I smile as Emily and Jager stand at attention on either side of our 8-pounder cannon.
"Ok ladies....LET'S SHOW THEM HOW WE DO THINGS DOWNTOWN....SHALL WE??" "LOAD IT UP!"
Each cannon is normally manned by two gunners, along with an officer (that would be yours truly). The right gunner, Emily, was to prime the piece and load it with powder, while the left gunner, Jager, would normally fetch the powder from the magazine and keep ready to fire the cannon at the my command. Three additional members of my flag ship crew stood at the ready, to ram and sponge the cannon, and hold the ladle as needed.
A cannon back in this era, especially those aboard a ship, while cumbersome to deal with, could be highly accurate with the right gunnery crew. I remind Jager and Emily that prior to loading, the cannon should be well cleaned with a sponge to remove all sparks, filth, and dirt. The powder was then added by yours truly as I bend over and lift up a keg of black powder and pour some down the muzzle of the 8-pounder.....I then step back ...still holding the wooden keg of powder...and watch as Emily picks up a rammer, which is a round piece of wood, commonly called a box, which serves to drive home the powder and ball to the breech proceeds to shove it down, followed by a wad of paper or hay. I watch as Jager lifts up the 8 pound cannon ball and struggles and grunts to bring it up to the level of the cannon muzzle.....letting go of it as it rolls down to the back end of the wide muzzle. After Emily picks up the ramming pole...inserting it in the end of the muzzle and ramming everything as far down the barrel as she can...I lean down and begin eyeballing the gun site on top of the cannon....Jager begins pulling a rope at hangs over our head...that when pulled...opens the cannon bay door. I proceed to aim the cannon at a nearby beach which seems deserted...Emily using a stout pole to drop down to adjust the gear on the side of the gun.....by inserting the pole in a slot...she can push down on the pole and allow the cannon muzzle to be adjusted by degrees. We now can make degree adjustments and I can aim the site on top of the cannon at the beach. The cannon would be aimed with the elevation set using a quadrant and a plummet. At 45 degrees the ball had the utmost range – about ten times the gun's level range. Any angle above the horizontal line was called random-shot. I, as artillary officer in conjunction with my pirate captain duties, had to ensure the cannon was diligently served. Water was available to dip the sponges in and cool the piece every ten or twelve rounds.
I pour some black powder down the vent hole in the barrel over the breech and the gun sighted...pick up a red hot priming iron (God all this loading shit sounds just like fucking SEX!...I AM SOOO GOD DAMN TURNED ON HERE!). I then YELL OUT.... "READY TO FIRE!" ....and touch the priming iron to the vent hole and the cannon immediately ERUPTS WITH A LOUD ROAR!........BAAAAAAMMMMM!!!.......flame shooting from the end of the muzzle!!!....the cannon flinging back along its slide and away from the open bay doors but held in place after it recoils a few feet by ropes on either side of the frame doling the muzzle. (It's at this point all this loading shit has been just too much and I HAVE AN ORGASM AS INTENSE AS THE CANNON FIRING!!!)
All 3 of us run to open bay doors on either side of the cannon to see the results as we hear the ball whistling towards the beach...and I suddenly hear Emily scream out!!!...... "HOLY SHIT!!! "THE RUM BOAT IS AT THE BEACH NOW MICHELLE!!!!"
I turn quickly and see a look of sheer terror on Emily's face as she points out the porthole towards the beach!!
"OMG!!!!!" "MICHELLE!!!!!!!!"
I jJUMP QUICKLY AND UTTER A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM!!!!.........AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!...... as I turn to look out a port hole by the cannon! THE SMALLER SLOOP...FULLY LOADED WITH WOODEN BARRELS OF FRESH RUM... IS RIGHT IN OUR LINE OF FIRE! I simply close my eyes as the cannonball whistles towards it!!!!........AND HITS THE RUM BOAT A DIRECT BROADSIDE HIT!!!!!!
BLAAAAAMMMMMM!!!!!!! KAAABBBOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!! My eyes get as big as saucers as my mouth opens in a wide gape...as I simply close my eyes a moment and whisper to myself...."MUTHAFUCKA!" WE SEE THE BOAT JUST EXPLODE IN A HUGE BALL OF FLAME!!....FIRE!!....AND BLACK SMOKE!!!!!!!!!! Pieces of rum barrels!...portions of the boat!!.......FLYING SKYWARD IN ALL DIRECTIONS!!!! I feel the corners of my full pouty lips turn up into a smile for a brief moment as I mutter to myself...."BEST SHOT OF MY PIRATING CAREER!!!!"
As the smoke finally begins to clear ......we only see pieces of wood floating on the water......as I look over at Jager....tears running down her cheeks....her lips trembling as she whispers to me......"I REALLY NEED A DRINK RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!"
I reach up..scratch my head....and look at both Jager and Emily.....both looking at each other......shrugging their shoulders....
"OFFICERS CALL IN 5 MINUTES!! IN MY CABIN GIRLS!!!! NOW!!! RUN!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!"
