(
The following story must be read with a Brooklyn accent)
So, me and my boyfriend Vinnie are sittin’ at the edge of the river bank, y’know? We’re watchin’ the traffic as it goes by on the Verrazano Bridge and I got my feets dipped in the water, y’know what I’m sayin’? They call this particular body of water the Lower New York Bay…..but that don’t fool me none. I know it’s actually the Atlantic fuckin’ Ocean.
Like, me and Vinnie have been girlfriend and boyfriend since, like, forever, y‘know? It’s a romance that can happen only in fuckin’ Brooklyn. I’m his chick and he’s my man. I gotta admit I’m one hot Mama, you know what I mean?
And Vinnie? Oh shit, man, he’s one fantastic lookin’ dude with his slicked back hair, his pegged jeans, and his undershirt with a pack of cigarettes rolled into one sleeve. Oh, man! And Vinnie is well known for being one of the smartest dudes in the neighborhood, y’know? He’s known far and wide for his intellect and brains.
“Yo, Connie.” Vinnie says. “You got more class than all the animals in the zoo put together, you dig?”
And when I hears this, I break out in the shines, you know? Like, I just smile and smile because this motherfucker is the sweetest talker I ever heard in my life, y’know? I just fuckin’ melt when Vinnie sweet-talks me like this.
And does he treat me good? Fuckin’ ay he does! I mean, when he buys me soda, it’s always
bottles of Dr. Pepper…..never cans.
“None of dat aluminum shit for my baby! It’s bottles or nuthin’.” Vinnie yells.
I mean, come on people, this guy’s got class comin’ out of his ass!
I wear my skirts real short, dig? A lot of people think that’s because I got a fuckin’ bodacious figure, which is true. But the biggest reason I wear ‘em short is so Vinnie don’t have to work too hard to get his hand under the hem of my skirt, you know what I’m sayin’? This way, he can grab my snatch on a second’s notice…..and he likes that it’s so convenient, y’know? There’s no time to lose, when you go for the cooz.
Of course, there’s another chick in the neighborhood who wears her skirts as short as me. Her name’s Gina Scozzafavva, and she’s the biggest fuckin’ slut in this area…..shit, maybe in the whole fuckin’ world! Yeah, I think that’s possible she might be that. What a fuckin’ pig! What a skank whore! She ain’t classy like me……. no way, no how.
Like, Gina and me had this big rivalry thing going in the high school I almost graduated from a couple of years ago, y’know? I mean, we fought over everything but there was a special talent I had that made me the envy of all the other girls in school……. I could open a guy’s pants zipper with my toes.
That’s right; with my toes. I mean, all the other girls could open guy’s zippers with their teeth, right? Shit, that don’t take hardly no talent at all, and I got to admit that Gina Scozzafavva was a fuckin’ master at doin’ that. She did more guys’ zippers than Levi-Strauss, you know what I’m sayin’?
Girls in this neighborhood know how to open zippers by a lot of other methods, too; I mean, it’s a requirement, right? You can’t get at a guy’s dick without unzipping his zipper, right? But only I could do it with my feet and it made me stick out from all the other broads in school, you know what I’m sayin’? It was, like, a special gift from God that gave me a kind of status that I enjoyed havin’.
Now Gina, she tried it one day. We’re all at a neighborhood dance, all the girls in short dresses ‘cause that’s what classy babes like us wear. There’s a bunch of guys and gals standin’ around watching as she takes off that slutty high heel she wears and stretches out that ugly leg of hers, reaching for Vinnie’s fly. I sure as shit didn’t like that she’s tryin’ it with my man, but with everybody around watchin’, I couldn’t say nothin’, y’know? Like, it wouldn’t be cool…….and being cool is more important than breathing to the studs and dolls in Brooklyn.
So, me and everybody else are watchin’ as that slut Gina does her level best to open Vinnie’s zipper with her skanky toes. I hate to admit it, but Vinnie’s enjoyin’ the attention his fuckin’ prick is receivin’, you know what I’m sayin’? He’s loving the up and down sensation on his wing-wang and I’m hatin’ the whole fuckin’ thing. I mean, I know that Gina Scozzafavva would love to take my Vinnie away from me.
Shit,
every girl in the neighborhood wants to have my man; I know that. But I’m the one who’s got him, largely because of the stuff I can do with my feet. Believe me, opening Vinnie’s zipper isn’t the only thing I do to him with my talented toes. There’s tons of other shit I do, too, and the motherfucker just can’t get enough of it. I got legs that just don’t quit…..it’s part of the reason I wear short skirts all the time, like I said.
What kinds of other things, you’re askin’? Well, there’s the thing where I got Vinnie’s pants off and he presses his thighs together and holds my feet between ‘em. For whatever reason, it drives Vinnie batshit, y’know? I like it too, because it really keeps my feet warm on cold days, you know what I’m sayin’? So, as you see, there’s practical reasons for it, too……and youse can see that I’m a practical girl!
I got another thing where I spread my legs so far apart, they’re almost in different time zones, y’know? Then, I snap them together and trap Vinnie’s pecker between my feet. He goes fuckin’ apeshit when I do that one.
Anyways, everybody’s watchin’ as Gina tries and tries to get Vinnie’s zipper undone…..
and she can’t fuckin’ do it! Haw! Haw! Haw! She’s gruntin’ and groanin’ with effort, and Vinnie’s gruntin’ and groanin’ in response to her effort……and nothing’s fuckin happenin’. The bitch can’t get a grip on the zip.
So, Gina backs off, a look of disappointment on her slutty face. I step forward, getting’ ready to do what I do best and to show everybody I’m better than fuckin’ Gina. I slip off my shoes and sit where Gina was sittin’ a minute before; right in front of my boyfriend.
It’s easy as fuckin’ pie! I wiggle my sexy toes in such a way that everybody is lookin’ at them…..like, hypnotized, y'know? From there, I’m massaging Vinnie’s dick until he’s fuckin’ cross-eyed, sittin’ there with his one-eyed monster growing and expanding like the Incredible fuckin’ Hulk! He looks like he might be a little embarrassed to have this happenin’ in front of a group of people, but I know the fucker is helpless at my feet, not able to go nowhere or do nothin’ about it. I’m in charge now. To tell the truth, I’m getting’ kind of hot from all this, too, but it don’t stop me from doin’ what I do best.
“Oh, Connie!” he moans, helpless-like. “Fuck me raw!”
Yeah, well, that’ll come later on, y’know? For now, I get the zipper between two of my toes and pull the fuckin’ thing down, neat as can be. When it opens, his wing-wang pops out like a Jack-in-the-Box, and everybody laughs.
I know they’re laughing in admiration of me, but there’s one person there who doesn’t like it. It’s that fuckin’ failure, Gina Scozzafavva, and before I can even get my shoes back on, she lets me have it with a punch to my face.
WHAMM-O!In the vulnerable position I was in, I fall on my ass. The bitch jumps on top of me, whaling away with her slutty fists. She’s like, straddling me with a leg on each side of my body, punching down at my face. I’m in real trouble because the bitch started this before I was ready.
I mean, shit, I didn’t even know we were gonna be fighting, y’know? But nobody was gonna help me…..and I understood that. It’s the code of Brooklyn, y’know? People gotta fight their own battles and I didn’t expect nobody to help me with mine.
Normally, I could handle Gina Scozzafavva, you know what I’m sayin’? We’ve fought lotsa times before and I usually wind up cold-cocking the slutty bitch. But this time, she took unfair advantage and I’m losin’. I’m fightin’ back the best I can, but she’s really fucking me up. Her fat ass is holding me down and I can’t do nothin’ about it.
After all, I embarrassed her by doing something she couldn’t do. Actually, she embarrassed herself, but she ain’t gonna blame nobody but me, right?
Anyways, she’s in command now. I’m tryin’ to punch back as best I can, but it’s hard to punch when you’re on your back with some slut sittin’ on your fuckin’ chest, am I right?
Meantime, she’s nailing me with everything she’s got and I’m feelin’ lumps raise on my pretty face, y’know? The light in the room seems to be gettin’ dim and I realize she’s driving me unconscious. What can I do?
But, wait! Even as I’m conking out, the answer comes to me. What have I been talkin’ about all along? What’s my best feature, huh?
That’s right……my fuckin’ legs! My powerful, beautiful, talented legs!
I’m lying on my back, stretched out and Gina’s sittin’ on top of me, right? So, I raise my legs from behind. Gina don’t even see this because she’s facing the other way. I hook my legs under her arms and criss-cross my feet across her chest…..and PUSH!
Gina is caught completely by surprise and goes tumbling backward…..she’s off me now! We both get to our feet and I figure I’ll continue with what works best for me. My legs!
As you can probably imagine, I can kick like a fuckin’ mule when I need to. Gina Scozzafavva is standin’ right in front of me with her fists raised and ready…… and I start kickin’. I kick her in the shin, in the stomach, in the crotch. She’s tryin’ to punch it out with me but I’m havin’ too much success……and too much fun…… doin’ her in with my legs. I step to the side and ram home a hard kick to her kidney, then I run behind her and launch a kick to the back of her neck, then I run back in front of her again and smack a roundhouse kick to her face. I’m runnin’ fuckin’ circles around Gina!
The poor bitch is standin’ there but she don’t know what to do. She can’t handle all my movin’ around. Her skanky face is frantic with worry and she keeps taking her eyes off me to look at all the people standin’ around us. They’re doin’ a lot of laughin’ at her….and it’s making Gina crazy. She makes the fatal mistake of rushing directly at me…..and I send my heel screaming at her face. The shot catches her between the eyes and sends her rocketing down to the hard floor. The back of her head whams against the linoleum…..and she’s out like a fuckin’ light.
The people gather around me, makin’ these sounds of joy and congratulations, y’know? I’m just smilin’ and smilin’; enjoying the attention. Some of the girls ask if I can teach them the trick of opening a guy’s zipper with their toes. I tell them we can try it, but it takes a special talent that only I got.
Then, I see Vinnie. He looks happy for me, but a little shame-faced. I take him to the side and tell him I know why he’s lookin’ shy.
“It’s because I saw you enjoyin’ what Gina was doin’ to you with her foot on your fuckin’ prick, right?”
“Well, yeah Connie.” said Vinnie, lookin’ tense and unsure of himself. “But you ain't mad, are ya?”
“No, I ain’t mad, Vinnie.” I said. “I don’t get mad…..I get
even, you motherfucker!”
With that, I launched the best kick I ever threw, smashing Vinnie behind the ear and sendin’ him crashing to the floor. He lay there, unconscious.
The crowd of people stared at me with admiration…..and a little fear.
Smiling, I said: “Any of you girls wanna learn how to use their legs the way I do……for zippers or for anything else…… see me later. Class is in session!”
The girls smiled at me and I smiled back at them.
The guys? They looked at the unconscious Vinnie…..then at their dates…….then at me. You can only imagine what the stud-muffin fuckers were thinkin’.
.
