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"Twin Sisters, Rivals"-- My first story!

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Offline Regret22

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"Twin Sisters, Rivals"-- My first story!
« on: February 06, 2011, 11:47:05 PM »
I would like to be a writer sometime in the future. For a long time I resisted the temptation of writing smut, but now realize it is probably as good a way to practice as any other.

If you feel up to it: please critique style, grammar, dialogue, etc. as much as you are able, along with anything else. I would appreciate it immensely.

Enjoy =)
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“You did what?!” Julia spun in horror and faced her mirror image, her doppelganger. Rival pairs of icy blue eyes, framed by eyeliner, locked together for what each felt to be too long.

Angela, growing more confident, replied sardonically: “You heard me, Julia. And all he noticed was that it was more intense than usual.”

Julia felt frozen and unable to act. Time seemed to slow down as she took in the details of the situation. Her twin sister, Angela, stood smirking before her, thick, natural blonde hair slightly disheveled, beginning to curl from some untold source of moisture—someone’s perspiration. She was breathing quickly; the anxiety leading up to her big reveal had caused something of an adrenaline rush.

Angela was wearing Julia’s favorite little black dress. Its thin, soft fabric showed off more than usually allowed of her large breasts and its tightness left few of her curves to the imagination. It ended short in a frilly material, baring her long, sexy legs to admire. Black high heels completed the outfit.

That’s where my dress went, Julia thought, and my heels. Julia had almost panicked when the outfit she had planned on wearing out to dinner with Jeff—her boyfriend of 2 years—had disappeared. Thankfully, Angela had gone out and bought the exact same dress after seeing how nice it looked on Julia—only in white. Julia had hastily borrowed it along with some red heels. She’d also applied some of her sister’s red lipstick, which she now noticed they both were wearing. The dress was even clingier in white than black.

Angela grew uneasy in the silence. She removed a cellphone from her purse and handed it to Julia who, still dumbstruck, accepted it.

She spoke softly, beginning to feel guilty for how she knew her sister must feel. “I called him from your phone and changed dinner to lunch. He didn’t have a clue it was me instead of you.” Julia didn’t react, so Angela continued hastily:  “We had some wine and went back to his place. I offered to carry his phone in my bag; I’ve been the one texting you back all day after I told you you could borrow mine. ”

Angela bristled a bit, realizing she had almost sounded apologetic. She was not going to apologize. Julia was the one who had started this. Julia remained silent, but Angela knew exactly how she felt; an eruption was coming. The sisters still faced each other, near the doorway where Julia had opened excitedly, expecting her date.  Angela had only gotten a few feet into the small apartment they shared near their college before blurting out her deed. She was done keeping secrets, getting what she wanted for only a few brief moments.

“How could you?” Julia moaned. Louder now: “How could you?”

“How could you!?” Angela replied angrily. “He was obviously perfect for either of us when we met him. We never spoke about it because it was obvious we were both into him. I thought either we’d both share him as a friend or we’d wait until he took an interest in one of us specifically.” Angela sounded almost excited to finally vent two years of frustration. “But no. You started hanging out with him when you knew I couldn’t be around, and finally you asked him out! How could you? We’re sisters! You weren’t supposed to be a cxnt like that.”

“You’re the fucking cxnt! You stole my phone and pretended to be me so you could fuck my boyfriend!”

“He could have been my boyfriend if you weren’t such a slut. We talked about your first night together, and it all finally makes sense. You fucked him the first night I wasn’t around. I never thought my own sister would be the skank winning a man from me with sex!”

“How dare you call me a slut after you fuck my boyfriend! We’ve been together for two fucking years. You’ve always been jealous of me—always trying to take what I have. I never realized you were into Jeff.”

“Oh, you fucking liar. You knew exactly what you were doing.”

Unconsciously they’d moved closer together while yelling. In the sudden silence, they became aware of their proximity. Each was aware of the others too-fast breathing. They both smelled faintly of alcohol—Julia had had a few shots in preparation for her now stolen date. Every muscle in their bodies was tensed. Neither knew where this would go.

 For the first few years of adolescence they’d been hated enemies. To add to the burden of being twins, they had the same interests, the same hobbies, and the same taste in boys. The girls were always fiercely competitive and each had openly tried to outdo the other. Their parents, wanting the most for their daughters, fed into this, always encouraging them to out achieve themselves.  This competition ensured that they both had excellent grades, excelled in many sports and clubs—but each was sure the other was the prettier.

 For a while, their hatred rose to a point where they began to fight almost every day when their parents weren’t home. Often without provocation or reason, the pair of pretty blondes would launch themselves at each other, pulling hair, biting, kicking--- but careful to avoid visible damage their parents would notice. Neither could ever win decisively. With a way to get their aggression out of their system, they’d soon become best friends as they were in childhood. That road had led them to being roommates at the same college, partying together, and having the same group of friends.

The last time they had dared to fight was a high school graduation party. They’d both been quite drunk, and without realizing it began competing for the affection of the same boy. After both tried to kiss him on the cheek at the same moment, they locked themselves in a tiny bathroom to settle their differences.

Not wanting anyone to hear, they quietly unleashed more abuse on each other than they ever had. Blue eyes locked together until they’d needed to moan or wince. They shoved their hands up and down each other’s skimpy dresses and pinched and pulled wherever seemed to cause the most damage. It had begun as a whispered argument, but they could barely hear each other over the party. A little shoving had quickly been too loud, and so they attacked each other silently.

Soon, they were digging nails into each other’s firm asses while unconsciously grinding their pelvises together. Their last few shots of alcohol caught up to them while in that bathroom. Each blamed their arousal on the boy in question. They ripped at each other’s sensitive breasts until their identical nipples hardened, until they were panting with desire. In unison they’d reached several fingers into foreign moistness. Their mouths crashed together hungrily and their tongues battled viciously. They were perfectly symmetrical, right hands exploring each other, mouths connected, left hand grasping thigh close. When they finally came together, it was harder than either ever had.

After several minutes of cleaning themselves up, they left the bathroom and without a word both decided not to pursue the boy in question. They’d never spoken to each other about that night. Neither was sure they remembered it accurately. Maybe it had just been a normal fight. They were very drunk after all. But they had not laid a hand on each other since.

Julia and Angela both envisioned that fight as they stood near the doorway, in the living room of the apartment they shared, each blue gaze defiant. They were women now, juniors in college.  Julia perspired even though the room had been cool moments ago. Their senses seemed heightened as their bodies prepared for conflict. They were conscious of each other’s perfume, the lipstick they already shared. Each noticed the ridiculousness of the fact that they were wearing each other’s clothing—that even the man who knew Julia best could not tell the difference between them based on more than their clothes. 

It would be worse if he’d slept with a girl other than Angela, Julia shocked herself by thinking. She remembered the night she’d begged him to come over when Angela had had to leave the house to help a friend with schoolwork—when she’d seduced him.  No matter. Angela deserved what was coming. Julia was growing excited to deliver it.

“I hope you enjoyed your one night of getting fucked good, Angela.” But her twin sister only laughed.

“My one night? I was with him when he got your sappy, pitiful message practically begging him to date you. I told him he should because I felt guilty that I had just fucked him behind your back—I didn’t realize you’d already done the same to me or I wouldn’t have stepped aside that easily.” Julia’s eyes were wide with shock.

“You fucking whore. You hypocrite!”

“You should have known better than to take a man we both wanted. And this wasn’t the first time. Jeff’s comes over most of the nights he know you’ll be out. I let him in. He doesn’t ask my name, and I don’t tell it. And he never calls me Julia. Of course he’s not stupid enough to mention the nights of glorious sex to you, is he?”

Julia finally slapped her sister, hard. Angela put a hand to her stinging cheek and said, “I’m telling you all this because I’m done getting only the brief moments I can sneak behind your back. I’m taking back what you took from me.”

"You won't take anything else from me!"

They struck in unison, hands reaching for hair, teeth bared in rage.


***
To be continued.






   

   
« Last Edit: February 07, 2011, 12:37:58 AM by Regret22 »

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Offline howardcosell

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Re: "Twin Sisters, Rivals"-- My first story!
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2011, 05:52:56 AM »
okay, let me try replying to this again. Your style of writing is very advanced. You established a bond, motivation to fight, you managed the time elements well, and you did well with the dialogue.


I do enough checking and editing in real life, so I don't tend to worry too much about syntax and spelling. And you'll find that most folks who will respond to your work won't be judging it by corrections over content. And with some, as long as you've got women fighting, you may not even have to describe them or give them names. It varies here and that's why it's so much fun. I tell people that as long as you're satisfied with it, it's within the rules of the site, and you had fun writing it, then mission accomplished. Just enjoy what you do and know that others enjoy it too. Welcome.
"When people walk away from you... let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you... and it doesn't mean they are bad people. It just means that their part in your story is over."

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Offline fight fan steve

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Re: "Twin Sisters, Rivals"-- My first story!
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2011, 01:54:35 PM »
Congrats on a great start to your first story! You appear to be an excellent writer!

Please continue!   :)

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Offline Kayla

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Re: "Twin Sisters, Rivals"-- My first story!
« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2011, 07:27:18 PM »
A GREAT start: more please!  :P ;)
Naughty - but oh, so NICE! :-)

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Offline harpua13

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Re: "Twin Sisters, Rivals"-- My first story!
« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2011, 09:25:29 PM »
I enjoyed your story and welcome you to our little community. I hope to read more of your stuff!

Trust me, I write all kinds of fiction (and nonfiction as well), and there is NOTHING wrong with penning a little sexy action!
Free your mind.
And your ass will follow.

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Offline LoveSexyJobbers

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Re: "Twin Sisters, Rivals"-- My first story!
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2011, 05:53:17 AM »
A GREAT start: more please!  :P ;)
I agree
You never grow old until you stop being young