I always thought the Lois-fight-Lana-for-Clark storyline was well a bit, obvious.So I tried to come up with other reasons they might hate each other. The Smallville Barbeque Brawl
“I see he didn’t trade up, then”.
Was Lana Lang’s first thought when she met Lois Lane for the first time.
“Smallville Hick”, thought Lois.
Clark wasn’t the problem. No siree Bob, not at all. Lana could have kept him. She could have gone with him to Metropolis, but she chose not to. The fact that she was still single was her own choice, and she didn’t regret it, she never regretted it. If she wanted it she would have put a ring on it, wouldn’t she?
Lois just thought Clark had made a lucky escape from the Okie from Muskogee. Clark now loved her, she wasn't bothered about some old flame he grew out of. No siree Bob, not at all.
They didn’t hate each other, oh no. They tolerated each other from a distance, Lana in Smallville, Lois in Metropolis.
And so, they thought it would remain.
Until Jonathan Kent passed away, Clark moved back with Lois to help Martha settle things up for a couple of weeks.
Lana had always prided herself on being the Queen of Smallville. She organised all the events, the cookouts and the Christmas lights and summer fairs, all that stuff. And she was incredibly hot, so the Dads liked her. The young girls all looked up to her and asked her for advice. The older wives, she helped with their weight loss and training. She was basically Superwoman without the big red ‘S’ wasn’t she?
Until Lois showed up.
Lana started to notice that the phrase ‘Well in Metropolis Lois said they…’ started creeping into conversations. Was she bothered by this? No siree Bob, not at all. Those big city ways may work in Metropolis, but this is Smallville. If they wanted to take advice from someone who didn't know shit from apple butter, that’s their lookout.
When Lois said she wanted to enter the chilli competition for the state fair. She didn’t laugh. She always won the chilli contest. But Townie could feel free to try.
The competition was being as part of the annual Smallville County fair, held in a large tent. There were rows of tables, loaded down with food and cooking implements, even a Pinata. Everybody was standing in the rows between the tables, just talking. When Lois and Clark walked into the chilli competition, Lana said a cheery 'Hello' to Clark and 'Hello' to Lois. Lois and Lana looked each other down.
Lana wasn't impressed. Lois wore a fucking suit! Hey, townie could you look any more like a fucking townie? Why not wear a shirt saying “I am a Townie. I will not attempt to fit in and will always look down on you people”? What does a downhome person like Clark see in you? Lana thought.
Lois wasn't impressed. Lana was wearing a check shirt, unbuttoned to show a lot of cleavage, tied at the midriff and a pair of denim shorts. Why not just wear a shirt pointing at your tits saying, “Please Fuck Me, I'm a slutty yokel”, What DID an intelligent person like Clark ever see in her? Lois thought.
Cooly, they turned away from each other and looked to the announcer who was just about to give the results.
Lana was sure she would win the Smallville barbeque chilli challenge; she always did.
The announcer got up on a platform and opened the envelope.
"And the winner of the Smallville Barbeque Chilli Cook-Off is..."
Lana moved forward to accept her reward.
"Lois Lane!"
What the actual fuck!!
Lana couldn’t believe it. That fucking Townie had won! When no one was looking, just out of curiosity she tried this super-duper-chilli, and it was her recipe, she was sure. That was fucking it.
She stormed over to where Lois was talking to Clark, barging between them. She glared accusingly at Lois.
“That’s my Recipe! You stole it from me”.
“No, I didn't, it’s mine”. Lois testily replied.
“I want my recipe back, you stole it!"
"You can't have it!"
"I want it".
“Do you want my recipe? Do you see anybody out there ice skating?”, Lois pointed out of the tent. “'Cos hell will freeze over before I'll do that”. Lois moved towards Lana; they were staring each other in the face, eye to eye. They were about the same height, their generous breasts challenging each other.
"You threatening me tenderfoot?" Lana asked, not backing down.
"Oh, hayseed, it's not a threat it's a promise".
“You think you're tough? You couldn't tear up my baby picture”.
“Girls don’t fight!”. Clark moved in to split them up.
“Your protector is here”. Lana sneered as she stormed off.
“I don’t need anyone to protect me from a hayseed like you” Lois called out after her.
Lois turned to Clark, furious.
“Why did you break us up? I was gonna fix her!”.
“Lois think of where you are, this is the Smallville County Fair. Y’know we talked about moving back here permanently”.
"I don't care!"
Lois then started describing what she would do to Lana in great detail.
While Lois was in the middle of her tirade, Lana returned, holding a bowl of Lois's chilli. Lana listened to the little townie's rant, sneering. Then when she’d heard enough, she interrupted.
“You love your chilli so much, have it”.
Lana said as she poured the contents of the chilli bowl all over Lois’s head. When the bowl was empty, she shook it just to make sure she got the last drops.
Furious, Lois spun around slapping Lana’s face hard. The slap sounded like a gunshot. Everybody in the tent turned to look.
The announcer called out.
"Everybody give these girls space to settle their differences".
The crowd obediently moved out from between the two tables the girls were standing in. Everybody was looking forward to this. The men were excited at the prospect of a great scrap. The women imagined themselves throwing down with a rival.
“Oh, this is so on bitch! I'll snatch you bald” Lana declared as she removed her jewellery.
Lois turned to Clark, her eyes burning with fury. Furiously she removed her shoes and jewellery stuffing them into Clark’s hands.
“Don’t you dare do anything! I know you can, but don't! This is between me and the hayseed!”
Lois did not say this angrily, she said it calmly and deliberately, but Clark felt fear. Sure, he was the most powerful being on earth, he had flown into the heart of the sun and had faced unimaginable dangers but the tone of her voice and the look on Lois’s face froze his blood in a way that made Darkseid look like a Teddy bear. He would stay out of it.
Lois turned back to face her foe. Her eyes burned with fury. As they started circling, she started threatening.
“You can’t have him…”
“… the recipe…”
"…Fucking okie, I'll beat you back to the stone age where you belong!".
"I'll smack the smugness off your townie face!". Lana cried out as she swung her haymaker. Lois ducked. Then standing up, she fired a jab into Lana's face, her nose started trickling and Lois smiled.
Lana wiped the blood from her nose and raised her fists.
As Lois came in to attack, Lana grabbed her by the hair, pulling her face into a knee. Lois blindly swung a punch into the side of Lana's face. Lana kicked out, sending Lois staggering back. Lois felt something hit the back of her head. She looked up. It was an Orange and Yellow Pinata donkey. She smiled, grabbing the Pinata with both hands and bringing it down on Lana’s head as she rushed forward to attack her. Lana cried out, blinded, her hands flailing out wildly as the candies from the Pinata fell to the floor around her.
Snarling with satisfaction, Lois swung the nearby Pinata stick with both hands walloping Lana in the head. The pinata on her head cushioned the blow, but still, she fell back, spinning wildly, hitting a table, emitting muffled cries.
Lois swung again. Lana spun down the table again. But this time she kept spinning until she reached the end of the table. She was moving out of Lois's reach. Lois followed her. Lana finally removed the Pinata from her head.
With a yell, Lana threw the Pinata at Lois. Her charge was not far behind it.
She grabbed Lois around the waist, driving her to a neighbouring table.
When Lois's back hit the table, Lana pulled her jacket down around her shoulders, and then she threw her onto the table, sending the food crashing to the floor. While Lois was trapped in her straitjacket, Lana jumped on top of Lois, straddling her body with her thighs as she launched forehand and backhand, unleashing a blizzard of blows at her furiously struggling captive. Grabbing a bowl of coleslaw, she threw it over Lois, then continued her pounding.
Half the crowd cheered for Lana to continue the pounding, others called for Lois to escape. The crowd was split, some wanted the townie to be sent packing, some wanted them to see the current Queen of Smallville dethroned, and the rest just wanted to see a good scrap and maybe some flesh.
Lois heard the suit material rip as she managed to free an arm. Fuck she liked that jacket. Her free hand feverishly fumbled and found a salad bowl. Swinging, it hit Lana's head, she groaned as Lois bucked, throwing Lana off her and the table.
Leaving the table, Lois angrily threw off her torn jacket. She raised her fists as she stormed towards Lana. The fist sailed harmlessly over Lana's head as she ducked, this wasn't her first fight. She'd had her share of scraps behind the old barn.
Lana's fist impaled Lois's belly, her mouth spewed spittle.
"Fuck you, townie!". She crowed.
Lois's leg shot out straight into Lana's belly. Lana gagged. Lois had grown up an army brat. She had been taught to look after herself. She had fucked up her share of bitches in the deserted storeroom of the Daily Planet.
"No, Fuck you, Hayseed!"
They stood next to two opposing tables, one hand on the table, the other trying to take the pain from their aching stomachs. They stared at each other. Their eyes burned with anger.
"Okie"
"Tenderfoot"
Lana searched the table for a weapon. She saw it. The punch bowl. She swept up the bowl and threw it at Lois. The bowl hit her chest, the sticky liquid splashed all over her body. She howled. Her shirt stuck to her like a second skin. Showing for all to see that she wasn't wearing a bra, she didn’t need to. Her angry nipples poked out like thumbs.
Some of the single men in the audience cheered.
Lana grabbed Lois by the shirt lapels, she swung Lois by the flapping shirt into a large table. Lois gasped, holding herself up by the arms as Lana crashed into her back, grabbing the back of Lois's head she slammed it into the table. Lois moaned as her head bounced into a plate of barbeque sauce it covered her head making the injury many times worse.
Still holding the back of Lois's head, she stood on one foot her knee stabbing into Lois's back, bending it. Trying for another slam. Lois resisted, bracing her neck, and pushing back with her arms. They stood frozen in their struggle, gasping and grunting.
Lois relaxed her push, and Lana moved forward, relaxing the pressure. Lois pushed back with all her might. Taking Lana by surprise and propelling her backwards. Lana moaned as her back crashed into the table behind her.
Spinning round, Lois grabbed Lana by the shirt throwing Lana into a tent pole. Turning again, Lois swung her into a table. Unable to take the stresses inflicted on them Lana's buttons started popping. As Lois swung her for the third time all the buttons popped, and Lana slipped out of the shirt leaving Lois holding it, as Lana was catapulted onto the table.
Again, the single men in the crowd cheered. The married men shifted uncomfortably, desperately trying to find something to cover what was happening in their crotches.
Lana rolled on the table on top of all the food. She was only in her shorts now. Lois threw the shirt away and jumped on the table ready to attack, her body covered in sweat she lurched towards her enemy. Straight into a kick from Lana. Lois spun around landing on her knees.
Lana moved in, but bracing herself Lois on her hands and knee, she launched a kick to Lana's belly. Lana staggered back, she slipped on the food, landing on her arse with a thump.
Still on her knees, Lois fell on top of Lana going for hair. Lana responded in kind, and they rolled, the crowd cheering them on. Lana ripped open Lois's shirt, determined to get her nude. Lois picked up a tortilla lying on the table and threw it into Lana's face following it with a punch to the mouth.
Removing the tortilla, Lana blocked the next punch, sending a jab to Lois's face, and her lips started bleeding.
"Slut!"
Lois's right hook smashed into Lana's face, her mouth spewing spittle.
"Whore!"
Lana's punch sank into Lois's stomach.
"Go back to Metropolis, tramp!"
Lois's uppercut snapped Lana's head back.
"Skank!"
Lana's left hook twisted Lois's body, and her eyes briefly glazed over. They were both swaying on their knees now, glassy-eyed. Suddenly, Lana pushed with both hands, and Lois fell back on the table, banging her head. She blindly kicked out, her legs windmilling but Lana dodged them. Clambering to her feet, she started hauling Lois along the table by the hair, while kicking her in the back. Lois struggled wildly. She kicked up, thanking the gymnastics she did in high school, her foot hit Lana on the nose. Lana screamed as her nose splashed blood. She released her grip on Lois’s hair and Lois crawled away on all fours.
“Come back here, slimy slicker” Lana hissed as she reached for Lois’s trousers to pull her back. The trousers slipped down, revealing Lois’s lack of underwear and a neat landing strip. Typical townie twat.
Lana slapped hard on Lois’s buttocks. The smack reverberated around the tent. Howling, Lois fell to the table. Quick to take advantage, Lana jumped on top of Lois, straddling her back and pulling her head back by the hair.
With her other hand, Lana reached for a bowl of chillies, rubbing them into Lois's face. She screamed as the chillies burned her eyes, and then Lana started stuffing the chillies into Lois's mouth. Lois was trying to say something, but she couldn’t say much with her mouth full of burning chillies.
Lois's expression turned from pain to anger as her teeth crunched down on Lana's fingers. Lana screamed. Lois bucked. Lana fell off her, receiving a two-footed kick to the head.
Lana lay on the table, holding her head. Lois on her back, rubbing her eyes.
Slowly they both rose. Lois threw off the trousers around her legs as a dangerous encumbrance, and picked up a swig of water, spitting it out in Lana's direction. They rose to their knees glaring at each other with murderous intent.
Suddenly Lois reached down and grabbed a tong, brandishing it at Lana menacingly. Panicking, Lana reached for...a spatula. They both wielded their weapons. Feinting and moving back, like two duellists. Lana slapped Lois hard with her spatula, making a loud smacking sound on Lois’s shoulder. She fired again, Lois grabbed her wrist slamming her hand to the table and rapping her knuckles. The spatula tumbled to the floor as Lana cried out in pain. Grinning Lois released Lana’s hand and swung a punch with her free hand. Lana fell back on the table. Lois quickly clambered on top of her opponent, keeping a tight grip on those tongs.
She leered down at Lana. With her left hand, she moved the shirt out of the way, displaying her pert breasts. Then with malice, she plunged the tong down onto Lana’s left nipple and squeezed with all her might. Lana screamed an unholy scream of agony, her feet banging on the table as Lois started twisting the tongs. Horribly deforming the breast.
Pulling Lana closer by the tongs, Lois lashed out with a slap.
"You bitch!" Lana sobbed.
"I may not be able to tear up your baby photo, but I can sure as shit tear up your tits! " hissed Lois as she twisted the tongs harder.
Screaming out in desperation, Lana's hands shot out for Lois's eyes. Dropping the tongs, Lois threw her off the table before the fingers could do any damage. Anxious to get back at the bitch, she jumped off the table, ready to stomp the bitch. Only to find Lana already standing, they faced each other in angry silence.
Staggering together, they threw their arms around each other and squeezed. The time for clever moves was gone. Now it was just brute force. They both felt the electric surge as their heaving breasts collided, and their hard nipples touched.
“Saggy Tits!” Lois wheezed, revolted by the feelings. She pressed her breasts in, trying to crush her rival.
“I’ll flatten those sad sacks”. Lana grunted back as she pushed her breasts in. Pressing against each other. Their chins rested on each other's shoulders.
Each trying to exert their dominance. Lois pulsed her hold, mashing her breasts into Lana’s which held firm. Lana pushed back, pressing in with all her might. Two pairs of breasts mushroomed out under the intense pressure they were both under.
Lana started swinging her tits. The tent was filled with the wet smacking sound as Lana's breasts slapped into Lois's. But Lois's breasts would not give way. Lois started swinging her breasts up into Lana's tender undersides. Her nipples scrapped the tender flesh.
All that could be heard was grunts as a breast swung to demolish its opponent, and gasps as the blow was received. The crowd held its breath uncertain as to what would happen next.
Lois swung with everything she had, smashing into Lana’s injured left breast with the full force of her firm breasts. Lana cried out in pain. Following through, Lois yanked hard on Lana’s hair, forcing her back towards a food table. Bending Lana’s body back. Her left hand scrunched up Lana’s mangled breast. Her right hand launched a steady stream of forehand and backhand blows as he bounced on Lana’s stomach.
Victory was hers, as she bashed her foe senseless. Her forehand smashed into Lana’s face dribbling blood and saliva on the table. The backhand sent her head violently the other way, more drool. Lois’s arms felt like they were made of lead, but she could see her foe weakening before her eyes.
Her vision was getting blurry, Lana could see the end coming as her hands reached for something, anything. She found…
…a corn cob.
Acting on a frenzied instinct to avoid a certain defeat, Lana shoved the pointed end of the corn cob straight up Lois’s twat. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head; her mouth open in a soundless scream as white-hot agony overloaded her senses. Lana rolled her body, so
Lois was now lying on the table, and Lana was on top. She pressed down with her full body weight on the cob.
“Fucking Submit” Lana hissed.
“Fuck you” Lois moaned.
Lana twisted the cob. The hard kernels ground against the sensitive flesh. Lois moaned out.
"Fffffuuuuuuck...you...whore!”
Lana hammered the cob in deeper with the palm of her hand.
"I said...". Lana demanded.
"Never!". Lois shouted back.
Lana hit the cob again.
"...give...". Lana commanded.
"Nooooo!" Lois screamed.
Lana twisted the cob while pushing it in with her hands, forcing it further up the vulva, she noticed her hand was trembling with the effort. Lois tried to resist, but the pain!
"...fucking up!".
"Aaarrrggghhhh! "
Lois's scream was piteous, all resistance was driven out of her as her hands feverishly slapped the table.
“I quit….I quit”.
Wearily Lana rose, she didn't have the strength to deal a knockout blow. She was only wearing her shorts, her half-naked body, covered in bruises. Her once beautiful hair looked like a sodden mop covered in food. She had two black eyes, a bleeding lip, and a bleeding nose, her face looked like the elephant man's. But still, she had won. Her friends gathered round to congratulate her on her victory. Lana was sure some of these 'friends' had been cheering for Lois. Gingerly she touched her mangled left breast, expecting to see blood. There was none. She breathed a sigh of relief. She had been fucking lucky. It could just as easily be her; tits up, sobbing on the table with a corn cob shoved up her twat. That was one tough townie.
"Hi Clark, I think Lois needs some help. You can bring the recipe around tomorrow".
She smiled as she passed him.
Lois lay on the table, her wet body covered in food, her open shirt showing her once proud breasts which bobbed up and down as she wept uncontrollably. The corn cob wobbled in sympathy to the sobbing, still jammed into her pussy. Clark rushed over to console her on
her loss. He knew he would have to get Zatanna out to fix her, maybe he should get her to drop by Lana while she was at it. They had been talking about maybe moving to Smallville, he didn’t think that would happen now.
The visibility red-faced and sweating announcer stood up and said,
“And the winner of the first Smallville Barbeque Brawl…"
"...Lana Lang!”
Cheers from the audience.
The bit about it being the first was just wishful thinking on the announcer's part. But what the heck you can dream…
