How I envision these fights starting and progressing:
Marilyn Monroe vs Rhonda Fleming: Marilyn is prancing around on the beach doing her "Look at me, how sexy I am" coy act. She is surrounded by men and a few women with their tongues hanging out. Rhonda is jealous. She picks up a hand full of sand, shoves a bloke out of the way. She stretches the top of Marilyn's white one-piece bathing suit way out and dumps the sand down her cleavage, grinding it in with her hands. Marilyn shrieks but then grabs Rhonda's red hair and both go down. Soon they are struggling on the ground rolling back and forth for position. Every change they get they grab sand and stuff it under the bathing suit of the other. They aim for the chest and down between the legs. Marilyn is the first to pull the black bathing suit away from Rhonda's tush and rub sand in that crack. Rhonda returns the favor and the two continue their hairpulling, sand stuffing, slapping catfight cheered on by the circling spectators.
Jane Fonda vs Barbara Eden: This is supposed to be another one-piece bathing suit fight but in high heels on the boardwalk. Jane decides Barbara plays her too cute image way too much and decides to out cutsey her. She comes out in a cheerleader outfit doing cartwheels. Her last one catches Barbara square on her 36C chest, of which Jane wish she had. This smashes Barbara's chest and knocks her down. But Barbara reacts quickly. She grabs Jane by the legs and yanks her down. The two fight on the boardwalk for awhile. Then they get up and face off. Jane towers over Barbara and gets a good grip on her hair. But Barbara is down lower and delivers some good punches to Jane's belly and between her legs before Jane can start to return fire. Jane is a lot taller but at least Barbara matches up well in weight.
Anita Ekberg vs Martha Hyer: Martha has started in lots of westerns and Anita will later star in
Four for Texas. Anita is planning on using these fights to hone her skills to be ready for her costar, Ursula Andress, who she will meet in the next to last fight, number 30. Anita shows up in a sophisticated black dress with a gun in her hand. Martha shows up in a western period dress with an even bigger revolver in her hand. "My gun is bigger than yours" she jokes with Anita. She then goes up to Anita and grabs her by her top which is wrapped around Anita's neck. She pulls and twists it to start choking Anita. "This is how we fought in the old west." "Well this is how us Viking women fought" answers Anita. She grabs Martha by the hair and starts yanking her around. Martha fights back but is startled that Anita seems to be much taller than her published 5'6½". She sinks her fingers even harder into Anita's top to yank her back and forth from side to side. Two elegant looking ladies in long gowns going to town on each other. How long will the gowns withstand the punishment and ripping claws?
Esther Williams vs Gina Lollobrigida: Another catfight on the beach with one-piece bathing suits. O where are the bikinis? Haven't they been invented yet? Esther has on her black suit which sets off her long, firm, strong legs to perfection. Gina shows up wearing a costume style bathing suit with black stockings. Gina is not blessed with the large but very long and sexy legs of her fellow Italians. Rather she has short, more stocky ones and perhaps figures the black will set them off better. Esther is busy posing on a rock. She has her arms bent and behind her head to show off her impressive biceps. A move she figures will intimidate Gina even further. But Gina is not easily intimidated. She sneaks up behind the posing Esther, grabs both her biceps and hanks her back hard onto the rock. She then grabs Esther by the hair to pound her head on the jagged rock. Gina has surprised Esther and taken away her physical advantage with cunning. Will Esther be able to extract herself in time to beat up Gina or will Gina continue to stay one step ahead of Esther.
Kim Novak vs Honor Blackman: Kim is in the backyard of a house in the UK used for filming scenes for
The Notorious Landlady. She and Jack Lemmon are hosing down the grass to soak the lawn for her next scene. Honor has heard from other fighters that Kim is deceptively strong. Honor believes she is stronger but decides to take no chances. She sneaks into the back yard. She grabs Kim's left wrist with her left hand and then wraps her right fingers around Kim's on the hose.
Honor starts at Kim's bare legs She soaks them then moves up her dress soaking it thoroughly. Water runs off Kim's bare chest and down into her cleavage. It is obvious that Kim is not wearing a bra. Finally Honor sprays Kim's face and gets her hair sopping wet. Kim was caught off guard and is slow to react. Finally she grabs Honor's hand with her right hand and the two start fighting for possession of the hose. Unfortunately for Kim the wet grass is very slippery and both women go down before Kim can manage to spray Honor. No matter, both are now in a poll of dirty water which starts to cover them along with loose grass cuttings. This fight literally is "down and dirty". Jack is enjoying the show. "Get her Kim!' "Smack her Honor!" Jack yells out depending on who is on top. He uses his own hose to keep watering them down even further. Kim's dress rides up way above her thighs. At least she is wearing panties. It was so sexy seeing Kim’s bare arms wet legs covered with dirt and flecks of grass. Jack was wishing that Honor had worn a dress or shorts instead of the pants and a sleeveless blouse so that he could directly compare the sexy, powerful dirty limbs of both. Kim added to Jack’s pleasure by ripping open first several buttons of Honor's white blouse. Rats! Honor is wearing a bra. "Rip her bra off!" yells Jack as he also sees Honor reach to rip Kim's dress down.
Stella Stevens vs Brigitte Bardot: Fortunately for us neither Stella nor Brigitte are too modest to not wear bikinis. Two blondes but Stella's hair is more a platinum tint and Brigitte's a little darker. Both are lounging around the poolside, Stella i her white bikini and Brigitte contrasted in her black bikini. Stella is confident she is much sexier with her fully, "more womanly" figure while Brigitte is equally convinced her slender figure is much more appealing. Brigitte yells at Stella "You/re too fat!" Stella yells back "You're way too fucking skinny!" Judging from the eyes darting back and forth between the two it appears that Brigitte has the edge as the eyes linger on her figure a tad longer than on Stella's. Finally the two can stand their animosity any longer. They charge at each other. Brigitte has a rope that she tries to lasso around Stella. Stella grabs the rope and the two fight for it. Soon one hand is on the rope and the other buried in hair. Finally both hands go for the hair as Brigitte and Stella move each other around the poolside trying to knock the other off her feet. SMACK! SMACK! a couple of slaps resound as first one slaps and then the other. Slaps to the face and also to all the bare skin exposed.
Diana Dors vs Jane Russell: Back to one-piece suits, one of which is a costume worn by Jane. Jane hates brazen, grassy blondes like Diana. She was a sex symbol queen until a rash of them came along and knocked her off the stage, so to say. The problem is Diana is as big as her and could well be as strong or stronger. As Diana walks by her she delivers a blow to Diana's round ass with her cane. Diana whirls around. She takes both hands and rams Jane's top heat down over her eyes. She punches Jane in the gut, sending her backwards. This allows Jane to yank her top hat of and charge at Diana. Diana charges back and two size "D" breasts smash into each other. The women lock arms around the other, clasping hands behind the others back, chest high. A bare hug contest starts with both women stumbling around.
Jeanne Crain vs Angie Dickinson: We are all disappointed as Angie has covered her world famous legs up with a floor length white gown with a printed blouse on top. Jeannie shows up for this party in a one piece white and black floor length gown. Angie suggests to Jeanne she is past her prime and should get out of the way of the sexier, younger women. Bet you didn't know Angie could be so catty. Jeanne answers back that no matter how much airs they put on, women like Angie have to class nor sophistication. Turns out Jeanne is not as sweet as she appears either. But these two do not rush into a hairpulling clash. The fight develops slowly. Insults are traded getting nastier and more vicious as time goes on. Finally Jeanne surprises everyone by taking umbrage at something Angie says. She slaps Angie hard across the face, turning her head. Angie turns back, sweeping her hand to deliver an even harder backhand slap across Jeanne's face. This not only turns Jeanne's head by causes her to stumble just a bit. Jeanne delivers her own backhand. Soon the two are two to two slapping faces. They seem to be content are seeing who can slap harder and take more punishment. In a very honourable way they take turns delivering slaps. It is a contest that gives Jeanne a chance as most spectators think Angie would overwhelm her in an all out hairpulling, punching, kicking, wrestling catfight.
