It’s been two weeks since my son was born and life is slowly starting to fall into rhythm. The newness is starting to wear off and now I’m just tired. Sleepless nights and his unending need for attention are starting to wear me down. Joe has been awesome, and so has his daughter from a previous marriage, but little Humperdinck just needs more and more of his mommy’s attention. Not that I’m really complaining. I knew what I was getting into, but I’m just tired. I love my baby with all my existence, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m just ready for a little break.
One day I got a chance for that break. My mother called and offered to watch little Hump for the day so I could get out and recharge my batteries. The first two weeks, I have been reluctant to release my child to others just to hold; now I’m being asked to give him up for an entire day. But I am incredibly tired and I need to get away. Maybe when I get things together, I can break this little slump. I reluctantly agree to my mother’s request.
My plan is to drop off Humperdinck at mom’s house, go shopping for a little while, get started back at the gym, then go home and sleep like the dead for a few hours. The first two parts of my plan go off without a hitch. But I wear myself down even more walking the mall and working out for the first time in three quarters of a year. I drive home almost completely exhausted.
The only things I can think of as I pull into the driveway and wait for the garage door to open are how badly I miss my child and how much I would really like to lie down for a little while. I think to myself that a nap would probably be the best thing for me…and my relationship with those around me…right now. I pull into the garage and park. As I get out of the car, I hit the button to close the garage. I hear the steady hum of the door as it closes as I get the bag of items I bought off the backseat. Suddenly I hear the door change directions and start opening again. This usually isn’t a big deal…the neighbor’s dog will sometimes run over to greet us when we come home. Maybe he crossed the security beam and caused the door to reopen.
I rise up from the back seat and turn to look for the dog. I gasp in shock when I see why the door reopened. There’s no dog in the garage, but there certainly is a bitch with me! It looks like my little Canadian stalker,
Marie B, has followed me home! “Hello, cxnt! I’ve been waiting for this moment since you left the hospital. This is perfect.”
My initial shock is quickly replaced with anger! How dare this bitch invade the sanctity of my home! But I shouldn’t be surprised….she did attack me in the hospital a just a few short hours after I gave birth. This really shouldn’t be a surprise. “You…you have been following me?!!!”
Of course I’ve been following you. I owe you a beating for cheating to beat me at the hospital!”
“How did I cheat? You attacked me!”
“Minor formality. You won, therefore you had to cheat.”
“Get out of my house, you psycho!!!”
“Technically, I’m in your garage, not in your house.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I rub my eyes and pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. But Marie is still standing there in a pair of pink running shorts, tennis shoes and white tank top….all 59 inches and 100 lbs (she looks like she’s been eating a little too much fast food during her stakeouts) of her.
“Get out of here before I call the cops, you crazy bitch!”
“You should probably call an ambulance for yourself, first.”
“God….GET OUT OF HERE! I don’t have time for this! I need some sleep, Marie….”
“You’ll get plenty of sleep after I knock you out.”
“Joe will be home soon. You should be gone before he gets here.”
“No he won’t. He’s working a murder in the Ninth Ward.”
How does she know that? Joe hasn’t called and said he was going to be late. Maybe she’s bluffing. But she looks series. I bet she’d be a great poker player. Then a sickening feeling slowly creeps into my stomach…..”Marie…..please tell me you didn’t kill someone just to….”
“God, no I didn’t kill anyone. Damn, you are dumb! I have a police scanner. Like I said, this may be the best chance I have to get you alone, you fucking punk.”
I AM SO TIRED. My God, she isn’t going to go away without a fight. But what am I worried about? I’ve kicked her ass before. Heck, I even beat her up a few hours after giving birth. But in all honesty, I was scared they were going to bring my child in while she was there. But now we’re all alone…apparently. She does like to travel with that hot Kayla woman. I look outside and see no one.
“There’s no one to help you this time. We are all alone.”
“I’m not looking for help. I’m making sure you didn’t bring that South African Amazon with you.”
“The Amazon isn’t in South Africa, it’s on South America, you moron.”
I look at her for a second, still not quite believing this surreal moment. “I know where the Amazon is, bitch. I don’t need a geography lecture from you. But you need to study your Greek Mythology a little closer.”
“Why? I’m Canadian, not Greek.”
“Oh God! Just shut up and let’s get this over with.”
Marie smiles from ear to ear…damn, she is a hot little cxnt! “Alrighty whore, let’s do it.” She pushes the button to close the garage door and I can’t help but feel like a trapped rat as the door slowly descends.
Once the door reaches the floor, I survey our fighting space. We have half a garage. The only thing in our way is my VW Beetle. I hope I don’t have to smash her face into it. I love my little convertible. I’m wearing a green Polo shirt and khaki pants. I kick off my sandals and face her. I’m tired as heck, but I’m incredibly pissed at her. How dare this bitch! I lunge at her and she kicks me as hard as she can in my out of shape belly.
I double up and collapse to one side as the little gymnast rushes me. She is an incredibly fast whirlwind of action as she slaps, punches, bites, tears, claws, kicks and rips at my body. I try to fight back but her onslaught is simply overwhelming. Coupled with my exhaustion, I know I must do something quick or she is going to simply destroy me in my own garage.
I fight my way through the barrage, and I can taste a little blood on my lip. My eyes are also watering from a blow to the nose, but I still feel I’m in pretty good shape. I sit up through the rain of blows and grab the smaller girl around the waist and wrestle her off balance. She quits punching and slapping and now tries to focus on keeping her balance, but so far I’m winning that battle. I wrestle her onto her side and try to straddle her. I’m also very pissed, so I start throwing a few punches of my own. A few land, but I’m pretty sure that we are too close together to do any real damage. But I’m so tired that I have to keep her distracted with punches.
But she is not to de denied. Her hatred for me is palpable. What should I expect? She attacked me in my hospital room and has stalked me for two weeks looking for her chance. I’m not at all surprised when she buries her face in my left boob and sinks her teeth into the side of it.
I howl in shocked pain and shove her away, but she is locked on…like an angry Chihuahua! I grab her head and try to push her away, but she just clamps down tighter. Suddenly she releases her clamps and recoils in horror…spitting and gagging the whole time! “You didn’t tell me you were lactating you gross fucking bitch!” She exclaims in anger.
“You didn’t ask. What the fuck do you expect? I just gave birth, you stupid cxnt!”
“I’m gonna fucking destroy you and milk you like a fucking cow you are!
She launches an attack at my aching breasts and I punch her in the face before she reaches me. We face each other on our knees and start trading punches and slaps. We grab each other fall to the floor. We roll around on the dirty garage floor until Marie suddenly straddles me. Now I’m in serious trouble. If I can’t get out from under her quickly, this fight is over. I struggle, writhe and flail. But I’m now completely exhausted. She quickly manages to overpower me and I’m soon completely at her mercy.
Marie feels my body go limp and the realization she is winning floods her face. But it’s apparent she isn’t done. She wraps her fists deep into my blonde hair and slams it against the concrete floor until I fall into unconsciousness. The last thing I see before blacking out is an evil, satisfied grin on her face.
The world goes black and I fall into such a deep sleep that I dream of unicorns, castles, knights, wizards, witches and gargoyles. I feel as if I’m floating above the ground as I hover over a fiery pit filled with hot lava and fire-breathing dragons. I open my eyes and scream when I realize one of the dragons is coming toward me with glowing eyes! I yank and fight with my bonds as I struggle to escape, but now I fear I may fall into the fire-filled pit.
The dragon moves closer then the garage light comes on. The garage? Why is there a dragon in my garage? Why is Joe getting out of the dragon’s belly? Then it hits me….the dragon is a pickup truck.
“Uh…Joni?”
“Yes, luv?”
“Why are you naked and handcuffed to a bike hook in the garage? What happened to your eye?”
“Joe? Do you really need to know?”
“Well……yeah. I’d like to.”
“Joe? Just shut the fuck up and get me down.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m hurting.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“No.”
“Okay.”
Joe closes the garage door, goes into the house and leaves me hanging naked in the garage to a bike hook. I sigh and think to myself that this about par for the course.
“Joe?……………Honey?……………..Sweetie?………..Will you please let me down?”
His answer comes but I have to strain to hear it…….
“Bzzzp!”
