Autumn in the South can be a beautiful thing. The leaves are changing colors and falling. The heat of summer has gone and is replaced by warm lazy days and cool crisp nights. Catfish are spawning in ponds, and hunting season is just around the corner. Autumn is also the time a large number of Southerners devote to one of their favorite pastimes, college football. The sound of marching bands playing fight songs, roaring crowds, and yelling cheerleaders can be heard in towns throughout the South. In the state of Alabama, college football is a religion. And there are only two alters you can pray at…the University Of Alabama’s in Tuscaloosa or Auburn University’s in the hamlet of Auburn.
Auburn fans have long been known to be some of the most obnoxious in the country…if you ask Alabama Crimson Tide fans. Of course Auburn fans say the same thing about their cross state rivals. They’ll refer you two one of Alabama’s victory cheers as proof. That cheer goes something like this (we’ll add “Tigers” for continuity):
Hey Tigers! Hey Tigers!
We just beat the Hell Outta You!
Rammer Jammer,
Yellow Hammer,
Give’em Hell, Alabama!
The Tigers can be replaced with any other nickname for the Crimson Tides’ victims. And over the past few seasons, the “Rammer Jammer” cheer has been heard by many defeated foes.
The day of the game proved to be a gorgeous one. It was late November in Alabama, and fans from all over the state were flocking to see the renewal of the Iron Bowl (the nickname of the annual Alabama-Auburn game). The town of Tuscaloosa was buzzing because with a win, their beloved Crimson Tide will snap a six game losing streak to their hated rival, and as a bonus, they will complete a perfect season and possibly play for their thirteenth national title. Fans of both schools gathered and battle lines were drawn…outside the stadium.
One Auburn fan in particular hated the University of Alabama. Lindsay was an Auburn grad, and she was a total bitch. Not only did she despise the University of Alabama because they were Auburn’s arch rival, she hated Alabama because her college boyfriend dumped her for an Alabama grad. She never got over that, and her hatred has grown since graduation. Lindsay did find another Auburn alum to wed, and he gave her a fantastic life. She wanted for nothing, and she lived a leisurely lifestyle. But she wasn’t soft. Lindsay played competitive tennis at Auburn and she was an avid swimmer. She also runs and works out with weights to keep her 5’4” 120 lbs body conditioned. The 33 year old wears her blond hair in a short-layered cut so it won’t get in her eyes when she plays tennis. Her hair frames a slender face which is accentuated by her fierce green eyes. She has earned the reputation of being a win at all costs competitor. She is so driven that some of the other women at her tennis club refuse to play her.
Lindsay and her friend Karen made the trip over to Tuscaloosa to cheer on their beloved Tigers. As they walk across a large field towards the stadium, Lindsay can’t help but make insulting remarks about the University of Alabama (farmer’s college), the city of Tuscaloosa (cow town), and Crimson Tide fans (poor inbred hicks). Although Lindsay doesn’t seem to mind the fact that she is saying all this while strolling through a large collection of tailgating Alabama fans, Karen is apprehensive. She implores her friend to tone it down. But Lindsay only gets worse. She looks around and loudly says, “Look at these assholes. I bet there isn’t a full set of teeth among them.” Karen is aghast! Lindsay just laughs, but her humor is short lived. Before she can take another step, she is violently shoved to the ground.
One minute she is walking along, and the next she is in the grass. The shocked Lindsay looks back to see who had the audacity to shove her and she comes face to face with a brunette wearing a crimson spaghetti strapped top with a big white “A” in the middle of it. Lindsay glares at the girl and asks what her problem is. The girl, who couldn’t be over 18, looks at Lindsay and replies, “I don’t have a problem, Bitch. But you do. We’ve been walking behind you for the last half-mile and all you have done is insult us Alabama fans. I want to see if you have the courage to do it to my face.” Lindsay was shocked to say the least! But she was angry. She got up, dusted herself off, and said, “Like I’ve been saying…all the men in Tuscaloosa sleep with cows…and all you’re missing is a bell for your neck.”
Karen grabbed Lindsay by the arm and begged her to go, but a crowd had gathered and it was obvious they weren’t going anywhere soon. The brunette looked at Lindsay and instead of insulting her back, she simply said, “Alrighty Bitch, if you want a fight you got one.” The crowd separated from the two women, and Karen got her first good look at Lindsay’s opponent. The brunette was about 5’4” and 140 lbs. She was wearing her kinky shoulder length hair loose, and her coffee colored eyes highlighted a cute, but pudgy, face. She was wearing a form fitting crimson crop top which exposed her soft tummy. The shirt had a white “A” perfectly centered between what had to be “D” breasts. She wore her cutoff blue jeans shorts a little too short…her plump butt was peeking out the leg openings…and she was wearing cowboy boots. Karen didn’t think the girl could be in shape…she looks kinda lazy. But Karen didn’t want a fight, she wanted to watch a football game. But if they must….and the crowd didn’t interfere…Lindsay would most likely make short work of this young girl.
The brunette stepped back, sat down on her rump and took off her cowboy boots revealing her small feet with crimson colored toenails. She stood back up and said to Lindsay, “Bitch, if you don’t want them dangly earrings ripped from your ears you better take ‘em out.” Lindsay was still a little taken aback by the audacity of the young girl confronting her. But when she looked around and saw no escape, she decided to use some common sense. She removed her “dangly” AU earrings and her watch, then sat down and took off her Sperry deck shoes. She stood up and faced her rival wearing only a pair of blue shorts and an orange sleeveless polo top with an AU embroidered over her smallish left breast. Lindsay also saw what Karen had seen. This girl was fat and out of shape. If the crowd stays out of it, this fight will be over soon. Plus she’ll get to take out some frustration on a hated Crimson Tide fan. Karen once again pleaded with Lindsay to just walk away. The brunette looked at Karen and said, “Ma’am you’ve been respectful. And you’ve tried to keep dumbass here from running her mouth. But what’s done is done. You can leave. You’ll be able to leave unharmed when this is over, unless you interfere. But this bitch is getting her ass kicked. And you have my word no one else will jump in.” She looked around and said, “Ain’t that right.” The crowd agreed as a whole. A male voice in the crowd yelled, “Beat that bitch’s ass, Sarah!” Lindsay smiled and thought, “isn’t that special?” The Bama bitch who stole her boyfriend in college was named Sarah. Lindsay looked at Sarah and said, “Alright fatty, let’s get this over with so I can go watch the game.”
Lindsay then shouted “War Eagle,” sprang at her opponent and slapped her across the right cheek! Sarah staggered back and was struck by a short jab in the left jaw. Lindsay punched her again and closed the gap between them and fired more punches at Sarah. Sarah covered her face with her arms, and Lindsay began firing short punches into her exposed gut. Since they were short and quick, the punches weren’t really meant to hurt Sarah by themselves, but in total, they would take their toll. “Chubby whore is out of shape...this will be over pretty quick,” Lindsay thought. But suddenly Sarah lunged and grabbed Lindsay around the waist. She wrestled her to the ground and began throwing punches of her own.
The two women fought frantically on the ground. They punched and slapped each other and wallowed in the grass. As they rolled, Sarah’s size began working in her favor…it was getting harder for Lindsay to roll her off. Sarah found herself sitting astride the Auburn fan and she started punching her in the face with short jabs of her own. At this point Lindsay started getting worried. She thought, “I have to get this fucking cow off me….those punches hurt!” Lindsay used her free hands and started punching the bigger girl in the gut. She pushed with her legs and finally was able to dislodge the bigger girl. As she was struggling out from underneath Sarah, she threw a wild left that caught the big brunette square on the nose. Sarah went down and clutched her face. Lindsay stood up and kicked the bigger girl hard in the side. She sensed victory and started to kick the bigger girl again. Suddenly Sarah’s right foot shot out and kicked Lindsay hard in the shin. Lindsay let out a yelp of pain and dropped onto her butt. Surprise was evident on her face when Sarah suddenly stood up and charged her!
The realization came a little too late for Lindsay, but her punch to Sarah’s nose had hurt the bigger girl…but it also pissed her off! The Alabama fan dove on her foe with her full weight. Sarah was in a blind fury as she grabbed the Auburn fan by her hair and wildly punched the blond in the face. Lindsay tried to cover up, but Sarah would just yank her hair until her face was exposed enough to strike. Lindsay tried to roll away from the bigger girl, but Sarah would just roll with her and pour on the punches. Suddenly...as blood appeared from her nose...Lindsay began yelling that she gave up! But Sarah wasn’t finished. The bigger girl stood up and kneed her foe in under her chin. The blonde’s head snapped back, but Sarah still had her by the hair. She wrenched Lindsay’s head to the left and right then punched her in the face mercilessly. After a few punches, Lindsay was crying and screaming her surrender. Sarah let go of her foe’s hair and let her fall onto the grass. But anger still gripped the younger girl. This bitch had insulted her in front of family and friends. And she was gonna pay dearly. Sarah rolled the beaten woman onto her stomach, straddled her, reached an arm under her neck and wrenched her victim’s head back into a brutal chokehold. Lindsay started sputtering and gasping for air. Two men pulled Sarah off the beaten woman after Lindsay’s face started turning purple. Sarah regained her composure and stood over her beaten foe. She looked down at the gasping and sobbing Lindsay and said, “Bitch it’d be in your best interests to go back across the state and never set foot in Tuscaloosa again. But if you do decide to come back, I bet you’ll mind your manners.” Sarah then gathered her belongings and left to watch the game. An upset and angry Karen left with them.
After a few minutes, Lindsay calmed herself and regained her senses. But she quickly lost it again when she realized the crowd around her was singing a familiar cheer...but with different words:
Hey Bitch! Hey Bitch!
She just beat the Hell Outta you!
Rammer Jammer,
Yellow Hammer!
Give ‘em Hell, Alabama!
The mortified Lindsay gathered her belongings, left Tuscaloosa and never set foot in that town again.
Alabama wound up winning the football game over hated rival Auburn, 36-0 that day. The win snapped a six game losing streak to their cross state nemesis. The Tide did lose their next two games, the SEC Championship Game to Florida and the Sugar Bowl to upstart Utah. Auburn fired their coach after the loss to Alabama.
