work evenings.
Thursday's are busy at restaurants. I'll call her then. Around 9pm. (Long distance tolls are lower then, too. It's fucking 1988--the goddamned Stone Age of technology.)
> Hello? [phew. it's Mom]
> Hey, Mom. Lorraine's not around, right?
> Ummm, no. [Why did she hesitate? Are the two of them fooling around sexually?]
> Can you do me a favor? Can you look up in the phone book Mrs H****n's phone number? If they still live in Cumberland?
> Oh? Let me get up and check. [Mom at least has a chordless phone. Maybe it's the Bronze Age of technology.]
> Ok, good.
> Why do you want to talk to her? If you don't mind me asking.
> Oh .... I don't know .... wanted to check in on how college is going for Tennis Tommy.
> Tennis Tommy?? You want to talk to Tennis Tommy? [In the background: 'Lisa wants to talk to Tennis Tommy?
']
> MOM?
WAS THAT FUCKING LORRAINE?
> ['Don't give her the number.']
> Mom??? What's happening??? Why is Lorraine bossing you in your own house???
> [Shuffling on the phone. Lorraine's voice is talking to me now.] It's not HER house, anymore. It's OURS, bitch. We're both on the lease.
> Lorraine!!!! Put my Mom back on the fucking phone!!!!
> Ha! [Click!]
Oh my God, oh my God. Has Lorraine, like, taken over my Mom's life.
Is my Mom ok?
Why did I go 8 weeks without calling?
Did my Mom think I had ditched her?
Does Lorraine think I'm going to sit back and take this?
To be continued.....