just a friend."
If the two people involved can't comprehend the potential ghastly fallout that arrives from that bomb being dropped, friendships can be ruined. Really fast. Like table being flipped, fist fight in the break room with blood being spilled ghastly. Two years ago, that bomb was dropped on me with Ann, but we were able to stay friends and our friendship strengthened. It helped that we had been coworkers for about four years before hand, bringing in carts through bad weather and laughing it up. At work, people pointed out the absurdity of a six foot tall, 225 plus pound man running around with a five foot one and 132 pound woman. I was jokingly called her bodyguard because if somebody got in her face, I’d play the Diesel to her Shawn Michaels.
Ann had a tendency to do things her way and if somebody who had no idea on how things were supposed to done, she could be a bit testy. Her temper matched her auburn hair. We had stuck with each other through thick and thin, when she got an office job, she went to bat for me. She just had a tendency to date older guys because she thought they'd be more mature or complete scumbags. Another relationship down the drain, another attempt by her to rebuild her confidence after it gets shattered. We went out for a burger and a beer before heading back to her place to just relax before my cab came. I was a notorious lightweight when it came to alcohol. One shot of sangria gave me a nasty headache and a shot of 190 proof moonshine saw me wear a unicorn mask at a Christmas party. One beer I was good, two beers left me with a hangover so bad that only greasy frozen pizza burgers and six donuts with Holland cream in them could cure. Ann wasn't any better, so one beer was enough for the both of us. I downed a double cheeseburger with bacon, while Ann settled for a patty melt.
We were sitting on her couch in her apartment aka converted attic with cheap rent and an old conversation reared it's ugly head.
Who would win in a fight?
It's meant to be a joke conversation.
"So,who would in a fight between the two of us?" Ann asked.
"Well, I was an amateur wrestler in elementary school, so I have the grappling advantage," I said with a smirk.
"You wrestled for three weeks and quit because it wasn't like the stuff on television. Also, I'm taking judo, so I have the grappling advantage," Ann said with confidence.
"If it's from the same lady whose been teaching you Tai Chi for five years and you still have the balance and grace of the town drunk...I'd ask for my money back," I responded, feeling that I had poured lemon juice on an open wound. Ann scowled at me.
"There was that one time when you challenged me to a fight and all you did was hold my head." Ann responded.
"Not my fault God made you a midget," I responded emphatically, another gallon of lemon juice on the wound. I had made making fun of height a national pastime.
Ann responded by shoving me jokingly and I responded in kind. She shoved again and I shoved back, I wasn't seeing the humor in this anymore. She got off the couch and stared me down, challenging me to a fight.
"Is this gonna get ugly, now? Huh? I hope not. Because I thought what we were here, height differences notwithstanding, was just a couple of old friends," I said quoting Jack Burton hoping to ease the tension.
"Let's wrestle...right now" Ann said pointing her finger at the floor as I rolled me eyes at what I was seeing. One beer Ann was always overly confident at times. Like at my nephew's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese when she tried to perform a slam dunk while playing the basketball game.
We’re banned from that Chuck E. Cheese since I was belting out a ballad of “I Believe I Can Flu”.
"If you win...I'll make you brownies," Ann said sealing the deal. I rose from my seat so fast that Ann actually chuckled. Those brownies are ducking amazing.
"I was hoping for mixed wrestling and chill if I win..." I said.
Ann just glared at me.
"I take that as a no, then?" I asked.
Dead silence.
"Now, I'm not going to find out that you're an amateur wrestling champion or capable of breaking bones, am I?" I asked sarcastically.
She nodded no, so I continued on.
"So, you're not suddenly going to decide to molest me or sit on my face or anything like that right? I'd be willing to take one for the team if team if you want to," I again asked as her reaction was one of befuddlement and dying patience. Ann responded by nodding her head no, so I agreed. She went into her room to change as I moved the coffee table and realized that while I had a shirt, I had no shorts. I shouted at her to see if maybe she had an extra pair of shorts that her latest ex left behind. They felt comfortable and they were a nice shade of blue to go with my black shirt. I set my pants and shoes aside and attempted to stretch. It had been a long time since gym class, like almost a decade since I had to stretch before strenuous activity. I grabbed some blankets from the closet and set them down for padding.
She came out of the room wearing socks with a loose grey t shirt and shorts of her own. I just had to comment. "No bikini? Or thong? Or topless?" I asked just to see her reaction. All she could do was just roll her eyes as I tapped a desk lamp with a pen.
__________________________________________________ _______________________________________
This is awkward.
We couldn't decide to begin the fight standing or on our knees. I don't think we thought what would happen at this point, so I got on my knees and she followed suit. I put my hand up for a test of strength and when she went to grab my hand, I tried to poke her in the eyes. Yes, it was cheating but she blocked it Three Stooges style and rolled* her eyes. We eventually settled on placing our hands on the other one's shoulders and trying to push each-other. It was a struggle and neither one of us budged. We even tried the vaunted collar-elbow tie up and once again, no progress was made as we grunted. Finally, we abandoned the tie up and frustration was starting to set in. At that moment, I decided to strike.
"HOLY CRAP! A CAMEL SPIDER," I screamed and pointed like somebody out of a 50's monster film. Ann was deathly afraid of spiders, so she looked up and saw nothing. I lunged at her and tackled her to the ground and I felt bad hearing her grunt. I didn't mean to tackle her hard and I knew the blankets provided little padding. I had the mounted position and I realized that I had no fricking idea what to do next. I tried pinning her hands to the ground, but she was not complying. She finally locked her hands together and placed them in-front of her face as I tried again to break the grip. I went to grab her wrists and she quickly undid her wrists, moved her head up quickly and kissed me on the lips.
Interesting.
If she did it with intent to distract me, it did the dang job as she was able to push me off her and stand up. I was on one knee and was still in shock as I stood up and nodded my head. We decided to engage in another test of strength. I again raised my hands really high just to taunt her and she feinted throwing a punch aimed directly at my jaw. I finally brought my hands down and we engaged in a test of strength, our bodies coming together. "I really wish you would have worn a low cut shirt tonight," I quipped as Ann rolled her eyes and focused on the task at hand. It was again, a stalemate as we both struggled to maintain dominance over the other. At this point, all I hoped is that Ann would come to her senses and call this all off. We again found ourselves chest to chest, and suddenly Ann released the hold. I had hoped that maybe Ann had came to her senses, but I didn't notice that her foot was by my ankle. As soon as she let go, I tripped over her foot and fell right onto my ass, tailbone hitting the carpeted floor. I could see Ann standing above me, smirking and offering to help me up. I slapped it away as I got up and saw Ann walking to the edge of the blankets.
She was bent over hands on her knees, waiting for me to get back up. I stewed for a moment, hoping for Ann to walk back up to me. I'd trick her, just like she tricked me and I'd get a surprise takedown, but she just stood there. "C'mon old man, we don't have all night," she said referencing that I was two years older than her. I got back up and walked to the other side of the blankets. Like two boxers coming out of their corners, we again found ourselves in the center of the blankets. We both grabbed each other in a bearhug and both tried to squeeze at each-other and were doing minimal damage at best. The days of us tossing around shopping carts like it was nothing had faded away, we were pushing pencils now. Ann had some power in her arms, but it was her legs that I was truly worried about, she rode her bike to work every day in the spring and summer. I, on the other was as the mercy of the public transportation system. We were both moving each other around the small ring area until I lost my footing and fell to the ground. On the way down, the back of my head hit the steel frame of her futon, nearly knocking me out.
I was in a haze, the back of my head screaming in pain and I found myself in a seated position with Ann on-top of me. Ann looked legitimately concerned that I was really hurt and stopped for a moment...and then started choking me with her forearm. I was gagging as I felt pressure on my throat, something I had never experienced in my life. My face was also in a permanent mask of pain, my eyes tightly shut with my teeth fully exposed as I tried to find a way out. I saw Ann's hair flowing and grabbed it with my free hands and started pulling back, the girl was always sensitive about her hair. I was violently tugging backwards on it, not with intent to rip any out, but just to relieve the pressure. She released the hold and raised her fist high in the air as I realized that I had made a really big mistake. I moved out of the way before the punch landed and her hand hit the metal frame of the futon as she howled in pain. I considered asking to see if she was alright and decided to quickly get behind her, got her to a standing position and put her in a Full Nelson.
Did I tell you that I never tried a Full Nelson?
I managed to get arms underneath her armpits and locked the hold in as I did my best to pull back on her arms. I knew she was hurting from the hurt hand, so this wasn't helping. Just be a dick, I even grabbed her hair for a moment or two as she struggled to find a way out. I wasn't trying to really hurt her, I was hoping she would just submit and we could end this charade. Yet, she was still moving around, twisting and turning her body as I did my damnedest to keep the hold on. We were getting dangerously close to the wall as she quickly moved backwards and we went careening into the wall. I had no time to let go of the hold, so once again the back of my head took another blow. Ann was sitting against the wall as I stumbled around, holding the back of my head and took a comedic fall onto the blankets.
I could see that Ann was sucking wind and I wasn't far off either as she crawled to me and sat down by the my cranium. Ann yanked on what was left of my hair (Thanks crappy genetics) and locked me in a scissors, a move that I had been dreading all night. Powerful bike riding thighs that happened to have some meat on them could result in getting a first class ticket to dreamland. I closed my eyes and anticipated the pain of having the sides of my neck squeezed. Ann squeezed away and I don't know if my imagination was messing with me, but the pain wasn't that bad. In-fact, I was willing to let her squeeze away at this point and let the girl tire herself out. I went to touch her thigh with my hand and found that she wasn't even squeezing my neck at all. Her legs had been firmly placed on my cheeks the whole time! I took a quick look and saw that Ann was staring at the ceiling the whole time and now was the time to escape. I slid my head through her things and got on-top of her, and the look on her face was priceless.
"Ann my dear, a scissors is supposed to go around my neck, not the cheeks" I said trying to not laugh at my friend. All Ann did was mouth an obscenity that made me wonder if she kissed her grandma with that mouth. I struggled to keep Ann down and because of my lack of grappling skills, I didn't know any submissions. I didn't want to risk trying an armlock out of the possibility of severely hurting the girl. I tried pinning her down again, but she managed to roll over onto her stomach. Ann tried escaping but I got my arms around her waist to keep her still as I squeezed a bit. I could hear the girl grunt as I squeezed and was determined to work the hold since I was finally running out of gas too. The hold was effective, Ann was trying to escape but I was stymieing every attempt and was considering my next move. We had already been fighting for twenty minutes and it was now or never to get the win. I figured that I could roll her over and use my forearm to choke her since it almost got me when she tried it. I went to roll her over and...
She reversed me by some miracle!
I now found myself flat on my stomach and Ann was now on top of me and I was freaking out. I put my hands on my head and locked them together as she laid on my back, putting her entire 132 pounds on my body. It hurt like heck as she went to work trying to unlock my fingers. Like me, I believed she had no idea what to do and was going off pure instinct at this point. I felt my fingers unlock and Ann grabbing my hair with one arm and her sliding underneath my throat. Her hands joined together as she began to apply a rear naked choke, and it was not pleasant. I was trying to undo the hold and I was royally screwed as her matted and sweaty hair surrounded my face. I was starting to feel a bit woozy and I decided that enough was enough and tapped my hand three times on the blankets. Ann rolled off me, her stomach moving up and down at a rapid pace, breathing fast. I was no better as I rolled over, trying to catch my breath. I mouthed the word "motherfucker" numerous times as I got back up to a sitting position.
"YES," the victorious Ann said as she sat up, pumping her arms high in the air. I could see that she was legitimately happy as I got up and offered my hand to the victory. She smiled and accepted, putting her hand out like royalty as I helped her out. Ann offered me a bottle of water to quench my thirst and I agreed through a very dry mouth as she slowly walked to the kitchen.
"We did the mixed wrestling....now how about the chill?" I said humorously.
An ice cube went flying from the kitchen down to my feet as I looked down at it as I laughed an nodded my head.
The end.
