The Decathlon 8 “Alfie’s Decathlon”
July 2017
The Decathlon involves doing 10 matches over a two day period. We intend to make it 5 matches each day just as the decathlon in track and field athletics involves 5 disciplines each day. The latest decathlon event (this is the eighth one) was a bit unbalanced with 3 matches on Friday and 7 matches on Saturday. It was all set to be 4 and 6 but one of the athletes for day 1 could not make it and the reserve athlete could only do the Saturday. So why is this Decathlon called Alfie’s Decathlon? What is the theme? What is this all about? Well Alfie is the cat who pretty much runs the pub around the corner from MWM. Right now you are all thinking that I am really running out of ideas for these decathlon events. We’ve plenty of good ideas for decathlon events; we have still to do an oil decathlon, a cage decathlon, a costumed superhero decathlon, and there are many more ideas. The fact is that Alfie is a superstar and we are delighted to this decathlon event in his honour and lunch at his pub is definitely on the agenda.
0430 alarm goes off, shower, grab my kit, taxi to station and onto the 0512 to London, couple of cups of coffee on the train while on route to London. Into Paddington before 0800 so sitting down to do a bit of work before heading up to MWM for the 1030 start. Perfect timing, Cam arrives as I walk up to MWM, we go for another coffee (Cam has a cup of tea), and then enter the studio with Sparkle who is my first opponent.
Sparkle 3-0 Spider-Mouth
Sparkle is wearing a very bright colourful costume and so wear the most colourful pair of shorts I have with me and a t shirt. Sparkle’ scores against me are usually lower than the other athletes’ scores so this was a match I targeted to try and hold out for 0-0. At the same time, I am trying to pace myself with another 9 matches to do. Sparkle is strong and is quickly on top looking for grapevine, pin and smother moves. I struggle beneath while we keep up a conversation about holiday destinations which was prompted by an expedia advert on the big TV above us (random). Sparkle soon gets me into position and controls me well allowing her to apply a neck hold. I really want to hold out for 0-0 but I won’t be able to. Tapping out. 1-0 to Sparkle. Battling on. Escaping from a school girl pin. Escaping from a grapevine attempt. Sparkle has my back with plenty of options. Her legs firing over my shoulders from behind and I’m in a head scissors from behind. Trying to keep my jaw bone between her thighs rather than my neck. A quick adjustment and Sparkle squeezes again. I tap. 2-0 to Sparkle. It’s been a terrific opener to the decathlon and was rounded off by a smother move to make the score 3-0. Mid-morning and I’ve not had breakfast yet. Cam, Sparkle and I head down a few doors to a Moroccan café and order omelettes. I do love this part of Camden.
Alexandress 4-0 Spider-Mouth
Sparkle chats with Cam and myself until my second opponent arrives. Lot’s to chat about. Things happening. Alexandress arriving, slim, smiling, beautiful, lively, this will be the first time I’ve taken her on. Changed into her one piece bikini, posing for photos, I can’t wait to test her skills and stamina. On our knees, in each other’s faces, locking up, and we’re down on the mats, rolling around, looking to get into position to take control, laughing, taunting, she protests that I am putting her off, welcome to the Spider-Mouth experience! Fifteen minutes in, she is doing well and we are really enjoying this, water break. I offer to show her some moves, her eyes light up, she says yes please. Showing her the Americana, letting her try and put it on. Showing her how to do a kimoura, talking her through it. We also go through the triangle, camel clutch and arm bar, telling her to be careful and not to do the arm bar too suddenly. Explaining the mechanics of the arm bar to her; how her entire body – arms, back and legs – are working against my elbow joint. OK – back to the match, let’s see if Alexandress is a quick learner, impressive, she works on an Americana and scores her first point. She is flexible and able to manoeuvre her legs better than mine and she gets me in a couple of head scissors bringing the score to 3-0. Back on the mats, she is all over me, I defend well, noticing she is in position to try for a guillotine, I talk her through it, she applies the move and wins the match 4-0. Finishing off with Alexandress just doing another guillotine to make sure she’s got it right.
Nikkitta 1-0 Spidey
Today is my 16th match with Nikkitta, she is an athlete I’ve drawn with in the past but in recent times the matches have been very one sided in her favour. She is a power house, hard training, weights and cardio and she has benefitted from MWM training. This is not a match I am expecting to win or draw. Nikkitta arrives looking toned and tanned, smiling and talkative as ever. Changed, some photos taken, tweeted to the masses tuning into the decathlon on twitter, on the mats and ready to riot. I’m soon on my back, Nikkitta working hard, clenched teeth and eyes closed as she tries to apply a neck hold. I keep my neck in a position where I am well able to resist. I keep my chin over her shoulder to allow me to breathe avoiding her smother attempts. She switches to the grapevine, a good hard grapevine and I’m tapping out early. 1-0 to Nikkitta. To my surprise she is breathing heavily and I manage to avoid losing any more points, very pleased with my stamina today. Nikkitta and I have a chat over an iced coffee before she heads for her bus and I check into my hotel. A nice room in the Corner House Hotel in Camden. Dinner at a local restaurant and in bed by 11pm, it’s been a long day with an early start.
Bullet 9-0 Spider-Mouth
An early start today, strong black coffee, Hmmm Bullet at 0915, she has beaten me in all 12 of our previous matches and I’ve never scored and single point. The last session I had before this decathlon event was a 15-0 loss to Bullet. Bullet is the captain of the MWM team for this event has helped train most of the athletes. Opening to door to let her in. She changes quick and is eager to start the battle. I defend with everything I’ve got with some of my best ever defensive grappling. A full 8 minutes passes and I have managed to stifle her attempts to get me with triangles, Americanas and arm bars. It was not going to last and she has my neck in an awkward position, neck crank, I tap out, 1-0 to Bullet. We are both sweating after that. I’m well pleased I held out so long. A quick drink of water and we’re back into it. Bullet gets me with an arm triangle, she is good at these, she gets me with these a lot. 2-0. A straight arm lock and I’m tapping out early. 3-0. I manage to get on top, but she has her feet hooked into my shins and I cannot get the full mount position. Bullet toppling me over. She is onto me, using her legs to keep my body and legs out of the way as her arms pull my right arm into danger. Before I know it I am stuck in an arm bar and having to tap. 4-0. I’m working hard, but Bullet is a pocket rocket and very strong, great muscle definition in her shoulders and upper arms. She is pushing me flat on the mats, face down, a leg coiled around my right arm helping to anchor the kimoura. I tap 5-0. Time for some new tactics, charging straight forward at Bullet at the start of round 6, she is smiling, rolling on her back and simply sweeping me, well I guess plan B did not work. A straight arm lock and another arm bar have brought the score up to 7-0. Now I am stuck in an arm triangle again, Bullet squeezes it on tight, I cough and splutter, resist as long as I can but have to tap out. 8-0. A Thai grip and I am pulled down and then she has quickly tucked her arms in under my neck as I look down on the mats. Her chest leaning into my back to snuggly secure the guillotine hold. Bullet gradually rolls backwards, my head going down, neck feeling it more than being choked out, I tap. The match ends 9-0. Bullet is happy but little disappointed she did not get me with an Americana. I don’t think she needs to worry, she got me with everything else. Bullet gives me a hug before she has to set off for work, her day has started in the best possible way, with a win.
Frida 5-0 Spider-Mouth
Frida arrives, another athlete who I have done 10 or more matches with. I manage to use my half guard to good effect, she is not frustrated though, she is smiling and confident that the point will come. This is definitely a match I’ve targeted to get a draw or even a win in. I’ve taken a point off Frida before so if I can do so again and defend well … stuff that she’s just got my right leg in a grapevine, she does not even need to make it a full grapevine and lets the left leg go, the pain is growing and I have to tap out. 1-0 to Frida. I beat my chest like King Kong at the start of round 2, Frida grabs my shoulders to pull me in towards her so she can get me in a hold, I am trying to crawl clear but she gets my back and secures me in her guard from behind. It’s a rear naked choke and I’m not going to be able to prevent it. Tap. 2-0. She is very strong today, it is definitely that she is strong rather than me being weak, judging by the other matches. I’m pinned flat on my back, she has the arm span to pin my arms flat out wide on the mats and she hooks her legs in for the grapevine. Trying to twist my body sideways to help the legs escape, one unhooks, but the other is trapped in a half grapevine and I have to tap. 3-0. Frida refers to the pin grapevine combination as her octopus grapevine. I put up a good struggle in the fourth, we cover a lot of the mats with me occasionally on top and some side on grappling, but once Frida gets on top I’m in trouble, she sees the opening for the Americana and switches the pin to a cross body pin to allow both of her arms to work on my right arm. Levering my elbow up, she completes the Americana, I tap out. 4-0. Frida’s legs close to scissoring my neck from behind but I palm her knees outwards and get my head clear of danger. I am trying to deprive of recovery between exchanges by locking up again immediately, going after her, trying to get her back. She is matching everything I’ve got, meeting every challenge and working into a better position for her. She has captured my waist. So far her scissors have not been effective, but this time she squeezes in just the right place and I have to tap. The match ends 5-0 to Frida. Helping her up, big hug, great match.
Lunch with Alfie
Cam, Frida and I make our way to Alfie’s pub and order drinks and pizza. Alfie is lazing on one of the tables, looks like he had a late night last night. Cam and Frida give him some attention. He loves it. Our pizzas arrive and we tuck in. Really good pizzas. Alfie struts around the pub surveying the tables approvingly. How utterly proper.
Dominix 10-0 Spider-Mouth
I’m in a bit of trouble now, my next opponent is Dominix, who was new to the scene in 2016 and who has gone from strength to strength, trained hard and kicked ass. She greets me with a hug, my ribs survive … just. While Dominix is getting changed I am warming up downstairs on the mats. Dominix comes bounding down the stairs with a crazed look on her face like she is going to tear me limb from limb and enjoy every minute of it. Cam comes down the stairs in a more refined and elegant manner to take some pre-match photos. Let the onslaught begin! I am almost curling into a ball to keep my limbs away from Dominix. She gets my back, her legs scissoring my right arm while her arms get my left arm. She uses her four limbs to stretch my arms out and back crucifix fashion and I tap out. 1-0. Dominix is in theatrical mood today, taunting me, clearly enjoying a particularly dominant performance. A rear naked choke, a head scissors and a triangle bring the score to 4-0. I’m in survival mode, not so much trying to avoid submitting, but avoiding the worst types of submission. Dominix gets me in a cradle position and taunts me as she looks down seeing the fear in my eyes as I nervously laugh at the situation I’m in. On goes a neck crank and it’s 5-0. Another rear naked choke makes it 6-0. I end up sprawled on my front and she sits on my back pulling my chin up – it is not a camel clutch because my arms are not trapped by her knees, but still I need to tap out. 7-0. I can see Dominix pulling on a figure 4 head scissors and I tap out before it gets too severe. 8-0. She completes the rout with another triangle and a head scissors from behind. She pulls me too my feet after the match, grabs me around the waist and lifts me in the air letting out a shout of victory. I can’t believe how much energy she still has left and she is already asking me when we are going to have our next match. Wow!
Samurai 7 – 0 Spider-Mouth
It’s always great when one athlete can wait until the next athlete arrives. Dominix, Samurai, Cam and I have a great catch up. I get a quick shower leaving the three ladies to talk, then Samurai gets changed. She emerges from the shower room looking very fit, her quad muscles are perfect for head scissoring guys! Down stairs, warm up, on our knees and it’s on. Samurai is not quite as fast as usual and that gives me more time to work out my defence. I managed to avoid her triangle attempts as we roll from wall to pillar and back into the centre of the ring. I can tell Samurai likes it when I try to defend, it is more of a challenge for her than if some beached whale of a guy was just lying there. I’m a perfect physical specimen on the other hand (well actually I can’t back that up). Samurai methodically dismantles my defences, I try to use my hands to avoid being head scissored, I try and keep an arm in between her ankles but Samurai remove sit and squeezes on the head scissors 1-0. I can’t believe it … she has got me in another head scissors, this time lying side on, she is looking into my eyes telling me I am going purple, I tell her I’m feeling fine, she squeezes a little harder, OK it’s time to tap out. 2-0. Samurai may be fighting at a controlled pace today but her strength is undeniable. Sitting on my back side with Samurai in full mount position. She pulls my neck up towards her with one arm and pushed my other arm down to the mats for an upside down kimoura. 3-0. A forearm pressed to my throat makes it 4-0 and a rear naked choke makes it 5-0. Trying to avoid being planted on my back, I roll onto my side, but again Samurai has the answer as she applied a side guillotine. 6-0. Time for one more round, I give it my all to hold out as long as possible, but Samurai is in great form today, getting my right arm, a quick spin round and she has my arm between her legs and on goes the arm bar, I’m tapping out one more time. 7-0. We embrace after and Samurai tells me it is always great to have a match with me.
Unnamed Opponent A 6-0 Spider-Mouth
In my previous decathlon events, I’ve been able to show photos of most of my opponents or at least use their stage names. This has been great for publicising the events, doing posters etc. However, there are some athletes out there in this scene who do not wish to be identified at all. This includes some athletes who used to session openly but now do it secretly for their own reasons. It’s great to do the posters, the comics etc, but it’s a shame to exclude some great athletes from Decathlon events. I know I can do single sessions with them any time as long as it is all very discrete. What the heck, I looked at all the options with Cam and there was one such athlete in particular who I wanted in the 10 and another who was on my reserve list. With one athlete not being able to make it, the second anonymous member of the decathlon team was called into the squad. I’m really glad she could make it, because we did not hear 100% that the original opponent could not make it until this morning (Saturday). So Anonymous Athlete A? Have I sessioned with her before? Has she openly done sessions before? I’m saying nothing either way. Just this simple match report on my 6-0 loss. She gets me in a school girl pin after 10 minutes, but forgets to count so I remind her to and after she has reached 10 I am telling her she is 1-0 up because pins count as well as submissions. She is stretched across my chest with both arms working on my right arm. One hand pulling the upper arm up and the other pushing the forearm down, classic straight arm lock. 2-0. She gets me in a grapevine for 3-0. I joke that one day when I die, I will be in a Y-shaped coffin and as the funeral procession passes down the street, people will see the Y-shaped coffin and say – yes that’s Spider-Mouth and that’s how he would have wanted to go – in a grapevine! The fourth point is interesting, it is an arm choke triangle except I am facing down towards the mats with my opponent on my back strangling me with my own right arm pulled around my neck. A nice bit of improvisation. 4-0. She completes the 6-0 win with an Americana and a front choke. She had a great chat with Cam afterwards and actually stayed to watch the last two matches and join us for dinner in the Turkish Restaurant opposite.
Bellatrix 10-0 Spider-Mouth
A star is born! Bellatrix arrives and changes into a leopard print one piece bikini. Cam advises me that this is her first competitive match. She seems a little nervous but eager to learn. As soon as the match starts I feel her strength as she forces me to the mats. I mean, she is way stronger than she looks in her photographs. She goes straight for the grapevine and I’m tapping out already. 1-0. I tell her that the grapevine is my favourite. Bad move, she gets me with three more grapevines during the match! She realises she has the edge and wants her win to be for real and tells me straight not to go easy on her. I don’t think she realises I was giving 100% because I was hoping to hold out for 0-0. The next point comes from a head scissors and let me tell you she has a vice like head scissors. I ask her if she does any other sports because she is very strong? She says she doesn’t. I ask if she does strength work at the gym? That is also a negative? Maybe she is a dancer? Nope. OK I ask if she works on a farm pitching hay bales up into the loft. She does not do that either. I guess Bellatrix has been blessed with natural strength that the rest of us have to train for! She gets me with another two head scissors in between the four grapevines with the other points coming from a reverse head scissors and a pair of rear naked chokes. I really don’t know what just hit me. A 10-0 crushing from a newbie. I highly recommend her to you guys out there especially if you like head scissors! Bellatrix got changed and looked like a regular person again as she left the studio. I wonder if anyone seeing her walking down the street has any idea that she is a lethal weapon?
Unnamed Opponent B 4-1 Spider-Mouth
The final match of the day and indeed the final match of the decathlon is against a second anonymous opponent. I’m really grateful she could make it because she heard she was one about 3 hours before the match! She has kit to wrestle in and is very cheerful as we warm up. I’m pleased with my stamina and fitness as I manage to keep the match under control for the first 10 minutes or so with no score on either side. It’s a good work out. Eventually she gets me with a head scissors. 1-0 to my opponent. We are back tussling after a break to drink some water. I pin her on her back and ask her how she likes her view of the ceiling. She smiles and taps her right hand on the mats saying I can have this point. Great, in the tenth and final match I score a point, maybe I can hold out for a draw. My opponent made and converted hr opportunities to complete the 4-1 win with a half grapevine, a second head scissors and a rear naked choke. Myself, Cam and the two athletes who must remain anonymous had a chat afterwards. I got showered. My final opponent left but opponent number 8 stayed with Cam and myself for dinner. I had lamb shish, it was excellent. It was soon time for me to dash for my train and Cam to lock up at the studio. I caught the last train back to Wales arriving home at half past midnight, I slept like a log. A huge thank you to Cam for organising this event and to my ten opponents, it was a top couple of days.
