something else I whipped up over at patreon.com/sandcastles based on the fan votes.
The Joker was dead, and for one person in the world, that sucked. After the whole Arkham City bit, Harley Quinn had never been the same. She spent a while bossing around the Joker's boys, and they learned pretty quickly that she wasn't just the second in command just for being a pretty face. That just felt like a waste of time. She spent more and more time alone or drinking. It wasn't the same without her puddin'. He was her reason to be what she was. She was actually starting to wonder if a life of crime was all it was cracked up to be, and considered going back to psychotherapy when she saw the news. Lexcorp had announced that it had made an interdimensional portal device, one that led to infinite alternate universes. Luthor insisted that it would only be used for peaceful purposes and go through extensive research before seeing any real use, but it was always hard to tell with baldy. One thing she knew for sure, though, was that infinite worlds meant infinite Jokers. He had to be out there somewhere. She finished the bottle and kicked open the door that separated her from the rest of the clown-faced gang. She hurled the empty bottle against the nearest wall to grab their attention (something big and theatrical like Joker would have done).
"Aright, boys! Getcha gear on! We're doin' a big job tomorra night, and if ya do it right, we'll all be seein' Mista J real soon!"
The gang wasn't the stealthiest bunch of cat burglars and they knew it. Harley was no criminal mastermind, but she knew common sense and basic psychology. She sent Joker's boys out to hit up a random Lex Corp warehouse nearby. They set off enough alarms and blasted enough guards that the cops, all of Lex's guards, and even the capes would be busy for a long while. It so noisy that nobody would suspect Harley had dropped a load of cash in front of Catwoman to let her quietly take down the Lexcorp HQ's security so they could easily fight their way through the remaining guards.
"There's your prize," Cat Woman informed her, swiping a stolen keycard and opening the door to the metal-lined lab. Inside was a large circle of metal, like a warped doorway minus the door.
"Thanks a million, pussycat," Harley said, her eyes already locked on the powerful piece of machinery. She stepped into the room and gestured dismissively at her. "Can ya lock the doors? Make em so they can only open from the inside? And just make sure ya don't come back in, no matter what ya hear?"
Selina's face soured a bit. "I don't even want to KNOW what you plan on doing in here. I've got my money, you've got your target. Security's down for another three hours tops, Quinn. Do what you need and get out of here." With a few brisk, faint footsteps, the thief was gone. Harley didn't need her anyway. They generally didn't cross paths enough to care about each other to begin with. All she needed was her Joker back.
It turned out that took a lot of fiddling. There was a bunch of notes and levers and stuff like that, and Harley was a psychologist, not an engineer. She finally got it fired up , the portal spinning and glowing until there was a big flash of light and a figure stepped out of the portal.
"Mistah J? Puddin'? Izzat you?" Harley asked, peering over the controls.
"Puddin'?!" snapped a familiar voice, but familiar in the way she had hoped. "Who are you callin' puddin', ya trashy barbie doll?" There was a faint similarity, but Harley saw... herself. It was a bit more cartoony and... animated than her. She wore a full body jester's outfit, only leaving her face exposed and that was covered in black and white makeup.
"Whatta you doing here?! I was looking for Mistah J! Piece'a junk!" Harley gave the controls a firm thump with her fist as if scolding the advanced piece of machinery.
"What'd you want him for?" the new Harley asked.
"Cuz mine's busted!" this world's Harley snapped back. "Bats did 'em in, so now I gotta get em back. And that Sassafras Ghoul guy won't play ball, and the Black Lanterns blew me off, so this-"
Despite her playful attire, the new Harley ran up and decked her leather-clad duplicate in the nose. "Don't you EVER try and take my man away from me, ya underdressed hussie!" she snapped.
Arkham Harley landed on her ass, rubbing her face while she glared at the other. "Hey! Nobody talks to me that way!"
"Yes they do!" animated Harley shouted back. "Mistah J does it all the time!"
"Well he's special! Ain't nobody else can call me stuff like that! Not even me!" Arkham Harley rose to her knees and punched the animated Harley in the crotch of her snug costume. The more jester-like alternate crossed her legs and gasped as she clutched her groin. "Right in the toybox!" her attacker laughed heartlessly as she rose and snatched her by one of the tassels on Animated Harley's headpiece. She turned and slammed her face into the nearby wall, leaving a smudge of white makeup where she'd landed.
"If you're between Mr. J, then you're nuttin' to me!" she snapped. She shoved her captured doppelganger at the wall, but she raised her hands to catch herself.
"Oh yea? Well same goes for me! I mean you!" Animated Harley slammed an elbow into Arkham Harley's mouth, sending her staggering back out of control. The more clownish Harley leapt onto her back, pulling her hair and clothes while Arkham Harley stumbling around, the two swapping frantic swings and curses. It wasn't until they ran into the control panel and bounced back that they froze, looking up at the whirling and glowing portal.
Another Harley appeared, this one quite different in her own right. There was the same wild makeup, of course. She wore jean shorts and stockings of a familiar color pattern to the others, but also a set of goggles and a World War II bomber jacket over a similarly patterned tube top. Bombshells Harley frowned and looked over her counterparts that were clambering over each other, staring at the new parallel.
"Okay, I don't know what kinda screwball machine that was, but I definitely ain't on the homefront." She looked around the room and scratched at one of her blonde pigtails. "Everything's too shiny. I musta got sucked into some trashy costume party."
"Hey, who you callin' trashy!" Animated Harley snapped. "At least my whoopee cushions ain't hanging out of my top like youse two!"
"What'd you say ta me?!" the pilot snapped, rolling up her sleeves as she approached. Tempers and stability were pretty universal among the multiverse of Harley Quinzelles.
"Did you just call my funbags 'whoopee cushions?" Arkham Harley added before getting another yank of her pigtails from the foe still on her back. She gave an angry yelp and caught her by the arm, biting into her hand. Animated Harley shrieked as she let go and fell off, but Bombshell Harley stepped up and punched the Arkham version in the gut. She grunted out a whoosh of air and bent over, but she kicked into the Bombshell's knee and toppled her to the hard floor. She straddled the pilot's stomach, grabbing onto her coat and sending a few more punches into her face. She'd wound up for another when the Bombshell shifted her arms, pulling out of her jacket and leaving Arkham holding nothing but her clothing. It left her surprised as the mad pilot swiftly poked her in the eyes with two fingers.
"Ha! Classic!" the animated Harley laughed before she sent a kick into the Bombshell's ribs. She grunted as the animated version shoved Arkham aside, allowing her to drag the Bombshell by one leg until she could kick her in the hip. Bombshell Harley winced, but she shoved up with her other booted foot. It tagged the costumed villainess in the breast, sending her staggering back and holding onto her chest.
"That all you got? I've punched out Nazis that hit harder than you!" the pilot crowed, getting back up with her dukes up. She swung at the animated Harley, who ducked aside from the first swing. Bombshell followed up with a kick, but when Harley ducked under that, her boot caught on the various switched and knobs of the portal's control panel.
"Aw jeez! Just a sec! Lemme get tha-" But Animated Harley didn't bother waiting, tackling into the propaganda poster girl parallel away as her laces yanked on even more of the switches. By the time the portal was done swirling and flashing, they were already on the ground kicking and tearing at each other's hair.
"Aw jeez! Just a sec! Lemme get tha-" But Animated Harley didn't bother waiting, tackling into the propaganda poster girl parallel away as her laces yanked on even more of the switches. By the time the portal was done swirling and flashing, they were already on the ground kicking and tearing at each other's hair.
Another pair of blondes stepped out of the portal... well, more accurately, one wheeled out and one strode out. The first wore the classic red and black outfit with white facepaint as the others. However, she wore roller skates, a helmet, kneepads and goggles with a manic grin on her painted face, resembling a tastefully 60's era roller derby girl. "Holy Harleys!" she declared. "If it ain't a bunch of copycats of da queen of crime! Or is this some devious delivery of that bothersome Batman to foil THE HARLEQUIN!?"
"Sheesh, what kinda crappy old timey dimension did you fall outta?" Arkham Harley sneered at her.
"Yea, and where'd you pick up talking like such a looney tune?" Bombshell added.
The second Harley answered... in her own strange way. She bowed and spoke in a stream of Japanese, clad in red and black silks that covered most of her body and face. The streaks of white makeup lined her eyes, but a veil of cloth covered her mouth. A sheathed for a long, straight blade was at her waist and sandals tipped her legs. Of course, there was the occasional flash of bare skin, particularly in the diamond shape that showed her jiggling cleavage.
"I wasn't talkin' to you, ya sneaky Jap!" Bombshell snapped.
"Hey, we might be murderin' and thievin' nutjobs, but we respect all cultures in this dimension a'mine!" Arham snapped.
"That's what they said about King Tut and The Yellow Terror," '66 Harley mused. "Look where that got us..."
"All I'm sayin'," the animated Harley spoke up. "Is I think Mistah J would look cute in a kimono. I know where I'm goin'!"
The ninja version of Harley scowled and grabbed her blade, throwing it skillfully at the animated version's head. She yelped and ducked, but it came close enough that it ripped the bangled hood off of her costume. She tried to charge in and follow up on her strike, but the 66 era Harley elbowed her in the face and dropped her to the floor.
"BIFF!" she shouted boastfully, since this dimension wouldn't provide any sound effects for her.
“So you wanna rumble too, huh?!” Arkham Harley snapped, popping up behind the retro incarnation and delivering a double-fisted smash to the back of her neck. '66 Harley went down in a clumsy heap as her roller skates proved impractical for balance, sending her tumbling away from the portal. The ninja version swept Arkham's legs out from under her catching the stumbling blonde in a stranglehold from behind. While she kicked and thrashed, the animated version ran over to the controls.
"This place is gettin' a little crowded for my liking!" she snapped, fiddling with some levers and pounding the button. "Let's send you knuckleheads back home!"
Arkham Harley bit into the ninja's arm, making her let go and diving away from the warming up portal. "Wait! I'm already home!" she protested, but the ninja caught her by the leg and shouted something panicked in Japanese as she climbed over her to get away. They made it out of its way before the portal flashed again, this time accompanied by... a bell?
The lights cleared to show a squatting Harley, dressed in a more skintight outfit than the rest as a tight one piece. She wore a red and white patterned mask, though more in a luchador style than the rest of the girls' makeup and vaguely comical costumes. She stood upright and rolled her shoulders as she eyed up the rest of the room.
"So... new challengers," the grinned with a faint Spanish accent that suggested English wasn't her first language. "So you came for my belt, did ya?"
"What belt!?" groaned the '66 edition, rubbing her aching head.
Lucha Harley looked down at herself. "It's... more of a metaphorical belt. It's back at the league, probably with El Bane."
"Wait, you work with Bane now!?" the animated version objected.
"Well, yes. Ever since Joker betrayed me in turning el rudo, he..."
"That's all I needed to hear!" Arkham snapped, standing up and pretending to roll up her already short sleeves. "And you! Quit messin' with those buttons before ya-!"
Arkham Harley shut up quickly as the lucha version rushed into her and clotheslined her across the throat. She went down gagging as the wrestler turned and kicked the Bombshell squarely in the chest, sending her tumbling off into one of the walls. The animated Harley hopped over the controls, grabbing her by the blonde pigtails that poked out of her mask. She pulled until Spanish curses came out from under her mask and the 66 version ran up to kick her in the stomach. It turned out that the wheels weren't great for balance, but the extra weight and density made her kicks especially nasty.
While the lucha tried to double over, the animed Harley planted her feet and held onto her arms from behind. '66 wound up for another kick, but the ninja version of herself caught her ankle and swung the empty sheath of her sword between her legs.
The '66 version went down with a shriek, clutching her legs. "Yoww! Curse your dirty foreign tricks!"
"Ain't nothing foreign about it, grandma!" the Arkham version snapped, standing back up and sending her own cxnt punt in between the ninja's legs. She gave a shrill cry of something in Japanese while the lucha Harley leaned forward, shoulder tossing the animated incarnation to the floor. The bombshell shoulder-checked into the wrestler, sending her tumbling back into the platform by the controls. The Arkham and Bombshells versions both ran after her, but the lucha ducked under their punched and grabbed them by the back of their hair, bouncing their faces off the "wall" in front of them several times before she realized that it was the controls.
"what is wrong with you idjits?!" the animated version shouted at them. "Quit doin' that before-!" The ninja and '66 versions both caught her by one leg, tripping her up until she landed flat on her breasts. They stood back up and pulled apart, wishboning the psychotic psychiatrist's legs apart until even the flexible woman had to scream in pain.
The portal flared up once more, this time with three more Harley's coming out. One was in a simple skirt and white lab coat, wearing her glasses on her plain and made-up face. Another was entirely black and white as if from an outdated cartoon, complete with chalk-white skin all over and a flapper's dress and pearls. The last had her blonde hair in big curly pigtails that popped out from under a broad red and black cowgirl hat, wearing a big lacy dress that showed stockings and cowgirl boots underneath. A thin eyemask barely covered up a small part of her face.
"Now what in tarnation?" the one you expected snapped. "Who's the no-good snake in tha grass that interrupted a perfectly good train robbery for this?!" She reached to the sling on her back and pulled out a shotgun, making all of the nearest Harleys throw up their hands. The black and white one put her fists on her hips and leaned into the cowgirl's face.
"Oh yea? Sista, I've seen braver and bolder'n you in the funny papers. I ain't buyin' it," she defied.
"Don't provoke her!" the one in the lab coat yelped sheepishly, backing into a corner of the room with her hand still in the air. "We should be figuring out what's happened, not picking-"
Brave and the Bold Harley just punched the cowgirl version in the face. She went tumbling off the platform, sending the gun flying into the air. The entire room barreled for it except for the startled and spectacled one. They pushed and clawed at each other's faces and clothes until the Bombshell grazed its trigger. A burst of confetti and a "Bang!" flag harmlessly popped out of each barrel.
"Are you kiddin' me!?" Arkham snapped. "That old trick again?!"
"What old trick?" the Wild West Harley protested. "Me and my Joker made that one up ourselves! Took us years of testin'!"
"I'm about ta test your FACE!" the Bombshells version threatened, throwing a punch that the cowgirl swiftly blocked. The wild brawl broke out between the Harleys while their mousier version cowered in her corner as far as she could get away from the action.
The ninja version sent a rough chop across the Brave and the Bold Harley's bare chest, resulting in a loud slapping noise. She hopped back and bumped into Lucha Harley, who had grabbed and lifted the animated version over her head. She stumbled and the two of them crashed to the ground together, where their doppelgangers started stomping on them by accident or purpose. "Ow! Watch it with the spurs, ya cowgirl cow!" the animated one shouted up at the stomping feet.
The Brave version turned to duck under the Arkham Harley's punch, letting her pop the ninja in her veiled face instead. Brave popped back up with a swift uppercut to Arkham's jaw, clacking her teeth together and sending her tripping over the animated Harley's body and landing butt first on her chest. She gave a triumphant "Ha!" just before the cowgirl and '66er grabbed her by the arms and yanked down, stripping her flashy (but not especially durable) dress clean off. She shrieked and tried to cover her pale naked body, but relented on that goal to punch the cowgirl in the stomach. She grunted and doubled over while the old-timey Harlequin elbowed the Brave and Bold version in the head, knocking her over and stomping a heavy, wheeled foot onto one of her breasts.
"Serves you right for dressing like a 2-bit floozy!" '66 Harley boasted, but the Arkham girl punched into the back of her knee to make her fall over.
"No slut shamin', skank!" she scolded angrily as she yanked off her helmet, starting to tear the rest of her roller derby gear off of her. "Let's see how tough you are without all that padding and stupid roller blades!"
The Bombshell drove a knee up into the ninja Harley's stomach, bending her over before bashing an elbow in between her shoulder blades for some quick but practical blows. "That's for the boys at Pearl Harbor! Now go tell the fuhrer I'm comin' for him next!" she snapped just before the cowgirl grabbed the prop gun and pulled it up behind the mad pilot's neck.
While she dragged the gagging Bombshell around with the choking toy, the lucha Harley had caught the Brave and the Bold version by her pearl necklace and used it as her own means of choking her out. The animated version had planted her foot into the lucha's back while pulling on her pigtails, the clown princesses loudly shrieking and cursing at each other in their various accents, languages and lingo of their era.
Then there came a loud sparking noise. They all looked up to see their forgotten, mild-mannered version had buried the similarly forgotten katana into the machinery, which now sputtered sparks and hummed faintly in the telltale tune of a disabled machine.
"Alright! That's enough out of all of you!" the labcoat-wearing version snapped at them. "This is what you're all fighting over, isn't it? Well now it's gone! So let's set that aside, wait for someone to show up to fix it, and until then, we can calmly talk out our issues with-"
"She busted up the portal thingy!" the animated Harley accused. "Get 'er!"
"That was my only ticket to getting Jokey back!" Arkham Harley whined. "I'm gonna tear you limb from limb for that, four-eyes!"
"That was my only way back, wasn't it!?" the Brave and the Bold version blurted. "I miss Mr. J already!"
The ninja said something pretty angrily in Japanese.
"What she said!" agreed '66 Harlequin as the girls all descended onto their geeky duplicate. She tried to run for it, but Arkham Harley caught her by the hair. She slugged her in the stomach, knocking the wind out of her before shoving her towards the Bombshell. She kneed her in the groin before catching her in a headlock, letting the animated and cowgirl Harleys start to punch and kick her in the ribs until the half-naked '66er booted her in the ass. Bombshell shoved the helpless Harley into the Brave and the Bold version, who thrust out her chest and caught her face-first in between her boobs.
"Suckin' up won't save ya now!" she taunted, slapping the glasses off of her before shoving her backward. The ninja kicked the legs out from under her, just for the lucha to catch her around the waist in midair and suplex her into the hard floor with enough force to dent the metal lining.
It wasn't until they backed off that they considered that. Arkham Harley thumbed her heel on the floor and didn't so much as take a chip out of it. "Geez, what've they been feedin' you south of the border?"
"That wasn't me..." the lucha frowned under her mask. The ganged up on Harley groaned and rubbed her face, feeling her glasses missing before she floated off the ground in a concerningly familiar pose.
"Alright. You gals wanna play rough? Fine." She removed her lab coat and threw it aside, ripping open her blouse. To their surprise, there was a red and blue spandex one piece underneath as she threw her civilian clothes aside. A bright yellow emblem with an S on it was in between her jiggling breasts. "I'm Har El, the last daughter of Krypton in my dimension. You all might know me as Super Gal. I'm puttin' you crazy skanks under arrest until some coppers get here!"
"Shit!" Arkham Harley muttered. "See, this is why I said to leave that shit alone! Now we got a cape version of me!"
"Yea, well nuts ta her!" the '66 version shouted. "We got her eight ta one! Let's show her who's boss'a this dimension fulla Harleys!"
The rowdy Harleys charged Super Gal, who swiftly backhanded the ninja hard enough that she flew into the others like a bowling ball. The Harleys scattered from their little mob in a clutter, with Super Harley grabbing the Brave and the Bold version by her ankle. She spanked her a few hundred times at super speed until the only thing in color on her was her bright red ass, then flinging her through the air in a wailing heap.
The Arkham Harley tried to ambush her, but she spun around swiftly and fired off her eye beams. They quickly sliced through her corset and skirt, leaving her as naked as her previous teammate. She shrieked and tried to cover up, but the kryptonian grabbed her by the hair and lifted her up, sharply thumping her head off the ceiling before letting her drop limply to the floor.
The cowgirl surprised her by swinging the fake shotgun, which crashed into pieces against Super Harley's back. She turned and swiftly pulled one of the barrels out of midair, ripping off the western girl's dress in one super strong pull and shoving the fake gun up her pussy. The old timey robber howled in miserable pain before Super Gal lifted her by the scruff of her neck and swung her to bounce her skull off of the Bombshell's, knocking them both out in one go.
The lucha leapt after her and put on a chokehold, but Super Gal didn't even budge. She elbowed her in the ribs with an almost lazy gesture, knocking her off all the same. The kryptonian Harley turned caught her by the front of her singlet, then punted the wrestler like a soccer ball in the stomach. The costume tore away in her hands while she flew and crashed into the '66 Harley, squashing them both into the far wall.
The ninja and animated versions came at her, but she gave one quick sweep with her heat vision. Both of their costumes suddenly caught fire, making them both yelp in panic and throw off their clothes (and revealing some telltale scars on the edges of the ninja's mouth). It was plenty of time for Super Gal to zoom in at super speed and palm strike the animated version in her chest, sending her slamming into the ground so hard that her boobs didn't stop jiggling for over a minute. The ninja gave a desperate swing with her salvaged sword, but it snapped in half on the kryptonian skin. She lifted the ninja off her feet with one handful of hair, stealing the broken blade and paddling her ass red before she shoved the round handle up her crotch and spiked her headfirst into the ground.
"Sheesh. Look into group therapy, why don't ya?" Super Gal sighed, shaking her head at the roomful of unconscious and naked criminal clowns. "I thought you all were sposed'ta be psychiatrists."
Even with the story looking fairly obvious, the police and the Justice League were a bit stumped on what to do with the situation. The police threw a bunch of nearly identical Harleys into the new Arkham Asylum, finding them in the lab naked and tied up with their own costumes by a mysterious vigilante. Once imprisoned, they swiftly formed their own inside gang of "Harley and the Harleys."
Then there was the conflicting matter of the near simultaneous appearance of one Har El, aka Harley Quinzel, aka Super Gal, flying up to the Justice League HQ asking where she could move in and how she could help.
