WHAAAAMMMMMM!!!! AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!! OOOOMMMPPPHHH!!!
MOMMY!!!!
I scream out at the top of my lungs as I realize.......INCOMING!!!!!!!........I'm coming in WAY TOO HOT HERE!!!! Now I know how those guys feel coming in to land on those air craft carriers!!! WOWSA!!! I feel my legs buckle as my feet sdtroke Sadie only a glancing blow as guiding my body flying through the air with a parachute dragging behind me is like trying to thread a needle!...IT JUST AINT HAPPENING!!!!
I see Sadie go FLYING BUT I COULD CARE LESSS ABOUT THAT AS I GEGIN A HEAD OVER HEELS TUMBLE AS MY LEGS BUCKLE ON IMPACT WITH HER HARD FUCKING HEAD!!!! I FEEL MYSELF LITERALLY BEING FLIPPED OVER HER!!!!! I do ay least a TRIPLE SOMERSAULT and next thing I know.....my eyes are facing SKYWARD!!!! THEN........
SPLAAAAAAATTTTTTTT!!!!!!
I feel like one of those old space capsule landings where it just kinda goes .....PLUNK!....
I feel my self SINKING (Yeah...that good old fashioned...SINKING FEEELING!) Next thing i know...instead of the bright sunlight and the blue sky....IT IS FUCKING SERIOUSLY DARK!!!!! and this STICKY STEEENKY GOOOOOO is all around me......ON ME!......I MEAN I"M HALF NEKKID ANYWAY...I just have on my bikini bottom but WOWSA!.......THIS SHIT IS COLD!!!!!! All that I feel right now is this sinking sensation and I reach up with my arms but they move like they are tied down with lead weights!. I keep sinking as I feel around and grope around in this GOOOEY DARK and .....find the straps to my chute......like that FUCKING HELPS ME!!! MUTHTAFUCKA!!!! WHAT IF I'M IN A RADIOACTIVE WASTE PIT?
Will my tits grow a lot bigger? HEY!! This could be a good thing!!! AND HEY!.....a third arm always comes in handy!! I can multi-task way better! I do have one itty bitty problem though......
I AM FUCKING DROWNING!!!!!!!
I open my mouth to scream for help but that was a huge mistake as I take in a few gallons of WHATEVER THIS MUDDY SHIT IS!!!!
(it is at this point I make a mental note to self: SELF! DO NOT EVER....... TEXT......DRUNK!!.....AGAIN!!)
So ok...like I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE!!!! I AM ACTUALLY GONNA DIE!!!!! GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!. And then.......the crazy thoughts start flowing through my mind.......Oh?.....did I say....CRAZY? Well...you be the judge....here is a sampling of some of the thoughts:
Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?
At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
What is Satan's last name?
If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?
Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him?
When there's two men who "get married", do they both go to the same bachelor party?
If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
Why do dogs like the smell of other dogs butts?
On Gilligan's Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?
STOP!!!!!!! STOP IT MICHELLE!!! YOU'RE LOSING IT!!!!
I sorta think I hear some sort of "SLOSHING" sound although I can't imagine that's possible....I finally somehow .....miracles or miracles!.....feel both my hands thrust through the mud and to the surface....I wiggle my fingers a lot and think to myself....."YOUR SAVED MICHELLE"...then I realize.....while I have GREAT HANDS!......I CAN'T BREATHE THROUGH THEM!!!!!! THEN I HEAR A VOICE AND IT AINT GOD.....UNTLESS GOD HAS THIS IRRITATING SOUTHERN DRAWL!!! and he called me a "STUPID cxnt!" THEN I FIGURE ....I KNOW THAT IRRITAING VOICE ANYWHERE ..........IT'S SADIE!....SHE'S CUM TO SAVE ME!!!!!!
(See its kinda her pet name for me....."STUPID cxnt".....I mean SHE REALLY DOES CARE ABOUT ME A LOT!....I know SHE GETS A LITTLE STRESSED AT ME at times....BUT DON'T YOU SAY SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME with all her heart....I mean can't you just feel the love and affection between us? OK...there is this thing that is about to happen.......)
I struggle to get my feet down to the bottom of the pit so I can hove off of them!! WANTING TO SCREAM!!!! SADIE!!!!! (Its at this point I try that VULCAN TELEPATHY.......SADIE?.....OH SADIE?.....COME IN SADIE!!!!!) My feet final find the solid bottom of the pit and I push off of them taut ribbed down my thighs!....large droplets collecting on my small....pink...... hard.......erect nipples...... before slowly dropping to the surface of the mud. Next thing I know....
GUUUUHHHH!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN SPEARED!!!!!!! OH THANK YOU SADIE!!!!!!!!!
Next thing I know its Friday night at the local "Let's Wrestle Nekkid Bar"....they have mud wrestling there on Friday nights and its only blocks from my apartment in NYC and I am the 2-time champion!...kinda proud of that too!....Mom isn't so hot on it though
Sadie and I have each other in a DEATH GRIP!!! We're rolling around in the shallow end....taking turns grabbing each others mud-soaked hair...and driving each other's face into the fucking mud!!! We're SCREAMING AND YELLING!....CURSING EACH OTHER!!! We're slapping each other!!! OOOOOUUUCCHHH!!!!! Mud flying as a palm slaps across a mud-soaked face! THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN.....I FEEL THIS INTENSE PRESSURE UP AGAINST MY NECK AND WINDPIPE!!!!!
UUNNGGHHH!!!!! Sadie has taken a strap from the parachute and is fucking CHOKING ME!!!!!!! ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!! I feel myself STRAIN for some air but little is coming into my mouth...MY LUNGS NOW STARVING!!!!! She's behind me and I reach back and skap ar her hands but she has both ends of the strap and its CHOKING ME!!!!! I hear her taunting me now....cussing me......telling me its ALL ABOUT TO BE OVER!!!! I AM HER MORTAL ENEMY AND I MUST DIE!! I mean some real fucking dramatic SHIT!!
I am starting to black out!!!.....my eyes begin to flutter!!!.....I feel my strength waining!!!......and I HEAR IT......oink!...oink!
WHAT THE FUCK? Sadie lets go of the strap around my neck and I just stand there...looking like every person's dream....topless...world class tits...covered in mud....then I hear it again....."oink"....'oink"......I turn and look at Sadie...also covered in mud and just only slightly LESS naked!
We both raise our shoulders up to each other...shrugging......"what the FUCK?"....its like both she and I SAY IT AT THE SAME TIME!
SHE RAISES HER RIGHT ARM AND POINTS BACK BEHIND ME AND I SEE A HEARD OF PIGGS COMING TOWARDS US...AND 4 FUCKING FAT SLOBS IN OVERALLS, STRAW HATS, BALL CAPS......NOTHING ON UNDER THE OVERALLS!
I LOOK AT HER AND OUR EYES MEET AND NEXT THING I NOW WE BOTH ARE SCREAMING....RUN!!!!!!!
WE BOTH DO OUR HIGH STEP WITH EACH FOOT IN THE PIT!!....THEN THE LOUD "SLOSHING SOUND"...THEN THE OTHER FOOT DOING ITS SLOSHING! AS WE STRUGGLE TO GET OUT OF THE PIT AND RUN TO A FARMHOUSE AT THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE PIT!
I lower my shoulder and SLAM my way through the large farmhouse door!!! AARRGGHHH!!!! We each literally crash through the door and dive across the old wooden floor!!! Rolling across the floor until we both slam into the legs of a rather long table!! We both sit up...shake our heads a few times...blinking back the pain and exhaustion! We slowly get to out feet and look across this huge dinging room type table.....then we suddenly hear THIS ENGINE ROAR OF SOME SORT!!!! I look across the table...as does Sadie and what do we fucking see?
AT THE SAME IDENTICAL
A muthafucka in a God Damn HOCKEY GOALIE'S MASK...... holding up this MINI HUSQVARNA CHAIN SAW (gas powered by the way...please check with your local ACE Hardware store for the complete line of Husqvarna products...ACE HAS ITEMS YOU NEED.....all the way from lubricants to world class chainsaws.......ACE is the helpful hardware place!) THE CHAINSAW BLADE IS DRIPPING WITH SOMETHING RED??.......FUCK!!!......Sadie and I turn our faces to each other at that identical moment...both our mouths opening wide and OUR EYES MEETING AND LOCKING ON TO ONE ANOTHER'S.....US BOTH SCREAMING OUT!.....BLOOD!!!!!!!! Also on the other side of the table is some OLD WOMAN......A WHITE STRAW HAT over her GRAYING....MANGY...GREASY.... really FUCKED UP HAIR!!! Then it hits me......SHE HAS A MEAT CLEAVER IN HER HAND AND TRUST ME!....SHE IS NOT JUNE CLEAVER AND THIS AINT...."LEAVE IT TO BEAVER"!!!!
WE'RE IN.....TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE II???....or is it III?.........fucking IV???........FUCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
I look at Sadie.....SHE NODS AND WE BOTH MAKE A BEELINE FOR A SIDE DOOR AND CRASH THROUGH IT!!!!! CRASSSSHHHH!!!!!! AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! We end up in this room where it is TOTALLY PITCH BLACK!!!!!! We both sit up on our asses...leaning back on our arms and hands.....At first we hear nothing as we both slowly get to our feet! The silence is defining!!! THEN WE HEAR A FEW LOW MOANS!!!......then we FREEZE IN OUR TRACKS....... we take a few more deep breaths AND CAN NOT ONLY SMELL.....BUT ALMOST TASTE THE STENCH IN THE ROOM!!!!!
I whisper...."Sadie?......where the fuck are we?"........I hear her whisper back......"Michelle.....I have no fucking idea!....but I'm pretty sure it aint Kansas".....
THEN.......IT HAPPENS!!!...........
