Anita Ekberg is angry. Everyone told the big Swede that War and Peace would be her ticket to the Hollywood big time, and she's sure she was the best thing in it. But all the attention went to the leads. Who could believe Henry Fonda and Mel Ferrar as Russians, not to mention that scrawny Audrey Hepburn? As for King Vidor, was there ever stiffer directing? Anita Ekberg has talent, but all she gets from Hollywood are boob jokes. Maybe she will have better luck in Europe.
Anita entered this shadowy catfight tournament on a whim, looking for the chance to beat up actresses who beat her out for top roles. She's been promised $10,000 an appearance. But standing around in this makeshift auditorium, really just a drafty warehouse in Birmingham, she's still waiting for her check. And instead of her promised match with Deborah Kerr, a true star, Anita has discovered her opponent tonight has never even been on the professional stage, much less in the movies. She's a nobody, a schoolgirl who is built like Audrey Hepburn but with even wider shoulders, a softer waist and bigger hips. Anita mutters to herself, how did this teen even get on the fight card?
Needing a late replacement for Kerr, the British promoters had grown desperate. When a theatre student walked through the office door in London, even she got a look. Perhaps it was naïve, but Diana Rigg spoke frankly at what she thought was a casting call. "I have no real physical prowess," she told the man from Lew Grade's office. The teen wrinkled her nose in distaste when he explained "catfighing." The very idea of wrestling other girls to entertain the proles! It's scarcely better than football.
Despite her boyish physique, the tall girl has no interest in martial arts. To Diana, sport means fly fishing, or perhaps looking a game animal in the eye _ through a telescopic sight of course _ before pulling the trigger. Preferably a great cat, so she could get a fur coat out of it! But even as Diana stood up to leave, the combination of the teen's long, thin legs and obvious lack of sophistication appealed to the man. He quickly offered her £100 a match, plus £50 more if she won. She signed up immediately. If she couldn't support herself in the city, Mummy and Daddy would certainly send someone to fetch her home and get her married her off.
Both fighters are heavier than their listed weights, but Diana's 133 pounds reflect a student diet of pub grub, plonk and cigarettes. Pushing 63 kilos, Anita may look top-heavy, but her rock-hard abs provide support, and her pecs have to be powerful to thrust her gigantic jugs forward. Ekberg's storied bosom more than accounts for her weight advantage over Rigg.
Anita is still fuming as the ref calls the fighters together and goes through the instructions. Mentally tallying her grievances, the actress is flat-footed as the bell rings and the student attacks. Taller and with a longer reach, Diana goes right for Anita's face with the combination of an open-handed slap and nails across the cheek. With her left hand, Rigg yanks Anita's long blondish hair _that color can't be natural _ pulling her head down as the Swede squeals in pain _ while punching her in the gut. Ekberg doubles over, but the painful assault also serves as an alarm clock. Enraged, the actress grabs the English girl around the waist and drives her backward. Stumbling, Diana manages to keep her balance but loses her grasp on Anita's hair. Rising up, Ekberg connects with an uppercut that sends Rigg bouncing off the ropes. Anita then grabs Diana by her stevedore shoulders and simply throws her into the corner. As Anita follows her in, but Diana spins aside and grabs Ekberg's left arm, throwing her to her hands and knees.
The girl pounces on top of the woman, riding her to the mat, pummeling away. Surprised and elated by her rare success, Diana goes for a quick end with an arm bar. She maintains it for six seconds, but she has under-estimated the Swede's strength. Anita is able to break the hold and surge up, using a sharp elbow to knock Diana off. The two women scramble to their feet, sweat flying, eyes flashing. Again using her longer reach, Diana targets Anita's face, but her blows aren't strong enough to stop the furious blonde. In a flash, Ekberg is on her with fists, elbows, knees and feet. Reeling, Diana again dodges, but this time it's Anita who grabs the teen's long red hair and pulls her into a headlock. Diana tries to latch onto Anita's tight waist, but her hands slip to the woman's rounded hips and she can't get leverage. Instead, Ekberg drives a knee into Rigg's soft midsection, again and again, pounding her until she's limp. The crowd is roaring as Anita finally releases the battered girl, who falls to the mat.
From above, Anita unsnaps Diana's black bustier and roughly pulls it off the whimpering teen. Sneering, Ekberg holds it up inside out. She's showing the crowd that it's a balconet: the underwired B-cups are half-filled with foam and further augmented by a front extension. "All this padding must violate the rules," she tells the ref. Contestants aren't supposed to wear protective devices, Ekberg insists. She might be right, but he's too fixated on her chest to focus on her words. Caught up in the fight, Anita Ekberg hadn't noticed when one narrow strap of her wispy gown snapped. As she battered Diana, Anita's fun bags have been bouncing like beach balls. Finally realizing that the crowd is in a lather over her fun bags more than her fighting skills, Anita enjoys the moment. She steps out of the torn dress, leaving only her blue lace panties, and twirls round the ring, playfully wiggling her perfect ass. There's a half-second of silence as the entire crowd breathes in, then an paroxysm of joy, a wall of sound, followed by cries for her to remove the panties.
Still holding Diana's homemade top, Anita sees how tightly constricted its small cups are, intended to force meagre breasts together and push them unnaturally high. Below, the garment extends far down, tightly cinching the waist. Are those whalebone stays? This must be very uncomfortable Anita thinks, losing interest in her argument with the ref.
The spectators understand the reason for Diana's self-enhancement as she staggers to her feet. At that horrid boarding school where Mummy and Daddy stashed her, Enid Rigg was always the tallest girl in her class so she always stood out. Well, except in two ways. To her dismay, all the other girls developed breasts before she did, and theirs kept growing beyond what she could manage. Even now, under the far more glamorous name of Diana, the facts of life are against her. The women in this tournament are so huge, they seem like a different gender. Anita's gigantic breasts seem like white whales, as terrifying to the under-developed teen as Moby Dick. Vast but shapely, they are at once more substantial and softer than anything Diana ever imagined, probably beyond the imaginings of the other girls at school, maybe even beyond the matrons' imaginings.
As the spectators strain for a look at Diana's four-ounce chestnuts, their verdict is undecided. Some stand at attention and cheer, others titter and jeer. Yet even disappointed cleavage enthusiasts must admit the breastless Brit is game. As Anita preens in the ring, Diana tackles the Swede to the mat. She starts to climb up the woman's muscular back, but stops to pull down Ekberg's panties. Startled by the beauty of Anita's firm, round ass, Diana decides to mess it up. The students discovers that being the one administering corporal punishment very satisfying. But it's not smart, because in her growing excitement, Rigg isn't sitting down on Ekberg's muscular thighs. The redhead can't continue the spanking as Anita pushes up, kicks out and breaks free. Still intent, both fighters jump to their feet. But as she faces bodacious Anita, androgynous Diana seems hypnotized by the twin pendulums of the actress' massive mammaries. Reflexively, the teen uses one hand to cover her own barely pubescent nubs. Anita notices, and sees Rigg flinch back as she steps forward. Ekberg decides to switch tactics, and surprises the English girl with a kick to her already bruised belly. Anita springs at the teen, but her left hits the top of Diana's head, and the sudden pain causes the sexy blonde to miss with her right.
In a flash of anger, Diana grabs Anita's neck and begins throttling her. Her sudden rage gives her strength, and she holds the actress at arms length. Ekberg struggles to break the student's grasp. Face turning red, tears streaming down her face, Anita remains locked in the student's grasp as the two stagger around the ring. Flailing, she punches Diana's chest, then swings wide and manages to clout her on the ears. The sharp pain breaks the teen's hold. But Rigg immediately retaliates with her own wild punches, swinging from her hips at the shorter Swede. Rigg's blows are hard and painful, but unskilled. Anita is able to catch most of them on her arms and shoulders. The womanly Ekberg is far more experienced than the boyish Rigg. With her limited stamina, time is running out on Diana. True, the Swede's punches also have lost some energy, but she now throws them straight into the girl's face, awash in emerging freckles as Diana's inexpert makeup runs from a combination of blood, sweat and tears.
Ekberg knocks Rigg onto the ropes. As she swings back on them, though, Diana instantly realizes the motion gives her an opportunity. This time, it is the English girl who launches a surprise kick, higher than she could manage without the slight arcing effect coming off the ropes. Anita is pressing in, leaning forward, and the swift kick catches her squarely below the ribs, driving the air out of her in a sudden whoosh. As Anita bends over gasping, Diana pulls her into a headlock. Rigg means to administer the same sort of knee strikes that Ekberg slammed her with earlier. But desperate for breath, the thrashing woman is even harder for the tall girl to control. Ekberg bucks wildly, sending Diana again flying backward onto the ropes. This time, she lands higher, and flounders backward, with hair, head, shoulders and arms dangling outside of the ring.
Still choking, Anita Ekberg is outraged that this unknown girl has pushed her to the verge of defeat. As Diana Rigg struggles for balance, still stretched along the ropes, Ekberg jumps forward and grabs at the girl's chest. But leaning backward, Rigg's tiny titties are too flat for Anita to twist. Even Diana's pink areolas are miniscule, her slippery nipples too short to hold. In frustration, Anita sinks in her nails and drags them across the teen's crêpes. Diana squeals in anguish, but her body reacts to the shocking pain by finding its balance. Her right forearm slams into the side of Anita's head. As the Swede stumbles aside, Diana bolts across the ring. Only when she reaches the opposite ropes does the panicked teen whirl on her pursuer. Who is not pursuing. Having once again been stunned by the English girl, Ekberg is shaking head of cobwebs and, as at the start of the evening, muttering in anger. She takes a deep breath, then stalks across the ring to where Diana cowers, her chest as red as her hair.
Diana crouches, staring again at Anita's bountiful breasts. The Swede notices, and is ready when the girl springs, aiming for those bouncing bazookas. Ekberg steps aside, and easily throws the onrushing student over her leg. Sprawling, Diana pushes up to her hands and knees, but Anita circles and kicks her in the ribs. The girl rolls aside, but Anita kicks her in the ass, sending her sprawling. Ekberg bends and rips Diana's black panties, exposing her speckled butt. But the Swede still hasn't learned her lesson. Diana is able to grasp the lowest rope, and gain leverage for a leg sweep that upends Anita, who lands heavily. The two fighters slowly climb to their feet. Trying to keep the actress at bay, Diana lands two feeble punches. They are almost enough to stop the weary Anita, but she latches onto the redheaded girl and steadily pushes her backward. Diana tries to wrap up the shorter woman, but she has no strength left. Up close, Rigg can't prevent the stronger blonde from working over her body. Diana hunches over and tries to cover up, but Anita pulls her arms away. Diana finds herself face-to-breasts with her worst nightmares, the overhwelming icebergs of Sweden's best bust. Anita thrusts out her chest and gives Diana a milkshake. Rigg has nothing to match Ekberg's left-right combination, knocking her one way then the other. Smothering in a faceful of Swedish tits, the panicked girl employs her last gambit.
Anita gives a sudden yell and jumps backward as though hit by an electric shock. She whirls to the ref and points to the red bite marks emerging like a rash on one small patch of her enormous right tit. Diana stumbles forward and raises her hands to clobber the actress. But the teen's cheating has energized Ekberg, and she has no time to waste on the fixated ref. Spinning around, Anita dodges Diana's blow. As the girl stumbles beside her, the powerful Swede grabs Diana by her hair and pussy, using both to whirl and throw her, with strands coming out in both hands. Screaming in agony, Diana bounces off the mat and rolls. Her momentum carries Rigg under the ropes. Stunned and disoriented, the sobbing girl still struggles to rise, and scarcely registers that it is the lowest rope stopping her. One thing Diana Rigg knows: if she ever gets an action role, or any role, she's going to let stunt people handle the fights. It's her final thought before Anita Ekberg boots her off the apron and onto the floor.
